Chapter 20: The Last Big Bonus Mission Roundup.
“Uh….”
“That guy doesn’t keep on top of current events, does he?”
“Nnnnnoooope.”
“Excellent. I get to work my super-sleuthing skills.”
“It’s good that Wren’s excited, but this quest sounds like a complete bore.”
“We finally get to whip out the Hydrofoil Wren and Demi were so excited about, though. That’s cool, right?”
“Yes! With this, we could have bypassed a lot of the nonsense we had to go through earlier, but I promised not to think about that, didn’t I? LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!”
“Nice. This is MUCH better than what’s on the radio.”
“So… Rika, should I make an UZI joke or an U-DO joke?”
“Um… how about neither?!”
“Good idea.”
“Then it must be… THE WIFE!”
“Dammit, Chaz. I was going to do that.”
“Huh? What?”
“The deductions. The reasoning.”
“The word ‘huh’ gets a lot of mileage out of you, doesn’t it, Chaz?”
“Well, yeah. I’ve been hanging around with you guys a lot lately, so it was inevitable.”
“Haha, touché.”
“Well, this is going to be pretty easy. I do seem to remember two idio-.. uh, I mean two girls staying at Aiedo, and they had run out of money. I’m sure that’d end well.”
“A.. HAH!”
“GAH! Wait, what?!”
“With my amazing positronic brain, I deduce that they’ve been taken to jail.”
“Um… yes. That’s why we need to go back to Aied-..”
“EUREKA!”
“GAH! WHAT?!”
“With my amazing positronic brain, I deduce that we should head to Aiedo right away.”
“Um… yes. We do. Right now.”
“AHA!”
“Again? What now?!”
“With my amazing positronic brain, I deduce that you’re getting annoyed with me.”
“Wow, you ARE a genius.”
“So, you idiots chose to go into the city where the HUNTER’S GUILD is located to do a little carrying away in the illegal sense? Why did I choose this mission?”
“Because you’re such a generous guy?”
“Yeah, whatever. I wonder if the other girl has something a bit more sensible to say about this situation.”
“EUREKA!”
*sigh* “So, what did your amazing positronic brain deduce this time?”
“With my ama… uh, yeah. Anyway, I deduce that this girl wants her mommy.”
“You’re just being sarcastic now, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged, Watson.”
“Oh…. no!”
“What’s wrong?”
“Either we pay this bail and end up earning nothing, or we don’t, and leave these idiots behind bars, solving nothing and earning nothing. Either way, we are screwed.”
“Then you should do the right thing.”
“Yes, you’re right. What does one open quest mean in the long run anyway? These idiots can sit here for a while and think about what they did.”
“Um… no, I meant to pay their bail and complete it.”
“How is that a good thing? These idiots won’t learn anything by that.”
“Chaz: harsh, but… harsh.”
“If by that, you mean ‘a goddamned idiot’, then yes. I am indeed magnanimous.”
“And I want you two idiots out of my life as soon as possible.”
“Chaz: harsh, but… misanthropic?”
“You better, because I spent them all in advance because of your dumbass daughters.”
“Well, at least they’re sending the money the right way instead of… you know… the wrong way.”
“…..”
“I want to go now.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they have.”
“An UNLIMITED shopping spree? How does that work?”
“Not all that well, if a certain pair of dumbasses is any indication.”
“Oh! Well, then…. maybe they DID learn something from all this.”
“……”
“……”
“They’re not going to miss just ONE of the daughters, right?”
“Tempting, Chaz, but… no. Let’s not do that.”
“Literally.”
“Oh, noooo, nothing is amiss here. I didn’t just waste all that money and a whole load of time on two twits without the common sense to stop while they at least had a little money left. Needless to say, I’m never taking any quests from these people again.”
“Well, of COURSE I’m going to let it go. What else can I do? Next time, however…”
“Yeah, fair enough. I did say ‘this once’.”
“Um…”
“Wouldn’t a DOCTOR be more prudent in this case? Or… you know, something other than a HUNTER?!”
“Makes me wonder what we’re going to fight this time. Bacteria? Depression?”
“This is going to end up being another really stupid mission, isn’t it?”
“All towns need a draw, right?”
“Cheerio, lads. Let’s have some tea at the patio.”
“By Jove.”
“They’re famous for their terraced field, and the strangers that drops by to stomp through their produce.”
“Oh! My! God! You… you…”
“Easy now, Chaz. Remember to breathe.”
“OK, I’m fine. I just… did these idiots call us here so we could go to Termi and buy them a souvenir?! Christ, I suspected that this mission would be dumber than the last one, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to be right!”
“I have to concur. Is there anything wrong with missions where we get to kill something?”
