Chapter 24: The Profound Point… of my Sword.
“Well, that’s pretty good timing on your part. You didn’t have to go through the tedium of fighting anything else once you got settled in at your computer terminal, but oh, you DO have the time to join us in this final, glorious confrontation against ultimate evil, huh?”
“Insinuating something, dear boy?”
“Nah. But you did indeed win that vote session — most likely for the ‘small and cute’ argument, so…”
“Um…”
“Are you two doing this on purpose?”
“What?!”
“Oh, I dunno. Am I ready to ‘take her’? And the way she calls me ‘master’….”
“You watch too much harem anime, boy.”
“Yes, obviously.”
“OK, so someone mentioned a whole lot of crap going down in Mile, right? Well, let’s go there and have a look.”
“Yes, he wanted to… raise his big worm OH GOD I’M SORRY! THAT ONE WAS SO BAD!”
“Yes, it was.”
“Rika, why are you air-quoting it?”
“It sounded like a trademark. I didn’t want to be sued.”
“Hah. Yeah, that’d be the defeat of the ages; being sued by the Profound Darkness. I guess that’s one way for it to destroy us all.”
“Eesh, well this is getting depressing. Let’s leave this place. We’ve got a big, ole crater to find.”
“Um… or a… does this look like a, well… you know…”
“I guess we’ll always know where to go when someone else refers to a place as ‘the ass end of this planet’.”
“I wonder if there are any other worlds out there who have places that can create such… obvious mental images of bodily functions or parts.”
*speaking of which…*
“So, let’s see if I’ve got this straight. We got plain nipples refilling our health and cows udders refilling our magic points. Do I even want to know what’s refilling our stamina bars?”
“Alex, dear… we don’t HAVE stamina bars.”
“And thank the gods for that.”
*ewww. Anyway…*
“LIVIN’ ON THE EDGE….”
“The edge sure is a trippy place.”
“The Profound Darkness sure is fond of fractals.”
“The blinking path sure is helpful, though.”
“It’s like an upgraded version of those glowing stripes on the floors in the machine complexes.”
“Except it’s squares. Why squares?”
“They’re just being square with us.”
“……”
“What?!”
“Feh! We’ve seen these guys before, haven’t we?”
“Yes, even those… combined scythe-wielding spine guys.”
“The right half… well, its left half, I should say… is shaving his leg.”
“Either that, or he’s dreaming of becoming a castrato.”
“Oh, Wren, you… why did you have to go and say something like that?”
“This place is so colorful.”
“It’s all primary colors and stuff.”
“WHOA TWO SHADES OF GREEN!”
“CRAZYTOWN, HERE WE COME!”
*sigh* “MORE enemies we’ve already seen. Could we at least get ONE regular enemy in here that’s not a color swap?”
“Well… I guess that counts.”
“That face looks awfully familiar, though. And its name is… what?”
“As named by Sigmund.”
“And its a pro too.”
“This place is giving me a headache.”
“That was probably the idea.”
“We should probably be close to our destination by now, though.”
“Now this looks promising.”
“Well, it’s black.”
“And it’s sporting tentacles by the hundreds. Yep, promising.”
“Well, that sounds awfully convenient.”
“Yep. It’s just a really evil dark force of evil, so we can wail on it as much as we want without feeling guilty about it.”
“But where to begin stabbing. It’s just a roiling dark collection of tentacles.”
“Um… Chaz, we’re already there. And by there, I mean here.”
“Oh. Right. I knew that.”
“You guys ready to do this?”
“Demi, we’re doing this together.”
“I didn’t mean that literally. Just.. you know, in a manner of speaking. Doing my part and all that.”
“Oh. Right. I..”
“..knew that?”
“Yes, yes.”
“Oh, get back on the ground, Mr. Drama King. Who are you trying to impress?”
“Everyone’s a critic.”
“Can this thing even hear what we’re saying? And more importantly, do we have the time to hold long pre-fight conversations?”
“Well, it can definitely hear us, because it’s attacking.”
“And how?”
“Yeesh, now there’s a thing straight out of anyone’s nightmares.”
“HOOAARGHLBLRGH!”
“Having problems talking there, buddy?”
“Christ, that guy is all mouths and fangs.”
“Does he have a stomach for each mouth, though? We should definitely capture and desiccate it after we’ve defeated him. It’s for the good of SCIENCE!”
“That’s… an unsettling gleam in your eye there, Wren.”
“And it does not bode well for the darkness.”
“That’s right, Chaz. Hit him straight in the gob.”
“Well, one of them.”
“I don’t even know where to start placing the shots.”
“I don’t even want to know what kind of attacks it does.”
“Well, we’re about to find out anyway.”
“And it’s… lasers? All these mouths and fangs, and it fires lasers? What kind of profound darkness are you anyway?”
“Blargh!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. BEGONE!”
“Uh oh. Here comes… what the!”
