Chapter 10: Looking for wood in all the wrong places.
“Sure, we’ll beat your worm into submission.”
“Ye-..wait, what?”
“We’ll take care of his little hidden snake.”
“Ar… are you doing this on purpose?”
“Doing what on purpose? Wasn’t it you who wanted to go here and take care of business?”
“Well… yes.”
“Then we need to get busy. This gentleman here is paying us to do some proper worm-wrasslin’, so I say it’s time to get busy.”
“I don’t know about you, Gryz, but I find this hilarious.”
“If the situation weren’t so grim… sure.”
“I can see its head.”
“Stop that!”
“When going up against a worm that size, it’s best to have some protection.”
“You ARE doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
“We should probably have a dual-layer barrier up for this one. After all, we don’t know where it’s been before this.”
“Good thinking. It might be packing some diseases we don’t want.”
“And now they’re a duo comedy act.”
“Hey, I ain’t complaining.”
“Time for the hands-on approach.”
“Aaagh, you guys have run the phallic joke so far into my mind now that I can’t bring myself to hurt this thing… or even see it get hurt without cringing.”
“Then our master plan is complete.”
“Yeesh! Who is your evil overlord? Sigmund Freud?”
“BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!”
“Oh, stop whining. It’s barely doing any damage.”
“The damage to my armor might be neliglible, but the damage to my mind is irrepairable.”
“All hail Uncle Bad Touch.”
“Oh well, at least we got levels.”
“Levels and levels of levels.”
“Speak for yourself. I only got one.”
“So did all of us. Well, except Demi.”
“Is this what they call ‘two levels for the price of one’?”
“Um… not quite.”
“He’s making a ‘clean break’ and will go on to the ‘next thing’. Am I the only one who feels like he needs a shower? And some therapy?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t hear you for the big wall of text.”
“Well, at least it was over with pretty quick.”
“Time to return to the guild and get our just desserts. Huzzah!”
“Yes, it was… wait, wormS? As in ‘several worms’?”
“……”
“Uh oh.”
“I’m sure he’ll be right back growing his worms big again in no time.”
“Ye-..wait, what? You really ARE doing this on purpose.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Well, anyway, on to the next one.”
“Um… Chaz, aren’t we supposed to… oh, FIND A CURE FOR ALYS?! You know, your mentor, who is now lying deathly ill?”
“Yeah, and she’ll never let me hear the end of it if I shirk my responsibilities as a hunter.”
“Wha… seriously? She’ll bitch you out for not heading out and finding a lost dog?! What’s next? Spanking you for not climbing trees to rescue kitties?”
“Funny you should mention that. There was this time when…”
“STOPPU! I don’t need to hear the rest of that, if it’s alright.”
“And that’s all she wrote.”
“That’s it?”
“Er…. you send a request to the guild, and then you are surprised when we take the job? Why would you… never mind! Let’s just get down to business now.”
“Never mind that neither of them have told me anything even remotely useful. It’s a good thing I have an idea who this ‘Rocky’ really is.”
“And now that we know where to go, why are we here?”
“To catch a chunky dog, you need proper bait. It’s not like it can just run away on its short, stubby legs or anything. Oh, wait, it can’t.”
“Well, whatever. So, what are they selling down here?”
“Indeed. This bakery is located… OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN!”
“Yes, we had to wander off the beaten path for a full minute! How dare these people?!”
“So, shall we buy shortcake, shortcake, shortcake, shortcake, shortcake or shortcake?”
“I don’t know… it’s so much to choose from.”
“Do you want me to engage the ‘selection randomizer’? That’ll settle this in ten seconds.”
“Um… nah, we’ll just go for some shortcake.”
“Boo.”
“I dunno. Do we need shortcake?”
“Nah, shortcake will do. There’s no need for shortcake.”
“We could always get some shortcake to replace the shortcake.”
“I don’t like leftovers.”
“It’s… not here.”
“What?! Where could that dog go on those stubby legs of his?”
“Maybe the ducks ate him.”
“I… doubt that.”
“Well, that’s just great. Now we have to look in the next village.”
“Scraggly? It’s ball-shaped.”
“And curiously able to walk across dangerous deserts on those stubby legs of his.”
“Without being eaten by the wildlife, even. Which is possibly the most amazing part of all.”
“I get the feeling we might as well have left out a trail of crumbs back to Aiedo, and that would’ve worked just as well.”