“That’s awful. Let me break out my violin for you, Mr. Chondriac.”
“Oh, that would be nice. Maybe a melody will cheer me up. And some potato chips. And a souvenir.”
“I am going to physically throw you out of your bed and onto your ass right now, kid.”
“Wait, Chaz. Don’t do it.”
“Come to think of it, I could’ve taught his parents the ryuka technique. Then they could’ve dragged their own lazy asses over here to satisfy their entitled little hellspawn’s stupid whims. I can’t believe they called upon the guild for THIS.”
“Let it go, Chaz.”
“……”
“I’m going to say that a lot during these quests, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, that cheered you right up, didn’t it? You little brat, I’m sure you feel good about bossing people around like this.”
“He’s being mean to me, boo hoo.”
“And he says this without as much as an emotional infliction in the tone of his voice.”
“He’s a master of crocodile tears, though.”
“Well, if you don’t lay off that manipulative streak of yours, we’re going to have to do something about that, won’t we?”
“Yes.”
“Definitely.”
“I’m in.”
“Er… point taken.”
“Don’t tempt me, kid.”
“At least that mission is over with now, and we’ll actually turn a profit on this one.”
“Let’s check by the house again right now, though. I bet that little brat is already out and about.”
“And if he isn’t, I’m going to throw him out of that bed myself.”
“Well, gee, isn’t that sweet. I’m pretty sure you only want to be as ‘strong as me’ because you don’t want me to cane your ass. And where the hell did your portrait image go, Tweedle?”
“…..”
“It’s a new kind of Stockholm Syndrome.”
“You guys are really laying on with the irony, aren’t you?”
“We sure are.”
“…WHAT?!”
“So, we go from babysitters to the ‘make-a-wish foundation for brats’. And now, we are pest control?”
“At least we get to kill something.”
“Whoopeeee.”
“You don’t say. Well, get to the point right now, because my patience has just about run out here.”
“It has? Oh, boy…”
“Hmmmm?”
“Um… nothing. Anyway…”
“Well, that sounds refreshingly straightforward. Maybe we’ll be lucky this time.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how stupid the two last guild missions we completed. I was all ready to tear up some ass if we didn’t get a serious mission for once.”
“Uh… right. Well, don’t let me keep you waiting.”
“Rappy? So, exactly what IS a rappy?”
“OK, forget I asked.”
“Man, these little bastards are far too cute to kill.”
“How are these even a threat?”
“Well, it’s… slightly bigger than the others, so… yeah, he be da boss.”
“Um… why? He’s only noticed us. He’s not doing anything.”
“Rika, we were hired to kill this thing, so that’s what we’re going to do.”
“Oh, fine.”
“I don’t know whether to shoot this thing or give it a hug.”
“It’s just sitting there on its ass. How does it even plan on fighting back?”
“I give him an A for effort.”
“I give him an F for results.”
“I think we won. It’s still kind of… well, sitting still.”
“Is it dead?”
“I guess not.”
*sigh* “Oh well, better follow it and finish the job.”
“I feel like such a bully over this.”
“Well, we were hired for this, so….”
“Regrets, Mr. Sekreas?”
“You know, your grovelling tone makes me suspect there’s more to this than what you’ve told us so far. And if patterns are to be believed, things are about to get really stupid.”
“It sure is, except there’s a little thing called ‘a swarm’, and here’s another thing most people with an ounce of intelligence living in a bio-monster biotope will understand: introducing any species of animal to a completely new enviroment — especially one where they have no natural enemies — is an amazingly bad idea.”
“And the villagers got mad, you say? Those jerks, not appreciating the finer points of food-shortage related starvation causes during the long, sweltering summers here on Motavia. Fighting for survival is just so evil.”
“My logic circuits are very nearly frying. It takes the full range of my cooling system to prevent my head from setting itself on fire.”
“Oh, so you thought so, did you? You thought the HUNTERS GUILD would be unable to fight something REGULAR VILLAGERS could chase away? You don’t think very highly of us, do you? Well, here’s a newsflash, you moron; we have fought and defeated TWO DARK FORCES after taking down Zio. And you thought a huge, yellow chicken would be able to give us grief?”
“Also, I would like to add that it amazes me that you honestly think people are willing to face starvation and death just because someone got beaten. You’re not very good at thinking things through, are you?”
“Lock you up? I want to stab you through your goddamn throat, you stupid f-..”
“Whoa, hold it, Chaz. Age rating.”
“I.. I know! I just can’t.. deal with all these stupid assholes and their outlandish plans of using the guild to do asinine things. For ONCE I thought I had an honest-to-God mission on my hand, and yet it turned into one of the dumbest, most intelligence-shattering plans ever made. I feel like giving you a sword colonoscopy right now, but that wouldn’t help us much. That’s why I’m going to ask you to leave before I turn to the dark side.”
