Chapter 11: The Planet Has No Mouth And It Must Scream.
“Well, anyway, let’s head back to City of Compensation and the fields outside. I got a feeling we’re gonna meet someone interesting there.”
“Oh golly gee, Mr. Cloud. Don’t keep us in suspense now.”
“…..”
“Uh…..”
“So… this ‘interesting person’ you were talking about is basically a teenage girl playing at being a ninja?”
“Hey! Screw you! I really AM a ninja.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure you are.”
“I feel like I’m watching a terrible school play that I have to endure because my children attend this school.”
“I know some kids. They are complete sweethearts and would be insulted by that comment.”
“No, I totally am the baddest of ninjas to ever sneak the earth.”
“Although not without some humor, I see.”
“You guys sure need to learn how to play hard to get.”
“So are we leaving or are we leaving?”
“Exit, stage left.”
“C’mon, you guys. You’re just being unfair now.”
“You coming, ninja lady? We have a very busy schedule ahead of us here.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Heh heh.”
“It’s a ragtag party requirement.”
“I’d rather have a ragtime party, though.”
“Well, we have two tiny little animals of some weird sort here, so what better time to try out that new little summon stone we got, huh?”
“Massive overkill, huh? I love it.”
“Well, we can’t be picky. We’re hunting a man.”
“Say no more.”
“Uh… you’re misinterpreting the situation a bit, I think.”
“It’s more fun that way.”
“I… can’t argue against that.”
“I’m loo-king at the man. On. The mountain.”
“You go, Michael Ninjackson.”
“I’m so Bad.”
“Yes, you’re a Smooth Criminal.”
“What can I say. It’s a Thriller.”
“Girl, You’re so Together.”
“Well, we are on a mission to Heal the World.”
“Well, shall we Beat It, then?”
“Hey, I’m no Dirty Diana.”
“Should we stop them?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you over the mountain rumbling as it rose out of the ground.”
“Or maybe its the ‘guard who wants 10 gil every time someone wants to use the elevator’ effect.”
“Gotta start small, I guess.”
“He’s savin’ the economy.”
“Yes, is someone here in this blasted-out wasteland of a former town?”
“…..”
“Uh….”
“Turns out, there is.”
“And he likes you, Tifa. Congratulations.”
“Uh… I’m not sure how I feel about that. They’re interesting dudes, but they work for Shinra.”
“And Tifa is a pretty easy person to like.”
“I’m sure I can guess why.”
“And here we go again. So… Yuffie, would you like to have a much bigger chest?”
“No thanks. I wouldn’t be able to be this awesome if I had two giant lumps of flesh hanging outwards in the front area.”
“See? She understands.”
“Oh, shaddup.”
“And see, Aeris? You do have a fan.”
“Tseng? Well, that explains why he’s been so persistent about picking me up. Well… aside from the fact that he’s been trying to do that since I was a little girl, so… ew?”
“Well, I’d ask how they’d know that you like Tseng, but to be honest, I don’t really care.”
“H-hey, that’s rude. And mean.”
“What does Rude have to do with this?”
“No, I mean you are rude.”
“What? I’m not. He’s standing over there, see?”
“Argh! You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“I feel like I’m attending a high school reunion here.”
“Or even a middle school reunion.”
“And they’re so rude.”
“No, I’m right here.”
“Don’t you start with me!”
“You mean when we couldn’t stop you from dropping a giant plate and killing so many poor people? Yes, there definitely needs to be some payback for that.”
“Glad we’re on the same page here.”
“Well, I’m about to tear one out of the rulebook here, so I suggest you brace yourselves.”
“Erm… ‘Kill it with fire’ is just an expression.”
“Not in this world, it ain’t.”
“…..”
“That is the least dignified exit ever.”
“He even just slowly saunters off with his fist still raised in that boxing stance, as if that didn’t look completely ridiculous.”
“Are you sure that’s smart? If they’re one step ahead of us, we really should be careful.”
“I. Trust. Everyone.”
“But…”
“EVERYONE!”
“Yep. This place is completely borked.”
“Stop web!”
“But how do you shot web?”
“These are the mysteries that keep me up all night.”
“Wouldn’t it be more correct to say he was blown up into many tiny bits?”
“That is correct, sir. Also incredibly insensitive, but correct.”
“Oh, thank you. Well, what can I say?”
“Oh, how about SOMETHING CONSIDERABLY LESS INSENSITIVE?!”
“Then let us all shout out our displeasure with this… uh, megaphone? Is this a weapon?”
“It is for me. Give it here.”
“Or wait, M-phone stands for something else, doesn’t it? Like… mobile phone?”
“Um…. I can use that.”
“Wait, I got it! It’s a… um… Multiphone. You can call several people on it at the same time.”
