Chapter 3: I’m off to see the Wizard….
“OK, I couldn’t even have fallen down anywhere here, as this place’s got a roof. That makes no sense, of course, but amuses me all the same.”
“Hello, we are Lizard and Lizard, attorneys at law. We’ve come to sue you for unlawful entry, harassment and walking around in a metal jockstrap.”
“We encourage you to come with us quietly. I’m sure we can reach some kind of settlement.”
“Oh, we’ll reach a settlement alright. You can settle with my axe, and I will settle for your heads.”
“More attorneys, huh? Well, have at you.”
“No, wait! We were only out for a waAAAARGH!”
“Not on my watch, pal!”
“Man, this rock slide really chafes on my cheeks. It was much better when inside a castle and I slid down smooth stone.”
“HAHA! You thought you could fool me with a rock rolling up behind me, eh? Don’t you know I’ve got eyes in the back of my head?”
“GAH! Get off! Damn this bat for just impaling itself on my sword, preventing me from swinging it properly. There’s a lizardman up there whom I want to AXE some questions.”
“Ah, there we goWHOA! Hey, guys… did I interrupt something here?”
“IT’S… IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!”
“Boingy, boingy, boingy.”
“You’re supposed to do that going up, you lazy bastards. Here, let me introduce you to the ‘no pain, no gain’ principle.”
“I do believe I’ve come upon a protest rally. Either that, or they’re a couple of pitchforks short of a lynch mob.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“BETTER PAY!!”
“AND WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
“RIGHT NOW!!”
“Oh, they’ll be getting something ‘right now’, alright.”
“Oh, goodie. More protestors.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SHUT UP!!”
“AND WHEN DO WE W-..wait, what?”
“Yeah, that’s right. Run away like the coward you are. I tell you, that guy has no guts.”
“….”
“Whaaat?!”
“Well, I guess a little headway isn’t going to hu… wait, is that a silver coin on the floor?”
“Curses! Foiled again.”
“Oh, come ON. That’s just not fair. Did a craftsman just wake up one morning and go ‘You know what children’s slides are missing? FIREBALLS!’ ”
“Hey there, Mr. ‘Soon-to-be-out-of-a-groin’. How was your day?”
“I’ve had better days.”
“Tell me about it. Fetal position is, of course, optional.”
“Alas, the day for ludicrous traps is still not over. I wonder if a soft jab to the cheeks would encourage me to jump higher. Then I’d reach that rope.”
“You know, Mr. Lion. You REALLY should do something about that outgrowth of snake on your back.”
“I’m a CHIMERA!”
“Chimera… Lion… same thing.”
“No, it’s NOT!”
“Well, this needs to stop. Castle areas before the castle part? Now that’s just not right.”
“See? Now that’s… uh, better. Yes, a giant fire pit with stones bobbing in it. That feels really familiar, yet not really.”
“Alrighty, that danger’s passed. I wonder exactly what’s cooking down there.”
“Oh, another slide. How fun. And this one doesn’t have any fire pits of instant death either.”
“HAH! You thought you could get me with this? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me never, neener neener.”
“Yeah, you just run. I bet you’re all aware of how close you were to death.”
“It’s a Harpy. Ruuuuun.”
“H-hey… I’M the dangerous one here. Me.”
“Oh, this sure is a heinous, dangerous trap… IF NOT FOR THE HUGE HOLE IT’S COMING UP FROM! Really now….”
“Now, how did I GET ROPED INTO THIS, OH HA HA HA HA!”
“….kill me now.”
“LEAP OF FAITH GRAAAAAAH! Oh, dang, that’s an axe. And I’m going to miss it.”
“I missed that axe, and I’m going to take out my frustrations over this on your groin, you…. groinless skeleton thing. Again: damn it!”
“OK, seriously, guys… a rock trap isn’t going to work if I see it coming, mmmkay? I mean, really…”
“…..”
“And why am I talking? There’s nothing but lions here.”
“WE’RE CHIMERAS!”
“Whatever, dude.”
“Alrighty, it’s castle time. Let’s see if these guys knows how to party.”
“First, they could only afford half the armor, and now they can’t even afford to paint it green. That’s just sad.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“And he just left. Hmph. Rude.”
“Sssssh. He still hasn’t seen us.”
“Oh, there you are. You were supposed to fight me. You remember that, right?”
“Oh, shut up. Don’t tell me how to do my job… or dress myself in the morning.”
“I have to say this place is on fire. Literally. These chains are actually getting kind of hot.”
“And speaking of hot; here’s our old friend, the fire pit. Long time no see. You even have an axe for me. I don’t suppose that one’ll last until the boss fight?”
*sigh* “Why am I doing this? Is it all for the gold? Even a kingdom’s worth?”
“I guess I could just have chopped these off. Save the next adventurer some trouble. But… y’ know, I’m just not feeling that generous.”
“GAH! Oh, good one, castle. You almost had me there.”
“Yessir! I’m just… swingin’ around, mindin’ my own business.”
“Choose your poison: a flagon or a flagon and then pikes. I… think I’ll go for the former.”
“Oh, look… fire pits on a budget. How cute.”
“Fireball up the cornhole, though? ….nnnnot quite as cute.”
“And now I just came to the horrible realisation why these guys backs are unarmored. Jesus Christ, why couldn’t I have climbed faster? I’ve got enough horrible mental images to make a yaoi fangirl squeal with glee.”
“Are you a yaoi fangirl? ARE YOU?! HUH?!”
“Well, this one is being all generous with his attacks. I guess there’s no point in being stingy.”
“Oh yeah, I’m so swift I had that wizard taken care of and this doorway entered before his attacks even manage to hit that wall back there. Who’s your daddy? Come on; tell me: WHO’S! YOUR! DADDY?!”
“Er…. I wasn’t quite expecting an answer to that.”
“Well, one quick swipe ought to tak-.. HEEEEY! You’re teleporting. That’s just cheating. Never mind that you’re firing off five balls simultaneously.”
“PHWAGH! Also: go take a bath. Seriously!”
“GOT YOU! NO?! Argh, stand still, dammit!”
“I’m going to get you eventually, even if I have to do this for the rest of my life. The reward is just so worth it. Now stand still and die like a man, even though I’m not entirely sure if you are one. Because that looks suspiciously much like a dress. Are you wearing a dress, girlyman? Are you? Didn’t you know that short skirts are in this year? Let me help you make it so.”
“I gots to PAY MAH DUES!”
“….”
“What?!”
To be continued…
LPer’s note: This is obviously not apparent in the pictures of this LP, but the wizard boss actually spends most of the time in a sorta-transparent state, where your attacks obviously do no damage. Thing is; since this is an old game, said transparency is made through flashing the sprite really fast. Looks fine in the game, but obviously not in the screenshots. In fact, this is the place in the game where I pretty much just continuously pressed the screenshot button to make sure I had at least SOME usable screencaps.
Also, say hello to the skeleton, this being the first stage you meet him in. The bastard is actually the only non-boss enemy that takes three standing hits with the sword to kill. To make matters worse, he will also sometimes either raise his shield to completely block your attacks. Or he will literally drop into the ground, in which case you will only see his head. Both these stances make him completely invulnerable, of course, which earns him a spot on Kurt Russel’s Cheatin’ Bastards list.