Chapter 16: The horrible, horrible truth.
“Well, that depends on your perspective, because I kind of wish my eyes were bad right now. I mean… whoa.”
“Yeah. I may be a girl, but man, that’s just girl fanbait overkill.”
“WHOA HO NOW! You just keep your ‘tusk’ down in your pan-..oh, it’s a claw. Never mind, then.”
“I think that shaved four years off my life… which has lasted a whole year so far. Do you even know what that feels like, furry angel cat?”
“I… don’t feel quite so good about you guys now.”
“Well, it’s…. marginally better than what I already have. I guess I can use it, at least until I find something better in stores or chests.”
“What?! You can’t just throw it away when you don’t need it anymore.”
“Throw it away? Perish the thought.”
“Oh, OK. That’s good to know.”
“No, I’m sure it’ll fetch a pretty Meseta in the stores.”
“……”
“I do declare, he didn’t have to throw us out like that.”
“I agree. It wasn’t like we pissed all over his hospitality or anything. Because you simply don’t DO that.”
“Enough about that. I see a town right ahead.”
“That’s not a town. That’s two flying robots.”
“Damn you, random encounters. Damn you to hell.”
“I don’t know about you, guys, but this place doesn’t give me a good feeling.”
“Oh, really? Why? That ‘female intuition’ thing?”
“Actually, no, it’s….”
“…the zombies.”
“Uh… right. I see your point.”
“Let’s just leave quietly and hope we have better luck in the next town.”
“GODDAMN IT!”
“Yeesh! Well, this is going downhill fast.”
“Well, when you get to a town that’s completely infested with a serious, seemingly incurable illness, there’s only one thing you should do.”
“Erm… I meant ‘leave’. This is the complete opposite of that.”
“Hey, when you’re a hero, you are required by law to do seemingly stupid things that will work themselves out with no personal cost for any of us anyway.”
“That sounds really swell. He must be the most wonderful guy ever.”
“…I stand corrected.”
“I love how he’s all ‘Man, these people are all fatally ill and they’re taking up place in my hotel. Darn!'”
” ‘They’re puking all over my beds too. Gosh!’ ”
” ‘I could have lived with that, though, but their groaning and yelling is keeping me up at night. I just wish they’d keep that damn… er, I mean… DARNED noise down.’ ”
“You guys are having fun with this, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Wha… then you shouldn’t punch him in the face and elbow him in the stomach.”
“The ESPers are fond of… ‘alternative healing’, aren’t they?”
“Er… not quite. I’m guessing this doofus just wasn’t at the top of his class.”
“Ha ha wow! Now he’s choking the living crap out of his patient.”
“Oh, for… OK, let’s stop this guy before he kills more people than this disease.”
“YES, RAJA! WE KNOW! CHRIST, WE ALREADY DECIDED TO GO CHECK IT OUT, OK?!”
“Told you I was going to pester you about it when you chose the wrong option first.”
“Yeah, yeah. Just drop dead already.”
“Um… I didn’t mean literally. Metaphors, Raja. Learn them well.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound very funny at all, does it, Raja.”
“Urgh, you… you…”
“What was that, Raja? I didn’t hear?”
“GARUBEEEEEEERK!”
“Well, that’s no good. I don’t think I can keep up his frequency of really bad jokes, and every group needs a comic relief character, right?”
“I think I can cover for him. I’ve got plenty of material about heckling you I can use.”
“Lucky me.”
“And those are… my feelings for you.”
“YE-..wait, what?”
“Juuust kidding.”
“Oh, so it’s PROBABLY coming from the Garuberk tower now. The tower Raja just can’t seem to be able to shut the hell up about no matter how many sidequests I bring him on.”
“Um… Chaz, that’s kind of WHY he went on and on about that tower.”
“Nuh-uh. It happened when we went to Kuran too, because we thought THAT was the source of our problems.”
“After which you took us on quests as if we were going by the method of elimination. Literally.”
“Well, you know what they say: when you eliminate every other possibility, the remaining path, no matter how unlikely, must be the truth. So I thought we’d just take every single path that couldn’t be the truth so that we could be sure.”
“Brilliant, Sherlock.”
“Actually, I was just kidding. I did that mainly to piss him off, but seeing this town in this state, I kind of regret that now.”
