Chapter 5: Putting bio-engineering to good use.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of birth, I will fear no evil….”
“This is like the most messed-up game of ‘where’s Vally’ ever.”
“Where the hell do you people get your connections?”
“Religious texts?”
“Children’s books?”
“Yeah, that’s… just…. never mind. Let’s just plunge ahead before you start talking about rods and staves and other phallic objects.”
“Yes, indeed… we must penetrate deeper into this cave to uncover its secrets.”
“You’re dirty, and you’re making me feel dirty too. You and your double entendres.”
“Soooo… did we just enter some kind of messed-up version of math class?”
“Today: multiplication. Alright, children; what is four times two pulsating heads?”
“AAAAARGH!”
“That is correct. You get a gold star on your ouchies.”
“Oh, that’s right. We’ve already plundered this place.”
“I guess there’s no insta-skipping this place.”
“They’re… they’re dead.”
“Ah, no, they’re just…. resting.”
“This isn’t a goddamned parrot. They are lying on the ground, and they are NOT pining for the floor.”
“Guys, this is an ex-joke!! Let it rest.”
“You’re no fun at all.”
“Well, imagine that. They’re not dead.”
“And Professor Holt has ‘gone into the depths’…. if you know what I mean dur hur hur.”
“Aaaand we’re back at doing dirty jokes. I hope this place has a shower, because I need one right now.”
“A cold one?”
“Whatever helps me get cleansed.”
“Well, I guess we should just enter this random door built straight into the cave walls. Who cares if that doesn’t make any sense.”
“…um, or this. Man, is this ever a scenery change.”
“And we’re walking on the left side? I sure hope we won’t be meeting any traffic in here.”
“RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!”
“Um… Hahn, aren’t you supposed to be the scientist here?”
“Dammit, Chaz. I’m a scholar, not a scientist.”
“Big difference.”
“It IS a big difference.”
“About it being nothing, I mean. Yeesh, I was just a little startled. No need to get all bent out of shape putting us down.”
“YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY FEELINGS!”
“Oh, OK… wait, what?”
“See? It wasn’t anything dang-.. wait, ‘sterilization’?! OH GOD THEY STOLE MY FUTURE BABIES! THOSE SCHEMING MACHINES TRYING TO ERADICATE THE HUMAN RACE! DAMN YOU ALL!”
“Uh… that’s not quite what they meant about ‘sterilization’. It’s just a medical procedure.”
“You… you men of science. You are all made of evil and Satan.”
“And fleshy, lumpy pieces of… something, let’s not forget.”
“Nah, those were pushovers. Also, you MADE them. You weren’t made OF them.”
“Ah, of course.”
“Yeesh, just look at these freaking walls. That’s so high-tech, man.”
“Tell me about it. It’s in rather stark contrast to the surface world.”
“Not to mention your cellars.”
“Well, sorry that our box technology lags a little bit behind. We can’t all have computers running our daily lives.”
“And speaking of technology; say hello to lankybot and flying bit.”
“Sensor bit.”
“Whatever.”
“What is ‘paral’ and how do you cure it anyway?”
“I have to admire the medical industry of this world and how it abbreviates stuff. They basically dogpile stuff until it loses all meaning.”
“Damn you, character limit. You do this world more harm than good.”
“Speaking of which; who is this ‘MOONSHAD’, and who learned it?”
“That’s mine, boyo, and don’t you ever forget it.”
“Hey, no problem. I’d never want to have an attack that sounds like I pulled it out of the moon’s ass. I’d much rather have slow swings.”
“Aw, poopie. You’re no fun at all.”
“OH NO, I NEED TO MAKE A DECISION! WHATEVER SHALL I DO?! I’M A MALE, AND ALL GUYS ARE INDECISIVE AND STUFF, RIGHT?!”
“Now who’s pulling stuff out of his ass?”
“Yeah, I kid. Let’s just… take the right path first. Since neither of us have been here before, we might as well just take the route of elimination.”
“Hey, these chests have been pre-robbed already.”
“Great going. I’m sure THAT won’t ever be taken the wrong way or anything.”
“I… what? You… well, if I do, it’ll all be your fault.”
“……”
“Oh? But who are they giving the doubtful stare now, hmmm?”
“Gnaaaargh!”
“Well, now, this is… uh, something.”
