Chapter 13: Grand Theft Dezolis.
“Well, the problem isn’t where we need to go, but who we have to bring with us.”
“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. I promise.”
“I doubt that.”
“Hey, do you know the main problem this group has?”
“Well… no?”
“TOO MANY LEADERS!”
“Anyway, we’ve got two new members now, so… what’s your stats, people?”
“She only loves me for my stats.”
“Come back when she’s only interested in your swings, and then we’ll talk.”
“Hmmm. I can tell we’re going to have to hold one hell of a party in two years or less.”
“Wait, you’re nearly a thousand years old? That means you were made the last time Dark Force came and made a mess out of things. So… how did that party go?”
“I don’t know. They kind of made me when there was a whole lot of cleanup to be done.”
“Wow. That sucks, dude.”
“Oh, you have NO idea. I think I spent the first couple of decades with a shovel in my hands. Or maybe my hands were shovels. I think I had detachable parts back in those days.”
“A veritable Swiss Army Wren, huh?”
“Did you have any mods that could make you turn into a plane, a submarine and a boat too?”
“No. When I saw the designs of those mods, I told my creators that anyone trying to install them into me without my express consent — which, for the record, I would never EVER give — would die from laser-in-the-face related reasons.”
“Right. Anyway, Raja?”
Yyyyeah, we’re going to have to wait quite a bit longer for your party. And it won’t be more than a tenth as impressive.”
“Hey, any party with me in it automatically becomes the most awesome party ever.”
“How the hell does that make any sense, you childish little bitch? If you don’t stop antagonizing me for no goddamn reason, I’m going to make you feel how much a slow swing hurts so much more than a fast one when knives gets rammed up where the sun doesn’t shine, because if I’m going to have to listen to your whining everywhere we go, then I’m damn well going to make sure I earn it. And give you a good reason to be a big baby to boot.”
“Oooh, FACED!”
“And you! Did you just… was that… urgh! Eli Roth called; he wants his tired catchphrases back.”
“Yes, there sure is a lot of… snow… here.”
“And it has snowed for three months? Then how come the towns aren’t completely drowned out? It’s snowing SOMEWHAT heavily, you know, which means this planet should just be a huge, white orb at this point.”
“I know one way we could solve this problem.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Make a planetwide SNOWMAN BUILDING COMPETITION!”
“……”
“I… was just kidding.”
“And that… was not a very good joke.”
“And coming from Raja, that really means something.”
“Ouch!”
“Oh, different opinions? WE MUST HAVE AN INTERNET DEBATE RIGHT NOW!”
“I’ve had a few of those. They’re highly overrated.”
“Really?”
“Yes, very.”
“No. Do I get a prize?”
“Yes, you get to hear me talk some more.”
“Weee. It’s like I lost.”
“…oh, really? Does that mean all other towns on this planet are tedious collections of gray mason buildings and sour faces?”
“Yes, kind of like what yours looks like right now.”
“Swell. That doesn’t sound like a lose-lose situation or anything, and if your jokes are any indication…”
“Yes, we can’t let these people have too much fun now, can we?”
“And you call ME an asshole.”
“So, what do people do for fun around here?”
“Whack-a-mole, huh? Well, then….”
“IN MOTHER DEZOLIS, MOLES WHACK YOU!”
“And I’m not sure what hurts the most. The whack or the joke?”
“Joke.”
“Joke.”
“Joke.”
“Heeey.”
“Nice. Now you can REALLY seize the day.”
“And do bad Robin Williams jokes.”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
“WE DO!”
“In Dezolis, enemy names make no damn sense.”
“That’s the magic of palette swapping.”
“Do tell.”
“Well, we can’t just call them all ‘scorpions’ now, can we?”
“Why not?”
“Because… uh… nobody ever thought about asking that before.”
“And we found the place we were supposed to be going to. What are the odds?”
“Pretty good. I gave you SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS, remember?”
“Yeah, you said ‘north west’. That could mean anything.”
“No, it couldn’t!”
