Chapter 17: When the only light is gone, side quests are mandatory.
“Felt? It’s SURFIN’ TIME, DUUUUUDE!”
“The ‘Black Energy Wave’ sounds like a really bad blacksploitation version of the movie ‘The Wave’… sponsored by a sports drink label.”
“Screw Dark Force. I think we’ve found a whole new level of evil here.”
“…Pikachu?”
“I think even Raja would find that one too obvious. And kind of sad.”
“Yeah, I agree. I’m ashamed of myself.”
“Because I love how you talk like William Shatner whenever I overload your brain with something.”
“Well, that’s…. rather…. nice…. of…..”
“…….”
“…….”
“…..well?”
“…..you.”
“And I do so love how you talk like… well, you have verbal diarrhea whenever you’re excited about something. A common thread? Not on my watch, pal.”
“Wait… processing information.”
“I do declare, Rune, you sound like a child that just found Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. Which is kind of odd, seeing what we’ll be meeting in that tower.”
“I guess it takes a special kind of guy to remain the same even when he’s had the memories of an ESPer overlord crammed into his skull.”
“That’s me.”
“Thank you, elder. That’ll tide you over for good deeds for a good while, I guess. So don’t feel like you have to go out and… you know, DO something.”
“Yes, I agree. We’ll… uh, remember those prayers once we go up against personified evil hellbent on planetary destruction and find ourselves in dire need of help.”
“Uh….”
“Sorry, but… we’ve already used up our only joke.”
“Where is RAJA when we need him?”
“Obviously, we need a class in detecting sarcasm here.”
“And by ‘rooms’, he really means ‘room’. Because there’s only one door, see?”
“Aside the one we just exited… yes, only one.”
“Thank you, Mr. Pedantic.”
“Maybe it’s just me, but… six beds in one room? The ESPer mansion kind of has the feelings of a millitary barrack.”
“Also, Kyra, I’m sorry to say this, but… there’s a startling similarity between the ESPers here. Are they all clones? There’s the green-haired males and the blonde females… and then you and the old guy being the only ones who stand out. Clonus Horror much?”
“Yes, well, that’s because…. a wizard did it?”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Can you guess which of the two is my favorite friend?”
“Yyyyeeees, I’m sure I can. Unless you feed on verbal abuse. Then all bets are off.”
“Sure. Just help yourselves, guys. Don’t worry about whoever might OWN this stuff.”
“Sorry, Kyra, but this stuff is ours by the old RPG ‘first come, first served’ law. Besides, what do you expect us to do? Ask for permission? Hah, that’ll be the day.”
“Anyway, we’ve got ourselves some manly driving to do, drilling through snow in a totally not Freudian way.”
“Good lord, Chaz. You’re right. That place really does look like some kind of millitary building.”
“It’s the peace corps. They go around from town to town and heal disease-stricken places by punching them in the stomach.”
“Haha, yeah. Remember that guy? ‘WHAAAAAAAM’!”
“Yes, it’s… kind of dark-ish, but otherwise relatively cold. You’d be pardoned for thinking it might actually be winter or something. And night.”
“Yep. No time for niceties when there’s hats to be worn.”
“You guys are THAT good, huh?”
“They’ve maxed out their piety stats, I guess.”
“Now if they could only max out their ‘get the hell out of this place and DO something’ stats. That’d be a first.”
“Well, don’t leave us hanging, man. Tell us who this man of faith is, so that we can go and give him a medal. Or her, if it’s a woman.”
“Chaz, you’re… hee hee… you’re so evil.”
“OH THANK GOD! Man, I was worried there for a second.”
“Now, if we could only solve the whole ‘chapped lips’ problem, the future would be nothing but rainbows and moist lips all around. And not a naked noggin in sight.”
“I… guess it makes sense to open a weapon store, then? I mean… there’s no telling when this world will go to hell and a group of heroes will be needing to upgrade their gear, right? AND WHY DON’T YOU HAVE STUFF I CAN USE?! LIKE…. EVER!”
“Now, now, Wren. We can always do some side quests and then we’ll find some nice stuff for you to use.”
