Chapter 9: A crisis and a case of priorities.
“So, to drive on QUICKSAND, we need a HUGE VEHICLE OF STEEL THAT PROBABLY WEIGHS SEVERAL TONS! Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Hey, when you’ve got science on your side, you’ve got science on your side.”
“And to think they used to blame magic for this sort of thing.”
“Really? Is is a town filled with funny people?”
“Either that, or strange ones.”
“Earthquakes, you say? When would that be anything new?”
“Look there. These people are literally waking up at the crack of dawn.”
“Or the crack of anything.”
“And good golly, but who thought we would experience a quake just by being here.”
“I like my house shaken, not stirred.”
“What the… and you’re not? Earthquakes are serious business.”
“Wha… Rika, you… did you get infected with Rune or anything? This unusual assholishness doesn’t suit you.”
“I just thought I’d try it out and see how it felt.”
“Why would you DO that?!”
“Dunno. It was a spur of the moment decision.”
“Man, I knew we should have gone with the brick system. Or even the plank system. Plates just don’t work out.”
“It could’ve been worse. It could have been a BRICKED system.”
“So you have a system that can control entire regions of land like that? Good grief, don’t tell me the entire planet is mechanized.”
“No, don’t be silly.”
“Yeah, it’s not like we have computers that control every single aspect of this planet, like the weather and stuff… even tectonic plates… so why am I being paranoid, huh?”
“Alas, to be a system that was designed only to be shut down. What is the world coming to?”
“The shutdown screen?”
“The world is shutting down. Please wait.”
“The bible… it is a gigantic computer manual.”
“What? No, we merely pointed out what needed to be done. Stop being such lazy bastards and help yourselves for a change. I don’t need any fetch quests right now.”
“Weren’t you listening? I said ‘go help yourselves’.”
“You might as well give it up, Chaz. These people are too rooted in their respective spots, and won’t move too far out of their own comfort zones.”
“HAAARGH! OK, fine!”
“What the… OK, so NOW they’re all off like a shot? If they could only put in that energy in doing stuff themselves. I swear… if these jokers expect more help in the future, I’m going to expect some kind of payback.”
“Yes, let’s ‘USE’ the Land Rover, because it’s lying in our stash like an item. This is almost like Dragonball capsules.”
“Is that a Land Rover in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
“I just happen to have a Nick Adams in my pocket.”
“I guess this would be the plate system.”
“Indeed it is.”
“Looks like another one of those underground bases.”
“We should probably check the next town for some better equipment before going down here, though.”
“Wait, we fight enemies in these vehicles? Why don’t we just run them over? They’re surely not THAT big or armor-plated.”
“Sounds like at least one of us has never had to wash and polish his Land Rover. Trust me; if you knew how disgusting that is, you’d shoot them with your guns too.”
“I’ve had to wash and polish my boots. Does that count?”
“NO, IT DOESN’T!”
“OK, I guess that answers that; androids can get quite cranky.”
“And trust me; you won’t like us when we’re angry.”
“Those scythe-toting bastards are hardy, aren’t they?”
“Shoot him in the eye. He’s only got one.”
“THIS CAR WON!”
“It’s good to know we can practice our fighting abilities by sitting inside this thing and pushing buttons.”
“Of course. It’s the way of the future.”
“I swear, every single city we visit…”
“Are you all strangers here? This planet’s got… like, seven or eight cities, and NEITHER of you have ever been here?”
“Well, I’m only one year old, and dad wouldn’t let me go outside until now.”
“Ah, of course….. wait, what?!”
“Is it wrong for me to be attracted to a one year old?”
“I… uh, I guess it’s OK in this case, but I wouldn’t ever write that on a forum if I were you.”
“Really, now? That sounds like a herione worth following.”
“I expect said heroine would rather dole out some divine punishment for idiots spouting nonsense like that.”
“And of course we’ve heard of her. What kind of people would be so out of touch with their past as this?”
who indeed?
