Chapter 7: The Shady Bunch.
“Alright, time to do some spelunking. Let’s just carefully elbow ourselves past this hedge here….”
“And we are inside. Wow, this is a cave.”
“Indeed. Maybe if we go through it, we’ll get to the other end.”
“That would be just mindblowing.”
“Maybe even earthshattering.”
“We’re fighting what? The Zuul Slug?”
“No, the ZOL slug. It’s got nothing to do with gatekeepers or whatnot.”
“Aww. But I was hoping the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would drop by.”
“So, what do these slugs do? Slime us?”
“Yeah, that too.”
“That too?”
“Oh…”
“It got bigger.”
“That’s what she said.”
“I did NOT!”
“So, what can it do now? Slime us even more?”
“So, you gonna cry now, Gryz? Huh? Huh? Gonna cry now?!”
“War. It makes me sad.”
“Well, at least we’ve got GiRes to heal your wounded heart, GiFoi to get it all fired up and… uh… DeBan to… um….”
“Get you unbanned from forums so that you can talk about it later?”
“Yeah, that’ll have to do.”
“It’s the exit, everyone. Prepare to go into the light.”
“NO, WE MUSTN’T!”
“Why not? I don’t want to spend an eternity into this dank-ass cave here.”
“I… was only kidding. You know, in that ‘don’t go into the light’ kind of a way.”
“Nice job breaking it, hero.”
“And to the left, we have… uh, a piece of rubble.”
“Worst! Tour guide! Ever!”
“I demand my money back.”
“You didn’t PAY me any money.”
“Well, good for you. That means you won’t have to give us back any either.”
“Yaaaaay.”
“And this is… um, NOT a pile of rubble.”
“Well, not yet, anyway. But we just got here, and we’re hungry for a PAAARTY!”
“Aren’t we already IN a party, though?”
“Yeah, but that’s not the same, man.”
“Details, details. Also, I AM NOT A MAYUN!”
“Yes. In a way.”
“We’ve come to paint the town red with the blood of the… well, the believers in this case.”
“Nope. Only the end of his ass.”
“Cause we’re gonna put a boot up there. Really hard.”
“Word, yo!”
“WATCH OUT, GUYS! WE GOT A CRAZY ONE HERE!”
“Or a yoga practicioner. It’s so hard to tell these days.”
“Dude, can you please tell us what you are doing, and if it’s possible for us to get in on that stuff.”
“You no understand, I do this for glory of Zio.”
“You’re acting like a spoiled child for Zio? Man, that dude’s got weird tastes.”
“Um… Chaz, I think you made the guy upset.”
“…and?”
“Nothing. I just thought I’d mention it, in case you missed out on why he’s acting like an even bigger spaz now.”
“Are you OK, sir? You’re not suffering from epilepsy, I hope?”
“Rika, I’m not sure the sufferers of epilepsy will appreciate the comparison to some kind of hyper-religious zealot with a stick up his rectum.”
“That’s true. I am sorry.”
“Cruel! So cruel! Oh, Zio, are you watching in secret? How you would love these children — they shine with your malice.”
“Now that’s how to blaspheme the memory of a hero’s quote.”
“Anyway, let’s drop by this… ‘church’.”
“This should be good.”
“I think it’s more that he’s gathering all the excess here and just flushing you in one go.”
“Besides, wasn’t he going to just destroy everything? You DO pay attention to what your great big leader is telling you, right?”
“Well, at least they’re not begging for donations.”
“Yeah, that would be the icing on an already pathetic cake.”
*donations, huh….*
“She’s the goddess of love and music, the patron saint of the hippie culture… and she needs money. How is this temple not cancelling itself out of existence right now?”
“Just don’t ask them where they put the coin slot on that statue, or Ronfar’ll end up spending every single silver coin we have.”
*naaaaah….*
“Yes, you tell those people… while standing in this place doing nothing all day, you titanic hypocrite.”
“Yeah! What have YOU done for me lately?”
“Aaaand I think we’re getting to the bottom of the mystery about the popularity of this sect.”
“It’s the ‘studying is stupid’ clause, huh?”
“Incidentally, didn’t they just say that nobody who entered that cave we went through came back alive? So… how did this complete doofus make it here in one piece?”
“Oh, great. That’s gonna keep me awake for months. Thanks a lot.”
“Um…. oops?”
“OK, this is just getting depressing. Even these old people here are all in with Mr. ‘I Am Going To Crush Everyone And Build A New World On Their Corpses’. What happened with the phrase ‘With age comes wisdom’?”
“Oh. For a second there, I thought he was going to start spazzing out like the guy outside.”
“You think we should call medical aid or something? Or maybe shove some food down his throat?”
“Maybe. Doesn’t look like any of these dimbulbs in here are going to do anything.”
“You afraid?”
“Nah, I don’t want to catch the stupid that’s going the rounds in this place.”
“And there you have it. These people just used the word ‘hope’ in describing a plan that includes genocide.”
“Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
“Why? Does it say so in the big rule book of Zio?”
“Apparently, someone got this place confused with his little Lego accomplishment yesterday.”