“Anyway, time to sell a secret treasure.”
“So, what do huge kitty shuttle…penises? …go for these days?”
“3150 Meseta and another freed-up spot on our inventory.”
“SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!”
“You sure do… much like every single other town on this planet. Well, except for the one with the zombies, but we’re not blaming you for that one.”
“I still want to blame them for their stores being rather android-unfriendly, though.”
“Um… I don’t think Motavian stores are much better there.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve got enough blame to go around for all of them.”
“We got a few more participants in the big Olympic piety event.”
“And they all bow before the big family jewel.”
“Well, we came here to… uh, get our hands on it, didn’t we?”
“…..”
“I feel like I was lead into a trap.”
“Well, I guess that’s understandable, if not for one small thing…..”
“A very bad haiku?”
“A vinyl record with a scratch in it?”
“Har har. We don’t lend the flame to comedians either.”
“They sure look like a fun bunch, though, laughing and all.”
“Um… no, we don’t know who will be waiting for us at Air Castle.”
“Would you please tell us who will be waiting for us at Air Castle?”
“Well, aren’t you a laugh and a half.”
“Oh, look who’s talking.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Don’t you dare forget to laugh manically before you go. When you’re a villain, you have to go the extra mile.”
“Well… I guess I can’t hold you responsible for teleporting plot convenience villains. Because that’s just cheating, man.”
“You could always take steps to recover the damn thing. You know, find out where the Air Castle is and go there. Sure, it’s dangerous, but seeing as these guys snuck in here and swiped it underneath your nose instead of just levelling this place, I’d wager a party of… five people…. should…. uh oh.”
“You know, that is a LOVELY idea.”
“I don’t like where this conversation is headed.”
“Well, at least we’ll be getting something out of this. I hate to sound like a mercenary, but…. if that’s what it took to make him see the… uh, light… then it’s all going to be worth it.”
“Well, it’s not like we’ll be putting the Eclipse Torch in our back pocket once all this is over or anything. They’ll get it back once we’ve used it to uproot some very obnoxious weed with it.”
“So we’re looking for something that’s been exploded into a million pieces. That’s just great.”
“And the whole ‘finding the bits of castle among the bits of planet’ just lends to the whole ‘needle in the haystack’ thing.”
“…..”
“Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.”
“Then again, I LIVE for low probabilities. Let’s do this.”
“YEAH!”
“Fistpump for great justice.”
“That sounds like the name Lassic when spoken by someone who has far too much teeth in his mouth.”
“And has bitten his tongue on a regular basis.”
“Like Dark Force. Dark… Falz? Falch? Faszh? Something like that?”
“Well, never mind that. We’ve got things to do now.”
“We sure do.”
“SIDE QUESTS!”
“What?! No, that’s not…”
“OH GOD LOOK WHERE YOU’RE DRIVING WE’LL CRUSH THE BUILDING AAAAAAH!”
“Which we almost crushed. Or anally violated with huge, vehicle-mounted drills.”
“And I don’t know which to weep myself to sleep from every night for the next couple of years.”
“Well, that’s no good. I’d take any excuse to loot this place.”
“Well, in that case, please let me contribute one: I WANT SOME GODDAMNED GEAR! I can’t buy any because all the stores we’ve been to don’t sell stuff I can use, so I’ve been reduced to grave-robbing just for something new to wear.”
“This is a grave?”
“Well, it’s full of defunct electrical equipment and computers, so… yeah, for me it is.”
“We are heading DOWN, yeah! Let the grave robbery begin!”
“I’m so glad to see you have fun with this.”
“This sure looks familiar, though. It’s good to see the work of the railing death prevention team in full effect.”
“Yeah. We’ll fall to our deaths, but it won’t be because of any railings.”
“I don’t care! Give me railings or give me death, man.”
“They’re here to sw..”
“Don’t you DARE finish that sentence. What are you? Raja mark two?”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk.”
“You people just keep DRONING on, don’t you?”
“…………”
“RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT!”
