Chapter 12: Home is where Dezolis.
“Oh, you’re going to ‘connect at the hip’, huh? Do the old ‘direct linkup’ thing. The ‘plug me in, skipper’. The ‘cyber-..'”
“Alright, enough already. Jeez.”
“H-hey, you can’t leave now! If you do, then I… um, when I… er….”
“What’s up, Gryz?”
“Oh, nothing. Selfish bitch grumble grumble it’ll only make ME look bad grumble grumble.”
“What’s he mumbling about, Chaz?”
“No idea. Must be a Motavian thing. The fur must’ve gotten to his head.”
“You can interrupt my top priority any day.”
“If you know what he means.”
“I’M INSIDE THE MACHINE, of course. Where the hell else did you think I was? Jeez!”
“We thought you might’ve gone out the back door. The ol’ rear entry. The hind port. Out the ass end of..”
“QUIIIIEEEET!”
“Um.. OK, but isn’t that something we’d need your help with? Last I checked, my hacking skills weren’t exactly world renowned. And I’m pretty sure Rika hasn’t completed that particular course yet either.”
“And you didn’t answer my question either.”
“Wait, you have a master? Demi, you’re 324 years old? How can you not be done with your education by now?”
“Obviously, you’ve never taken a course in filibusterism.”
“That’s for sure.”
“And why wouldn’t we?”
“Because the course is rather long. 183 years, in fact, which is why it’s only offered to androids. Hell, the final exam alone takes three years.”
“Uh… I think I’ll pass, then.”
“I could give you a short resume, though.”
“NO!”
“You know him?”
“Yeah. We used to play WoZ together.”
“Ah. Wait, WoZ?”
“Yes, World of Zelan.”
“Oh. Sounds like a timewaster.”
“Nah, it’s a relatively short game.””
“I don’t suppose that was a jab at me, Rika dear?”
“Nonono.”
“Um, no, that’s not what-..”
“We understand, Gryz. Don’t worry about it.”
“Wait, I was only going to-..”
“…take care of your family? We understand, Gryz. Just go in peace. We can handle it.”
“…you know what? You’re right. I was totally going back and not just excusing myself to go to the toilet before we head off for space. Well… bye, guys. Break a leg now.”
“No tears now.”
“Hmmm. The spaceport is some distance away from the ruins of the castle. Is the underground area that large?”
“Of course, stupid.”
“Well, at least I know a rhetorical question when I hear one.”
“Oh, do you now?”
“Ye-.. ohoho, I saw what you did there.”
“Well, we kind of stabbed their great leader to death, so…”
“I guess nobody came to the funeral either.”
“Maybe they shouldn’t have gone for an open casket funeral.”
“Well, given that he was kind of planning on having everyone die, the whole ‘not going to church’ thing isn’t the problem.”
“But we took care of the problem, so now there’s no problem anymore. So don’t worry about it.”
“Hey, it’s the return of the spaz.”
“Why, Zio. WHYYYYY?!”
“I don’t think he can hear us.”
“Um… Rune, it’s a girl.”
“Seriously?”
“Well… yes, I think so. It’s kind of hard to tell with these jokes.”
“A foot to the crotch should answer that question.”
“NOO! I’M A GUY, SO DON’T DO THAT!”
“Oh. I was wrong. Imagine that.”
“Yyyyeah, now they’re all ‘how did I get here’ when their food stamp is gone.”
“Yes, indeed. You guys have a great sense of personal responsibility, especially when it comes to taking it.”
“Taking it and shaking it, huh?”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
“Well, we’ve got places to go and people to meet, so let’s go check out that spaceship.”
“Aw, and it’s the compact version of the ship too.”
“It’s the sportscar of the spaceship world.”
“OK, we’re approaching Zelan.”
“Wow, this tiny ship has… like, five rocket engines. Or maybe seven.”
“Those tiny ones are just support engines.”
“Of course.”
“Why, I do believe we’re in space.”
“Just look at that view.”
“It’s always dark here, though. The electricity bill must be ginormous.”
“You’re such a party pooper.”
“Lots of plasma stuff.”
“Including another plasma claw. Now I can go diplasma.”
“That doesn’t even begin to make any sense.”
“And a canceller. What the hell does THAT do?”
“With this baby, you don’t have to worry about putting in the wrong order on internet stores. You can just cancel it afterwards, as long as you do it before shipping.”
“Somehow, I doubt that’s the case.”
“Yes, indeed. Were you expecting something…. smaller?”
“In fact, I was.”
“I guess you must’ve met Demi. Anyway…”
“Not to mention won the ‘android valedictorian’ award in Filibuster College.”
“And you have a heart of… uh, glowing red orb.”
“All that, and I get to entertain comedians too.”
“I think she was talking about the connection between herself and both of us. Don’t put too much thought into it, shorty.”
“Sounds like something you’d advice yourself to do more often than not.”
“Er….”
“See? Great pals.”
“…yes.”
“I plead the fifth.”
“Yeah, we kind of figured that when we didn’t have to fight anyone to get here. No progress without fights and all that.”
“That’s right, Chaz. Go ahead and jinx us.”
“See? It’s already happened. Now we have to go and fight those enemies you wanted so much.”
“Oh, don’t even BEGIN to tell me that was my fault.”