“Yes, I can tell you’re full of regret. And how? Because that ‘darn’ was delivered with HEART, dammit!”
*cough* “Ignoring them all.”
“Wh-huh? OK, so… is it an ESPer habit to just spout random exposition about someone when panicking?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with ‘Kyra has headed off to Garuberk tower alone. Please go help her, someone!’ It’s much shorter, and just as helpful.”
“HELP! KYRA HAS HEADED OVER TO GARUBERK TOWER BY HERSELF! SHE’S ABOUT FIVE FOOT SIX, HAS BLUE HAIR AND LOVES PUPPIES AND CANDY! SHE TENDS TO STUDY BY HERSELF BUT ALWAYS ATTENDS GATHERINGS AND SOCIALIZES WITH THE OTHERS! ANYWAY. SHE WENT TO THE GARUBERK TOWER BY HERSELF! SHE’S REALLY BRAVE AND I REALLY THINK SHE AND I SHOULD GO OUT TOGETHER BUT I GUESS THAT TOPIC CAN BE SAVED FOR LATER! THERE IS A FOREST OF CARNIVOROUS TREES THAT CAN’T MOVE THAT WILL EAT HER!”
“OK, OK, I get your point. Jeez. Just go rescue her already. I’m… uh, very busy, so I can’t do it myself. And neither can the others here.”
“TO THE DRILLMOBILE!”
“Oh God, there are square bits of cannibalistic forest everywhere. How can we break through this impenetrable wall of wood.”
“Hmmm. If only we were riding a vehicle with huge drills in front that can demolish huge piles of ice and snow. Maybe we could just barge through with that.”
“Chaz, that’s just silly. If we could do that, then we wouldn’t be able to go on a huge sidequest for the magic item that will solve all of our problems.”
“Well, either that, or somebody put a tentacle hentai on the viewscreen. Regardless of which one is correct, I think we can all agree that it needs to be stopped.”
“Well… yeah, but don’t you get used to me agreeing with you. I can act like just as big a child as you are.”
“You sure can, Rune, and then some. And THEN some.”
“Um… so… who’s ready for some wood?”
“OMG hold me back, someone.”
“Man, these cheating bastards have cast auto-life on themselves. Or auto-rever or whatever.”
“And that leaves us with only one choice.”
“RUN AWAAAAAY!”
“What? Wait, Wren… heey.”
“And they didn’t even launch one single farm animal.”
“Yes, THE WOOD is growing. THERE’S NO END TO IT!”
“THAT STATEMENT TURNED OUT HORRIBLE.”
“Horribly dirty, more like.”
“I don’t know about you, Rune, but I’m glad these two seems to have found some common ground again.”
“Urgh! I was saved, but I don’t quite feel like I was.”
“And by ‘your friends’, I mean ‘the people who didn’t even lift a finger to help you or stop you’.”
“Yes, I can always count on them. That’s why I went alone.”
“Yes, I think you’re one of the few people we’ve met — like, at all — who actually goes out of her way to DO something, so I definitely think you should become a member of our party.”
“Why, thank you, you smooth talker.”
“Um… I don’t recommend tackling them. Trust me, I already tried that.”
“Uh… no, that’s not…”
“Metaphors, woman. Learn some.”
“Uh…. yes, we all know about that. It’s not like that’s our history or anything, what with the exploded planet leaving a pretty big… oh, never mind.”
“He’s a robot, isn’t he?”
“That’s ANDROID!”
“No, I… what?”
“ANDROID!”
“….right.”
“Yeah, I can smell one major disappointment coming up.”
“And he’ll know a good way to ‘tackle’ this problem? How? By going for the knees?”
“You can say what you want about Tonya Harding, but she sure knew all about weak points.”
“…yeah, I smell BS.”
“Well, I should hope so, because otherwise, he’d be holding out on you guys.”
“That’s not true. YOU LEAVE LUTZ ALONE!”
“Uh… whatever, Kyra Krocker.”
“Rune, do you think we should go meet this man called Lutz?”
“Yes, I think we should go meet this man called Lutz.”
“Great. Then let’s all go meet this man called Lutz.”
“But before that? Kyra, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to take a look at your stats.”
“Oh, you little pervert. Well, then, take a look, big boy.”
“Wait, what did you call me?”
“What? Did I offend you?”
“Actually… no. By all means, say it again.”
