Chapter 6: Rastan was a maaaaaaan….
“And I… just… keep… FALLING DOWN THESE CLIFFS HERE!”
“Oooh, Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening, me!”
“Galileo!”
“Galileo!”
“Galileo!”
“Galileo!”
“GALILEO FIGAROOOOO!”
“Heh heh heh.”
“D’OH!”
“I swear… it’s impossible to hear someone singing Bohemian Rhapsody and NOT join in. It’s just… impossible!”
“What is this? Some sort of ‘one brown lizard per horseman’ kind of a deal?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but no matter. Time to die.”
“Stranded, stranded, stranded on the top of a fall. Stranded, stranded, stranded on the top of a fall.”
“Sir, what the hell are you doing?”
“What do you do when you’re stranded, and there ain’t nothing on the roll?”
“I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“To prove you’re a man, you must wipe it with your hand…”
“ARGH! I… I knew it. This just had to go somewhere toilet-related, didn’t it?”
“You are correct, good sir. And since you have four hands, you’re not lacking for options, are you?”
“Oh, shut up! Besides, all my hands are busy.”
“Hmm. He’s standing with his back turned and doesn’t seem to notice me. TIME TO GO A-RIDIN’!”
“Yikes! First the uncooperative man-horse, and now lightning right above my head. This ain’t my day.”
“OK, time to take care of those ol’ hemorrhoids. I hope it won’t hurt too much.”
“I… saw… EVERYTHING!”
“Whoops! Um… OK, that was embarrassing.”
“I’ll say.”
“Well, I’m afraid there’s only one thing to do, then.”
“KILL ME! KILL ME NOW, AND CLEANSE MY MIND!”
“Yeah, I guess you two wouldn’t have to worry too much about that, huh? Especially Boney there.”
“Sometimes, I just wish I had brought a rope. Or ten. These jumps are getting tiresome.”
“Ah, yes… I knew I hadn’t seen the last of the firepits yet. I almost missed this.”
“Oh dear Lord, there are floating brown rocks here. Are these the spirits of the hemorrhoids I had exorcised with flame a while back haunting me? Because that would be a nightmare for the ages.”
“I do believe it’s getting dark outside. Good thing this SWORD doubles as a torch, strange as it is to say.”
“Oh no, the floating brown rocks are getting closer. GET THEE BEHIND MY BEHIND, SPHINCTER SPIRITS!”
“What?! What do you guys want?”
“I swear… if you make ONE MORE anus-related joke…”
“Yeah, you just keep saying that while brandishing suspiciously phallic weaponry at a suggestive angle.”
“Yeah, that’s where the ‘suggestive’ part of our threat comes in, see?”
“Oh, I do. ‘Comes in’, huh? Get it?! ‘Comes in’?”
“KILL HIM! KILL HIM NOW!”
“Ever since I took a flame thrower blast to my rear, taking a dump kind of hurts, know what I’m saying?”
“OH GOD WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SUFFER SO?!”
“Don’t worry. It’ll be short, I promise. See?”
“Me next, pleeaaase!” *sob*
*sigh* “Well, I’m all out of fire pit jokes. Besides, there’s nobody here to hear them.”
“EXCUSE ME, SIR HORSE?!”
“I’m a CENTAUR!”
“Yes, whatever. But could I catch a ride?”
“NO!”
“Cheapskate.”
“Up and down. Up and down. It never goddamn ends.”
“Bludgeonings, the series. Coming soon to a cranium near you.”
“Oh, hey… it’s the… um… cave already. Lucky me. Dragon, here I come.”
“Christ, this just looks like the third world I went to. Now they’re just recycling.”
“Oh dear Lord, do not collapse on me now. Then I’ll be making another drop, and I’m kind of tired of that sort of thing.”
“Well, no way around it, except literally. Anyway, don’t fry me now, wall-mounted flame thrower.”
*whew* “Well, that was close. Although it would be interesting to see if I could get me a flaming axe. What kind of damage would that do, I wonder?”
“You guys… Really, just… stand there, and I’ll be down in a second, axe first.”
“Damn it! Why do I keep on throwing these when he’s not even in my line of sight? Me and my obsessive-compulsive habits.”
“Oh, hey there, Goldie. Want to have another axe-related pun duel?”
“NOOOOO! I’d rather die than that.”
“Oh, phooey. Well, have it your way.”
“….on second thoAARGH!”