“You what? Haven’t you guys heard about LIBRARIES?! Why would only five of you just stand around remembering things? Surely we have invented the printing press by now. And if not that, the freaking QUILL! What are we? a bunch of illiterates?”
ah, the dangers of asking questions…
“You liar! There is absolutely nothing magical about this helmet. It’s just a steel helmet regardless of how awesome you try to make it sound.”
“Awesome? I question the naming abilities of Mr. Norman Bates over here, and his PSY-chotic stuff.”
“Maybe I should get the Psy-shield. It’ll save me from knife stabs in the shower.”
“Really? I wouldn’t have known about it if we didn’t wander over here.”
“Yeah. Everyone else were far too occupied with the statue.”
“Whaaat?! That can’t be. I put on my headband of fame, you know.”
“Well, I’m sad to say, that unfortunately does not guarantee that you’ll live forever.”
“Anyway, what do you have for sale in your faaaabulous store here, Mister?”
“Oh, I’m so glad you aaaasked.”
“Oh, so they’re calling it a ‘sand worm’ doll these days. I guess that’s a good excuse for the kiddies.”
“Is that a sand worm doll in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?!”
“I wonder how the parents would handle it if their kid told them that they’d be outside playing with their sand worms.”
“Probably as well as the shopkeeper here, because that is a red face if I’ve ever seen one.”
*hrmph* “He didn’t have to throw us out, you know.”
“He probably didn’t have a romantic bone in his body.”
“Anyway, as for this being a spot for romantics… I guess that depends on how how you get under your collars for girls who fight ultimate evil… that lisps.”
“Well, what else would it be? I don’t see how much help a tiny being like that can be unless it breathes massive gouts of fire or something.”
“OK, so she fights ultimate evil, takes revenge for her brother and generally becomes an icon for women all over to follow their dreams regardless of what they may be, and people remember her beauty before anything else?”
“Yep. Gotta love good values, huh?”
“Wh-heeey, that’s rude. It’s not like we entered your house to plunder your drawers or anything.”
“Or are you an anti-Motavian? Anti-android…ian? Or do you just hate artificially created people? You will bend before minority power of guilt-tripping, fool!”
“Well, anyway, let’s head off to that plate system before… oh, bugger.”
“Literally, even.”
“What does this button do?”
“Honey, I shrunk the bugs.”
“All the better to SQUASH them with, my dear.”
“NO SQUASHING, I SAID!”
“But… but…”
“Well, I won’t be the one to break out the firehose and the sponges if you do.”
“Oh well, there goes another fantasy of mine.”
“Alright, let’s go get us some plates.”
“Um… we’re here to shut it down.”
“How do you shut down a plate? By not putting any food on it?”
“Sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate as it is.”
“The thing on the left wants us to wait for a bit, and I have no idea what the thing on the right is looking for.”
“It’s always on the search. That’s… so romantic.”
“It’s making no sense, that’s what it is. Or isn’t, as it were. Or weren’t. Or something.”
“OW! Dammit! What was that for?”
“It’s punishing you for being a rude, unromantic jerk, that’s what.”
“That statement is illogical. And presumptuous.”
“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Miss Spock.”
“I have no idea whether they’re serious or just joking around.”
“That’s nice, but… THIS THING IS STILL SHOOTING AT ME! CAN WE DESTROY IT NOW, PLEASE?!”
“Oh, alright. If only to stop your complaining.”
“Laser acupuncture is not my idea of fun.”
“It’s… a repair kit? For repairing what?”
“Why, androids of course.”
“Well, of course. It’s not like we’re in a huge mechanical complex or anything.”
“But is this repair kit compatible with you, Demi? I’m sure there’s gotta be a lot of different kinds of androids out there.”
“No problem. It’s not like this is a movie or anything, where you don’t have to worry about things like incompatibilities or stuff like that. Oh, wait….”
“Look. It’s the Marxbots.”
“It’s the Invasion of the Pod People.”
“More like the invasion of the bad reference.”
“Oh God, I’m seeing red. Did I accidentally unleash a warcry without knowing?”
“No, you… what? Where did you get that idea?”
