Chapter 2: Fudge For Forest.
“FALL IN!”
“……..”
“I kid, I kid. Though this world really has a thing for making me throw myself down from high places.”
“Snakes? Well, that’s just bloody normal. Where are the naked women riding on cows with human arms for horns.”
“Rastan Stairmaster, coming to a gaming store near you soon.”
“Whoo, that sure did my thighs a lot of good.”
“Boing, boing, boing, boing…”
“Sounds like somebody else is having fun with this too.”
“DIE, SNAKE! YOU DON’T BELONG IN THIS WORLD. YOU’RE JUST… so normal.”
“Jesus on a… as if the Hornet isn’t dangerous enough by itself, this one is armed. With a giant axe, even.”
“Awww, you out letting your little snake get some air?”
“That’s not my-.. waaaait, are you trying to make me sound like I’m flashing myself?”
“Busted.”
“Well, just you get over here, and I’ll show you what my ‘little snake’ can do.”
“Ew.”
“Er…. what’s this?”
“It’s a brown, bubbling liqui-..PYUEW! IT REEKS LIKE DEAD POOPIE! Ugh, I… I…”
*cough* “Wh… where am I? Oh, the smell… the… I… I fell down into the bog of eternal stench, didn’t I? Oh, why me…?”
“Hey, look who found the pit. And PY-YEW, does it smell like poopie in here.”
“He… he who smelt it, delBLUEARGH!”
“Haha, he totally chucked his load.”
“Let’s just turn around and go back.”
“Ugh, I can still feel the stench. I have to dive into my own armpits for fresher air.”
“Ew. Smells like somebody took a bath in the poopie-pond.”
“Oh, shut up! I’m not talking to you, you… jerk!”
“Well, that’ll work for me. If I can just… get close… enough.”
“……”
“Ugh, I… can’t. Smell… too overpowering.”
“Never so rancid it won’t be good for something, huh?”
“Ooookay, this is what happens when you buy bootleg Stairmasters. They get all irregular and stuff, and then you get to the top and a lion will eat you.”
“Really now, a horisontal log? In a tree? That’s kind of sideways, isn’t it?”
“Good grief. Another hornet with an axe? Somebody’s compensating for something.”
“OH GOD SWING BACK, SWING BACK! PIRANHA HEADING FOR MY BUTT!”
“And it’s not the only one, if you catch my drift.”
“OH GOD, IT’S A… oh, hey… boobies.”
“H-hey, what are you staring at?”
“You got a nice set of… um, wings.”
“Well, that was an interesting diversion.”
“Aaaanyway, maybe I should just swim over this place. Maybe that’d help me wash off the last bit of brown water.”
“Aaaand we got another hornet — armed, of course, with a mace this time — but… huge stone blocks bobbing in the water? This is getting crazy.”
“Well, I’m not out of the woods yet, DURHUR! Hey, where are you going, lion? Come back here and face the mace.”
“Hey, there. Is this the bridge over troubled water?”
“Whuddya… what… eh… who?”
“You wanna join me for a little caber tossing competition?”
“You shall not fool me with your crazy talk, and you shall! not! pass!”
“Oh, I like a Smurf when he’s fully armed… and FILTHY!”
“I do believe I was insulted. What did you call me again?”
“A Smurf. A roided-up Smurf, yes, but a Smurf all the same.”
“Yes, whatever. Anyway, would you mind helping me set these alight? My hands are… kinda full at the moment.”
“Oh, sure…”
“Now there was a guy with no sense of humor. He didn’t even know his favorite color.”
“There he is! Get ‘im, boy.”
“Well, I could always fight them, but I can also just go inside. It’s not like they’d follow me in here, even though the door is open and all.”
“It’s the indoor Stairmaster.”
“Oh crap, he’s here again.”
“Sssh, he still hasn’t seen us. Back up, quick.”
“Did I just hear something? Hmm. Odd.”
“NOW! SHOOT HIM!”
“What the…”
“EAT MAH BALLS OF WATER, FOO’!”
“There’s no getting away from dese nuts, I guess.”
“OK, out of the water pistol fight and into the spiky traps. What did I do to deserve this?”
“Oh yes, turn the wrong side while climbing up here, and you risk being violated in the worst ways. Now that’s some nasty traps.”
“Oh God, fireball to the balls unavoidable. Good thing I have my metal codpiece on.”
“I did not need to know that.”
“Well, tough luck, because that’s where the fireball flies. Looks like you’re about to get one of your own too.”
“EAT MY BALLS OF..”
“Water, yes yes yes.”
“SO, YOU’VE MET MAH BALLS BEFORE, HUH?!”
“I… don’t even know how to answer that.”
“Well, this is new. Weeeeee.”
“WeeeeGAH! JUMP, JUMP, JUMP!”
“Those fiends. A fire pit right below the slide. Whoever owns this castle sure isn’t thinking about the children.”
“Heeeey, Guy. Say, what kind of a weapon is that? Swordaxe? That’s new, isn’t it?”
“Uh, no… that’s… oh, never mind. It’s going to make you dead anyway.”
“Yeah, we’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?”
“Another gate far, far into the castle. Yeah, that does make a whole lot of sense. But who cares? It opens and closes continuously, so it’s not like the gate is…. you know, keeping stuff out, like IT IS SUPPOSED TO DO!”
“Well, looks like we’re finally at the top. I wonder what kind of gigantic humanoid I’ll be meeting up here. At least I have my axe, so that’ll help.”
“What the… that’s not a large guy at all. Fast, yes, but…”
“And he even jumps straight into my weapon range. This’ll be over really, really fast.”
“Because killing solves EVERYTHING! Well, at least I know I’ll be facing a dragon at some point. That’ll be a whole load of exciting, I bet.”
To be continued…
LPer’s note: Yes, that bird lady has naked boobies. They were so much more lenient with that sort of things back in the day. Also, you die the INSTANT you come into contact with the water, but you sure can take a dip in that brown, bubbling water without taking harm. (It just handicaps your jumping abilities, making getting out of that crap really annoying.)
This is also the first stage where you can bring your bonus weapon into the boss fight if you’re fast enough, which makes the fight ridiculously easy, especially if you also have the ring. (Which ups your attack speed, in case you were wondering.)
The chapter title? Well, let’s say it’s a reference to a group of Norwegian activists that really should know better.