Chapter 2: The Magical Mystery Roundabout Tour.
“But aren’t we all ‘fake’ magicians? We’re using ‘techniques’, after all. What here constitutes a ‘fake’ magician compared to a ‘real’ one? Also, DO we have any ‘real’ magicians in this world?”
“I’m wondering about that too. Besides, we’ve been managing just fine with SCIENCE so far.”
“And when SCIENCE leaves town, where do you look for your pathetic rescue then?”
“Um… well. Anyway, here’s what happened, see?”
“That’s all? That’s everything he said?”
“No, there was more.”
“And that’s about it.”
“Well, you can say what you want about Zio, but at least he keeps his meetings short and sweet. Or, well… at least short.”
“And since we plan on being complete children about this, let’s go to Birth Valley.”
“Well, of course you would. That’s what I’m paying you for, after all.”
“That more and more people are getting stoned?”
“Yes. I mean no. I mean… kind of. What the hell are you talking about? You tryin’ to be funny in my presence, boy?”
“And I’m going to Disneyland.”
“And I’ll be going out of my frikkin’ mind if I have to listen to this banter any longer. Incidentally….”
“That’s mah boy.”
“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“Telling you about egg-laying season? I sure am.”
“No, I was talking about fleecing me like this.”
“Fleecing you? Do you have any idea how little money that really is? Because I sure as hell will be more than happy to remind you about it later if needed. 400 meseta, which is the grand total I’ve charged you so far, is much less than what we got down in this university’s cellar.”
“OK, OK, jeez. I’m a student, you know. We aren’t exactly known for being loaded.”
“You’re a PROFESSOR!”
“Professor Student.”
“Whatever. Do you need to say your farewells to Doctor Lubricant before we go? I wouldn’t want him to get… sore… about us taking away his favorite student.”
“Har har. Stop being such a pain in the… uh, ass. Let’s just go.”
“Finally outside again. Sorry to say this, Hahn, but your university is smelly.”
“Chemicals aren’t generally known for their fragrances. Also, that cellar has been locked up for quite some time now, and the air was getting kind of stale down there.”
“Maybe they were getting tired of footing your cocaine binges. Seriously, dude, you got a powder moustache right under your nose there.”
“You don’t say! We totally didn’t get that idea while getting the full tour of everything, including the monster-infested cellar.”
“You’d think it would have been more appropriate with a ‘please come back’ instead in this situation, huh?”
“And we are outside. And I must say, that town sure looks… tidy.”
“It’s real hip to be square, huh? Not to mention built in the desert itself. Grass not good enough for you studious types?”
“Hello?! Climate slowly going under? It WAS built on grasslands originally, but… yeah, them’s the breaks on this here planet.”
“Oh… right…. well, never mind, then.”
“Well, I’m hungry. Anyone up for some grub?”
“Dude, seriously? No! Ewww.”
“Just kidding. I just wanted to see what you look like when green.”
“Don’t make me WAT you.”
“You don’t have the nuts.”
“I think you’re all insane, but I don’t think that was what you wanted to hear.”
“Sand worm ranch, huh? I sure hope that won’t come back to bite you in the ass, figuratively AND literally.”
“I’ll give this town three months. Tops.”
“…..”
“Oh, come on. Please don’t cry. It’s not THAT bad. At least you still got some grass here, see?”
“Man, you do know how to pick your words, don’t you?”
“Oh, yeah! This might be just some rinky-dink village, but it does have a weapon store. This day just got a whole lot better.”
“There we go. Think positive.”
“Well, it’s a good thing we had Hahn here pay us ALL OF 400 MESETA, because that means we can almost afford a new sword and two slashers. Of course, the main reason we can afford all this is because we gots loot from slain enemies.”
“Alright, alright, I get it. Jeez.”
“All that and armor too? Good thing we got some CHANGE!”
“Makes me wonder why we didn’t just drop by here on the way down. Anything’s better than the POS stuff we’re using now, right?”
“I dunno. I’m kind of wary about putting anything described as ‘having been boiled in wax’ on my head.”
“A foreskin patch? I… why would I want to wear that?!”
“A foreHEAD patch made of skin, you disgustingly hilarious person. Are you suffering from a very special and perverted kind of dyslexia? That might explain how Doctor Lube back in Piata got his name.”