“Know more about it? It’s a grave. Dead people lie in it. How is a gravestone any more secretive and complicated than that?”
“This might just surprise you, but lean a little bit closer. It’s a bit of a secret. You see, we….”
“WALKED!”
“Yeesh, peep down. Avalances have been started by people more quiet than you.”
“……”
“……”
“…uh..”
“We seem to have stumbled upon some kind of interstellar spacefaring sexual hippie colony.”
“Hoo boy.”
“What kind of… I just… ‘entrust that body to us’? I think we should get the hell out of this town before everyone living here get their groping groove on. Who knows what kind of dirty, marginally scandalous things go on in this town when the sun goes down.”
“Those must have been some memories.”
“What the… when I said ‘we should leave this place’, I didn’t mean ‘go and talk to the old guy’. We really should get out of here before people want to try docking their spaceships in our tender areas.”
“Oh great. And we return to the ‘fun’ town, where everything is just so amazingly funny fun fun.”
“And how.”
“Well, I can’t help you with the horns part, but if you’re looking for a girl who’s horny, I know the name of a town you could go to.”
“And by ‘normal’, you mean ‘green person with a hat’, right?”
“Well… yes. That IS the standard around here.”
“Hey, look. It’s another normal guy. Well, here comes the subnormal patrol, out to sour the drinks of assholes everywhere.”
“Oh, if only we could.”
“YOU CAN’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY!”
“I can try.”
“Well, sure, why not? I haven’t had the chance to ask meaningless questions since we visited that old perv in Dogtown.”
“You guys have got some pretty strange priorities, but at least you don’t write suggestive material on your gravestones. And if you do, SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!”
“Really? You weren’t about to say… actually, never mind. I don’t want to know, nor do I need to.”
“Well, sure, why not? It’s not like we’ll be going there or anything. Except we will be, won’t we?”
“Definitely, and don’t think I won’t remind you about it repeatedly after we’ve been to that… weather station of yours.”
“I thought you were going to go on about this AFTER we’ve been to the weather station.”
“Nope, I meant that I’ll keep doing that.”
“And… you felt the need to remind us, then, because…”
“Oh, it’s got something to do with the term… ‘rubbing it in’, or something like that.”
“Ewww. If you’re into rubbing stuff in, then we should probably go back to Tyler. I’m sure the old man is more than happy to help you with that.”
“Wha… up north? It’s ALWAYS up north. North-west, north-east or just straight north. What’s up with that, barkeep? Do you have anything in particular against northeners?”
“Hey, don’t blame me. I’m not building the damn things or choosing the sites.”
“Um… no.”
“Well, too bad, because I’m going to tell you anyway.”
“Oh, no you won’t.”
“Oh, yes I will.”
“Oh, no you won’t.”
“Oh, yes I will.”
“Oh, yes you will.”
“Oh, no I won’t.”
“Oh, yes you will.”
“Oh, no I wo… HEY!”
“Hah! Well, now you can’t.”
“Yyyyeah, that sounds likely. Did Raja tell you that?”
“Well… yes.”
“Not to rain on your parade or anything, but I question your sources, then.”
“OK, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Yes, I believe that’s what we came for, but… how would you know about this anyway?”
“Because people tend to be rather talkative when drunk.”
“Figures.”
“Wait, do you mean that perverted stone in Tyler? The one who wants us to give up our bodies to the grope patrol?”
“Yes.”
“Whyyyyy?”
“And we are back… and I’m NOT looking forward to this.”
“Well, we don’t have a choice, so suck it up.”
“If it’ll make you feel better, Chaz; we probably won’t have to go talk to the old guy again.”
“Um… why don’t you go first, Wren. You’re molest-proof, after all.”
“My hero.”
“Yes. Chaz. We kind of established that fact the last time we were here, didn’t we?”
“Sorry. I was lost and horrified enough as it were with all the touchy body-giving stuff.”
“Tyler. He’s a very hands-approach fellow.”
“Maybe THAT’S why his gravestone is full of sexual suggestions.”
“Well, as long as he doesn’t go into tetra spirits and whatnot….”
