Chapter 23: A Conversation With Elsydeon.
“I don’t see how you could miss anything. All we’ve ever done is go somewhere to find an item we need for something right away, or go somewhere to kill something that needs to be killed right away.”
“Yeah, that’s what I don’t get. Isn’t there anything besides that?”
“Well, I guess you could always head over to Torinco and farm on their terraces. Or go to Mile and start a sandworm farm.”
“…no thanks.”
“…and then I found out that there are people out there who expects us to fight for really, REALLY stupid reasons.”
“Well… yes, I guess that really would make you lose hope in this world, huh?”
“Right?”
“But.. I made a statement. I didn’t ask a question.”
“Well, take it up with someone who cares. You are coming with me, and that’s the end of that.”
“Looks like they’re so caught up in their little argument that they don’t even notice us just standing here.”
“Rolling our eyes.”
“BUT BEFORE THAT….”
“This isn’t even a tower.”
“It’s still made of crystal, though.”
“Like everything else in this place.”
“THE TOWER OF… anger? How does that work? Do we come here to get angry? I can go to Torinco for that. Or do we come here to blow off some steam? In that case, I’ll drop by here for every time I’ve been to Torinco.”
“I don’t think it works quite like that, Chaz.”
“How rude!”
“I guess you have to be a member of the club or something.”
“The Anger Club? Do they schedule meetings so they can gather and punch each other in the face?”
“Well, if that’s how it’s going to be; screw you, guys! I’m going home.”
“You already told us that. And we’ve been here before.”
“Indeed. To be able to figure that out… you must be a genius.”
“I shall call you Miss Cleo from this point forth.”
“And the best way to make something happen is to… stand around doing nothing?”
“He didn’t say HE was the one who would make that something happen. Just that something would.”
“Of course. Well, who am I to stand in the way of such precognitive genius.”
“Um… guys, you’re creeping me out here. All I know is that Rune is going to take me to his ‘special room’ and give ‘something’ to me. No need to paint this any more disturbingly homoerotic than it already is.”
“Yeah. Next we know, Rune is totally picking his little flower back there.”
“Yea-..HEY! And ‘back there’, she says.”
“I’m… going to shut down for a while. Start me up again when you stop being stupid.”
“SHUTTING DOWN NOW! *BEEP*”
“OK, I was just kidding a second ago, but now you guys are really getting unnerving.”
“H-heey. You’re not supposed to… are you seriously going to….”
“Yes, the sacred sword Elsydeon. A more sacred stab is simply not possible without this sword. Its swing is holier than most, so don’t you dare make them slow.”
“Uh….”
“YES! MEET! Are you going to ask stupid questions to every single thing I say?”
“No, but I… you asked me to MEET a sword, not TAKE it or GET it. Is this some kind of compromise or something?”
“Something like that.”
“Man, doesn’t that sound all meta and stuff.”
“Yeah, right. ‘Talk to the sword, baby, because the hand ain’t listening’.”
“I was thinking ‘simple’ myself, though.”
“I guess I can never say that men are simple beings now, can I?”
“You were going to?”
“Well… no, not really.”
“Well, I’m in the S.Sword CV. Wait, CV? Do I have to provide a paper listing all my abilities with a sword? Damn, bureaucracy is everywhere these days.”
“Man, this place is lonely. And blue. And nobody for company except myself. No wonder hermits tend to be the crazy type.”
“Oh, my. More stairs? Yeah, that was really goddamn necessary. As if this place wasn’t hidden enough as it is. I have to walk a convoluted labyrinth here too. I mean… what am I going to be doing down here? Overlevelling?”
“Oh! Well, at least it wasn’t a particularly long route. Battles get so tedious when you have to fight them all on your own.”
“Oh great. That means I’m going crazy ALREADY. That’s just fantastic. Maybe I should just settle down in this cave and hold conversations with myself until I die of hunger. That’ll show ’em.”
“Will you just shut up for one second. Think you can do that?”
“No can do. Going crazy over here.”
“Haha oh wow. I knew Rune wanted me to ‘take’ something in ‘my hand’, but I didn’t expect that to be a sword.”
“……”
“OK, I could have worded that a little better. Anyway, would you just pick me up already?”
“Sure, sure.”
“WHOA! It’s… my stare.. that ray of light in the background…”
“….”
“I FEEL SO MIGHTY!”
“…kid, seriously…”
“I am not a kid. I AM A MAYUN!”
“Wait, that’s… haha, I remember that kitty-person. He was kind of a pervert. And he was all thumbs too.”
“Well, actually, he was no thumbs. That was kind of a problem for him.”
“Another pointy-eared girl? Well, I guess Seed mentioned something about Rika being the child of some kind of child to a whole lot of old science.”
“Yes, she was the child of…”
“…a whole lot of old perverts. Did she walk around in a swimsuit with an armor chestplate covering her boobs too?”
“No. No, she didn’t.”
“Oh.”
“She didn’t have that armor plate covering her breasts.”
“I… OK, never mind.”
“Well? Were you?”
“AAAAAAH!”