“OH GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
“Or possibly switch the conveyor belts to go the other way.”
“Um… yes, that too.”
“Soooo they’re called Star Drones, right?”
“Yes.”
“And here they are, in an old, abandoned, dark and dank mechanical facility.”
“Well… yes.”
“Makes sense when you think about it.”
“….no, not really.”
“The Burst Rock? That sounds really freaking metal, dude.”
“Yes, the parts are indeed made of metal. And some plastic, but eh… close enough.”
“Yes, the laughs never end here at the Comedy Plant.”
“GAH!”
“Wow, Wren. You’re… not very shy, are you? Opening your chest plate like that….”
“I don’t see the problem.”
“Say that to Demi. She threatened me with grievous bodily harm if I so much as gazed in her general direction when she changed HER parts.”
“Hmmm, that is quite illogical. She never did that with me.”
“Oh really? That’s… very interesting.”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Pinky?”
“Well, I’m thinking Wren is ready to Roc.”
“…..”
“I’m also ready for whatever’s behind door number two.”
“Just don’t let Demi catch you saying something like that.”
“Well, either they marked the direct route along the floor, or somebody with very poor bladder control ran through looking for a toilet.”
“It’s even glowing. I guess somebody should’ve refrained from drinking motoroil.”
“Ah, look. Motorized plates.”
“Also known as ‘floor for the chronically lazy’.”
“The most hilarious part is that they only moved us a relatively short distance, and there are no branching paths. Was there any particular point to that?”
“Damn it! MORE pre-looted chests. They better hope I never find out who stole my stuff.”
“Maybe it was one of the many robots we fought on our way here.”
“ELST? What the hell does that even mean?”
“I…. don’t know. But as long as it improves my defense, I don’t care.”
“EL….aSTic?”
“Nope. And ew. I’m not wearing any mankinis, thank you very much.”
“And from this terminal, we can get an infinite amount of repair kits. That’s… good to know.”
“It’s the terminal that keeps on giving. Literally.”
“And of course this base has to be all symmetrical with its huge hallways. So, what’s down this end of the redundant sliding floors for lazy people?”
“That’s nice. Now you can launch all the PLSM you’d ever want.”
“Nice. We’ll soon be up to our armpits in PLSM if I’ve got anything to say about it.”
“Wren, I know these conveyor belts are only here to prevent us from walking against their running direction, but they do kind of give off the impression that androids and machines in general are a group of lazy bastards.”
“Yes, I know. But that usually only lasts until said people realise that the base has been designed by humans.”
“Kind of like how the most male-condemning ‘feminist’ articles in papers and such are usually written by men, huh?”
“Ah, enemies. Robotic shoulder pads by the look of it.”
“Which reminds me; I haven’t had the chance to try out the Burst Roc yet. Stand back, everyone.”
“WHOOOOOOOO!”
“Oh hell, yeah! Your shoulders are shooting rockets. That’s pretty frigging rad right there.”
“If I could do the metal ‘devil horns’ hand sign while shooting these, I totally would.”
“If you do that, you’ll either blow up your shoulder or shoot everyone standing behind you — us, that is — so please don’t do that.”
“And now that that’s done, let’s check out this mechanical base too.”
“I’m not quite as excited about this one, though. We had access to it much earlier, which means that the equipment we find in here is pretty substandard by now.”
“And also; a beast that got its species named by a baby.”
“I suspect little Timmy will be quite sad about what we’re about to do, then.”
“Well, the front door is quite open.”
“I guess the purple line marking on the floor must’ve been from a MONSTER with poor bladder control, then.”
“Um… yes, except this conversation feels a little bit belated, as if we’re missing one of the participants.”
“Well, we ARE late to the party.”
“I… have nothing.”
“It’s a big empty room. Exciting, isn’t it?”
“At least I know where I can go the next time I want to be bored out of my mind. And I’m barely more than one years old.”
“Well, a Pulse Vulcan sounds like an awesome thing… IF THIS WAS TWO WEEKS AGO!”
“Reduce my attack power by around 35%? Yeah, that sounds like a brilliant idea.”