“Well, yes. Or the family would get a brand new pet. Like a Locusta.”
“Well, a Locusta would probably not be as tiny and cute, but it would be a better houseguard, I think.”
“Don’t get me started on that. Someone else in Aiedo had this bright idea a couple of years ago. It caused a huge spike in deaths by way of impalements.”
“Wow, seriously? So, what happened afterwards.”
“Well, the cleaning crew complained about the mess, which lead to Locusta being banned in Aiedo, and that was the end of that.”
“Sounds like a blast.”
“The townsfolk was pretty divided on that issue.”
“You don’t say.”
“Yes, it was a perilous mission, but we braved the stubby threat head on… with the ryuka spell and some shortcake. We’ll just file that under ‘expenses’.”
“I must update my information file on ‘kids with pets’, because this is just terrifying.”
“I’m sure Rocky would agree with you. And as quick as his stubby little legs would carry him at that.”
“What do you mean ‘treatment’?”
“I refer to it as ‘little girl stampede’. Particularly dangerous when children are involved, especially girls and cute pets.”
“Totally worth it.”
“I’m seriously wondering how Alys would settle this.”
“With her slashers, most likely. And that would be no slow swing.”
“Uh… right.”
“Whuh… what?! That’s just rude! What do I have in common with that ball of fluff.”
“Um… you see… it’s like this…”
“…….”
“Let’s just abandon that train of thought, Rika. You’re only making things worse.”
“Anyway, don’t we have a quest to do?”
“WE SURE DO!”
“Oh, so NOW you’re all gung-ho about it.”
“Of course! There’s no more guild quests to do at this moment.”
“Ah, that was a good night’s rest. Now to go to the… what was the name of that tower again?”
“LADEA tower. Let’s just go already.”
“This is a tower? It looks more like a cone.”
“Or a church.”
“Yes, or a chu-..wait, what? No, it doesn’t.”
“I disagree.”
“See? Rika thinks it’s a marvel of design too.”
“This isn’t a competition. And why would you think it looks like that place we met those Zio-worshipping nutcases anyway?”
“They’re only nutcases because they don’t understand modern architecture.”
“OK, fine! Let’s just drop this.”
“Hey, you were the one who started arguing about it.”
“I know. Sorry. Drop it. Now. Please?”
“And we start out in a large, open area. Not much for structucal support, this place.”
“Like I said: genius of architecture at work.”
“GAH! Solid brick walls. This place shouldn’t be able to support itself like this.”
“Like I said… more than twice: genius of arc-.. oh, what the hell. Even my impressive protection of sense of disbelief is starting to fail.”
“I love how anything not in a city consists of elaborate labyrinths. This tower was never meant to be navigated with ease, was it?”
“Well, how else are we supposed to get into as many fights as possible. Training doesn’t just happen by itself, you know.”
“My jackass sense is tingling. A jerk must be close by.”
“I can hear you, you know.”
“Yep. And we brought a droid with us. She might even appreciate your jab against short people more than I do.”
“Indeed. Firing up the phonomezer as we speak.”
“Um… aheh. Let’s… just forget what I said, then.”
“I hear you.”
“Oh, does he ever. We’ve already wasted DAYS doing quests and raiding bonus dungeons. And now we’re going to stall even more?”
“No, what I meant was that we shouldn’t just rush blindly into this place.”
“Oh. Well, that’s disappointing. I thought you knew about more places we could raid beforehand.”
“You’re on your way to… wasn’t this what you were going to do in the first place when we met you at Dorin’s many weeks ago? And where is Dorin anyway?”
“Um… no, that wasn’t it. Dorin just wanted me to go with him and check out his collection of… uh, but never mind that. We have a wand to get to.”
“His collection of what?”
“Uh… if I know Dorin, you don’t want to know, Chaz.”
“And now that that’s settled, let’s move away from unpleasant thoughts that require brain bleach for deletion and focus on the task at hand.”
“Shake it to the left and shake it to the right, and then we get… absolutely nowhere.”
“Lovely. Is this our guide? How did you ever manage to find the medicine in the cellar tent in Tonoe?”
“Method of elimination.”
“….right.”
“Let’s hear it for Gryz, stairmaster extraordinaire.”
“Yeeeey.”
“Babysteps. That’s the secret.”
“Ahem!”
“So, how’s life in this haunt?”
“Pretty hazy, I’d say.”
“Don’t worry, though. We’re here to smoke them all out, so light up your joints, ladies and gentlemen.”
