Chapter 4: The solution to coming out of your shell is found at the bottom of a bottle.
“But I DO have business with you, you crazy old coot.”
“If it ain’t about the measurements, it ain’t business worth talking about.”
“OK, fine. Jeez, it’s your funeral, pal. I just wanted to know where the…”
“…Alshline… oh, fine. Nice knowing you.”
“Alys, don’t punch his teeth out… yet. We need him to tell us where the Alshline is.”
“No promises, because I’m going to punch him for each inch of bust I have.”
“OK, now you’re just bragging.”
“Alys’s way of ‘putting up’ seems to involve a lot of fists to the face.”
“It’s just for good measure.”
“Oh, ha ha. You’re just aching for a slug in the face, aren’t you?”
“If you’re talking about the ones we fought in the passage…..”
“What? No, I… ewww.”
“I guess the moral is ‘if you need to know something, punch people until they answer’.”
“I hope you’re enjoying this, kids.”
“Hey, who died and made YOU the boss?”
“What? I’m the one who’s paying for this little trip. The least you can do is let me go ‘Let’s go’ from time to time.”
“Well, you sure don’t look like your regular, garden-variety Ewok, so… sure thing. We’ll be glad to have you along.”
“E…what?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.”
“Hey, I just said that.”
“I said DON’T… GET… ANY… SILLY… THOUGHTS…”
“Yeah, I HEARD. I just wanted to know where you got the idea that we’d go straight for Zio’s throat.”
“Because that’s what hotheads like you do.”
“Well, I think it’s a little early for that now. Maybe later, when we’ve…”
“You’re… not even listening to me, are you?”
“Nope.”
“Um… OK. We could actually have come visiting you guys when we dropped by Molcum list time, but your elitist guards didn’t even want to let us in.”
“Chaz, this… this isn’t the time. Or the place.”
“Yep, because revenge makes the world go around, kids.”
“There’s always a time and place for revenge.”
“Gryz, what’s up with all the crates? Are you expecting Gordon Freeman to drop by?”
“Well, we were hoping for that, but all we really got was his partially retarded brother John instead. And he HAD WEPON! Things kind of deteriorated after that, and that’s why the crates are all over the place.”
“Wow! Uh… OK, forget I asked.”
“Consider yourselves lucky that you weren’t in Molcum, though, because the pants were all over the place.”
“OH MY WE HAVE A MEDICINE TO GO GET DON’T WE?!”
“WE SURE DO!”
“Ignoring the craaateeeees.”
“OK, that’s all well and good, but… did I really need to hold you by the hip?”
“Yes, of course. I needed help to pull the door open. What are you insinuating?”
“There’s… not any more of these lids further down, right?”
“I don’t think so. Unfortunately.”
“What?!”
“Uh… fortunately. Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“And here we are. Look out for the crawlies.”
“Gryz, we’ve been in a cellar with oversized flesh chunk ticks. ‘Crawlies’ are the least of my worries right now.”
“Um… or these, whatever the hell they are.”
“Those are Toadstools.”
“Really? So… where’s Mario?”
“He’s away smoking his pipe.”
“Oh great. Now there’s an Abe Frog too.”
“Four scores and seven licks ago….”
“Speaking of which…”
“I think he likes you.”
“I think I hate him.”
“I don’t think this will end well.”
“EEUUURGH!”
“Looks like Mr. Toadstool’s been out partying all night.”
“Oh man, that’s going to stick to his fur so badly. I hope you’re not allergic, Gryz.”
“AS IF THAT’S A SAVING GRACE!”
“Oh great. One of those again. Have we even used any of them yet?”
“No, not really.”
“And here we have 100 monies.”
“Chaz, we were told that the bottle of Alshline is in the cellar, and we haven’t actually gone down a single step yet!”
“Yeesh, OK, dude. Hold on to your horses.”
“Gryz, the above shelter was a TENT, right?”
“Yes. And?”
“Aren’t tents generally thought of as temporary shelters? That in mind, why does a TENT have a CELLAR?!”