“Maybe it’s a college thing. And people say HUNTERS are obsessed with penis jokes? We ain’t got crap on you studious guys.”
“But seriously, dude… you guys need to head off to Aiedo and see those dancers from time to time. Bottling up all this sexual frustration isn’t good for ya, if you know what I mean.”
“I’ll… keep that in mind.”
“No butts. We had enough of that nonsense in Piata.”
“Also, we want to know the name of a place, and you tell us where to find a completely DIFFERENT place? That’s…. uh, helpful, I guess.”
“Tough luck there.”
“You could always try a wall, like we have in Piata. Won’t do much good for the area outside of the wall, but at least you get grass on the inside.”
“Not that it matters too much anyway, seeing as the quicksand cometh and all.”
“Oh… yeah… right.”
“Those darn Zionthologists. They’re only in it for your money.”
“Not to mention your immortal soul. Both of them.”
“Yes, I… what?”
“Um… nothing. Just forget I said that.”
“Alright, east it is. Man, there really IS sand freaking everywhere around these parts.”
“And here we are. Man, this place even has a front lawn.”
“And lots of old people telling us to get off it.”
“I guess they feel obligated to protect one of the few remaining lawns on this planet from young upstart… ship. Or something like that.”
“Good going, Chaz. You broke it.”
“Gah! What?!”
“Now there’s nothing but sand here too.”
“Well, I… wait, how is that MY fault?”
“Well… this guy, at least.”
“It’s quite mysterious. Except the Principal in Piata mentioned this, but hey….”
“YES, WE KNOW, SHERLOCK!”
“I like swords.”
“Oh, are we poking fun at something now? Well, don’t let me stop you. With my slicers.”
“Eh, that was a boring place. Let’s move on.”
“I feel like we’ve forgotten something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
“Well, we DID arrive at a town where everyone has been turned to stone. That’s more than enough to distract most people.”
“We actually DO have peninsula here? Well, imagine that.”
“And Mini worm.”
“What the… THIS is MINI?!”
“Sure is. Bet you’re glad we reminded you of egg-laying season now, huh? Even if it robbed you of the pleasure of handling these babies on your own.”
“And by ‘babies’, we mean that in a literal sense.”
“That… sand worm ranch is in trouble, isn’t it?”
“Well, I don’t want to sound presumptious or anything, but I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing a hunter’s contract from that place in the near future.”
“Oh, look. It’s so happy to see you.”
“Ow, dammit!”
“I… don’t even know where to start. I guess I need to pay more attention to this… egg-laying season… thing.”
“Oh, look. Another town surrounded by rocks and sand. It must be a lively place.”
“Why? Because we make bad jokes about the names of your towns?”
“Yikes! Looks like you hit the nail on its furry head there, Chaz.”
“No, and what made you think we were? Last I checked, only the people in his crazy cult actually like the guy. Something to keep in mind for next time you meet someone, hmm?”
“Well, anyway, that was a boring place, too. Time to move on.”
“These buggers are big, aren’t they? What’s preventing them from just attacking any nearby village? It’s not like the defenses are much to speak of.”
“What? Don’t you know anything about science?”
“Maybe I do and maybe I don’t, but what’s that got to do with it.”
“Nothing. I’ve just been wanting to say that for the longest time, though.”
“Well, uh… good for you, then.”
“Would you look at this?! Now THIS is a really nice town. Hell, there’s even a grass field and maybe even a few patches of forest nearby.”
“It’s nice, isn’t it? Well, then, we got places to go and people to meet, so… let’s go.”
“What? Nonono, we are definitely going to visit this nice and scenic place to take a load off.”
“Um… I don’t think we should. Very bad idea. Dark secrets and all that.”
“Oh, balderdash.”
“Oh, please no WAAAIIIT!”
“The village of what?! Wait, they know you, Hahn?”
“Um… it’s nothing. Just a coincidence. Let’s just leave while we have the chance.”
“Absolutely not. We HAVE to get to the bottom of this fascinating mystery.”
“Ohoho, I think we might have hit paydirt here.”
“Why meeeee.”
“Actually, don’t answer that. I think I can come up with a guess or two, and I want to see if I’m right.”
“Don’t let ME ruin your fun or anything.” *grumble*
“Chaz, did we really need to raid this woman’s home? What did you expect to find in here?”
“I just like to see how people live. What’s wrong with that?”
“Oh, I could come up with a couple of reasons.”