“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“I’ll get back to you on that, but I just got a call. Hello?”
“Um… yes, that is what explosions do. Or hurricanes. But mostly explosions.”
“So, this is two for two Mako reactors that have exploded. And given the whole ‘no railings’ thing, I think it’s safe to say that Shinra not only doesn’t care about safety, but are dangerously inept at it.”
“Are you OK, there, Barret? You got kind of a huge derp face going on.”
“Yeah, wow. It’s the whole ‘Shinra being dangerously inept at safety’ thing.”
*cough*
“You OK? I didn’t know robot bodies could even get colds.”
“Uh… yes, technology is amazing, isn’t it?”
“Well, that sounds disconcertingly familiar.”
*cough*
“Jeez, the cold is spreading. Do y’all need a liedown or something?”
“Uh…. no, we’re OK.”
“Uh… you two are weirding me out here. I mean… Aeris I can understand; she did mention having a boyfriend before, but it almost looks like she possessed Tifa’s body in the process, and now you two are doing things so synchronously that I’m having a serious The Shining moment here.”
“They just… left. At the same time. Walking out like a soldier in a parade, and not like I did when I purposefully messed up a parade for the President. Am I being rude or something? What’s going on?”
“Do you think you sound the least bit convincing after storming out of the room almost synchroneously with Aeris over basically the same exact information?”
“Look, I don’t want to talk about it, OK? Why don’t you go check on Aeris. I mean… it’s her ex, after all. And the whole thing about his story….”
“Living in our quiet countryside towns being bored out of our minds because we couldn’t be a part of SOLDIER. Doesn’t sound very good in hindsight, does it, being a part of a military force of people who are… less concerned about their non-millitary citizens?”
“Well… anyway, I’ll go check on Aeris, then, now that we’ve gotten our little sarcasm one-upmanship thing out of our systems.”
“You told me you had a boyfriend, but you didn’t mention any actual names. But I can put two and two together, I’m not that stupid. Although you told me about it right before we got pulled into your weird cross-dressing shenanigans, so my memory is a bit fuzzy on the whole thing.”
“Um… yeah, sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better, both me and Tifa felt kind of put off when Don Corneo chose you over the two of us.”
“Uh… no, not really.”
“Well, gee, this is making my amnesia look a lot worse now. Like… fuzzy worse.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Also… ladies’ man, huh?”
“Well….. at least I think he was. Charming bastard!”
“Uh… you were dating him, right?”
“Well, a couple of times. I guess we didn’t get all that far in the big dating game before he… well, disappeared. I just assumed he was busy or, like I said, found someone else.”
“Hm. Well, that sounds rather low-key for a love drama. You gotta learn how to spice it up, girlfrieeeeeeend.”
“A hidden desire, more women than could possibly be beaten away with a meat stick. Zack, the mack. And the many girls he met on the job.”
“Getting better. But we should probably stick with the original when we tell his parents, though. And definitely not use the words ‘meat stick’.”
“So you don’t think I should milk that for all it’s worth?”
“Amusing as it is to imagine you milking a meat stick, maaaybe not in front of parents who might still be grieving.”
“Well…. OK, that would probably be best.”
“And you did that on purpose, didn’t you?”
“I might. Imagine away.”
“Oooh, such a saucy, evil grin. I love it.”
“Well… here we are. New car, new place, new fun things to find out about this world.”
“But no parking space outside of this place? That’s just poor customer service.”
“Nah, we run more of a ‘just park wherever you please, as long as it’s not on top of something.’ method here in the sticks.”
“All that and an observatory tower on top. We really can have our cake and eat it too, can’t we?”
“Science tower, windmills seemingly powering everything and a big, ole campfire smack dab in the middle of the ground floor. If that doesn’t scream and shout ‘rustic, enviromentally friendly village’, I don’t know what does.”
“Yes, it is I: LeClerk.”
“Wait, so you do have a name? Then what was up with the whole ‘I don’t care what you call me’ comment of yours back when we escaped from Shinra HQ? I mean… ‘Nanaki’ is a perfectly usable name, and a nice one to boot, given by people who probably didn’t want to name you after the location of their heads at that very moment. Why wouldn’t we want to call you by that back then too?”
“Yeah, I mean… I could maybe understand it at the very beginning when you had no reason to trust us, but by the time we reached Compensation Town, I really think there shouldn’t be any doubt left.”
“Sorry, I guess I just forgot about it, and I was so used to being described as Red 13 anyway.”
“How long had you been a captive there anyway?”
“Eh, not that long. I dunno. To be honest, most of my memories there are kind of a blur, since they mostly consisted of Dr. Hojo raising me up through the elevator and another animal or monster or whatever, and then just sitting there and staring at us.”
“Ergh! So he didn’t just try to mate you with Aeris.”