“Well, we gotta store our crates somewhere…”
“That… didn’t address my point.”
“Chaz, did anyone ever tell you that you’re being unCRATEful.”
“I…what?!”
“You’re all about the instant CRATEification, aren’t you?”
“Stop that!”
“Chaz, we have no time to waste. We have to get down to that cellar with CRATE haste.”
“So stop being an inCRATE and step up the pace.”
“OK, fine. Just… stop with the puns.”
“Yeah, that was just what we were missing; the blobs. Well, slugs.”
“Oh no, there’s ONE MORE of them now. We are doomed.”
“Hardly. These ain’t exactly the power rangers here.”
“Or the Planeteers.”
“Um… wouldn’t them BEING Planeteers work for us? You know, for being all useless and stuff?”
“Oh. Right.”
“Yeesh, this isn’t just a cellar. This is an underground fortress. With a tent on top.”
“What’s that, Chaz? Would you like me and Gryz to work more crate-related puns into our dialogue?”
“No, please. I was just sayin’. Jeez!”
“Nope. This isn’t completely ridiculous at all. I mean, here, three floors down, we have a thick stone door. What’s next?”
“D’oh! Well, that’s just great. I don’t suppose anyone here brought the key.”
“Chaz, this is a seal, not a damn keyhole. We won’t be getting through this door.”
“Well, what the hell are we supposed to do now?”
“Why, we go around it, of course.”
“DUURH OF COURSE! BOY IS MY FACE RED AND FULL OF EGG! HERP DERP DERP I AM A MORON! A NINCOMPOOP! A TWIT! A…”
“Man, am I glad Rune’s not with us on this one. He’d never let Chaz live it down.”
“Esca-… this isn’t Alshline. If we walked all this way….”
“Chaz, there’s one more chest. Open it, and THEN you may bitch if it doesn’t have what we want.”
“This is a very… crimson liquid. Are you sure vampirism is the only cure for stoner forms?”
“STONE forms. And yes. Wait, I mean… what the hell are you talking about?”
“Besides, that liquid’s a little too pink to look like blood, right?”
“You’ve obviously never fought sandworms before.”
“Well, no, but… seriously?”
“Well, let’s just say that there’s a reason me and Alys fight with bladed weapons, because using maces, or — much worse; explosives — leaves a rather icky mess.”
“Which part of ‘let’s hurry’ did you fail to understand?”
“Well, even though it’s quite obvious we’re going to have to deal with the guy eventually, but… you know… no guarantees, hey?”
“I’d still like to take my chances, though. Let’s just say I like the odds.”
“That’s not the kind of odds I would put any money on, though.”
“Methinks Hahn is getting impatient. He’d probably break down the door if he could.”
“GO NOW! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!”
“Abe One and Abe Two, ready to make some new scores.”
“Or get in a few more licks before nightfall.”
“We’ve mastered what?”
“Hell if I know. I’m not sure if I like the notion of a technique that sounds like somebody throwing up.”
“Hmm. This sounds like something for you, Alys.”
“Oh really? And what would you be insinuating, you dirty little boy?”
“It’s a crown, which totally sounds like something only women would wear. Why? Did you think I meant something else?”
“Yes!”
“Well, don’t worry, I’m not. Besides, I already know your measurements, remember?”
“STOP SAYING THAT!”
“Golly gee, Mr. Chaz, that’s nice, but do we really have to catalogue every single useless item we find down here?”
“Nah, but it adds to the spelunkin’ fun.”
“I am NOT a spelunker.”
“Oh, bugger!”
“We are in for SUCH a licking.”
“I think I would rather have had the snaps in the air.”
“And we are lost. In a cellar. Underneath a tent. That’s almost too sad for words.”
“I have a sneaky suspicion you’re enjoying this more than you let on.”
“Nonono.”
“Zan, it’s like zen, only not as thought-provoking.”
“For when you just need a quick blast to the head.”
“Mohahahaha. All your riches are belong to me.”
“So, Gryz, what’s your thought on Chaz robbing you guys blind?”