“And the theme of round two is… spikes.”
“At least it’s got only one mouth now.”
“And I can use this one to tell you to shut the hell up.”
“Wowza. It talks.”
“So do you guys. All the goddamn time. How am I supposed to be able to cover all of the universe in darkness if you guys keep blabbering my ears off.”
“You have ears?”
“THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT!”
“And speaking of the point…”
“KILL IT! KILL IT WITH PLASMA!”
“Damn you! Well, I got another transformation. No way are you going to be able to beat that oneAAAARGH!”
“And the theme of the next level will be….”
“….uh, boobs, I think.”
“Wait, wait, wait. So… the profound darkness… is a woman?”
“That’s right. You got a problem with that?”
“Not really. I DO have a problem with your Super Sayiajin hair, though.”
“My what?”
“So, how big was that fish you caught again?”
“I do believe I’ve let you entertain yourselves quite enough. I think it’s time you got a taste of my terrible powers.”
“Uh oh. She’s gonna give us SUCH a shoulder massage.”
“Shield up. Massage counter-measures initiated.”
“Counter this, fools.”
“Megid? That’s MY move. I’m SO going to sue… as soon as these burns recede. Ow.”
“You and what army?”
“Funny you should ask…”
“But first, some healing for the ouchies. Sorry, Wren and Demi, but it still doesn’t work on androids.”
“No worries. We got our own.”
“So, you’re still on your feet after my megid, huh? Well, I got more cards up my sleeve.”
“What are you looking at?”
“What are YOU looking at?”
“OK, I admit it. I was looking at your chest. But not for a perverted reason, I promise. I’m… still kind of caught off guard by you having them at all.”
“WILL YOU JUST DEAL WITH IT ALREADY!”
“Suddenly, the whole ‘every thousand years’ cycle thing makes sense too.”
“What do you mean by-.. oh, you are SO dead.”
“Well, enough of this. Let me give you my own brand of shoulder massages. WITH EXPLOSIONS!”
“ROCKET PAAAANCH!”
“And thar she blows….. up.”
“NOOOOO! HOW CAN THIS BE?!”
“Why do they always say that?!”
“I DON’T KNOOOOOOOOOW!”
“Well, of course it’s gone! We killed it.”
“Look, if you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the goddamn question.”
“Rhetorical questions, Rune. Look it up.”
“Leave? Maybe? Just a thought.”
“OK, let me rephrase that question: HOW are we going to get out of here?”
“Use our feet, perhaps?”
“I don’t think we can run quite THAT fast.”
“From a dimensional collapse? That IS impressive.”
“And it did so by shattering.”
“I kind of regret selling my old sword now.”
“…AND A GOOD NIGHT!”
“Yikes! What?! Whatwhatwhat?”
“Yep. Completely finitos. Done! Bought and paid for. Concluded. Laid to rest.”
“OK, I get it.”
“Well… almost all of it, anyway.”
“Yeah. Poor Mile and its inhabitants.”
“Not to mention the new asshole the Profound Darkness literally tore this planet.”
“Cool story, Bro, but…”
“We’ll take this little toy ship here.”
“Ha ha perspective jokes. That’s cute.”
“But seriously, we have to go.”
“Ah, so he installed that plug-in after all.”
“What do you-.. oh ho, you cheeky, little boy. Maybe big sis should wash your mouth out with soap.”
“You haven’t had in a long time? Does that mean you won’t be having any in a long time, or did you break grammar and turn it into your bitch again?”
“Yes, I’m afraid my swing is a little too slow for that sort of thing.”
“Must… resist… making… sarcastic… quip.”
“Yes, indeed. I was thinking of inviting you all to my stand-up routine once we were done saving the world, but alas…”
“Oh God…. I… I can’t….”
“This is going to sound slightly rude, Demi, but… WHOA THANKS! And good bye. Yeesh, I’m actually sad to see YOU go, but… man, Raja very nearly laid me dead here.”
“I know, Chaz. I know.”
“Well… I would like for you to plug up that hole, if possible.”
“That’s what she said.”
“……”
“Raja, why.. don’t you go and find your seat. We’ll be along shortly.”
“Okeydokey.”
“……” *whew*
“Breathe, Chaz. Breathe.”
“Don’t worry about me. I feel more sorry for you guys, for having to endure that guy in the back seat all the way to Dezolis.”
“Well, I guess that’s as good an excuse as any for testing the new warp drive….”
“I mean.. I would like to.. uh, that is to say…”
“I get it, Chaz. Unfortunately…”
“And we sent Raja ahead too, so now it must be even more painful.”
“Eheh. Thanks for lifting the mood a little… I guess.”
“Oh, sure. I’ll make it a goal to reach the ripe age of at least 500.”
“Ah, that’s right. You human beings don’t live that long, do you? Well, that’s a bust, then.”
*sigh*
“Don’t worry, Rika-chan. I’ll bring that smile out in no time.”