“But then it’ll move some more.”
“Yeees, that was kind of the point.”
“No, I meant; Incredible! It looks like the gravestone spread its legs.”
“……”
“RIKA! EWWWW!”
“What?!”
“Even I have to admit that was uncalled for.”
“Well, at least we’ve reached the hangar. Wait, what? ‘Hanger’?”
“Yes, so hang up your coats, ladies and gentlemen, and prepare to be touched.”
“You just had to take this in the wrong direction, didn’t you?”
“Well, we did just go into the grave of Uncle Bad Touch.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Another dimate.”
“OK, enough already. Do we really need to log every single medicine we will never use?”
“No, not really.”
“So, we’re fighting Gerotlux and… Snow Slug? Something must be wrong here, because that name was far too normal. I’m sure we could’ve fit a few more X’s in there somewhere, maybe evem put a few Z’s as well.”
“I’ll be putting up a few Z’s if you don’t shut up soon, you complete bore.”
“Heey, I didn’t aim that at you.”
“No, but I’m still the one hurting from the…. uh, badness.”
“Enough Z’s for ya, Rune?”
“Nah.”
“Well, I’ll give this to Wren, then. Shame, though, since it looks like a really good helmet.”
“Oh, bugger me sideways. How are we going to ascend THAT wall?”
“The chest have already been picked. I don’t think we need to.”
“Oh, Christ; I think we’re slowly being infected by this cave. Our sexual punnage is going to be pretty unbearable if we don’t hurry it up.”
“I don’t see a problem with this.”
“No, of course you wouldn’t.”
“Hey, know what’s better than fighting one Snow Slug?”
“Two Snow Slugs?”
“Oh, you’ve heard this one before?”
“NO, I HAVEN’T, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!”
“I can see a light ahead.”
“DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT!”
“……”
“What?!”
“I’m starting to regret wanting you to tag along now.”
“That sounds like a reference.”
“Who cares? It’s a ship. We can use it.”
“Good point.”
“I will definitely do such a thing. Those aren’t even jokes. They’re just… lines. Half of random lines, even.”
“I can tell you’re a ‘the glass is half empty’ kind of guy.”
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN… I just… never mind. Let’s just check this ship out.”
“I’ll say. It’s been preserved almost perfectly. Let’s just forget that it’s stored in a cave we can actually breathe in for a thousand years, and I’m assuming the power source is also working quite OK. Gooo future technology.”
“Nothing quite like damp caves filled with frogs and slugs for that perfect preservation.”
“See? Half empty.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Um… I need a couple of weeks for the maintenance thing. It’s a big ship, and it’s remain unused for a thousand years.”
“…..”
“Hey, this ship is even older than me.”
“Good for you.”
“Oh, hey, not only is the space ship preserved perfectly, but also the whole space station, healing patches and all.”
“Hey, if a space station can be hidden underneath Giger’s castle, why not under a very erotic gravestone?”
“But more importantly, which one would be the worst and most eldrich horror of the two?”
“I… uh….”
“Oh great. You made Wren crash. I hope you’re happy with yourselves.”
“Yeah! That was MY job.”
“Oh, so NOW we can choose to go anywhere we like… that we’ve been to before, granted, but… yeah….”
“Yes, now we can start wasting untold amounts of time doing sidequests instead of saving the whole planet, and, eventually, the universe.”
“Well told! Wren, to Motavia, full speed!”
“Roger that.”
Thankfully left without… uh, whatever sci-fi space version of “wheels”… for a very long time, our heroes can once again head off to… uh… head off evil once more. And so, they return to more important matters, post haste.
“SWEET JESUS WHIPLASH MERCIFUL JOSEPH!”
“I would have thrown up, but it went straight down into my stomach again.”
“My… my hat. It fell on the floor.”
“I’ll… pick it up for you, and… and then shove it down your throat, you irritating bastard. Or I would if I could only move.”
“Oh good. Then this would be a good time for me to do my long string of ‘knock knock’ jokes.”
“NOOOOOOO!”