Chapter 8: Chicks really DO dig the car.
“Well, yes… that’s why we came here, wasn’t it?”
“Hey, am I Captain Obvious or am I Captain Obvious?”
“You suuuuure are.”
“And paying customer.”
“Paying cus-.. is this some sort of escort service?”
“In a way.”
“Alys, could you please not make this sound worse than it really is, at least?”
“Oooh, that is so scandalous.”
“No, that’s… guys, please help me out here.”
“My oh my.”
“Eh, looks like you can manage to make this situation hilarious all on your own.”
“No, I’m just doubled over laughing, but thanks all the same.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want you to have to prostitute yourselves away for monomates.”
“OH HA HA HA HA HA HA….”
“I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?”
“I can feel something else welling in me, and I LIKE IT!”
“Well, if I were you, I’d give Nurvus a good talking to. It’s never good for someone to be controlling. It’s a bad personality trait.”
“Um…. no, that’s not quite what I meant.”
“They’re just kidding around. Just ignore them.”
“In all the ways that count, too.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
“Did you try to zap the mainframe?”
“Yep. I also formatted the harddrive and flipped the flop on my microphone.”
“Party compatibility rising.”
“Good. Then I don’t have to use…. my special converter.”
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
“Huh?”
“Oh… oh… I know this one. I have no qualms with you, Sir Knight, but I must pass.”
“She’s a witch.”
“How do you know?”
“She turned me into a Palmanian?”
“But you’re big and furry now.”
“….I got better.”
“Whoopee. The Black Knight is here.”
“What?!”
“Um… nothing.”
“Dennis?”
“Nooot quite.”
“…hamster?”
“What? No.”
“Leprechaun?”
“NO!”
“Gun?”
“Ooh, good choice.”
“Um… to be thieves, we would have to come here to steal something, when, in fact, we’re here to get back something that you stole… well, kidnapped, to be more specific.”
“Which makes YOU the thief.”
“Or kidnapper.”
“Yes, or that.”
“The great damager of college cellars and the reputations of principals.”
“No, I meant worms. Didn’t you see any while you travelled here?”
“Oh, THOSE. Yeah, we took care of a few of them ourselves.”
“See? Nothing to it, eliminating those worms.”
“Yyyeah, I just didn’t expect you to be so… literal.”
“Begging fearfully? Pain and anguish? Unless your GOD likes stifled chuckles and people being unable to take their peons seriously, he won’t be getting much.”
“OK, I’m starting to get tired of hearing you talk.”
“By talking us to death?”
“And you certainly are humble, Mr. Filibuster. Mind letting us get in a word once or twice?”
“I guess the time for talking is over.”
“Yeah, that’s right, Mr. Cult. Just whip up that Mag Barrier of yours.”
“They give his pistol extra clips… if you know what I mean.”
“Wh-heey, that’s unfair.”
“Our weapons. They won’t work against him.”
“He must be the evil twin of… the PRINCE of SPACE!”
“He’s the white sheep of our family. We don’t speak much of him.”
“Bloody hell, this is getting us nowhere.”
“I hate these fights we’re just supposed to lose.”
“I don’t see how this can get any worse.”
“Riiikaaa!”
“What?!”
“You’re not supposed to say things like that. Ever!”
“Right you are, fool, for I command the most evil force of all times, and it’s about time you met him.”
“…the Cookie Monster’s evil twin brother?”
“OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!”
“Joke all you like, but you shall all die now.”
“THIS IS NOTHING LIKE I IMAGINED!”
“Surf’s NOT up, I can tell you.”
“OH GOD ZIO IS FORCE-FONDLING MY BREASTS! NOW I CAN NEVER GET MARRIED!”
“That… bastard. Wait, married?!”
“All your cup-size are belong to me.”
“That fiend! All Your Base jokes have long gone out of style.”
“Hey, I’m evil. What did you expect?”
“Yes, let me just add that to my temporary logbook and ring my temporary bank.”
“Well, you know what they say: ‘he who fights and… uh, temporarily loses… will return to fight another day’.”
“Yes, there is no such thing as a temporary loss here.”
“You want to add something to that, Alys?”
“Uuuunghhhh.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Why? You got something better than Gires there?”
“We sure do. It’s called ‘a bed’.”
“That’s a fair call.”
“He was kind of… I dunno…”
“Emo?”
“Well… yeah. Stereotypically so.”
“Ugh, his groping wave hurts enough as it is. Could you at least can the jokes, please?”
“You’re no fun at all.”
“Possessed what? She was hit by an attack.”
“And some kind of poison attack by the looks of things.”
“Besides, I’m… ugh… not refusing anything. Heal me already.”
“Zio. He’s a fan of erections.”
“Damn you, Chaz! Laughing… hurts…”
“He likes to get a rise out of people.”
“His acting was kind of wooden, though.”
“Ow ow ow ow stop it!”
“IT! WASN’T! INVISIBLE!”
“Science. It can be different things to different people.”
“Fair enough, but it was still VISIBLE.”
“That’s just what I wanted to hear.”
“Yeah, it’s not like you’ve been reminding us about that every ten steps or anything.”
“Why? Did we let it? Was there nobody around to study and preserve it?”
“Magic is the thing of the past. All that counts now is… SCIENCE!”
“But…”
“SCIENCE!”
“Yyyeah, there’s some underlying phobia here, I think.”
“Oh, so that’s his last name. ‘Ooo’.”
“No. And thanks for at least not being funny right now.”
“Ouch.”
“And you all know what that means, right?”
“That he’s going to be a collossal asshole towards everyone?”
“Not everyone. Just me. Urgh! Can’t we do without him?”