“Sweet! Now we can SHIFT into REVERse.”
“Whoa there, cowboy. Back up on that a sec. There’s no way that both spells were mastered by the same person.”
“Well, that’s what teamwork is for.”
“Star Dew? Niiiice.”
“Eh, I’d rather have a Mountain Dew.”
“What the hell is a Mountain Dew? And what does THAT do?”
“Guys, do we have to open every single chest in this tower?”
“Can’t miss all the bonus medicine, you know.”
“…right. Except NOT!”
“Looks like somebody’s been horsing around.”
“Yeesh, even I found that rather bad.”
“Even the horsemen of the apocalypse found that one in bad taste. And it looks like they’re planning to do something about it.”
“H-heey, why is he hitting ME?! I wasn’t the one who made that joke.”
“Must be the berserker rage.”
“Or maybe he’s just hoofing mad.”
“Aaaargh! No.”
“Why are there support pillars in here, when most of this place is made up of solid walls. Except… you know, the BOTTOM FLOOR?!”
“You don’t need support on the bottom floor when you’re this amazing.”
“Once again; Gryz, stai-..”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
“My chest-sense is tingling.”
“You pervert.”
“No, I meant CHEST! Like in TREASURE chest. Like in a wooden box with items or money in it.”
“Now that’s a strange fetish.”
“You’re the one putting a sexual tint onto this.”
“We’re not taking the stairs?”
“I plan on putting that off as much as I can.”
“You’re no fun at all.”
“And you’re not funNY.”
“Gryz, what are you doing?”
“I’m a bad boy and need to sit in the corner now and be ashamed of what I did.”
“Frademantl? I’m not wearing THAT. It sounds stupid.”
“I totally would. In fact, I’m foaming at the mouth over the possibility.”
“Rune, that joke was even worse than the stairmaster one.”
“Wait! My chest sense is tingling again. And SHUT UP ABOUT IT BEING PERVERTED!”
“Oh, alright.”
“A Star Dew AND a thousand Meseta. Now you can buy all the Mountain Dew you’ll ever want, Rune.”
“I’m so tired of these I could scream.”
“DON’T DO IT! IT’S JUST WHAT THEY WANT!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Man, I’m getting a feeling of deja vu here.”
“They’re here to rip us a new one. On the left side this time.”
“And the irony is; this is a healing spell.”
“How are these techniques named? By throwing darts at the periodic table?”
“Oh man, the top floor. At least it makes sense that this is a big open space.”
“And now that we’ve reached the main scene, I wonder… if the show on?”
“Let’s just grab the wand and go.”
“It’s a STAFF!”
“Staff. Wand. What’s the difference?”
“A staff is much longer than a wand.”
“Hurhur.”
“Anyway, before we enter the main stage, I need to know one thing….”
“No hidden chests? Booooring.”
“What the… we walked all around for that?!”
“That what? There’s nothing here?”
“Exactly.”
“Both of you are making no sense.”
“With magic?”
“Nope, an axe. Gryz?”
“What the… so you came here to get this staff, but you need an axe? So why would you… what is… how did you… GAH!”
“So…. you waited for Rune to get here, stand around for God knows how long while we are doing sidequests, THEN appearing here to help him get up here and bring an axe to dismantle this barrier? Yeah, that makes sense.”
“And stop stating the obvious. Also, you four are helping too.”
“Ewww.”
“Au contraire, my dear; it’s already here.”
“And now we’re facing the boss monster named by a baby. This is going to be a whole load of fun, I can tell.”
“And down he goes.”
“WHAT?! That was it? Uh… I’m glad we… how can Zio be such a threat when his minions are such pushovers?”
“And it just occurred to me, but the background wall kind of look like snakeskin. Somebody’s got excellent taste.”
“Yeah, this isn’t tacky at all.”
“See? It IS a wand.”
“OK, fine. Anyway, this… wand… only gives us a fighting chance. We still need to be very afraid of his OTHER spells.”
“But at least we can touch him now.”
“And we will all touch him in the worst ways.”
“Ewww.”
Wand in hand, our heroes can finally unravel the evil of Zio. The powers of the psycho… wand… was just what they needed, and our heroes never wondered why they didn’t just go to get it before going to Zio’s castle at all. And then…
“Are you two up to something?”
“You two look very concerned.”
“We need to go, though, you two.”
“Did you two get that?”
“Stop that!”