“What the hell does ‘grpt’ mean anyway?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“It sounds kind of obscene, doesn’t it?”
“The kings of robbing chests have spoken.”
“OH, SHUT UP! I… I have no idea what you’re saying anymore.”
“Hey, it’s our new best friend, Chtulu.”
“It kind of looks like he’s been crossbred with Barney, what with the new purple color and all.”
“He’s here to end the universe with love.”
“Oh, prohibited, huh? Well, I’d like to know how they’ll stop me.”
“And would this be enough to stop you, Mr. ‘I’d like to see them try’?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Oh well, nothing to do but go back and choose the other path.”
“Curse you, huge pile of rocks.”
“You’re never going to let me hear the end of it, are you?”
“Oh, look. It’s Barney. And friends.”
“It’s the Colorswap Nova and Falgue family. They often go hand in hand. Well, so to speak.”
“Well, yes, that would be the place we just went to.”
“WEST SIDE!”
“What the… hell are you doing?”
“I’m representin’, foo’.”
“Of course you are.”
“OK, now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Yes, indeedy. We’re getting all the way to the Central Block.”
“Or is that ‘Gentral Block’? It’s so hard to tell with that lettering. Maybe it’s a section filled with nothing but polite, old men.”
“YOU, SIR, ARE COMEDIC GENIUS!”
“Naaaah.”
“Look. There are more incubation tanks here.”
“No wonder your college basement looks like a horror lab for insane scientists. They’re like little toys for people to press buttons on until something goes wrong and the whole world has to suffer for it.”
“Ow. Now that was a real low blow.”
“Yeah, totally under the belt.”
“I’m wondering about the glass floor, though. Who the hell thought THAT was a good idea?”
“Must be some kind of fashion statement.”
“Oh well, at least there’s something right underneath here. I wonder what it would’ve felt like if there wasn’t.”
*what indeed…*
“OH THANK GOD A WALL! FINALLY SOMETHING TO LEAN ON!”
“PLEASE DEAR GOD JUST MOVE ASIDE! I WANT SOME WALLS TOO!”
“My stabilisator gyros are fine for the most part, but this must be hell for the humans.”
“A glass floor with no railings whatsoever over a certain-death drop. Who the hell thought THAT was a good idea?”
“Must’ve been a cyborg. We don’t let ourselves be worried by things like that.”
“You… you just enjoy seeing us suffer, don’t you?”
“I won’t deny that.”
*ahem, yes….*
“Wait, there’s more to this place? Well, I never.”
“I guess it’ll take more than a pile of rocks this time, huh, Rambo?”
“Oh, we’ll see the end of this place yet. And then I’m going to shoot it with an explosive arrow.”
“Wait, what? Gryz? Don’t you DARE die on me here.”
“I’m.. I’m sorry, Chaz. I couldn’t…”
“And all because you were too cheap with your healing techniques.”
“Oh, sure, blame us. It’s not like we were packing monomates or anything. Oh, wait, we totally were.”
*sigh* “Oh well, at least we had a super-duper convenient ‘get out of dungeon free’ spell. I’m sure a good night’s rest will take care of that DYING status.”
“Of course it will. That’s just common sense, dude.”
“You’re… making fun of ME this time, aren’t you?”
“Nonono. You’re just imagining things.”
“Your devious grins tell me otherwise.”
“OK, we reached this point again, right?”
“Affirmative.”
“And neither of us are DYING at this point, right?”
“Again, affirmative.”
“You still got all your limbs in the right places, Gryz?”
“OH, SHUT UP!”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”
“GAH! NO RAILING! Who the hell thought THAT was a good idea?”
“….dunno.”
“It all feels like it was part of a plan, though. As if this path was created solely for people without balancing issues.”
“And what kind of people would that be?”
“….dunno.”
“Now there’s an answer that took science to get to.”
“Oooh, nice. This… ‘crmc’ sword kicks more ass than my… uh, titn sword. And sounds less dirty.”
“I love how it’s a two-hander, though. That really says it all.”
“Wouldn’t that count as ‘dual wielding’, though?”
“I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“Yes, one of us has now learned how to adjust the volume.”
“It will surely be helpful in tuning some people out.”
“Ind-.. heeey, are you insinuating something?”
“Nonono.”
