Chapter 6: Well, if I can’t backtrack, I’ll sidetrack instead.
“You can say what you want, but this town still looks deliciously green. Heck, you even got a well full of water here, so I don’t really see what your frigging problem is.”
“Um… we should probably head a little further in here, Chaz.”
“What? Why?”
“…oh.”
“Wow, I have to say this city is pretty half-and-half.”
“Tell me about it. Half of it looks like a vacation paradise, while the other half looks like a bombed-out wasteland. I don’t get it.”
“That’s nothing new.”
“Well, pardon me if I find this very precise destruction peculiar.”
“Uh….”
“Alys, is there something you haven’t told us?”
“What are you insinu-… oh, you BETTER NOT mean what I think you mean.”
“I plead the fifth.”
“You’re going to be pleading soon, yes.”
“Well, this conversation turned very brown very soon.”
“I think I learned something new today, and I’m not sure I like it.”
“Yep, that sure is a big hole.”
“And that sure is a big machine inside that big hole.”
“Gryz, don’t you start with me again.”
“What? I’m just constituting a fact here.”
“So…. anyway, do we dare enter the… um, lion’s den here?”
“Sure, why not? Anything to stop wherever this conversation is going.”
“But before that…”
“…we’re going back to Aiedo?”
“Yes. We should probably check the weapons market before tackling a new area. You never know.”
“Chaz, why is the place called Aiedo? Did someone have a brain fart during elementary school or something? Did you work yourselves from Aeiouy to… well, this?”
“No, I think it came from the time we watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Something about a castle.”
“I… think I like the vowel movement the best.”
“Sounded more like a bowel movement to me.”
“EVERYTHING sounds like a bowel movement to you.”
“You think you’re just so incredibly funny, don’t you?”
“I guess spending all your waking moments guarding a gate can be pretty boring.”
“It’s still an amazing evolution, though; going from gate guard to punmaster flex.”
“But do they sell toilets here? What about Ex-Lax? Water slides? Aqueducts?”
“Oh, great. Now I have to… go.”
“Number one or number two?”
“WHAT DO YOU THINK?!”
“Oh, look who’s talking.”
“Huh?”
“Hahn, that ‘geek’ could twist your arms all ways to Sunday without breaking a sweat, and twin-wielding won’t save you here.”
“Could not!”
“Hahn, this isn’t a ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ situation. This is the hunter capital on this planet, so I’d estimate that 80% of the population here could do that. And about 30% of the people here are children.”
“OK, now you’re just hurting my feelings.”
“Eh, don’t sweat it, Hahn. At least you’d beat them in math class.”
“Hee hee.”
“Jerks!”
“I have no idea anymore. Forced to? How in the hell does that fit together?”
“When I was with Seed, I was taught a great many things, but I sure wasn’t prepared for all the idiocy I’d face in the outside world.”
“OK, let’s see. Two Saber Claws 1700 apiece. One GRPT crown for 1000 and one ceramic mail for 3700, all for Rika. Total sums up at… 8100 Meseta. Looks like we need to go out for some more grind looting.”
“Good, because you ain’t getting any more money out of me.”
“Don’t worry. We don’t want to ruin your elaborate and glamorous wedding plans or something by purchasing stuff that costs far more than we ever charged you.”
“Didn’t you tell me you were going to drop it?”
“As long as you didn’t bring it up yourself, yes. That was the agreement.”
“Oh, fine!”
“Wait, are you suggesting we take it easy? Again?”
“Yes. So?”
“I think you’re becoming addicted.”
“I’m not… what the hell are you talking about?”
“So it’s ‘we’ now?”
“Yes, ‘we’. You forced me to do my share, and you know it. Not that I’m ungrateful, mind you, but you prodded my ass to do my share from the moment I set my foot in here. So you better believe I want my share of the credit here.”
“I should hope so. I mean, otherwise, someone else’d be messing around in my room, and I wouldn’t like that.”
“Oh… right…. didn’t think about that.”
“Oh, you’re learning too? By books, though; that’s lovably retro.”
“I… uh, what?”
“Hooray for the internet generation, I guess. Sure put us in our place.”
“And Seed went and blew himself up. Now I’m never going to know the pleasures of surfing Gelbooru. Or goatse.”
“All in the name of improving your swings.”
“She wanted me to become a real swinger.”
“…..”
“What?!”
“Eugh! Thanks for sharing.”
“What? I ain’t sharing my underwear. Buy your own.”
“No, that’s not what I… oh, never mind. Can we please leave?”
“Well, that’s a… uh, flattering nickname.”
“Don’t remind me. Let’s just say there’s a reason why I’m sticking to slicers now.”
“Oh, I wasn’t referring to whether you used actual swords.”
“Huh? But why did you… oh, you… I should… please tell me why I shouldn’t give you an impromptu shave right now.”