“Raja, you’re… not helping.”
“What?”
“……”
“Chaz, I only said they were gone. No need to glare at me like that.”
“……”
“Dude, stop that. You’re creeping me out.”
“Yeeeeeeeeees?”
“I… want to… to go back to Motavia. And… and…”
“Well, well, isn’t this sweet. A regular tearjerker, it is.”
“Raja…”
“Yes?”
“YOU’RE NOT HELPING!”
“You weren’t even with us for more than a bit of it, though.”
“I COULD have been with you on that last confrontation, but noooo… not a single vote. That was just brutal on my self-esteem, you know.”
“Not my fault.”
“So says the guy who left the party as early as Gryz did.”
“Well, I COULD have gone with you to that final confrontation, but nooo… I was just one vote — ONE VOTE — away from little miss adorable.”
“Well, what can I say? She shot herself straight into the hearts of the voters.”
“Sounds like a real chore with little personal payoff.”
“I get lots of frequent flyer miles, though.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.”
“They… they’re tears of happiness, dammit! Because I’m sure not going to miss you calling me ‘shorty’ all the time.”
“Aw, Chaz…. tsundere to the end, huh?”
“It’s a job.”
“Well, work is important, but one should never refrain from turning towards pleasure. Like… say, an opportunity that is sneaking up on you as we speak.”
“What do you mean by…?”
“Rika!”
“Chaz!”
“How cute. I can see we got another one of those ‘MIYAKA/TAMAHOME’ moments coming up.”
“H-hey, we weren’t….”
“……”
“……”
“……”
“……”
“AAAARGH! SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!”
“Well… better than nothing, I guess.”
“CHAAAAZ!”
“MIYAKAAAAA!”
“…OK, Rune, joke’s getting old now.”
“I’m outta here before you two whip out your puppy love routine.”
“Does this have something to do with my ears?”
“What? No! What the hell are you talking about?”
“…even though you’ll apparently be on the same planet I live on. Man, WREN, who is going to outer space, is confident we’ll meet again, while Rune is all ‘FAREWELL FOREVER’ despite hopping around on this planet and its… what? Thirteen cities? Max?”
“I bet he’s going to hang out with Dorin again. I remember him talking about meeting up and sharing measurement data, whatever the hell that means.”
“Good grief. That old codger isn’t going to give up, is he.”
“Not until somebody slaps him straight into the grave, I bet.”
“And that’s why, if you position your arm at a thirty degree angle from the back, and swing your arms straight forward, you can maximize your swing speed by about 8%….”
“Pana, we’ve been hunting butterflies for sixteen hours straight. Let’s call it the day already.”
“NNNNO! See? There’s another one. Put it in the bag.”
“OK, OK. Yeesh, I bet I would have an easier time fighting the Profound Darkness compared to dealing with Little Miss Demanding Princess here.”
“By the way, did you hear the one about the Dezolian and the cursed hat?”
“YES! SEVERAL TIMES!”
“Well, how about…”
“YES! THAT ONE TOO!”
“But I didn’t tell you which-..”
“I’ve heard it. I guarantee it.”
“Man, this place is boring.”
“Yes, yes, I’ve heard that one too.”
“ULTIMATE BIG SISTER MODE AAAAACTIVAAAATE!”
“We’re about to dock with Zelan. Do you have everything you need, Demi? We’ll be spending many, many years here, you know.”
“Don’t worry. I brought the…. enhancement units we need.”
“I’ll… refrain from asking about the details.”
“I wonder if Dorin managed to get a hold of that delicious Tonoe beer. The place looked a little light on crates the last time we dropped by.”
“Well, here we are, dorky outfits and all.”
“Yeah. Not to complain — Aiedo is a wonderful town; lots of good weapon and utility stores — but… yeah, not much for fashion, this place.”
“Well, I bet if we dropped by the club, you could borrow one of those bunny outfits the dancers used. Ahaha, just kidding.”
“Way ahead of you, pal.”
“…uh, wait, what? Seriously? Man, I better sit up, or I’ll be liable to embarrass myself.”
Yes, a new age with black text on white backgrounds. A new age, where the planet continues to dry out, but hey, that’s OK. To survive and to live, that’s the way to go.
And so, we leave our band of heroes as they carve out their future paths by their own selves, free from the looming shadow of the surprisingly sexy ultimate darkness. And so, a new band of heroes will be remembered by the people and revered alongside the heroes of old.
“Where the hell is everyone. It’s been months since anyone came to my hill and planted some new flowers. Those damn infidels… do I have to hit them with a plague to make them remember who saved their ass from the darkness so long ago?”
“Well, I got a bottle of plague right here. If only I had thumbs.”
“Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but… answer me this, if you please…”
“Sure thing. What?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be… you know, alive and stuff? I mean.. wasn’t it you who gave Rika the Silver Tusk?”
“Uh… that’s because… LOOK OVER THERE!”