“Man, this place is all deep and stuff.”
“OK, let’s just pass around that corner, and we should be nearing the end.”
“At least this place hasn’t been all that complicated.”
“…yet.”
“Sssh, now. Don’t you be jinxing us and stuff.”
“D’OH!”
“Told you so.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s just do like we did and go right.”
“What the… so it wouldn’t have mattered which way we chose? Now that’s just cruel.”
“But there’s Professor Holt, so we must have reached the end.”
“Well, that’s good, because I want an explanation, and it better be a long one, since he couldn’t just tell us when we were up there.”
*snerk*
“Uh…. don’t mind those two philistines. They seem to have forgotten who’s financing their little vacation.”
“Yeah, it couldn’t possibly have been the loot we got from all the monster-slaying we’ve done.”
“The equipment you’re using right now cost more than the money you’ve paid us.”
“I guess putting up with you should count as some kind of back payment too. Because that sure cost me, listening to you two.”
“Anyway, who are we… um, I mean Hahn…”
“Hee hee.”
“Who do you need rescuing from? The shadowy figure standing behind you?”
“Not at all. Company like hers is the last thing I want to be ‘saved’ from.”
“Yowza!”
“Um…. OK, now that’s quite something.”
“That’s a nice pair of… ears you have.”
“Er… thanks, I guess.”
“You even look around my age. How old are you anyway?”
“Oh, I just turned one. A few days ago.”
“Ah, I see.”
“….”
“Wait, what?”
“What?”
“Oh, don’t mind him. I guess I’ve been looking after him and training him so long, I completely forgot about letting him meet girls.”
“I so have met girls before this. Just not so… pointy. Or wearing what pretty much looks like a swimsuit with a breast plate.”
“Speaking of which….”
“I think I can see where this is going.”
“You are one of those bio-engineered beings, aren’t you?”
“Yes, indeed.”
“You don’t seem to concerned — or even offended — by me stating this.”
“Well… no. Why would I be?”
“I dunno. For some reason, the thought of someone taking something like this really bad and wanting to ram an asteroid into the planet came to me. But I guess we can’t all be over-emotional mama’s boys, can we?”
“Uh… I guess not.”
“OK, guys, enough already. You’re just weirding her out now.”
“I must admit I find this conversation fascinating.”
“Well, yes, but we had to zap the mainframe, boot the sub-drives and flip the flop on my microphone.”
“You’re… just pulling my leg now, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“I don’t know about you guys, but I like this girl.”
“Really? I don’t see it moving at all.”
“Well, metaphorically speaking. I don’t really speak in metaphors all that often, though.”
“It’s becoming a forgotten language, isn’t it?”
“I must admit it’s quite something to see a relationship this weird blossom out of the blue. It’s incredibly heartwarming.”
“Um….”
“Did this conversation just…”
“Baptize a child as ‘Seed’? Now that’s just cruel.”
“I don’t think you guys are getting it.”
“Maybe it’s better that way.”
“Oh, well… better follow me. It’s time to get educated.”
“And why did you take us to all these monitor screens? Don’t… don’t tell me you use these solely to surf for porn.”
“Wh-what? Why would you… do I even want to know what ‘porn’ is?”
“Um… probably not.”
*AHEM*
“So, this planet will be destroyed if we use LESS technology? That doesn’t make any sense. I mean… what did the planet do BEFORE we put all these computers on it? Explode on a daily basis?”
“Nope, but there were no residents in here, due to a new concept called DEEP HUUUUURTING! Or, to be more specific; a subclause to DEEP HUUUURTING, namely SAAAAAANDSTOOOOORM!”
“Um… what in the world are you talking about?”
“Actually, I’m just kidding. Me and Rika just downloaded a show streaming across the galaxy. Something about a human being shot up in space and forced to watch bad movies. I think I’ll make that my next project.”
“OH WOW WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME! WE REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW!”
“Never one to miss a beat, are you?”
“Pardon?”
“Oh, nothing. But seriously, you need to go out more often.”
“Well, since I’ve never actually been outside, I do believe you’re right.”
“Seriously? Wow. Well, then, let’s go out and get ourselves some wastelands.”
“You don’t say? And how would you know that?”