“Also, couldn’t this place have been any other color than blue? It would’ve been much more fun to walk these samey floors and grid platforms if they could’ve been green or PURPLE for once.”
“Once again, we fight the intergalactic kegger and Barbie’s First Floating Automatic Turret.”
“One of which would look totally fabulous on your head.”
“At least we can use two techniques that sound like they do absolutely nothing at all.”
“The second one sound so casual too, in that totally rad way. If u kno watchoo mean, ess?”
“Sorry, but I’m not fluent in ‘blithering idiot’.”
“Um… what?”
“COMPO gear. Because sometimes, articles from IKEA is good enough to defend your life.”
“Come to think of it, why are we locating money inside an android’s stronghold? What are you going to do with the money? Buy armor you can’t use? Buy medicine that has no effect on you? Surely, you can’t need THAT many escapipes.”
“Oh, don’t say that. The robolution hordes can get pretty sizable, you know.”
“Even if we defeat Dark Force, we’ll only become servants of the robot empire, won’t we?”
“Wait… did… did we have to go up one floor just to walk a couple more feet? Is there any particular reason why they couldn’t just make it one solid path instead of having two extra elevators and an otherwise empty room just to make the complex a little more complicated?”
“Don’t ask me. I didn’t build this thing.”
“Ah, a repair kit. It’s not like there are terminals somewhere else that provides unlimited amounts of those or anything.”
“Looting makes all the difference. There’s a grand difference between freebies and loot, after all.”
“And nothing here. This place sure is fond of nothing.”
“Looks like somebody forgot to activate the yellow line.”
“Either that, or there’s not nearly enough radioactive water to go around in this place.”
“And this is what we get when we don’t follow the yellow line. Any questions?”
“Yes, but none that I really want answered. You know… that ‘sleeping at night’ thing.”
“I’ve got an eye on you.”
“They’re just… standing there. It’s kind of unnerving, actually.”
“And they didn’t do anything. I… can’t deal with that.”
“Staring at us pityingly is… their whole heads were basically just a single eye.”
“And here’s Mr. Hat and… a debugger? Do you have any programs or plugins that don’t work like they should?”
“Hmm. Let me check them all.”
“Apparently not. And look, here’s the IKEA armor. Another for the ‘sell as soon as possible’ pile.”
“Wait! Sinister lines on the floor, and leading into a big room. I think we’ve reached our goal.”
“About time.”
“What the… did we just meet the great leader, Tourettebot?”
“What a bunch of nincompoops. You couldn’t find your ass with a flashlight and a spaceship, you nimrods. Looks like somebody landed on their face after the doctor dropped you post birth, and even the ugly stick went ‘I’m not touching THAT’.”
“He’s such a nice guy. He’s always got time to help his… uh, boss, I guess.”
“Well, actually, we did. And while he was well ‘ard and all that, he was also kind of a big loogie that someone slapped on the monitor wall. We scraped him off the wall and then basically just moved on. So unless you think you’re actually stronger than your dark ol’ lord, prepare for your prescriptioned sword enema.”
“And down he goes.”
“I didn’t expect you to follow through with the whole ‘sword enema’ threat, though. I could have lived without seeing that.”
“Well, he DID moon us. What did you expect me to do? Hold back?”
“Um…. yes?”
“Well, it’s not like everything magically sorted itself out after you defeated the monitor wall glob, right? I’m sure there’s more to this than one single Dark Force.”
Done with all current temporary distractions, our heroes once again get to work on improving the weather on Dezolis and saving all their friends.
“Oh. Well, I’m GLAD Raja didn’t come along for this one. Can you imagine what he’d say if he had?”
“I’m just wondering what LARS was doing down here, if not to sabotage the climate control system. Was he seriously ordered to just sit here and wait until we wandered all the way down here? There was no guarantee we’d ever do so.”
“Maybe he was surfing the internet while he was waiting.”
“With all the porn that has been downloaded onto this thing, I’d say that’s a given.”
“Uh….”
“Seriously? And here I thought that was a gun underneath his robe.”