Chapter 1: The Great Big Living Creature Bootleg Cellar Hunter Raid.
“Well, that’s what I get for being ultra-focused on my job. Doesn’t bode well for the whole ‘finding my ass with a map and a flashlight’ thing.”
“Monsters, you say? Well, I’m sure those will be really tough ones for my level 1 self. Way out of the league of complete weenies like yourself.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk. When was the last time you went outside of your room? Huh?”
“…..”
“Didn’t think so. Yeah, I bet that any time I choose to return to this town, I will find you here in your room. Always.”
“No buts, or yours is going to hurt if you don’t stop complaining. Work first, play later. That’s always been how we do things.”
“Ah, the Principal! He will give me tee pee.”
“Yes, he.. what? What are you talking about now?”
“Nothin’. Juuust entertaining myself in preparation of the long-ass talk we’re about to have.”
“And what makes you think we will be chatting a long time.”
“He’s a scolar, Alys. It’s what they do.”
“NO INTERRUPTIONS! How rude. Anyway….”
“Wh.. who in the name of… how was I… what the hell is going on?”
“Told ya.”
“HarRUMPH! Anyway…”
“And.. ah… I’m… ah… I think I’m… ah… getting a little… ah… a little bit too… ah… dry in the roof of… ah… of my mouth.”
*glug glug* “Aaaah, that’s better.”
*FACEFAULTS*
“You have GOT to be…”
“Now, if there will be NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS. Interruptions lead to clearing of throats, which lead to dry swallows which lead to the need to drink water, which lead to having to take time out of my conversation. So STOP TALKING!”
“No reward is worth this.”
“Now, now. Let’s be professional about this.”
*sigh* “Fine! Just…”
“Not nearly dearly enough.”
“Yeah, this guy is totally not hiding anything or… well, anything.”
“‘Interesting’ is hardly the word I’d choose, but eh, it doesn’t matter. We have to get to the bottom of this. Literally.”
“Let’s ask around some more first, though.”
“Who? The Principal? Yeah, we kind of got that impression ourselves.”
“I have to admit I’m kind of disappointed myself. Especially if what you say is true, because man, is this one tiny rink-a-dink town in the middle of nowhere. There aren’t even any decent shops in this place.”
“This presumably being what happened a thousand years ago. Yeah, it’s not like those freaking bells and candles haven’t been a constant reminder or anything.”
“Doctor WHAT?! Chaz, are you pulling my leg?”
“Nope. This is indeed Dr. He-Who-Was-Unfortunately-Named.”
“Also, I believe, known as Dr. Completely-Invulnerable-Against-Surprise-Buttsecks.”
“He had a lot of people working under him at all times, and was known to encourage everyone getting behind him during his… excavations.”
“He’s quite choosy about who gets to be on top, though.”
“Their slogan ‘Always Prepared’ takes on a whole new meaning now, huh?”
“I saw a whole lot of miniature versions of these statues in the gift shop. At the time, I thought they were meant to be put on your shelves, but now I’m starting to think they were meant to be put somewhere else.”
“Alright, I think we’ve amused ourselves enough. It’s time to move on.”
“Um, but… you didn’t even hear him out. How would you know?”
“He’s got a ‘life sucks’ poster on his wall. And that’s why I’m getting out of here before he thinks I’m asking him to elaborate.”
“Hey, so there ARE fratboys in this place. Boy, do I stand corrected.”
“And I call this ‘the great big yawn’.”
“I call that big, comfy chair in the corner. Let me know when you’re done.”
“Not when you can go outside and kill, kill, kill.”
“Um… Alys, I don’t think that’s gonna help these guys much.”
“Um… Sir, what the hell are you doing?”
“No, really… why?! And don’t get me wrong; you seem to be the only guy here who isn’t content with sitting in his room and whining about it, but I’m still calling your fighting abilities into question.”
“Well, in that case, I’ve got news for you: Birth Valley isn’t in this cellar.”