“Because I’m just so lovably huggable and furry?”
“Not for long, no.”
“What do you mean ‘pass on’. We’re standing right in front of you.”
“I told you we should have zigged instead of zagging.”
“I think we should have released every Zig.”
“And I’m surprised it took this long until the Zero Wing jokes arrived. I expected them to arrive much earlier, seeing as the internet taught you about life.”
“Too late. We’ve thought about it many times.”
“Who knows? Maybe we’ll end up actually doing something as well.”
“Like go somewhere and talk more about Zio.”
“Or even fantasize about nailing his ass up the wall.”
“Oh, I’ve done that plenty of times already.”
“They sure are.”
“Like academy basements being overrun with fleshy lumps.”
“Or weddings being put on the line for the sake of expensive escorts.”
“HEEEY! You promised you wouldn’t instigate anything on this topic.”
“Oops. My bad.”
“Well, OK… as long as you wipe that snarky grin off your face.”
“Why, you’re making this upcoming challenge sound really dangerous. I’m sure we’ll all have huge problems getting through and therefor won’t ever continue on in our journey and later become strong enough to make this cave of yours a complete joke. Naah, that’ll never happen.”
“Well, then, ole role model of mine; I better start rolling up my sleeves if I want to catch up with that.”
“That you do. I have processed many, MANY cases. You don’t have a hope of ever matching that. Probably.”
“That’s great. I love the positive spin you put on the term ‘we provide you with jobs’. You’ll be a great and not at all evil Public Relation executive.”
“Is he asking for help or bragging?”
“Oh yeah, baby. My sand worm is getting pret-ty big, if you know what I mean. Wanna give him a nice lair to hide in?”
“I can almost hear the girl he’s trying to impress: ‘Oh, go stick it in the sand, farmboy’.”
“Well, as long as he’s not expecting any extra service.”
“I don’t think I want to know the details.”
“When you become one… two… three times a maaa-aaan….”
“The scene is in the back, oh, Spoony one.”
“Well, let’s go there, then, because I want to hear the full version of this.”
“But… but… I thought nobody who entered that cave ever returned? Doesn’t the fact that these people go in and come out kind of negate this?”
“Were they clad in nothing but white underwear and black bowler hats too? I’m sure they just came here for the ol’ ultraviolence.”
“I do so love this guy. He does nothing but stand here and come on to every single woman who passes by… once.”
“Why once?”
“Well, you are basically the second woman to ever set foot in here. And if we’re to keep up patterns, now is when you jam one of your claws up his ass.”
“Can do.”
“Whaaat. I’m just trying to have some fun with this guy.”
“Yeah, but seriously… you’re taking this too far.”
“Look. Now he’s trying to fondle her butt.”
“….OK, Rika, you know what to do.”
“What’s ‘the usual’?”
“A Locusta claw and a pint of beer.”
“Mmmm, desert food.”
“Oooh, the stage. Get up there and sing the rest of the song, Chaz.”
“You might want to take a look onstage and then reconsider that order.”
“Huh? Why?!”
“…oh.”
“The show just started, didn’t it?”
“We should take that as our cue to leave.”
“What? You don’t like gazing at the ladies?”
“Actually, it’s the music. It’s atrocious.”
“You should be dancin’, AAAAOOH!”
“The hell is the guy in the front of the scene doing? Situps?”
“Looks like he has to go real bad, but if he does, he’ll miss the very naked finale.”
“Ah, the eternal dilemma.”
“What the hell are they doing now?”
“They are shaking their butts for the audience.”
“Is that a no-tail thing? You Parmanians don’t have tails, so you have to shake your butt instead to show you’re happy?”
“Well… yeah, that’s marginally close to the truth.”
“Well, this sure is hypnotic.”
“THERE ARE FIVE BUTTS!”
“Yyyyeah, time to go.”
“Closer? She’d have to step on your face to… to… uh, yeah, we should go.”
“Um… I didn’t mean backstage.”
“I just thought I’d have a look at what you furless look like when naked.”
“I’d almost call that a good, scientific reason.”
“That’s JUST what I’ve always wanted; to be a source of inspiration for showgirls.”
“You’re ready to really go out there and shake it, huh?”
“Shake it, Rylee. Shake it like the wind.”
“You just made a description meant for a butt and put the word ‘wind’ in there?”
“Well, yes, I di-.. oooh, I see. Niiiice.”
“Yes, that is how things work.”
“Mostly because the inadequate ones are dead.”
“Or they go to the academy to become professors.”
“Heeeey!”
“Don’t touch what? Oh, it’s a club. Is this your weapon closet? It’s a very short weapon, isn’t it? Not much range on that one, is there?”
“Um….”
“Oh, it’s more than long enough, I believe.”
“Uh… Gryz, don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“And now we’re raiding the Guild coffers.”
