Chapter 15: Not Your Average Tech Support Case!
“Well, I guess it’s time to take care of business.”
“Yes, I think we’ve waited long enough. There’s no telling how much damage Kuran could’ve wrought on the planet by now.”
“Exactly.”
“Which begs the question….”
“……”
“WHY DIDN’T WE GO THERE IMMEDIATELY?!”
“You obviously do not understand the importance of side quests.”
“Obviously.”
“Well, anyway, let’s not waste any more time.”
“HOUAAAARGH! WE’RE NOT THAT SHORT ON TIME OH GOD WHIPLASH MARK TWO! IT NEVER GETS ANY BETTER!”
“So that’s Kuran, huh? Kind of looks like Zelan.”
“Yes, they do. It’s called ‘blueprints’. Makes building stuff much easier.”
“Man, I’ve always wanted to use the term ‘out of whack’. And this, my friends, is more whacked than you could ever… uh… get out of.”
“…..”
“OK, that didn’t work out.”
“Yes, I’m all out of whack too. Then again, I prefer guns, so….”
“Man, I wish Gryz was still here. Now that was a guy who had whacks to spare.”
“Especially since your whacks are still a little slow.”
Oh, ha ha. I can’t wait to show you how ‘slow’ my whacks are when I plant a few on your head.”
“You will not ruin my whack jokes.”
“Ah, but your jokes have always been rather whack.”
“Oh, a cosmic bridge.”
“We are walking among the stars. Literally.”
“Hmm. We’re fighting Siren. Two of them.”
“They look kind of plain.”
*plain, you say?*
“Who’s FAAAABULOUUUUUUUS?!”
“You sure are, Ronald McDonald. You sure are.”
*cough*
“OK, so… it’s not THAT high down to the next level, right?”
“Well… no, not really.”
“And we’ll eventually end up down there, right?”
“Well… yes.”
“So, why don’t we just jump down there. I’m sure our ankles can take it.”
“….nah, too easy.”
“Yes! The balls have a commander.”
“One ball to rule them all, and in the darkness drop ’em.”
“You’re the man now, dog.”
“This ‘staring at the wall’ thing is incredibly boring.”
“Well, you just stand there and stare some more until you are well and truly ashamed over refusing to allow us all to just jump down that relatively short incline.”
“We’re fighting what? An old-fashioned monitor tube? How does that make any sense?”
“As much as the fact that it’s got satellite minions. In this very room instead of doing what satellites are supposed to do; rotate the planet.”
“Speaking of which, isn’t KURAN a sattelite? So we’re fighting a sattelite minion… inside a sattelite?”
“I guess we’re not completely out of whack, then.”
“I.. what.. you.. it’s an internal ‘unit’ called something-or-other JAMMER?!. So, where are you supposed to JAM it? Was it invented by Dr. Lube? Is there a way to make this any more unintentionally sexual?”
“Sure. Just turn around, and I’ll show you.”
“I… uh, no thanks.”
“Yeah, sure. Install it straight into your bu..WHOA! You aren’t even going to give us a chance to leave the room or turn around or something?”
“No, not really. Why?”
“Wha.. but… Demi almost threatened to kill us if we didn’t turn around. Well, me and Hahn, that is. Rika got off easy.”
“Well, I AM a girl.”
“You could’ve been a lesbian, in which case robo-stripping would’ve been totally hot.”
“I’m not.”
“Well, that’s what she said.”
“Yeah, that’s nice, but what’s your point?”
“The point is; I don’t want to see your ‘jammer’, dude. And certainly not you installing it.”
“Oh hey, here’s a little something for your new package, Wren. If someone wrecks your junk, just apply this kit here.”
“Warning? YEAH, WE WERE WARNED! THE BALL CALLED ANOTHER BALL, AND CRAP IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll beat it with my long stick.”
“And then Wren can… um… JAM his hyperkit right in there.”
“OK, joke’s over now.”
“Why? I haven’t had this much fun since we came across that statue of Dr. Lube in the college.”
“Wait, we won what?”
“A dagger. I guess it’s a shame that Hahn’s not around. Or something like that.”
“This place…. why couldn’t it be as simple as Zelan? Just one elevator and a slight walk to the north, and we met up with you. No ludicrously elaborate labyrinth.”
“Just because, OK? And why are you complaining, Mr. Side Quest?”
“DO WE GO LEFT OR RIGHT HERE? DOES IT EVEN MATTER?!”