“As long as I get my revenge, I don’t care.”
“You’re going to take revenge on me for stealing?”
“No, I meant Zio. I want revenge over him.”
“He stole your leftover money too?”
“…are you doing this on purpose? No, he destroyed our cities. Stop with this nonsense already.”
“FINALLY outside. Now, come on. Let’s get a move on. We need to go to Zema immediately.”
“Of course, but first….”
“He sure is. In fact, that’s kind of why I didn’t mind you taking all that money. It was his ‘Alys’s measurements’ savings.”
“WHAT?!”
“Wow, dirty money. Well, I guess you could have them. You’ve… well, earned them.”
“How?! Eugh, keep that money far away from me. I don’t even want to THINK about what kind of people came here just to ask that. Ewwww.”
“At any rate, let’s try out this ‘Ryuka’ technique. Who knows, it might be hella useful.”
“Yes, let’s waste more time. We should really go now. Zema’s awaiting.”
“Oh, it brought up a list of towns. And look, Zema is there too.”
“Wait, what? Oh wow, try selecting it, then.”
“OK, selected….”
“And… it’s a teleport spell. Wow, that’s really convenient. I wonder what people did before they discovered THAT particular technique.”
What indeed….
“If I have to go past this *bleep* town one more *bleeping* time, I’m going to *bleeping* kill EVERYONE and just *bleeping* sit here and wait for the *bleeping* end. *bleep* this *bleep*! *bleepity bleep bleep bleeping bleep*”
“I… think we should stop here for the night.”
“I don’t think that’s going to do much good.”
“Sari, remind me again why you took the stones we needed to get to a spaceship just next door to where we were and HID AWAY AT THE OTHER END OF THE FREAKING WORLD!”
“Good things are worth working for.”
“Yeah, why don’t you tell Ayn that.”
“Hhhharrrghlblrrrgh!”
“Um… I think I’ll pass.”
“Oh great, he’s foaming at the mouth again.”
Ah, those were the days. Anyway, back to THIS world….
“At any rate, yes, we DO know this is Zema. Thanks for telling, though.”
“In a little while, we might even be able to have people TELL US so.”
“Well, I was wondering how we’d get them to DRINK this medicine, but the solution was simply to pour it on their shoulders, and the stone just cracked away like the chocolate on my ice cream.”
“You really ARE a kid, ain’t ya, Chaz.”
“Oh, quiet, you. We live in a desert world. Gotta cool down somehow.”
“Hey, kids! We’re saving a town here. Could you please save the quarrelling for later?”
“I have? Well, that’s not important…”
“It IS important. It means there’s a guy out there with the powers to get us to walk all over the place just to find some weird, crate-filled town full of paranoid dogs…”
*cough*
“…uh, I mean… yeah all over the place. Even inside a tent.”
“With a FOUR FLOOR CELLAR!”
“Yes, Chaz. We heard you the first fifty times you said it. Why did we have to get so off tangent here?”
“It’s YOUR FAULT!”
“What?! No, it’s not!”
“Well… see you later, then, messenger boy.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that before.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah. ‘Let’s take it easy today’. That just… made me tingle all over. Go on, say it again.”
“Maybe when you stop being a weirdo.”
“Oh, listen to Mr. ‘I heard you the first fifty times’.”
“Oh, shut up. Someone needs to let the principal know.”
“Oh, sure. He’ll just call for us again. And then you’ll just rent us to follow you around again too.”
“It’s a hilarious circle.”
“It’s located in ‘Ahhhhh’? Is that a room in the castle of Aaaargh too, perchance?”
“Yes, and it’s right by the lake of AIIEEEEE.”
“Right past the WHOOOOAAAA mountain range.”
“OK, I’m sorry I joked about that. Can we get back to being serious now?”
“OK, fine.”
“Whoa! Mood whiplash.”
“Gnargh! Not this again!”
“Oh? ‘This again’, you say?”
“Yeah, it was something we met in another cellar. It’s… kind of useless. Never attacks. Just brings out these fleshy lumps to do all the work.”