“…I guess not.”
“Alys is in here already?”
“She sure is. And she’s having all kinds of interesting conversations with the other heroes of Algo inside of this sword.”
“Wait, seriously? That sounds kind of silly. What are you talking about in there?”
“Well, uh….”
*what indeed*
“Ah, those were the days. But I tell you, it wasn’t easy being a woman and a hero back then. I mean,
*topics of rememberance, to be sure….*
“You didn’t tell me about the conversations you had, though.”
“Oh, nothing important. You’ll… well, you’ll see eventually.”
“Oh, come on. Can’t you at least let me have a little bit of spoiler about the conversations?”
“Don’t you have a solar system to save? Then stop lolligagging around here and get a move on. These planets aren’t going to save themselves, you know.”
“Hyeah, tell me about it.”
“Well… it gave me a sword. And some pretty intense hallucinations.”
“Eh, that happens to everyone.”
“Everyone, you say?”
“Well, at least according to Lutz’s memories. You’re the only one who got to touch our special treasure in this time era.”
“Why, thank you. I had almost forgotten how much this conversation veered off in an intentionally dirty direction before I entered your warm, inviting grotto.”
“You’re certainly not helping, though.”
“And I had just reactivated too. Now I need to head off to the shower for a good defrag and a fetal-position cry.”
“Just you and me. Whaddya say?”
“Uh… no thanks. I think I’d like to have Team Chaperone with me for this.”
“You’re no fun at all.”
“Because seriously, man. I will NOT fight for anyone who want us to kill some giant chicken… or rather lose to it to state some kind of moronic example. Neither will I be putting up with any more goddamned quests where we have to pick up souvenirs for bratty kids. That sounds like something to fight for.”
“I’m with you on that.”
“I’ve heard this kind of situation calls for something referred to as a ‘bro-fist’.”
“……”
“Uh….”
“That sounds like a swell idea.”
“Swelling, even.”
“There’s that innuendo again.”
“YE-..wait, ‘conquer’? Are we playing the Lashiec card now?”
“THEY SHALL FALL UNDER THE HEEL OF THE HEROIC ONES!”
“Uh… Rune, you’re kidding, right?”
“Yes.”
“So, who is this ‘Disaster’, and how dare he just… uh… erupt? Is there any chance we can get out of this one with our virginal no-innuendo self intact?”
“No can do, Chaz. We’re up to our armpits in it now.”
“It’s a sticky situation.”
“Aheheheh, I’m not sure I want to go now.”
“Preferably before we’re sidetracked by more of this innuendo-laden nonsense.”
“Hee hee. Sure, let’s do that.”
“OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…”
“What?! What did I say?”
“Why me?!”
“We sure are.”
“You and your bastardly magnificent timing too. Though I shudder to think what would’ve happened if you had been with us when I had to go get this sword.”
“Er…. OK? What would that be?”
*cough* “Uh… nothing particularly important.”
“Hmm. ‘Numbers’? ‘In bed’? Yeah, I think I can work something out of that.”
“DON’T YOU DARE START THIS AGAIN NOW!”
“Well, it appears you’ve had some fun. And you didn’t let me take part in it? Fie on you. All of you.”
“Er… for what?”
“For making this nonsense stop. Probably.”
“Well… sudden creepy gratitude notwithstanding, maybe it was a good thing we arrived at this point after all.”
“You know… these trips are getting kind of boring now. It’s just… choose your destination and off we go. Kind of mundane and stuff.”
“OK, OK! I’ll let you drive the next time. Jeez.”
“Don’t expect too much, though, Chaz. I mean… you’re merely sitting there, holding the ship controller steadily while staring at a slowly approaching planet. I’m not sure what kind of excitement you expect from that.”
“I don’t care. Anything is better than playing Go Fish for the millionth time again.”
“Must… not… say… anything… sarcastic…”
“Huh? Why?”
“Well, it’s just you… you college guys and strength. Not to sound rude or anything, but I’d much rather hear that sort of thing coming from Alys. Or Rika. Or Wren. Or.. you know, someone physically strong.”
“That IS rude.”
“Yeah, I know, but don’t get me wrong: if I need to know anything college-related, you’ll be on top of my list of people to ask.”
“Must… not… make… premature… ‘shooting’… jokes.”
“Helloooo opportunity.”
“NO WAIT OH GOD SOMEBODY STOP HER!”
“Rika is finally stabilized too.”
“Duct-taping her mouth was a little extreme, though.”
“Yeah, Chaz. It really hurt pulling that stuff off.”
“Sorry, Rika, but seriously… enough is enough.”
“Not that I can’t take a guess and assume it’s got ‘Dark Force’ written all over it.”
“Oh, right. Yeah, get a load of this…”
All friends gathered, our heroes prepare to head off for that final confrontation with the darkness. It is here the deciding battle of our time will take place, and Demi is about to shed some light on the situation. Choosing her words carefully, she proceeds to do so.
“A large hole in the planet, and everyone dying around it? No gas? THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR… INNUENDO WOMAN!”
“WAIT, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”