“Eesh, but that was a huge waste of time.”
“Yeah. Let’s hope there are no Zio zealots around this bend.”
“Or I shall dub them Ziolots, members of the Zionthologist movement.”
“Nah, if they were Zionthologists, then that ‘begging for money’ thing would’ve been included in the whole part and parcel.”
“Oh. Right. Well, screw that, then.”
“Hee hee.”
“Yeah, right. ‘By us’, he says, as if any of these jokers have done anything outside of flapping their lips.”
“Or limbs, as is the case with at least one of them.”
“Either way, they’re still a huge waste of energy.”
“No argument there.”
“ASDADASDASDASDASDASD?!”
“Lasrslashr. It’sh an aweshome weapon of deschtruction.”
“Yeah, that’s nice. Just… wipe the slobber off your mouth.”
“Oopsch.”
“Well, at least we ARE bringing women.”
“And besides, what are you going to do about it, huh? Just stand around and talk ‘tough’? Yeah, that’s really freaking impressive, sport.”
“I know. You reek of ‘big loser’ in a radius a mile wide.”
“I do so love a ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ fight. They’re so… macho.”
“Um… thanks, but no thanks.”
“I don’t even want to know what he means by ‘good time’, seeing as they’re so hard up for a woman. Um… figuratively, I mean.”
“He’s throwing his lot in with a guy who wants to kill almost everyone and then build a new society with his interpretation of ‘the elite’, and he’s wondering if he’s ‘doing the right thing’? Am I hearing this right?”
“I’m sure he weighed the pros and cons… and then ignored the cons as hard as he could.”
“Of which there were many, I’m sure.”
“And that sound you hear is Chaz’s mind breaking down.”
“I don’t blame him. After meeting Mr. ‘Good Time’ downstairs, this arrangement suddenly makes a whole lot of sense.”
“I bet he occupies the room next to this one too.”
“Which is where he shows people a… well, you know.”
“Noooo! Don’t wanna hear. Don’t wanna know.”
“Oh, thank God we’re outside again. I wonder if this is Zio’s party place.”
“Should be. And man, isn’t that quite the monument of manhood he’s built for himself.”
“Must be some kind of evil villain thing.”
*about that…*
“OOOOOH YEAH! Now that’s what I’m talking about. I would like to take this ole rolling fortress and shove it up Vane’s…”
“WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Thanks, but could you please not put horrible mental images in my head? I may be evil, but even I have my limits.”
*let’s… let’s forget we ever saw that*
“Why, I do believe we’re about to get speard.”
“You could have spared us that pun.”
“Hmmm. Come to think of it, asking a guy with a spear to ‘spare me, please’? That’s gotta be some kind of famous and ironic last words.”
“Either way….”
“Zio’s got a fort. It’s so cute.”
“It even had a ‘no girls allowed’ sign outside.”
“Oh noes. I guess me and Rika should wait outside, then. We don’t want to offend our host, after all.”
“What do you mean ‘invisible’? It’s right there? Big, yellow rays of light. Can’t really miss it.”
“Well, I guess we need to go around this place until we find something.”
“Man, Zio really rolled out the red carpet for us too.”
“I don’t think that’s necessarily for us.”
“Apparently, they’re tech users.”
“Does that mean they walk around requesting the aid of tech guys?”
“They’re the kind of people who call tech support to justify their job title.”
“That doesn’t sound like a fun job at all.”
“Man, this place is huge. And Zio’s forcing his followers to live in a dingy, little church?”
“Apparently, the only thing they do is stand around and worship him there too.”
“He’s like the Kim Jong-Il of Motavia.”
“I bet he’s a huge fan of Disney and Hollywood too.”
“…….”
“Naaaah.”
“Neat. A cellar that’s not really a cellar. I wonder what the point of this room is.”
“Who cares? What’s REALLY gonna keep you up at night is this: is the room circular or octangular?”
“Eh… don’t know, don’t care. I’d say the mystery of the tunnel-crossing wimp is much more puzzling.”
“Holy… those are some nasty-looking enemies. This is not going to be much fun.”
“Yeah. Look at the arm of the one on the right. This must be closer to the sort of thing the people of old were fighting.”
*and we know all about that, don’t we?*
“Alright, so what are we fighting this time?”
“It’s a giant, and I do believe he’s being rude.”
“And ineffective.”
*the horrors…*
“Well, we shouldn’t dwell too much on it. We’ve got a complex to get through, and it’s finally getting kind of complicated.”
“Another weird cellar thing. Only this time we actually got something out of walking down here.”
“We’re not only here to kill Zio. We’re also robbing him blind. I love it.”
“Well, it’s not like he’ll be needing that meseta where he’s going.”
“True. True.”
“What the… is that a hole? What kind of a boneheaded…”
“We’re going to have to drop down that hole, aren’t we?”
“For completionists’ sake, yes.”
“Damn it! There better be something really valuable down there.”
“A moon dew. That’s… nice.”
“Sounds like the world’s unhealthiest sports drink.”
“I think we must’ve exited through the fire escape or something.”