“Well, let’s have a bit of fun, then.”
“No, we can wait until that guy dies. YES, I MEAN NOW!”
“It’s an….”
“Igglanova! Yes, we know.”
“I didn’t.”
“And in a short while, it’s not going to matter.”
“Well, then… let me just whip out my BROSE!”
“You gonna whip out your bros? Ewww.”
“You do that and I’m going to sue you for flashing your furry wiener in public.”
“It’s just a spell that does nothing.”
“OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…”
“ARGH! No, I meant…”
“Oh… thank God you cast SANER on us, Alys, because I was about to die laughing.”
“It was just as much out of self-preservation. Now, don’t you bring out your bro again, Gryz, or my slicers are going to see a different kind of use.”
“You’re the one who started this. You made that bed, so now you go lie down in it.”
“Well, if I’m going to lie in my bed, I’ll do so broless.”
“But never braless.”
“How did you… oh, so THAT’S why you were so tired some mornings.”
“Guys, we are in the middle of a fight.”
“Eh, no worries. It hasn’t summoned anything yet.”
“Wow! I’m getting a vision.”
“Then put an ad in the confidentials, Miss Cleo.”
“Man, the ‘Miss Cleo’ jokes never want to die, do they?”
“OH NO, IT SUMMONED SOMETHING UTTERLY HARMLESS! WE’RE DOOMED!”
“GRYZ, YOUR AXE IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE US NOW. …AND MY SLICERS! AND CHAZ SWORD! HELL, EVEN HAHN’S LAME SWINGS SHOULD RECTIFY THIS SITUATION!”
“Heeeey.”
“THANK GOD WE GAVE HIM TWO DAGGERS INSTEAD OF JUST ONE!”
“OK, now you’re just hatin’.”
“Is that Crosscut or GROSScut? I can’t tell.”
“That depends on whether the intestines fall out or not.”
“Your soul has been SAVED! HALLELUJA!”
“Man, you guys are such comedians. Your live shows must be packed full and messy.”
“But the catering is cheap, though.”
“But one cannot eat and throw up at the same time. Our throats are one-way streets. Sure, they work both ways, but not at the same time.”
“Man, you guys are really putting your college stipend to good use, aren’t you?”
“OK, OK, enough of that. We were in a fight, weren’t we?”
“We ARE in a fight.”
“Eh, just give us a second, and it’s going to be ‘were’.”
“I met him on a Monday ‘n cast a spell on dat, da DORAN don don da DORAN dan.”
“It hit it in the scrotum and his agility went crap da DORAN don don da DORAN dan.”
“That doesn’t even rhyme.”
“Well, neither does these technique names, so that makes us even.”
“YOUR WINNER!”
*sigh* “At least I studied.”
“IT’S A VICTOLY!”
“It’s good to know that all those years of training haven’t gone to waste, since I’ve improved over the last couple of days from ‘slow’ to ‘a little better’.”
“Practice makes perfect. Or at least ‘a little better’. Just don’t ask how you were when I met you and started training you. You cried yourself to sleep often enough when you came off the streets, I don’t want you to start that again.”
“Ahaha, no, of course not.”
“Waaait for it…..”
New crisis looming, Hahn was faced with another dilemma and the realisation that yet again, a price had to be paid.
“Your wed-… what kind of a cheap bastard are you? Your fiancee is a beloved school teacher and you are a professor at the academy, and 1000 Meseta is what you have on layaway for your wedding? WE ARE GOING TO BUY ARMOR that will make 1000 meseta look like pocket change. We are going to find stuff in treasure chests — hell, we are going to find MONEY in treasure chests — that’s going to literally outshine your paltry wedding fund.”
“Well, I WOULD’ve had more, but someone keeps demanding fees for following me around.”
“Oh, sorry. So your wedding fund was 1800 Meseta. Well, that changes everything. You went for the doves too, didn’t you? Man, you are going all out.”
“I’m paying, OK? Can we drop this subject now?”