Chapter 10: Taking Care of the Past…. WITH BULLETS!
“Oh, you don’t say. That’s a convenient way to keep all business indoors, isn’t it?”
“You’re never in a cheery mood, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try.”
“I have a gun for a hand, but I can still do the one-finger salute with it if you don’t leave me alone.”
“Well, duh.”
“To tell you the truth, this place is starting to hurt my eyes, and that’d make me cranky too.”
“But it’s so cute. Look, there’s a Moogle, and there’s a baby Chocobo.”
“It’s all glowy and stuff.”
“Yes, I wish we could just forget everything. Exactly what are we forgetting? Sephiroth doing something? Your mother not being here? Mine and Tifa’s hometown being burned to the ground? All of the above?”
“Yes, thanks for listening. And listing. You are our encyclopedia of time.”
“Oh dear God, here comes my PTSD!”
“Uh… hello, weird half-naked strange man. Are you a part of the Manderville family by any chance?”
“That’s right. Because you gotta be a little crazy to build something like this.”
“I’ll say. You wouldn’t happen to know a guy named Mukki by any chance?”
“Can’t say I do. Why?”
“Well, he’s a guy who likes to strut around half-naked like you do.”
“Sounds like a fun guy. You should introduce us some day.”
“I can do that, but I am NOT joining you backstage.”
“Speaking of which, we were actually looking for someone.”
“Well, you seem like a ‘putting everything on display’ kind of a guy, so… maybe we will?”
“You’re just saying that to make me regret not following you into the den of debauchery, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I will not suffer alone again.”
“Nothing. Just relived some unpleasant memories, Mr… uh… cat on a weird robot suit.”
“Cait Sith’s the name, and fortune telling’s the game.”
“I mean… what’s the point of reading the past. It already happened. It’s called ‘hindsight’, and it’s always a smartass about everything. ‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t have done that.’ it always says when you do something stupid, and ‘See? I told you I was right.’ it says when you did something good. So screw hindsight.”
“Uh….”
“Well, that was an interesting way of putting it.”
“Anyway, fortune, please?”
“Oh, right.”
“Some glitches in your fortune matrix there, Mr. Cait?”
“No, I activated the ‘general BS for idiots’ subsection. Just a sec, let me get to the good stuff.”
“Why don’t you always do that? Does it cost more or something?”
“Uh… sure, just invite yourself. Everyone does.”
“I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength, then.”
“I’d argue against that, but whatever.”
“The battle arena. I love how it’s trying to come across as extra flashy in a place that’s so extraordinarily gaudy that it becomes a herculean task on its own to stand out.”
“This is the most fabulous place in the whole saucer. No, this! No, THIS!!!”
“This place is so amazing, he died of excitement!”
“Um… no, I don’t think that’s it.”
“I know. I was just kidding.”
“I knew this was the battle arena, but I didn’t think it was a fight to the death kind of an arena.”
“Um… I don’t think that’s it either.”
“I know. I was… just making a joke.”
“……”
“I… didn’t win… the battle… in the…. arena.”
“Wait, seriously?”
“No, I was…. just…. kidding.” *URK*
“D’oh!”
“What? Wait, no, we can easily prove that we didn’t do this.”
“RUN!”
“None of us have guns! We couldn’t have done it.”
“Why aren’t you running? Run, run, run, run!”
“But….”
“I didn’t even want to run. Why aren’t anyone listening to sense?”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses. This is an open-and-shut case.”
“No, it’s not! What is the matter with you guys?”
“Is that why you made sure we got thrown down here? So we would be the second? And third? And however many of us are down here?”
*cough* “I plead the fifth.”
“Oh, no, you don’t.”
“…find out what’s going on yeah sure just go why don’t you?”
“The comma is your friend. It tells you when to breathe.”
“Oh, sure, if we’re going to take the literal approach.”
“And if you think that’s a ridiculous thing to make a point of, what about the two Barnies at the back?”
“Oh, fine! You win this time, game mechanics. I could’ve escaped that way easily, though.”
“……”
“And we have to deal with this because one idiot wanted to get us into trouble.”
“Don’t hate the cat, hate the hater.”
“That doesn’t even mean anything.”
“Of course. And who is the boss, I wonder?”
“Is it even going to be someone we know?”
“Mr. Coats? What style is he rocking?”
“Sounds like a stylish man.”