“Man, these people sure know you. Did you do something you shouldn’t before heading off for the academy?”
“You could put it that way.”
“And why are we in here in the first place? The last person I want to talk to on this planet is my father. He’s the biggest ‘disapproving father’ stereotype in the history of forever. He’s perfected the skill of ‘grumble’.”
“Um… Hahn, that doesn’t make any sense. If this woman’s rosy-eyed glasses impression of your father is correct, he doesn’t WANT your feelings to change. Speaking of which, there’s a name for this kind of behavior. Remember, Alys?”
“Sure do. It’s…”
“Don’t say it. Doooon’t say it!”
“TSUNDERE DAD!”
“Gnaaargh!”
“Might as well give this armor store a look-see. Hmm. Hahn, don’t you know that low-carbs is the next thing?”
“Naw, that’s just a fad. It’ll go away soon, just you wait.”
“It’s some ass-expensive stuff, though. I can’t believe you had the nerve to complain about me charging you 400 meseta from you for following you here. That won’t even buy one armor piece.”
“I guess we gotta go monster-hunting.”
“Aaah, outside again. Fresh air andGAH! ENEMY ATTACK!”
“Oho, we’re even facing a Locusta here. You do NOT want to get in the way of those arms, let me tell you that right now.”
“I’ll… uh, take your word for it.”
“What? They live in your back yard, and this is the first time you’ve seen one?”
“Up close, yeah.”
“Well, then, let’s make sure you won’t be seeing those things TOO up close.”
“WE SHALL FIGHT WITH GROWING CONFIDENCE ON THE BEACH! Say, Hahn… you OK there, buddy?”
“I’ve… felt better.”
“Then heal yourself, foo’. You got a RES spell, don’t you?”
“No concern for your fellow man, huh?”
“We learned Zan. Well… one of us did.”
“What the hell does ZAN do anyway?”
“….dunno.”
“Aren’t you the scholar here?”
“Indeed. That’s why we’re going to TRY that spell at some point. Because that’s a part of what being a scolar is all about; trying stuff and finding out what it does.”
“Oh, fine, you… you… inquisitive person, you.”
“That is a nice condo. Kind of isolated, but… man, the view must be fantastic.”
“Well, if you like living in temples….”
“He’s not fat, he’s just… big boned.”
“You don’t say. We never would have guessed.”
“Well, I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle. That couldn’t possibly be some kind of artificial block made to make sure we have the party members we need to have.”
“That’s all? Why would that be so embarrassing to reveal?”
“Unless….”
“Oh boy, incoming cheese and sugar.”
“I should have seen this coming.”
“TAMAHOMEEEEEE!”
“MIYAAAKAAAA!”
“Is there anything you two find amusing by our lovely loving love?”
“Yes. Everything.”
“Well, then… we’re just going to have to step it up a notch then, don’t we?”
“ME THREE!”
“Well, I guess that’s enough fun and games…. at our expense.”
“Well, Saya does have gigantic hair.”
“I HEARD THAT, CURTIS!”
“It’s true, though.”
“Um… why? He was just making a guess. And not an entirely unlikely one either.”
“Is this supported by college studies too, Hahn?”
“No, it’s not. Jerks.”
“Yeesh, OK, we get it. Man, Saya can get any kid’s heart aflutter, male OR female.”
“Looks like you’ll be getting some competition in a few year’s time, Hahn, ol’ boy.”
“Can we please be serious for just a moment?”
“We sure did. I was thinking of buying it so that I’ll have a place to retire to when I get too old for hunting. That way, I can throw any kids stepping on my lawn directly into the sea. It’s going to be so much fun.”
“Chaz, future lord of cranky old guys.”
“With lawns.”
“Well, this spot seems ominously prepared for something. I don’t know what, but it makes my skin crawl.”
“You’re just being paranoid. This place is as idyllic as can be.”
“I… do not necessarily disagree with Alys. Let’s just… go.”
“OK, suit yourselves. And it’s such a peaceful spot too.”
“Stop that.”
“At any rate, we’ve got places to be and things to do, right?”
“Aaah, now I feel alive again.”
“OK, now THAT felt ominous.”
“Pathway to Tonoe, here we come.”
The path clear, our heroes forge ahead. Though their big, distant goal is still somewhat unclear, some things were already rather… obvious.
“Or, well… ten. At least.”