“And boy, am I glad I didn’t realize that until he said it too. It was already awkward enough to see him just sit there and stare at me and whoever I was paired up with that day.”
“There we go. Our city is less full now.”
“Now that is customer service. Or… you know, service.”
“Yikes! OK, sorry to hear about your father. Still, where could he have gone to?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. I’m sure we’ll never see him again anyway.”
“I wonder what his grandpa might look like. You don’t often see older lion… panther… puma…. say, Nanaki, what kind of kitty are you anyway?”
“Dunno. I’m me. I’m fine with being either a lion or a puma, since I have the coloring of one anyway. As for my grandfather, well…. he’s not going to be quite what you expect.”
“Well, color me intrigued.”
“I wonder who came up with the word ‘cocktail’, especially since it’s being used to describe an alcoholic drink. Was it during a drunken bender where someone ended up tearing the ass off a rooster?”
“I dunno. I work in a bar, and I have no idea.”
“I do get a mental image in my head about some guy trying to brag about how the clawmarks on his face for his troubles were really ‘this hot date’ they had the night before, though.”
“As for what replicas have to do with competitions…. well, your guess is as good as mine.”
“Is that how far your imagination stretches, kid? He obviously sealed the door with noseboogers imbued with magic.”
“Boys!”
“Hee hee. *cough* …yes, boys!”
“Ooh, a closer look at the science peaks.”
“That is one badass telescope at the top too.”
“Uh…. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I didn’t expect an old man levitating on a floating orb lower body? What is this? Shagma? I am honestly a bit surprised that you are the grandfather of our kitty friend here. Were you a part of Dr. Hojo’s weird fetishy experiments as well?”
“Oh, so he’s an adoptive grandfather, then. That would explain the… difference in looks.”
“Ohoho, well, it’s a known fact that the Bugenhagen family were eccentric, but none of us would go quite that far.”
“And we’re already off to the deep end. Must be an easy place to traverse for an old, floaty guy.”
“Ohoho, I do miss my old legs sometimes, but floaty orbs are convenient too.”
“OK, that took a weird turn. Or a creepy one. I’ll have you know Aeris will probably not stand any competition in the ‘listening to the voices’ market!”
“……”
“And now I feel bad about calling Bugenhagen out on the ‘voices’ thing, but never Aeris.”
“The sound of the stars in the heav-… wait, I remember this from science classes. Do you have any idea of how long it would take for SOUNDS to reach us? From stars far, far away? Never mind we’ll be seeing them go out, and even that would take some time. To say the speed of light far, FAR supercedes the speed of sound would make quite the understatement. Even in SOLDIER too. At least the sound part. And even so, that’s something you’re going to figure out on your own anyway. I mean… I can maybe buy that you can listen to this planet, but to hear the sounds from the stars? By the time we hear that, said stars are long, long, loooong gone. And that’s not even going into how sound needs an actual atmosphere to travel in. There is, after all, no sound in space that you can hear.”
“Ohoho, so young and already so smartypants. Even scientists need to be a little romantic about things, or we’ll end up a bunch of bores. That said, the planet does have a voice, you know. And we’d do well to listen in this case.”
“Uh…. his ‘apparatus’? I’m not sure I want to see that. Do you even have one, given your ‘no legs’ situation? Maybe Dr. Hojo took away your original ‘apparatus’.”
“You guys are weird.”
“Ohoho, you are an amusing lad. I can tell Nanaki is in good hands.”
“Well, the girls can hardly keep their hands off him, that’s for sure.”
“Hey, I can’t help it if they’re crazy cat ladies.”
“Uh… well, I wouldn’t want it to get crowded or anything.”
“Come on, Grandpa. You know your apparatus can fit more people than that.”
“I swear… you guys are doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“Yes, Bugenhagen wants to show us his apparatus, and I ain’t taking that trip alone.”
“…what?!”
“That guy better not be related to Hojo.”
“Just be glad you weren’t listening in on the conversation we just had.”
“Whoa!”
“Groovy, man. Groovy.”
“Well, hold on tight, ladies and gents, because I’m going to bring y’all a little closer to space.”
“I swear… if he gives me pills or ridiculously tiny pieces of paper….”
“Space is a wonderful thing, and certainly relevant to what we are about to learn. For, when people who are a bit too into the well-being of their mother, they are also going to learn how inhospitable space can be. For as we all know: in space, nobody can hear you scream.”
“I hope you mean just stargazing, because otherwise I’d ask you how exactly you know how this is just like the real thing. Because both Bugenhagen and I can give you a little lesson on how space works on the naked human body.”
“So, you’d say we’d never go to space?”
“Well… it’d take some pretty extraordinary circumstances, at least.”
“Hah. As it that would ever happen.”