“Uh… pardon?”
“Why doesn’t he understand that… I must… control… urge… to kill.”
“Forgive you? I don’t… are you… how do you manage to find just the thing to say to piss me off as much as this? Are you another personification of Dark Force? Is that why you manage to awaken this much rage?”
“Um… are you alright, sir?”
“WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ALREADY?!”
“Eep! OK, OK.”
“Oh wow, Mr. Sekreas’s stupidity isn’t only rather excessive, it’s also probably contageous.”
“Chaz, this is an island. The birds really don’t have anywhere else to go, so… yeah, that town is going to get more visits from the horde of ridiculously yellow birds.”
“I don’t care. I just want to go, and I’ll even lie to myself if I have to.”
“Eh, fair enough.”
“NOW!”
“Rune, stop drawing out this conversation.”
“Oh, fine.”
“…well, apparently, they also come in blue.”
“…imagine that.”
“That’s fine… and you know why? Because I’m going to head back to the guild, and then I’m going to put you on its blacklist, with orders for your crucifixion if you ever try to rent our services again. In fact, I’m going to make sure that if you are ever sighted within Aiedo with your mouth open, you will be shot on sight. And then we’re going to stick things up your butt before burying you.”
“If you want to save your face, you might want to never have anything to do with that town again. One of those bastards had us come down so we could go shopping for him. He paid, though, so there’s that. This non-paying dude, however, planned on having us come down and be defeated by a gigantic yellow chicken barely able to move around, much less actually fly.”
“Yes, I mean it. We don’t ever want to have anything to do with Torinco. Ever! Again!”
“I have to agree. Admittedly, the terraced fields were nice, but BOTH of the people who sent us requests made being a complete lobotomized idiot seems strongly preferably by comparison.”
“Well, then, you tell me, Rika. Do we ban that place from taking contracts with the guild or do we just carpet bomb it?”
“Uh….”
“See? There is no one correct answer.”
“That is a LOT of money for what sounds like a sensible quest for once. Did we hit the double-jackpot?”
“And we start off with a fight against enemies that actually look menacing and dangerous. I’m… having a bit of a problem processing this whiplash of competency here.”
“And that request isn’t even all that unreasonable. I’m joining the ‘not sure what to make of it’ crowd here.”
“Um… thanks for not noticing and otherwise sticking by me during the fight, though. Because you would totally not ditch me if you saw they were only fighting me, right?”
“Well… of course. What do you take us for, dude?”
“Humans?”
“I’m NOT a human, though.”
“Oh?”
“When we get this robot problem solved, I’m so sending you down to Torinco so that you can show some people there what for. You’re what? Five? And still you’re more of a man than anyone else down there.”
“And as soon as we leave town… say, those aren’t robots, are they?”
“Maybe it’s the boogeyman.”
“Do they have weapons made of recycled human parts?”
“How the hell should I know?”
“And here we are. Looks like any other machine station we’ve been to.”
“No way! This is totally different.”
“How?!”
“It’s purple.”
“…of course.”
“Well, that sounds bad. Alright, you keep the defenses up, and we’ll look into this.”
“I mean… it’s not like we’ve visited several facilities so far that are completely mechanical by nature, right? Are we to assume they’re all going to be this passive?”
“What do you mean ‘this passive’? Sounds like a plan to take over the world to me.”
“Or monopolize android and robot rights.”
“Well, then; lead the way, Wren Guevara.”
“My name is not Roger. And we’re going in.”
“Uh, no, that’s not… OK, never mind.”
“If by ‘similar’, you mean ‘robotic’, then yes.”
“No, I stole some human’s brain and installed it in my head unit.”
“You’re… kidding right?”
“….yes, I am.”
“But shouldn’t they realize that Seed self-destructed? That’s kind of odd, isn’t it?”
“Eh, who cares?! Let’s go inside and kick us some butt and eat all that experience.”
“Well, they obviously didn’t, OK? Stop harping on about that.”
“OK, fine. Don’t blame me, then, when thing turn stupid.”
“Yes, we’ve established that fact too. Which is why we’re here.”
“But is it the reason why we’re still standing outside talking instead of… oh, going inside!”
“Oh, fine. Let’s just go.”
“Lifedeletr, because the big shoulders look is still in.”
“Quick! Before they press that button!”
“Too late. They summoned more beer. Now we’ll NEVER get through this… sober.”
“Curses!”
“Maybe their plan is having us drink ourselves to death.”
“Photoneraser? That sounds pretty damn badass.”
“It’s a gun that literally kills light. That actually sounds kind of nefarious.”
“Er… actually, it shoots light rays that kill people. It’s actually a bit of a difference there.”