“Do those two always fight like that?”
“You have NO idea.”
“Can you fight?”
“Yes, I’m well versed in the ancient lore of firing Very Big Guns.”
“No BFGs?”
“Nope. We gotta keep the age rating to teens and older.”
“Oh. Well, VBGs are fine too. Really.”
“Well, somebody’s gonna have to say something so that things get done around here.”
“Aww. Did baby feel left out?”
“I said YOU TAKE CHARGE IF YOU CAN!”
“I HEARD that.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“It’s an audacity thing.”
“I can tell I’m going to have to install my ‘tune out’ extension before we go.”
“And it’s our only choice too. Oh well…”
“You’re going to muscle in on my ‘something is wrong’ sense too, Chaz? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
“That’s alright, Rune. I met YOUR MOM last week.”
“Um… guys. The engine room? Energy reaction?”
“Hey, YOU were the one who turned this into another penis-waving competition.”
“I was NOT! That blood is on your hands. Always.”
“Ew.”
“Man, that Tune Out extension is just fantastic.”
“So you’re one of those beings who feel they need to sacrifice themselves. At least you look more useful than those dopey cultists.”
“What are you talking about? Well, no matter. You die now.”
“Not without your wand, huh?”
“NO! IT’S MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!”
“Yeesh, OK, dude. We’ll bury you with it when we defeat you.”
“And that was as easy as any other boss we’ve fought so far, if not more so.”
“And one of us learned a spell — an UPGRADED version of a spell — that makes no sense.”
“Well, gee… what clued you in? The electricity flying all over? And why aren’t we hurt by this?”
“Because we’re not the ones who are shorting out.”
“Speak for yourself. You two overloaded my ‘tune out’ program after just thirty minutes. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.”
“Hey, I’m just swinging a sword. And that ain’t no sword damage.”
“That means this is some sword damage, Mr. Double Negative.”
“What?! Curses, foiled again.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we had a choice. Well, if possible, I would like for us to travel around the galaxy and solve everyone’s problems with a cheeky smile and a tip of the hat, but since our ENGINE IS ON ELECTRICAL FIRE, I’m pretty sure we have to choose between a crash landing and a crash landing. And possibly a crash landing.”
“It’s just like a roller coaster, but with more noise and crushed dreams.”
“There’s a first for everything, I guess.”
“And now we’re on FIRE! AAAAAAAH!”
“Wren, did you just throw your panic switch?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA-..oh, wait, I did. Well, that’s taken care of, so… never mind, I guess.”
“And crashed spaceships.”
“Ssssh. Um… oh, hatted people. We come in peace.”
“Not to mention in pieces.”
“The ship looks quite intact to me.”
“The building we landed on, however…”
“I resent that statement. I don’t do flamboyant, whatever that is.”
“Ah, but even you have to admit that this landing was worth a twirl, a lick, a grab, a grope and two snaps in the air.”
“My gun says I have to do no such thing.”
“Machines?”
“That would be the big guy, but what are YOU?!”
“A human?”
“Well, I know you are, but what am I?”
“I dunno. Wait, what?”
“Wel, I’m sorry, but I tried aiming for a less important one, but the ship being on fire kind of made control incredibly difficult.”
“Oooh, nice sarcasm.”
“We’re the Fantastic Four, of course. The horns and mechanical body is because of… uh, space radiation. Yep.”
“Yeah, why don’t you try again, shorty.”
“See?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Ears. Horns. What’s the difference?”
“Um… a lot.”
“THIS IS NOT GRAMMAR CLASS!”
“These are not the droids you are looking for.”
“Wha… I… OVERHEATING IMMINENT! MUST CALM DOWN NOW!”
“…..”
“Funny isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for. What do you say, Wren?”
*WHIRRWHIRRWHIRRWHIRRWHIRR*
“…oh.”
“Looks like his cooling fans are still working hard at cooling him down, which is kind of amazing, seeing as we landed on a frozen planet.”
“Oh hey, look who’s back. You feeling OK now?”
“Sure. I set up a few bad jokes filters that should deal with most of his quips. Anyway, this ship won’t be going anywhere, so we might as well just go find another ship. Since we HAVE interplanetary travel, there should be SOMETHING out there.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
“Um… Rika, we landed this one on its stomach. It’s not going to walk again.”
“Now isn’t that marvellously rude? I love it.”
“I’d argue that, but he called me a doll! No sympathy for that guy.”
“Oh Christ, no. I’ve got the feeling that if we do, you’ll drive us all insane.”
“And who gave YOU the authority to ‘overlook’ something like that? Which was an accident anyway?”
“Or the actions of Dark Force, so if you’re going to bill someone, bill him.”
“Rika, seriously…”
“Practical? Wren, he nearly drove you insane, and you’re an ANDROID!”
“Yes, but I’ve put on the appropriate filters now, so I should be fine. Probably.”
“So you’re fine with it now, huh?”
“No. But you told me to take charge every now and then, so since we don’t have much choice, I’ll just have to take my lumps and go with it.”
A new world, a new race of people, and, to our heroes, a new party member, they set out to find a way off this planet. Will this new party member be of any use? What secrets does he have?
“You don’t say?”
“Personally, I’m wondering why they didn’t just use that spaceship to get the hell out of here.”
“I guess we’ll find out.”