“You so deep.”
“I know, right?”
“Here’s another one for your set, Wren.”
“Neat. At least I can get some upgrades in dungeons since none of the stores seem to sell stuff for android. Those racist bastards.”
“But you are an armor piece, Wren. You’re a walking armor.”
“Did you say something, fleshbag?”
“Nah. Just take it. No prob.”
“WHAAAT?! This chest has already been looted. Now that’s just unfair. Who else came down here?”
“…Dark… Force? Maybe?”
“So he’s not just satisfied with corrupting this world and exploding planets? He has to loot chests too? That is truly evil.”
“Well, this looks bloody familiar… in a mirrored kind of a way.”
“Can we jump down that floor? Please? Shorten our journey somewhat?”
“No!”
“Oh, come on.”
“This place has equipment I can use. We are going to loot it to the ground.”
“Gnaaaargh! Not this again.”
“This place is not only confusing. It’s also confusing.”
“Someone must have reversed the ship’s polarity.”
“…..”
“You know, that one wasn’t all that bad. Who are you, and what did you do with Raja?”
“Oh, sod off.”
“So, do repair kits cost 3000 Meseta?”
“No, you can get them for free in dispenser stations in the Weapon’s Plant.”
“Wren, why are we not going down that elevator?”
“What elevator? Oh hey, is that a treasure chest out there?”
“No, there’s not. It’s a dead end, like so much else in here.”
“No, I’m sure I saw something square…ish up there.”
“Wren. It’s not there. Let it go.”
“Yes, Wren. Let go what’s not there. It’s deep, see?”
“Man, these guys love making two paths leading to the same place.”
“They must be great symmetry fans.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a really pretentious electronica band.”
“Great Symmetry coming to Motavia this year. Ecstacy not included, so bring your own.”
“This one’s for you, Wren. If only it had been a napalm sword. I mean, we’ve got laser swords and even plasma swords, right? A napalm sword should be totally feasible. It’d be full of liquid fire and stuff.”
“Napalm sword. I bet you didn’t think that’d ever show up in your dictionary.”
“Hey, it’s the return of the TV tube and the sattelite. So, what are they going to do? Kill us with low budget TV?”
“GNAAARGH WHY DID I HAVE TO ASK?!”
“AND WHY DOES THE TINY RAY DO MORE DAMAGE THAN THE HUGE ONES?!”
“That’s what she… OW… said.”
“Don’t you OW me, you high magic resistance guy, you.”
“We are the knights who say NA.”
“Oh, give it a res.”
“Wat?”
“And you think MY jokes are bad?”
“YES!”
“Hey, it’s scythe-arm, and he’s a lefty now.”
“Er… ‘piercer’? Granted, that’s kind of what you do with scythe blades, but still…”
“The name makes sense, then, doesn’t it?”
“If they had spears, sure.”
“Hey, cut me some slack here.”
“…..”
“W-wait! I didn’t mean to….”
“Oh, sure, I get the stupid-named spell, while you get the one with the cool name.”
“I be bladin’, they hatin’.”
“Well, that’s the thing with skills vs. techniques. The technique names kind of suck, while the skill names are all cool.”
“Can’t argue against that, Mr. Tandle.”
“Well, this place. It’s got.. balls.”
“…and… and they just dropped.”
“Ow.”
“Uh… yes. Yes, it is. Of course you’d know that, right? I mean… how could this possibly be just another room?”
“Well, it’s got this ominous ‘you better prepare yourselves’ feeling hanging over it. And we came here to fix stuff, right? And since when did YOU turn into Casual Carl?”
“Never mind. Just, let me gather my thoughts and…”
“A ninja?”
“Nnnno, I don’t think so.”
“I mean… just look at it. It’s hogging the entire screen.”
“That fiend.”
“No, I said candy. OF COURSE I SAID DARK FORCE! We already established long ago that we would face Dark Force! IT’S WRITTEN IN HISTORY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”
“Oh, of course. We just need to remove this… Dark Force, which somebody… uh, smeared all over the computer screen.”
“Did we bring a spatula? Because that kind of looks like the correct tool for the job here.”
“Alright, who turned off the lights?”
“Man, and just as we were about to fight a glob of Dark Force that someone casually and arbitrarily lobbed at the computer. Yeah, that sounds real freaking scary and menacing.”
“Let’s just turn it back on.”
“..eeep.”