“Well, we tried accessing Nurvus, only to get the message ‘HAXXORED BY ZIO! WE ROOL, U DROOL!’ I did an IP trace, and that lead us to Zio’s gateway on the Zionist proxy router system on the Ding Dong You’re Dead servers. It’s probably a cover-up job.”
“I… think I can see where Rika got her sense of humor.”
“Now you’re talking.”
“Well, whatever. It’s not like I have anything better to do, so I’ll just tag along with you guys.”
“Oooh, I know this personality type. Weird, though; I thought it was a female only thing.”
“It was, until the equality act in 1987, which stated that females can be heroes too, as long as they wear pink.”
“I’m NOT wearing pink!”
“Oh, don’t worry. The rules have become much more loose since then.”
“What do you mean ‘basic education’? She sounds much smarter than Hahn, who is a scholar.”
“Heeey.”
“Well, she does.”
“At any rate, we’ll be more than happy to take her along. We could always use another helping hand for battles.”
“What? You’re not going to fleece her dry?”
“We only do that to people who can’t take care of themselves. I have the feeling Rika here is more than able in that area, though.”
“That’s… that’s just cold.”
“Well, we’re off. Now, don’t surf too much porn while we’re gone. And stop watching all these reality shows. That stuff rots your central processors.”
“Yes, mom!”
“…..”
“…..”
“Hee hee.”
“As one of the few remaining sensible AI systems, it’s my duty to do this. YAAAAAARGH!”
“Aaah, fresh air at last.”
“Oh, is that it? The outside world is smaller than I thought.”
“What? No, that’s just walls. See? There’s a gate.”
“Um… I was just being facetious.”
*snicker*
“I… I knew that.”
“This gravel… it must be what you people walk on. And this… this must be dog poopie. How novel is that? And the smell…”
“….well, that conversation took a turn for the odd.”
“Wow, total mood whiplash.”
“I suppose a line about this being like happy festival fireworks would be in really poor taste, right?”
“Yes, very.”
“What was the will of Seed anyway?”
“I… don’t know the full story, but from what little we could reconstruct from an incident that happened long ago, Seed wanted me to carry on where a sister of mine could not. Maybe this ‘life’ of ours is about finding out. And now that I’ve had the theoretical part, it’s time for me to get some actual experience.”
“Both figuratively and literally.”
“And fourth wall-breakingly.”
“Well, there’s no time like the present, and you are in sore need of some levels. So, let’s hit the desert stretches and stab some worms.”
“She’s got nearly 40 HP already, though. I can see good things happening in your future, young lady.”
“Oh, I carry two claws too.”
*mumble* “Oh, sure. I dual-wield too, but you don’t see them care about that…” *mumble*
“Looks like somebody mastered something already.”
“Double-slash? Sounds kind of… homoerotic.”
“I think we saw something like that too, when surfing the UWW.”
“UWW?”
“Yes, the Universal Wide Web.”
“Man, that sounds like a tall order.”
“Well, let’s just keep things in a proper literal order, then. ‘Slash’ shall therefor mean only what you do with bladed weapons.”
“Ah, the bridge we crossed on our way to the college, where all this started. Makes me wonder why we didn’t just head back to Aiedo to pick up some better gear before going anywhere else.”
“Oh, sure. I mean, it’s not like that bridge would be broken through any kind of artificial means to prevent us from going there before our allotted time or anything.”
“And we… holy Jesus, that’s quite the fight we have on our hands right off the bat.”
“Do we even carry bats?”
“Hell if I know. Just use what you got, and we’ll worry about that later.”
“Well, here’s one town… and there’s also something far up there, into the distance. Shall we take a rest before checking out that big ol’ blast up there?”
“Sounds good to me.”
And so, with their newest member in tow, our heroes reaffirm their purpose. For some, that journey has just started, but perspective will soon rear its ugly head. Who will then remain and pick up the pieces?
“Not inhab-.. what the hell are you talking about? This town is a green town. You got houses, you got nice gravel roads and you even got your lawns.”
“Oh, no, they didn’t… they walked on your lawns, didn’t they? Damn kids.”
“What is the world coming to these days? No lawns remain untrodden upon, and soon, the bottom falls out of the housing market. And what will become of us then?”
“I don’t know about you, Hahn, but I find this just adorable.”
“They are indeed made for each other.”
“Hmph! My wife-to-be is far cuter.”