“Oh man, isn’t this going to be a whole lot of fun.”
“Well, at least they didn’t start throwing out communism jokes as if it was candy.”
“Titn Gear? I… no comment.”
“That’s good. And why are you staring at my chestplate like that?”
“Nothing. I’m just wondering whether a chainmail bikini would be a step up in the protection department for you. Probably not, though.”
“Well, that plate alone makes me better armored than any of you… well, except maybe you and your shoulder plates… and Demi, who’s pretty much made of metal….”
“…….”
“OK, never mind. When things start diving down that slippery-slope hill of not making any sense, then I bail out. Let’s just let the stats do the rest.”
“Wow, this is like a bigger version of those Marxists up there, and far more threatening.”
“Pshah! What’s he going to do? Shelve us real hard?”
“OW! Goddamn it!”
“Well, Chaz, there’s your answer. Happy now?”
“Not really.”
“Oh, nice. I’d like me some abbreviation armor, please.”
“We all fall under the four character limit curse, don’t we?”
“…yes, we suuuuure do.”
“Did you say anything, Charles?”
“NOIDIDN’T! SHUTUP!”
“Wait, what? What did you say there, Gryz?”
“Well, you see…”
“NOOOO!”
“Glass floors! Didn’t we already deal with this once before?”
“Well, they seem to have gone completely stir-crazy with it here. Personally? I’m getting used to it by now.”
“What’s the problem, Chaz. It’s almost like walking on air.”
“QUIET!”
“Christ almighty, this place never ends!”
“Just follow the blue line.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.”
“D’OH! See?!”
“It’s just a short dead end, so stop complaining. At least it didn’t have you walk all around the complex before throwing it at you.”
“See? Another short dead end.”
“I dunno… they’re almost as annoying as the long ones. I mean…. we should at least have seen this from our vantage point, right? Is our line of sight really that short?”
“It’s the fog of war, aw yeah!”
“Yes, of cou-.. wait, what? No, it isn’t!”
“Sooo, Demi, riddle me this: what’s the difference between a worker and a slave?”
“They don’t get paid.”
“Oh, of course! I mean… what do robots spend money on anyway? Repair kits?”
“Well, it depends on the genre of said robot. Since most of them tend to be thought of as ‘male’, said money also goes to motor oil and strippers.”
“Why did I even ask. We should probably move on before we go into what it means when a robot strip.”
“As you please. We might want to defeat this thing first, though.”
“Why?”
“Because it got a bitchin’ slap.”
“I… can see that.”
“WELL, I CAN FEEL THAT! AND IT HURTS!”
“Guys, I am starting to run out of corridor jokes and glass floor jokes. Are we there yet?”
“Not really. May I interest you in a few communist jokes?”
“Oh, please, no!”
“BLUUUUEEEE LIIIIIINEEEE……”
“Ah, it’s almost like the return of ol’ ‘Blue Eyes’ himself… except it sucks.”
“Everybody’s a critic today.”
“A laser knife? Man, it’s a shame we didn’t bring Hahn along. I miss his aimless flailing.”
“I bet you miss Alys’s complaining about your swings too.”
“Well… I kind of do, in fact.”
“Ooh. A laser axe? GIMME!”
“And a ‘barrir’. IT’S LASER BARRY!”
“Well, since we don’t have Laser Barry with us, we’ll just have to sell it in the next store we visit.”
“It’s a STUN shot. Yeah, that looks like it’ll work wonders on ROBOTS!”
“You can. That’s what the Paradox Ammo is for.”
“The what? OK, never… never mind. I don’t wanna know.”
“Nor does the robots.”
“This is the center that puts stuff on our plates.”
“It’s the Butler system.”
“I dub him…. Reginald.”
“Well, I’m sorry, guys, but we’re going to have to fire Reginald. He’s been making quite a mess of things.”
“Well, that’s what you get for putting too much stuff on his plate. Then his arms give out, and it all comes crashing to the ground.”
“Huzzah. Now we don’t need to see Gryz wet himself anymore either.”