“Oh, hey, you’re…. 18? I actually had you figured for an early-twenties girl.”
“Um…. thank you, I think?”
“Well, anyway, since we can’t break wood with this thing, let’s go break some more snow.”
“But only because it’s in our way. Oh, snow, I’m so sorry.”
“Uh… it’s just water.”
“Um… yeah, I’m all the way in the back here. How can you even see me with the hulking cyborg standing in front?”
“ANDROID!”
“Oh? But history says ‘cyborg’. Ancient, alternative history, but history all the same.”
*and in that alternate history…*
“Really? Thanks for the android backup, dad.”
“CYBORG!”
“Uh…. OK. Sorry.”
*being correct is important. Anyway….*
“Wait, you mean the wall of ice that didn’t stop me or my other colleagues from getting to Meese to help people? THAT wall of ice?”
“Well… yes.”
“Admit it: you guys are just lazy.”
“I’m so glad we came here. This place is comedy gold.”
“Well, then, you’re doing it wrong. You’d think that prayers would be on the rise when things go to pieces.
“Not quite. The hall is unused because all the ESPers have been sent out to help the sick.”
“Aside from the lazybones hanging around here, right?”
“Well… yes. But dammit, stop pointing out the fact that we’re all a bunch of identical, nearly-faceless goons who couldn’t find our own asses with a map and some toilet paper.”
“Oh, really. That sounds like a pretty neat sword. Remind us to go find it some time.”
“Mystifying?”
“Yes. I mean, just look. She’s wearing a long dress here, when history puts her in a pink miniskirt. To be honest, I’m not sure how to feel about this. A long dress sounds more sensible, but it’s not the kind you dress in when you fight with a sword. Did she have this statue made after she had defeated Dark Force? Did she ever wear pants? I need to know.”
“…you’re weird.”
“Yeah, people keep saying that.”
“Really? I think that sounds totally tubular, dude. Surf’s up.”
“I think it sounds like an energy drink married to a really sad effort at blacksploitation.”
“Their best? They punched a sick guy in the stomach. And refused to come with you to help you out against the regenerating trees. If that’s their best, they need to try harder. MUCH harder.”
“And THEY even got as far as leaving the damn mansion.”
“Now that was just below the belt.”
“That… sounds like… uh, yeah, not going there.”
“Also, if you guys are training your bodies here, where is the training equipment.”
“…..”
“Uh….”
“OKLEAVINGNOW!”
“The ESPer mansion; crazy cult or crazy sex colony. YOU DECIDE!”
“Also; EEEEEWWWWWWWW!”
“Yes, he’s… uh, meditating. Let’s just leave him alone and WHY HAVEN’T WE LEFT YET?!”
“Hey, YOU were the one who made Kyra the tour guide.”
“Well, she IS the only one who’s been here, right?”
*cough*
“Kyra, I’m glad you decided to get down to business, but I don’t think insulting the guards is going to help.”
“You numb-skulled dimwits! You party-poopers! You… what?!”
“He said YOU’RE NOT HELPING!”
“See? When… wait, what just happened?”
“Rune?”
“Go! Don’t just stand there, slack-jawed.”
“There’s a mansion WITHIN the mansion? Man, this place is AMAZING.”
“I know, right?”
“Ye-..wait, what? Formalities? Returned safely? Rune, have you been here before? In which case, how did you get to Motavia, since we had to hunt down a ship while there, and THEN had to hunt down ANOTHER ship once we crashed the one we got on Motavia?”
“A wizard did it.”
“And by ‘wizard’, you mean ‘you’, right?”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Iiiii’m starting to get an idea.”
“And the disappointment sets in in five… four….”
“That’s why I’ve been spending all these lonely nights, saving myself for….”
“OK THAT’S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!”
“And suddenly, that training room made a whole lot more sense.”
“It’s even USB 3.0 compatible.”
“Goooo technology.”
“This is going to be goooooood.”
The moment of truth — horrible, uncomfortable truth — looms ahead, and our heroes have to brace themselves that sometimes, history will play them for a joke. But darkness also looms ahead, and our heroes have to band together to face greater evil. But for now, time for reflection is at hand.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Your despair fuels me.”
“I don’t even know where to START explaining how all this doesn’t make a lick of sense.”
“That he’s Lutz?”
“Well, no, just everything other than that. ABSOLUTELY everything.”