“Let’s just call it an advance payment.”
“Um… no, we never said that.”
“But now that you mention it….”
“Well, forget everything I just said, then.”
“Nonono. You are on to something here. Now tell us about all the best jobs.”
“Oh, fine. You remember those girls you met on the way here?”
“ALRIGHT, I THINK I CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING! AND SPEAKING OF GOING….”
“Nnnno, the fact that you tried to rob the orphanage is what got you in here. The fact that you walked straight into me while trying to escape is all the work of karma. Blame your own ineptitude.”
“I’m not sure ‘paying respects’ includes ‘scowling and snorting’, but maybe that’s just me.”
“Also, the gravestone reads ‘he had it coming’.”
“Well, as long as… wait, is that a toilet?”
“We… should go.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
“This is where hunters go when they fail.”
“Aw, crap. You just had to talk about your retirement, didn’t you? You know what that means, right?”
“Um… no?!”
“Well, as long as you don’t start talking about finally getting to spend time with the… well, husband and kids.”
“I don’t HAVE a husband. As for kids… well, take a look at Chaz here.”
“YOU… YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!”
“Naw, I’m just the one who spanks you when you’re bad.”
“Hmmm, yeah, this sure won’t turn into a guild quest in the future or anything.”
“They’re going to make a stupid decision, aren’t they?”
“They already HAVE.”
“Well, I mean even MORE stupid.”
“Yeah, there we go.”
“Anyway, time to check out that… thing in the… uh… giant hole.”
“We’re the Colonoscopy Spelunkers, aren’t we?”
“Well, that just sounds marvelously homoerotic, Chaz. Thanks.”
“It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it.”
“Gwah! Who learned all this? Is this what they call a straight flush?”
“Straight slash, maybe?”
“That sounds kind of contradictory, though, doesn’t it?”
“So…. why can’t we just.. you know, step over this?”
“Gotta have our artificial barriers somehow.”
“Well, these guys look refreshingly boring.”
“Refreshingly boring, you say?”
“Well… yeah. Not that we’ve fought anything truly outrageous or anything, but after all the worms, bugs and… fleshy lumps of recent, these regular, ol’ armed dudes are quite OK.”
“Hmmm….”
“Something up, Rika?”
“Ah, it’s probably nothing, but… from what I learned from our history, there wasn’t really much in the way of information of earlier dangers, which makes me wonder what kind of horrors our forefathers faced when they had to protect their world from danger.”
“Must have been some pretty horrible stuff, huh?”
*Indeed, what kind of horrors would one expect?
“What the hell is that, and how is it ever going to be able to hurt us?”
“Um….”
“Beats me. So far, we’ve been attacked by chickens, moles and… well, Møøses. If I weren’t laughing so much….”
*ahem, yes… horrors. Anyway…*
“Well, best not dwell too much on it, I guess.”
“Yeah, it’s probably better for the sanity that way.”
“And speaking of ‘that way’… we can’t go there.”
“Oh… damn those easily jumpable rifts in the floor where it won’t even matter much if we fall into them because there are no visible power arcs running through them.”
“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m AT MY RIMIT HERE!”
“That’s no fail! I was the one who clushed it with my bale feet.”
“Alys, I do believe you are right.”
“Aren’t I ever? So cute.”
“Hmmm. Two doorways. This is the first time we’ve been presented with an actual choice so far.”
“Well, at least it’s in the same room we entered through.”
“I reckon the dungeons will become complicated soon enough, so enjoy it while you can, boys.”
“Eh, just some money and a shield. And nobody here uses shields.”
“I can.”
“YOU, sir, are going to continue to dual-wield. We want our damage output not to suck here.”
“But… but… the damage I take.”
“Well, that’s why we put you in the back, see? That way, you won’t have to take damage so often, and you’ll still be able to do front row damage… for some reason.”
“I do wonder if we’ll ever get to the bottom of this place.”
“Beats me. It’s not like we’ve encountered any stairs yet.”
“And we probably won’t. This thing fell from space, so I’m assuming it’ll be flat as a pancake. Even though the hallways here are mostly intact, which makes absolutely no goddamn sense.”
“I HAVE BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF RANDOM LASER DISPENSERS!”
“You know, it’s odd… we learn that a certain skill has been ‘mastered’, but… we don’t get to USE the skill until we master it. But doesn’t mastery come from using said skills until we can claim mastery?”
“Nah, that only counts when it comes to your swings.”
“There you go, picking on me again.”
“Of course. After all, I’m master of DEEEAAAAATH!”
“Hah! More suspended platforms with no railings. It’s like they’re daring natural selection to do their job.”
“You can say what you want, Gryz, but you’re still going first.”
“Maaaaan…”
“Hey, lookit. It’s a Ceramic Knife. This one’s for you, Hahn.”