“NO!”
“Are you sure you’re really sick?”
*cough* “Of… of course. Now go!”
“The what tower?”
“Sounds like an office building.”
“Do we have to fill in forms to enter?”
“Just four.”
“Lying beyond a patch of quicksand does not make something an island.”
“Unless you want to make an argument that any body of land surrounded by water is an island.”
“But what are THEY going there for? I’m guessing we need to get a certain item from there, but why would THEY go there?”
“Hey, we need to get our direction cues somehow. Are we going or not?”
“A Land Rover. I like the sound of that.”
“I dunno. It sounds like a dog to me.”
“Land Rover, Land Rover, can Gryz come over?”
“Yes, li-.. hey, what?”
“You’re quite full of questions, aren’t you?”
“It’s a job.”
“It’s NOT!”
“Finally.”
“Impatient?”
“Nonono. It’s not like I’m dying here or anything.”
“What?! Oh no, please… don’t leave me alone in the room with these two.”
“H-heey. We’re not THAT sugary.”
“I concur. In fact, since there’s only one bed in this room…. Alys, could you scoot over?”
“HOLYCRAPIT’SLATEWENEEDTOGONOW!”
“NOOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME! PLEASE!”
“Please do it. Fast!”
“Oh, I’m sure this’ll take some time.”
“Don’t worry, though; we’ll take really good care of her.”
“I don’t think I want details about that… yet.”
“Alright, are we all prepared? What’s your level, Demi. Not to mention… durhur …your stats.”
“Why don’t I show you?”
“By all means.”
“I hope you won’t be let down by this not being what you think, Gryz.”
“Eh, I’ll be fine.”
“Mental = zero? You seem plenty smart to me.”
“I don’t have any TP either, so pull your pants back on, Gryz.”
“Oh, poopie.”
“Not this time, buddy.”
“I must say you look pretty good for your age, though.”
“Um… thank you. I’m… not sure if it would be appropriate to say the same to you.”
“Well, never mind. Let’s just leave before Hahn the Sugar Daddy start corrupting Alys here.”
“Why do I keep finding myself drawn back to this place?”
“I dunno, but I heard there was a really hot elementary school teacher here.”
“Har har. Let’s just head south.”
“That’s only because you’re a wuss.”
“You just watched Alys get magically groped by Zio the cultist and his evil henchman The Dookie Monster, and THIS scares you?”
“Well, yes…”
“And Hahn’s… implications weren’t creepier by themselves?”
“Hey, we got out of there in time, didn’t we?”
“OK, here we are. The ‘M.Center’.”
“Booooring. I’d rather be in the M&M center.”
“….”
“You… want snacks that look like dogfood dipped in paint? That’s… I don’t know if I think it’s appropriate or not.”
“Oh my. I HAVE CONTROL!”
“NOW YOU HAVE CONTROL!”
“I STILL HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS LAND ROVER!”
“BE HEALED!”
“Well, that’s convenient. They should totally build these everywhere. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about enemies.”
“Neither would the enemies, though.”
“Um…. yeah. Never mind, I guess.”
“Repairs? I guess we need…. A PILOT!”
“YE-..wait, what?”
“Well, I learned that from the log in that crashed meteor… ship… thing. Pilots were the rarest honor someone could have. The most esteemed and knowledgeable of positions.”
“That doesn’t make any sense at all.”
*really? We’ll just have to see about that…*
“But… that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Yeah. I mean… I don’t want to put the job down — it’s a hard job — but… what about magicians? Scientists?”
“Besides, why would we need pilots anyway?”
*some time later*
“…I stand corrected.”
“So…. does that mean WE are pilots now?”
“…probably not.”
*I guess it still doesn’t make any sense. Moving on….*
“And a pervert.”
“Not as much as Hahn and Saya, though.”
“Tell me about it.”
“That’s not funny either.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be.”
“I still like the thought better than what is probably going on in Hahn’s bedroom this very second.”
“OH GOD WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT?!”
“Like ‘all your base are belong to us’ and ‘you have no chance to survive make your time’.”
“That’s so… out of style.”
“And fiendish.”
“So… we need to go into space?”
“Yep.”
“Don’t we need pilots for that?”
“…well, let’s just hope it has auto-pilot.”
“Nice. We should totally create auto-professors and auto-magicians too.”
“With a spaceship, stupid.”
“I KNOW! I’m just not seeing a spaceship here.”
“Nope. I’m afraid Zio’s sitting safely on that one.”
“Neato. Another reason to go after Zio.”
“Anyway, we went here for a reason, right, Demi?”
“I’m glad we’re finally back on track. And speaking of tracks…”
“Sweet Jesus, those are some sweet wheels.”
“The Land Rover doesn’t use wheels, dummy. It uses caterpillar tracks.”
“And we’re going to use it to cross QUICKSAND!”
“Makes sense to me.”
“Don’t we have to go inside it to start it up?”
“Nope, because I’VE GOT REMOTE CONTROL!”
“YOU NOW HAVE REMOTE CONTROL!”
“Alright, joke’s over. Let’s go outside.”
With our friends finally making tracks… er, no pun intended… they head out to track down… er, no pun intended again… Rune, the magician. With his extremely rude help, they hope to finally trac.. uh, find a means to deal with Zio’s barrier. With that in mind, our heroes head outside…
“Man, Demi, you are a girl — well, technically — and you’re interested in cars? You’re going to be every guy’s fantasy.”
” ‘Technically’?”
“Well….”
“You like ’em big, don’t you, Demi?”
“I sure do. Durhur.”
“All that AND a dirty sense of humor. I’m in love.”
“Oh, you…”