“And he sure is… if you’ve got very particular tastes.”
“Oh, shaddup.”
“You shoulda just called yourself Mr. Pimp.”
“H-hey, that’s rude.”
“And why would we not get the boss’s permission?”
“I would not take away your pleasure of finding out for yourselves.”
“Don’t you ‘blah blah blah’ me, lady. You’re the one who loves questioning everyone about their love life and whatnot.”
“I do not.”
“Oh? When you heard me mentioning the name Tifa, the first question you asked me was if she was my girlfriend.”
“And you said she was.”
“Excuse me?”
“I was just curious how she’d react.”
“EXCUSE me?!”
“You… you… you did that just to get me into trouble, didn’t you?”
“You got a long way before you learn a woman’s heart.”
“Oh, who’s a horsepoop peddler now?”
“Did you want anything, or are you just going to bicker like a bunch of harem protagonists?”
“We are not harem protagonists!”
“I have already been married and I have a little girl. Ask me if I care.”
“Hmph.”
“And wipe that smug look off your face, Cloud.”
“Nope!”
“And I’ll have you know I only shoot soldiers that stop us from blowing stuff up.”
“And I take it you weren’t planning on blowing anything up in the Saucer?”
“Naw. Don’t ask me how they keep all these lights running and whatnot, but I’m sure it’s not Mako energy.”
“Your faith in these people is endearing.”
“Anyway, did you want to hear this story, or didn’t you?”
“Yes, please.”
“Wait, it wasn’t even finished? I thought the town was destroyed because there was an explosion at the reactor.”
“A reactor that hasn’t been finished yet is still a reactor.”
“I… OK, you win this time.”
“This.. this isn’t about ‘winning’, you weird dope.”
“Our home is on fire.
“
“Yep.”
“Someone gotta pay.”
“Yep.”
“Shinra’s behind this.”
“Yep.”
“That’s how it went?!”
“Yep.”
“Stay here?! But we’re in the line of fire from those Shinra assholes on the bridge.”
“OK, then don’t stay here. Do I have to do the thinking for both of us?”
“Clearly, I need to do my own thinking.”
“And we all know how that went, am I right?”
“Oh, shaddup!”
“Oh, so your revenge for him making you his meat shield was basically setting off a torrent of death flags?
“What?! No, of course not. And it’s not like he’s dead, right?”
“Even after that fall?”
“Eh, that’s nothing. You fell longer than that.”
“Yeah, well… I landed in a bed of flowers. I think that’s all that needs to be said.”
“And I need to recognize that quicker for the sake of my sanity.”
“So he’s a leftist? That commie socialist scum!”
“Yeah, I’m just gonna let that one pass, or I’ll be drawn into the insanity again.”
“Apologize for what?”
“Well, I guess you were one of the people pushing for the mako reactor, but still….”
“You know… from this unspecified thing that Sephiroth is planning.”
“Is there any way we can get out of this pit with our dignity and sanity intact? Even I think this is getting kind of silly.”
“Darn it, Aeris, what did I say about making sense right now?”
“But it’s been so long since we heard you go ‘@#$%!’.”
“@#$%!, just choose Tifa or Aeris already.”
“Nonono, I’m sure we’ll find a non-shot one if we search long enough.”
“What am I? Chopped liver?”
“Guys, come on!”
“Well, he just shot some Shinra troops in the Saucer, so I’d say he’s probably happy as a clam right now.”
“Uh… I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
“Well, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for angry, but completely insane? Not so much.”
“My lady speaks to me. She tells me bad things. Terrible things.”
“Barret, can we leave now?”
“Hoo boy. I know I’ve been trying to play it cool, but this guy is just taking this way too far.”
“Uh… I don’t think that’s the problem.”
“I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but… dude, chill.”
“The people in Corel hate my guts too, you know.”
“I guess he lost his search function.”
“Um… why?!”
“Because I said so. Also, hate.”
“All the best reasons. You are a true gentleman, sir.”
“I don’t think this is the best time for sarcasm, Cloud.”
“There is no such thing as ‘not the best time for sarcasm’.”
“I think his hand being a gun invalidates that argument.”
“Quite handily, even.”
“Oh, look who’s being sarcastic now.”
“….”
“Yikes!”
“Dyne, you seriously aren’t suggesting that I take you to Marlene so you can shoot her?!”
“Of course. Was I not making myself clear?”