“Too late.”
“This tunnel is getting pretty tight. I should probably avoid doing overhead stabs.”
“WHOA NOW! More flamethrowers? I do not have a hemorrhoid problem anymore, so there’s no need for that sort of thing.”
“This must be… the FINAL FIRE PIT! I’m going to miss you guys. Seriously. Looking back on it, I haven’t jumped nearly enough of those on this journey.”
“And this might very well be the last drop too. I mean… this is seriously it. The final fight.”
“Man, I’m actually getting cold feet now. Isn’t that just hilarious? Maybe I haven’t jumped enough fire pits yet. Or landed in ones.”
“OK, OK! Let’s do this. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Just a huge dragon that wants to tear your head off and teabag you into next week. Nooothing to worry about. Just… until-now unheard of horrors. Yessir! Let’s go.”
“……”
“At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself.”
“OK, I went in. Now to wait for the unspeakable horror.”
“W-what the…. THAT’S the dragon? That’s it? Ol’ Bobblehead the Dragon? Good thing he had wings, or he wouldn’t reach THIS place. This… THIS… is what got people so spooked? Man, that’s just… I hope SOMEBODY out there’ll get to face something a bit more dangerous than this.”
*meanwhile, somewhere else*
“SWEET JESUS, THERE ARE FLAMES AND FIREY DEATH EVERYWHERE, COURTESY OF A HUGE, MENACING BLACK DRAGON! I AM GOING TO DIE! OH GOD IN THE MERCIFUL HEAVENS….”
*ahem… yes… well… back to our hero*
“Well, that was embarrassingly brief. Now to find out who thought it was a good idea to set the ending description to white text on nearly white backgrounds. At least I got all treasures from the Princess… if ya know what I mean, wink wink? Oh, I’m a bad, bad man.”
“And then I just went on a walkabout for the whole day. Because I’d be damned if I would go out on another mission right away. I figured I had earned myself a break from fire and poopie-ponds for a while.”
“And then, as night was about to fall, I raised my sword to the heavens in triumph… far away from the public, so nobody got to see it. Oh well… I was young those days, so some youth-like folly was to be expected.”
“And speaking of ‘young’, you call that a high score? I’ve seen you’ve done better before, so what excuse do you have this time? What? An LP? As if that even comes close to apologizing for this embarrassing display of ineptitude. You go back and you beat that record, ya hear?”
“Yeah, yeah. Run away. That’s right. Run away from the pile of flaming skulls with a sword on top. You kids today have no stamina. None!”
“Or I could… y’ know, do it right now.”
“What.. what happened? Why do I look like a complete dork? What happened to my sword? Why am I standing in this uninspired, cartoony dorkspace of a stage? Why am I attacked by what looks like the top half of a zombie who wears his pants on his head because he’s unable to use them like he’s supposed to? WHYYYYY?!”
“On second thought…”
THE END
LPer’s note: Yep, that’s it. That was the last stage of the epically awesome Rastan Saga, who, in a mean turn of events, does not allow anyone to continue on the very last stage.
And yeah, those hilarious screenshots you can see near the end is actually for Rastan 2, or, as it’s called in some regions; Nastar. I swear I’m not making that up. As for my reactions:
When I learned there was going to be a sequel to Rastan Saga, and a co-op one at that: “OH HELL YEAH! BRING IT ON! Oh God, I hope we’ll get it in our arcade hall.”
When I finally got to try it: “Wh-what the HELL is this crap?! Who thought that the awesome Rastan Saga needed a sequel that’s slow, cumbersome, ugly and boring?”
If you need a point of comparison, just think of the sequel as the Megadrive/Genesis’ Wonderboy 3: Monster Lair to the original’s Wonderboy in Monster World. (Yeah, I KNOW Monster World came out AFTER Monster Lair. It’s an apt comparison anyway, though.)
If you need more comparisons:
Here’s Rastan Saga, the awesome game I just finished LPing. (There’s some odd sound skipping in this video that obviously doesn’t happen in the game itself. It’ll still give you a general idea of how great the music is, even if they kind of reuse it for all six stages. ^^;; )
And this… THIS… is the ass-piece of a sequel that dares carry the Rastan banner. Just… just look at this! The only remotely positive thing I can say about this game is that the music is at least alright.
On a related note; the Freelance Astronauts actually featured the TG version of the sequel in their
And that’s it. Good night, everybody!