“But… but I already have two.”
“Put it in your mouth, then. That way, you can triple-wield.”
“How does that… why would I want to do that?”
“Extra damage, my man.”
“You expect me to slam my face into enemies? METAL enemies, even?”
“Well, we’re fighting metal beings with swords, axes and slicers. How is what you do making any less sense?”
“You can say what you want, but I am NOT putting that thing in my mouth.”
“R-2! NOOOOOOOO!”
“They have been ELIMINAT-ed.”
“All this playing with words would make Saya cry. CRY, I say.”
“Ah, a Ceramic Mail. We all got ours, so… you want this, Hahn?”
“No. My lab coat is just fine, thank you.”
“Your loss.”
“OK, so there are elevators here. At least it’s not all flat.”
“The music, though… I… I don’t EVER want to hear AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ on… on… PAN FLUTE ever again!”
“Be brave, Rika. Be… oh God, why?!”
“I feel like I have just been violated in the worst of ways.”
“From this point forth, this abomination shall forever be known as… ELEVATOR MUSIC!”
“NOOOOOAAAAAARGH!”
“We are SO using HINAS to leave this place.”
“Christ, this place… this… this place is driving me insane.”
“Well, at least this gateway is not another elevator.”
“Yeah! I’d hate to get into the next one, only to discover a rendition of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by two aging diva has-beens.”
“…..” *burp*
“AAAARGHNOOOOOOOO!”
*BLEURK*
“That’s nice, Chaz. Right on the floor too.”
“And I’m blaming you for that.”
“Well, now… looks like we’ve come to the end of this particular road… finally.”
“Hey, yeah. It’s paydirt time.”
“Yes, Chaz. And there were lights flashing everywhere up to this point too, not to mention in the place where we met Rika.”
“Huh? It’s just a computer terminal. Nothing to get all that impressed over.”
“No, I meant… you’re just one year old, and you’re already bossing Chaz around. I guess he’s gonna have to hand over those pants in the near future.”
“Why would I want to wear his pants? They probably aren’t even my size?”
“You failed metaphor class, didn’t you?”
“Alright, that’s enough from you, Chuckles. You’ve obviously never been a hunter before.”
“I have… but in a more literal sense. Crate technology can only do so much when it comes to storing food, you know.”
“This conversation… it’s like elevator music to my ears.”
“…..”
“Ow!”
“So, how much memory does it have?”
“Huh? I dunno.”
“And how do you know it’s the main computer?”
“I’ve been taught extensively about computers, you know.”
“Is this the only computer terminal in the facility? Are they all connected to the same network?”
“How the hell should I know. Shut up and listen to what the screen tells you.”
“Well, whaddya know. It’s their first fight.”
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: cute.”
“What the… that is SOME space ship.”
“No kidding. That defies everything we were taught in college.”
“I can scarcely imagine the kind of power it’d take to run that thing. What kind of fuel did they use?”
“Are those land domes? How large are they? Look, there’s even MOUNTAINS inside. And whole oceans.”
“Man, this makes no bloody sense. It’s almost like they retconned this thing in to make some kind of saga make sense or something.”
“Did THIS thing crash into Motavia? And only one city got destroyed, partially at that?”
“Do we dare dive in for more information?”
“Oh, really? SOME people? How overcrowded was that planet, for them to be able to dig large chunks out of it and place them in giant domes?”
“I have no idea. We only met robots in here, remember?”
“Wait, they were only in orbit? And we didn’t even notice until now? How come they didn’t even try to contact us?”
“Who’s to say they didn’t try?”
“In other words, stop with the questions already. You ask more than ten wise men can answer.”
“MORE ships like that? Man, the planet of Parma wasn’t destroyed. It got separated into many tiny chunks and placed in giant spaceship versions of Noah’s Ark.”
“Parma’s Ark, huh? I keep getting these mental images of a man named Orakio running around Parma like a ferret on crack, picking up various animals and forcibly tossing them inside the domes.”
“They should totally make a game about that.”
“Well, that doesn’t concern us. If they want to make their own elitist club with dungeons and random encounters, let them.”
“At any rate, I don’t think we’ll be getting anything else out of this place.”
The past uncovered… to a certain extent… the party return to their task at hand; finding some way of getting to Nurvus. But before that…
“Thank God, we’re finally out of here.”
“And thank YOU, HINAS spell, for saving us from unspeakable horror once more.”
“You know, if we could’ve gotten a recording of those… things… and then made a small player of sorts we could shoot into Zio’s ears, that’d be an effective way of taking care of him.”
“Jeez, Gryz. I know you want revenge and all, but that’s just inhuman.”
“…yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Besides, to do that, we’d have to go back in there and listen to it some more.”
“Eugh! Well, never mind that, then. I guess we’re just going to have to do it the old-fashioned way; applied violence.”