“Oh, quite the opposite… which is the least of your problems right now.”
“Well, either we fight or you take me to her. It’s aaaaaall up to you.”
“I didn’t say anything. Well… not for a while now, anyway.”
“Yeah. The craziness on display here sort of got us stunned.”
“@#$%!’s sake, Dyne…. this is what you wanted? Just a fight and then an ‘urgh’?!”
“Aaah, I can feel something again. Something other than hate. Not sure if it’s a good thing.”
“We just did resolve this, and you ask now?”
“@#$%!, man… what is it with all the posturing. Is this the fate of all men in this @#$%! story?”
“Jeez, I can’t compete with this kind of darkness, and I really hope we never do.”
“We just did, though.”
“I meant in the future.”
“Don’t jinx us now.”
“And there he goes. Can this possibly get any more depressing?”
“That’s how I wanna go, too. If I don’t make it, Cloud, do you promise to see me off with a big, loud ‘Uuuurrrrrrgh!!!’?”
“I… can’t make any promises.”
“Yeah, he didn’t ‘go up’, to put it that way.”
“CLOUD?!”
“I think there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this.”
“Yeah, like ‘use your brain before opening your mouth’.”
“Uh… I was thinking ‘don’t let hate consume you’, but sure, that works too.”
“And besides, it’s not like he didn’t just shoot people randomly based on his mood or anything.”
“……”
“‘cept he kinda did, but hey…. water under the bridge and all that. Anyway….”
“But no @#$%! pressure, hey?”
“I like how a goddamned bird race is what separates the guilty from the non-guilty. I mean…. we’ve already eliminated common sense, due process and a court of law. And… you know, actual detective work.”
“….but who cares about all of that. Let it all be handled by guilt by association or circumstance, leave the decision of who gets to ride chocobos to a guy who hates everything, and then have the saving grace start with the line ‘Hi, I happened to hear your story’. When did we tell the story anyway?”
“And how would we go about it if she hadn’t happened to hear it?”
“Then you ask someone.”
“Oh, of course.”
“Hey, y’all ignoring me?”
“They usually do that for a bit when meeting someone new. You get used to it.”
“Yikes! And you clearly don’t like to be ignored.”
“I’m a manager. You ignore your manager at your own peril.”
“I’ll…. take your word for that. Anyway, shall we?”
“Criminals?”
“Well… yes?”
“I’m jockeying for freedom. I have a Ramuh materia, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“…..”
“I’m ‘up’ and I’m ‘coming’. Uh huh huh huh huh.”
“Get over here, Butthead. It’s racin’ time.”
“Your services are appreciated.”
“Now, ride hard, cowboy. Eheh heh heh eheh heh.”
“Oh, look who’s all Beavis’d up now.”
“Can’t let you have all the fun.”
“Well, I don’t really mind. We had the most depressing moment ever not even an hour ago. But hey, let’s do this.”
“Ouch! And here I thought the fighting arena was garish and visually loud. If I get through this race without becoming blind, I’ll consider myself blessed.”
“Great. Just… just give me a minute until my eyesight returns.”
“Oh, right, I forgot to give you the helmet with the protective visor. Silly me.”
“D’oh! Oh ha ha ha ha.”
“Well… I guess this is a bit more efficient than any justice system I can come up with, which is kind of depressing.”
“……”
“And he doesn’t have time for me now, but he sure had time to stand around and pose while randomly meeting people earlier. Or wrongfully accuse them for a crime they could not possbly have committed.”
“Aeris, why are you apostrophe-quoting stuff? I know what a buggy is. And rivers and deserts.”
“Cloud, we got a ‘buggy’! I’m ‘super excited’ about that.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for when we aren’t hunting weirdos and their magnificent swords. Also, wow, that stinger with him being popular with ‘boys my age’… way to tell me I’ve been wasting my life, letter.”
“…..”
“Wait, you’re not in league with that chocobo farm by any chance?”
“Aheh. Why, I have absolutely ‘no idea’ what you’re talking about.”
“With a buggy to make travelling easier, our heroes once again set their sights on the person whom they’re hunting for, and with curiously descriptive directions, how could this possibly go wrong?”
“Hey, baby. Wanna ‘get off’ in ‘mah buggy’? Uh huh huh huh.”
“Eheheh heh heh heheheh, you said ‘get off’.”
“Oh, Christ! Get a room, you two.”