“Oh well, I guess we gotta crash through the front door again, then.”
“Just make sure you’re not walking into the visible invisible walls.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Not much have changed since we last entered.”
“Which was, like… ten minutes ago.”
“There’s a couple more empty chests, though.”
“Yes, there is that.”
“And going upstairs instead of falling down leaves us… with nothing.”
“Zio… he’s such a tease.”
“Judging by his sexually frustrated minions, I’d say so, yes.”
“Another… thing down here. This place has legs.”
“It’s the lair of a spider. Or rather, it’s shaped like one.”
“Either that, or the fleshy lumpy things we found in the college basement.”
“Eww. No!”
“D’OH! Of course there had to be a few dead ends too. Can’t make a home without having a hallway that leads absolutely nowhere.”
“I’d totally make that corner in the back there my own secret base, though. I’d fortify it with couch pillows and read comics illuminated by flashlight.”
“I’ve never done anything like that. It sounds…. cozy.”
“I am impressed — and a little bit horrified — that you can hold a conversation about something cozy in a place like this. Pretty soon now, we’ll be attacked by those monsters who had a giant scythe blade for an arm and a flame thrower for the other, and when that happens, the last thing in my mind will be stuff like that.”
“Oh, for… ANOTHER hole like this. And we’re jumping down, aren’t we?”
“Of course we are. Come, come, say it with me now…”
“‘For completionists’ sake…'”
“…yes, yes. Fine, but not yet.”
“Ah! The other spider leg. Of course.”
“Well, gotta have our Dimate, right?”
“Chaz, don’t draw this out more than you need to.”
“Chaz!”
“What?! It is.”
“Yes, but that’s not the point. The pit awaits. Let’s not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“That’s what she said.”
“Well… this is it. Are we sure we need whatever’s down here?”
“You sure were eager when we went over to pick up that DIMATE. What’s the problem this time?”
“Ah, but after that dimate, we could just go straight up again. With this, there’ll be the ol’ front entrance. Again.”
“There! We got a… goddamn it, it’s a BARRIER! Who uses those anyway?”
“Um… I could.”
“Shut up! You’re using two daggers, and that’s final!”
“Yessir! Around the castle we go again.”
“OK, this is… it kind of looked like just some circular room at first, but there’s a tunnel here.”
“Well, then. Go on, my good furball. We have things to do here in this place that doesn’t really involve falling down holes.”
“Whoa, this is… like…”
“Like what?”
“I dunno, man, but it feels familiar somehow.”
“OK, so who wants a claw made of laser?”
“Last I checked, I was the only one who uses claws.”
“Yeah, I know. Just jostlin’ with ya.”
“Well, then, hand it over and I’ll put it to good use.”
“Once again, the red carpet. And there be a man clad in black. He’s no Zio, though.”
“Indeed I am not.”
“BUT WHAT IS A MAN?! A MISERABLE PILE OF SECRETS!”
“I… what?”
“That was what you were going to say, wasn’t it?”
“No, it wasn’t!”
“Well, he’s a man of few words. I think I like that.”
“And how few? That’s what we’re about to find out.”
“Will you just shut up and fight?!”
“What? No ‘eliminat’?”
“Nah, I doubt it’d work on encounters like this. That would be too convenient.”
“Yeah, makes sense.”
“NO, IT DOESN’T!”
“Once again, from the SANERitation department….”
“Ah, yes, thank you for healing… my head?”
“Don’t worry. I’m leaving the manly scars.”
“I have scars?”
“And we won.”
“That was anticlimactic.”
“Well, he was a minion. What can you do?”
“I guess we can start with going up those stairs.”
“Stairs? Does the top floor have a top floor?”
“Indeed.”
“I guess it was dethroned or something.”
“What’s up with this red carpet, then. It just leads straight into the wall.”
“Maybe it’s some kind of symbol of the end of the world or something.”
“I think that’s giving these idiots too much credit.”
“Well, now. Looks like we’re getting to the bottom of this.”
“If by ‘the bottom’ you really mean ‘the top’.”
“Figure of speech, Chaz.”
“A delightfully ironic figure of speech, though; you have to admit.”
“What the… another set of stairs?”
“Then we didn’t really get to the bottom of this yet after all.”
“Top.”
“Bottom. Top. It’s all in the mind.”
“Whatever. Can we go up now?”
*gasp* “It’s…..”
After finally conquering the castle, Chaz, Alys and the gang found the answers they were looking for. And with that, the realisation….
“That is a surefire sign that someone is into the whole bondage thing. This is some kinky stuff.”
“Um…. Chaz, I don’t think that’s it.”
“What do you mean? It’s a girl, and she’s hung up by chains or ropes or whatever the hell that is. Sounds like some pretty obvious bondage to me.”
“She’s a robot, Chaz. They can’t feel pain like we do.”
“And? Who said these people were going to be intelligent about any of this? Don’t you remember the zealots we met in Kadary? That flailing idiot in front of their church didn’t strike me as a particularly obvious candidate of the ‘sharp knives’ club.”
“Guys? Help? Please?”