“Oh.”
“That’s boring. I liked the other explanation better.”
“I dunno. These enemies just don’t look that menacing. The first robots we met were kind of cool, as was the Life Delet…r’s, I guess.
“Um…. you want some help finding your torso and legs, Mr. Goldine? I’m sure it must be annoying moving around without them.”
“Right or left?”
“I’m not much into politics. Sorry.”
“…right.”
“I TOLD you; I’m not into politics!”
“Laco-Gear? More like LOCO-Gear.”
“Call it what you want, Chaz. I still want it.”
“Helloooo bro.”
“It’s a regular Bro-und up.”
“They’re all fashionably pink too.”
“Well, we could always just throw out the Land Rover now that it’s been replaced. That ought to free up a whole lot of space for minor stuff like medicine.”
“Sorry, Chaz, but that would only free up one space.”
“What? But… that makes no sense.”
“That’s item slots for you. It’s all just information in the end.”
“Well, no place to go but down now.”
“To stop them, of course. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong of me to point this out. I mean… come on!”
“This is no time for sarcasm either.”
“But I wasn’t.”
“Yeah, Wren. It was just a really odd thing to say.”
“That’s ri-..heey, that’s rude.”
“Uh….”
“It’s a dominator with two pink BroWrens flanking him. We’re in for a loooong session of anal probing, aren’t we?”
*sigh* “Aaaand more conveyor belts. And more elevators going down.”
“Will there even be anything worthwhile down there?”
“Oh?”
“You broke… THE LAW!”
“LAAAAWWWWW!”
“A mother and a father?”
“Mother. Seed. Daughter. What’s up with all the goofy AI names?”
*ahem*
“Do tell, Spock.”
“Well, it IS highly illogical.”
“Well, you need to stop that.”
“Uh… Chaz?”
“OK, that should solve our problem. Let’s go back and collect our reward.”
“Um… no, that’s not going to do anything.”
“And how would you know whether other AI’s are enemies of Algo? Did they fire first and ask questions later?”
“Those that aren’t with me, are against me.”
“Yeah, that’s a lovely sentiment right there.”
“Thank you.”
“SARCASM! Look it up.”
“OK, I think I can see where this is going. And ‘not well’ are the first words that come to mind.”
“Haha, she totally TL;DRed you there, Wren.”
“I fail to see the humor in the situation here.”
“In other words; I PWN UR ASS, BEYATCH!”
“That’s… not very helpful in defusing the situation, Wren.”
“You understand who your daddy is now, don’t you, Daughter?”
“Oh, Christ…”
“I order you to cease this right now!”
“Wren, did you honestly think this would help? What did you expect?”
“Well, at least we’ll be getting our fight.”
“Some fight! These aren’t even original boss characters. They’re just slightly bigger normals that come in threes.”
“Meh, I say. MEH!”
“We’re going to…. PWN you!”
“And that IS helping?”
“Well, of course. We’ve already had our fight. She obviously doesn’t have any more to throw at us.”
“And with that, we’ll go into the definition of ‘living’. Because we all know everyone loves a good hamster cage, right?”
“We all need a little strife into our lives, right? Besides, it’s not like human beings prefer lush greenlands to arrid desert areas with quicksand, right?”
“You know.. like I’m doing now? Excessively shutting you down to stop you from excessively going around murdering robots. Excessively.”
“Wren, I’m tempted to tl;dr you myself as well. Did we really NEED this history lesson? Did Daughter need it, now that you shut her down?”
“It’s nice that you’re trying to make her feel better, though. That’s really sweet.”
“Sarcasm, Rika?”
“Well… yes and no.”
“Um… but didn’t we just say that Daughter was cut off from the network? How would she get a signal then?”
“SSSSH ABOUT THE PLOT HOLE!”
“Oooh yeah. I’d say 80000 is pretty damn enriching.”
“Chaz, have you already forgotten about our conversation? It’s not all about the money, you know.”
“You know, you’re so right.”
“OK, good to hear that.”
“Yeah. The experience was pretty nice too.”
“……”
“Well, it’s not like most of our missions and quests have revolved around stopping something. Preferably with our weapons. And whenever we weren’t doing that, we went around doing really pedantic stuff. What is it we really need to watch out for?”
“Violence: It’s the only way.”
Finally done with all the important distractions, our heroes once more focus their attention to the task at hand. Closer than ever, they rush off to the Soldier’s Temple, because fate waits for no man.
“Wha… NO! Chaz, we need to stop this. We are running out of time, you know.”
“Rika, after all the nonsense we’ve been through lately, I need some rest, or I’ll go crazy. That last mission was OK, but really.”
“OK, fine! Point taken.”