“OH GOD TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!”
“My knees. They have been replaced with jello.”
“Kill it! Kill it with fire!”
“Can do!”
“EAT MAH BIG LOAD ‘O FIRE, YOU BIG ALIEN WANNABE!”
“Wannabe?! That thing is a huge, purple, pulsating upper body with a big, fanged piehole for a mouth. All it needs is a sign that says ‘soul goes in here’ on its chin with an arrow pointing upwards, and the sheer diaper-soiling terror of the whole thing would be flawless.”
“Man, I’ve fought nasty computer viruses before, but this is just a whole new realm of unsettling.”
“HOAAARGH GREAT SUCCEEEESS!”
“Well, don’t I feel like less of a man now.”
“You’ve always been half a man, Chaz.”
“HEY! EXPLODING HERE! DO YOU MIND?!”
“Uh… no, not at all. Don’t mind this half a man or something.”
“Wait, NOW you get tandle. Then how did I know earlier?”
“Oh great. You’ve created a time paradox. We’re doomed to… uh, to… well, continue this quest with no ill effect, I guess.”
” ‘We’?”
“OK, fine, you did most of the work. Happy now?”
” ‘MOST of the work’?”
“YES, MOST! WE DID OUR PART!”
“No, I mean… we know from history that Dark Force destroyed Parma, and history describes Dark Force as ‘a large mouth made of teeth and horror’, and ‘destroyer of worlds’. I guess my question is ‘why are you acting like such a clueless dolt about it’? Is there anything about this you think will surprise me?”
“Well… yes.”
“Surprise me!”
“Oh, fine! I’m sure there’s a really important thing we need to do before that, which prevents this big secret from blowing my mind?”
“Chaz and Rune are having a fencing match with their penises again.”
“Oh, that.”
“Heeey.”
“Ah, Zelan. Here we come. Now, we’re sure this is Zelan, right? We didn’t just fly around the planet and return to Kuran, right?”
“YES!”
“OK. Just making sure.”
“Well, I hope you feel accomplished, because my big rubbing-in-face moment is going to start now.”
“Your jokes, mostly.”
“Oh yeah? So you prefer me rubbing my… um… rubbing your failures all over your faces?”
“Well, not really, but if somebody held a gun to my face and forced me to choose between the two? Get that rubbing oil ready, Mr. Hat.”
“You’re weird.”
“Pshyeah, right. Only if we encounter a place or a quest where your presence is required, regardless of battle strength.”
*cough*
“Oh, Christ, no. This is one of those secrets you are so afraid to pass on, isn’t it?”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Wait, we use a digger to break through walls? How does that work?”
“It’s got huge multipurpose drills on the front, and those suckers can punch through anything.”
“…oh. Well, that makes sense… I guess.”
“Ah, back to the icebox.”
“We got balls… of ICE!”
“Also known as ‘blue balls’, am I right?”
“Ye-..waaaaait a second.”
“Your hat. What… what IS it with you guys and hats?”
“Our hats are a symbol of our manhood, don’tcha know?”
“That’s nice, but she’s a girl. I don’t think she cares about her ‘manhood’.”
“I think she’s on to me.”
“Oh, hell yeah. Now this is a cool vehicle. GOOO THUNDERBIRD… uh… three? Four?”
“You fail as a Thunderbirds nerd.”
“Well, that’s because I’m NOT a Thunderbirds nerd.”
“See?”
“…yes, Rune. You are SO right. Now give it a rest.”
“Oh man, did we ever hit the jackpot. I do get the tingles every time someone mentions the words ‘special product’, because that’s always worth your time.”
“Everyone’s a critic.”
“Holy… that is a BIG bird. Maybe we really DID hit the jackpot after all.”
“Looks more like the people here are fans of Pengo. With all the ice present, training the penguins here to push blocks would actually be very benificial.”
“Whaaaaat?! You… you are such… such men!”
“And you think they are?”
“Eeeh, maybe a little.”
“And you call yourself a girl?”
“I sure do.”
With Dark Force finally defeated, our heroes find themselves at a bit of a loss due to the weather still not changing. Deciding to scour the surface of Dezolis in search of answers to life and everything in it, they soon find themselves with a pretty clear answer.
“…really? That… sounds like… oh God.”
“I swear I will never make fun of people working at McTonoe ever again. It sure beats having to stare at penguinbutt all day, including when it chooses to squirt out an egg.”