“I did not.”
“Well, you’re sweating.”
“That I CAN’T do. You know, the fur and all.”
“No sweat? Then how do you deal with the heat?”
“Well… you know a couple of days ago when you slapped me because you thought I was a pervert?”
“I do, but that was because you were panting like… wait, are you saying…?”
“Yes, that was when we crossed those large stretches of sand. Remember now?”
“Um…. oops?”
“Sooo… how about it, Demi? Are we going to be OK? Ol’ Reginald ain’t gonna take a gruesome revenge or anything?”
“Zio, we’re going to meet again. And when we do, you will pay for throwing poor Reginald out of whack! …oh, and for that thing with Alys too.”
“Now there’s a man with his priorities in order.”
“So… who won the awesome named spell and who won the spell that sounds like it was being named by a guy who bit himself in his own tongue?”
“And it’s mastered too. I guess that means you can bite your own tongue without hurting or damaging it.”
“Perfect teeth control. Now there’s something to aim for.”
“Chaz, the Great Masticator.”
“Ew. That sounds dirty.”
“OK, so just to be clear on this; we’re done in here, right?”
“Yep.”
“So, why haven’t we exited this place yet. We ARE going the wrong way right now, you know.”
“True, but we haven’t checked this route yet. Can’t leave before we’ve completely looted this place. One single repair-kit isn’t nearly enough rewards.”
“…of course. What difference does a few more corrupted souls make.”
“Well, aside from Juza, his only minions are a bunch of shambling — not to mention rambling — idiots in a temple. I think they’re pretty safe for now. Once we’ve dealt with Zio, however… but that’s gonna be their own damn fault.”
“Oh, fine!”
“Oooo-kaaay? So if THESE are spare parts, then what are the repair kits?”
“Those are parts I already have, mostly for replacing. These are parts that I DON’T have.”
“It’s tempting to ask WHY she doesn’t have them, but since I want to get out of this place today, I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.”
“Also, didn’t we already make clear the whole ‘spare parts’ thing?”
“I do, but shouldn’t they be called ‘extra parts’, then? You know, seeing as how they’re parts you don’t really need to function. They’re… well, extras.”
“Yeah!”
“Oh, fine, Mister and Miss Pedantic. They’re extra parts. Happy now?”
“Not really, but I’ll live.”
“Because I’m not giving you a strip show, sucka! I’m not that kind of girl.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve seen the insides of a computer before.”
“Somehow, I doubt that. But as it happens, my creators saw fit to give me some… realistic body parts.”
“Oh, really?!”
“I’m not sure I like that gleam in your eyes.”
“Oh, fine!”
*a couple of minutes later*
“That’s because I put my chest plate back into place.”
“Ooh. Internal hardware. Plug and play?”
“Yep.”
“Thank the heavens for random encounters, then.”
“And speaking of which, here they are. So, let’s see what this ‘phononmezer’ skill can do.”
“…..”
“Uh…..”
“And you told me you weren’t that kind of girl.”
“What?!”
“The enemies. They’re hypnotized by the… uh, waves coming from your… chest area. Man, there’s no way of saying this without sounding rude or perverted, is it?”
“Alright, let’s head back to that quake-ridden town and see if everything’s OK. I mean… we got a whole shipload of ‘thanks’ before we headed off, after all.”
“Yes, it’s not like we could just ryuka’d ourselves where we need to go, right?”
“Seems fine to me.”
“Well, it looks like a bombed out, shaken out wasteland, but other than that? Sure.”
“It looked like that when we got here the first time, so that isn’t going to come out of our bonus.”
And with that little sidetracking out of the way, our heroes once again press on. With Alys’s life in peril, time is short. And there is nobody who understands this as well as Chaz.
“What the… Chaz, why the hell are we here doing guild quests? Don’t we have someone to… oh, RESCUE?!”
“Yes, that’s true, but… with Alys gone, there’s nobody around to take guild quests, which means they fall to us to see through.”
“I think my logic circuits just fried. Again.”