“I know THAT.”
“Then why are you here looking like you’re about to fail the ‘how to get through a door’ exam? Man, I thought you people here at Piata were smarter than that, at least. No wonder we’re screwed.”
“Har har, aren’t you a laugh and a half. Anyway, I was just here to try and get to the bottom of this — um, figuratively, that is. I was hoping I could find something down here to pressure him into giving me information about Birth Valley.”
“And I mean that literally. I enter, and he runs outside, screaming and flailing his arms.”
“And yet he had the balls to talk to us. Now I just feel insulted.”
“Well, it was kind of hard to miss his panicky expression and him almost literally going ‘STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! GO DOWN THERE AND KILL EVERYTHING!”
“Yes, I… heard. Sometimes, I feel ashamed about being a part of this academy.”
“And yet, here you are.”
“Well, I do enjoy the weekend casual activity programs.”
“OK THAT WAS MORE THAN I NEEDED TO KNOW LET’S JUST GO!”
“Doctor Lube strikes again.”
“Well, it’s not like that was a whole lot of money. Jeez.”
“I know. That’s why I… uh, never mind.”
“This is indeed a cellar.”
“At least it’s not a sewer.”
“Small blessings.”
“What the hell was that?!”
“What is it?”
“I thought I saw something big and fleshy and lumpy run off into the dark.”
“That must be what you were sent down here to fight.”
“Well, I would, if they would just approach me. This doesn’t really do much to instill what little faith I had in these… professors.”
“I don’t even know what to make of these medicine names. ‘Monomate’… is that some kind of masturbation euphemism or something?”
“I… uh, no comment.”
“Just be glad you weren’t with us when we were taking a look at the bust outside.”
“At least these guys are willing to fight us. Are these two enemies or four?”
“Um… two. Technically.”
“They look like conjoined twins. Meet Lumpy and Stumpy.”
“Um… Miss Alys, you may want to watch out. I think it’s going to…”
“Ewww.”
“That thing is SO dead. Oh, hey, it tastes like Blackcurrant.”
“I hope you won’t mind if I decide never to try that for myself.”
“The fact that this is a dimly lit cellar might also play some part in that.”
“Good point.”
“Well, here we go. I think these are the same kind as the one who ran away when we came down. I recognize the lumpy, fleshy shape, the insect legs and the danglybits underneath.”
“‘Xanafalgue’? Why not just call it ‘Giant Tick’? There’s no need to make up something just so that you can use it and score big in Scrabble.”
“Hey, Hahn, what’s the name of that spell you’re casting there?”
“Wat.”
“The name of that spell.”
“Wat.”
“The name! Of that spell.”
“And I’m telling you: wat.”
“So tell me.”
“Wat.”
“The name of the spell.”
“Wat.”
“The spell you just cast.”
“WAT!”
“THE NAME OF THAT SPELL!”
“And I just TOLD you.”
“Told me what.”
“Yes.”
“Yes? Is that the name of the spell? That’s… weird.”
“No, no, no. Wat is the name of the spell I just cast.”
“THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING!”
“If you two don’t stop this comedy routine right now, I’m going to shoot the both of you.”
“But I still wanted to know the name of that spell.”
“And I told you: wat.”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
“But…”
“I just….”
“See those stairs? Go down. And shut up about spells and watnot.”
“Oh great, now you’re doing it too.”
“Don’t make me repeat myself!”
“And we’ve reached…. more cellar.”
“This building is two stories tall and you also give it two floors of cellar?”
“Well, we ARE in the middle of a desert region. Better to have a proper foundation than to just build high into absurdity.”
“Ah, good point.”
“Both Xanafalgue AND Zoran Bult. Try saying that ten times fast.”
“Murder first, THEN tongue-twisters.”
“Wait, what? A medicinal item with a normal name? Well, that’s just unheard of. The least you could do is give this liquid a name that gives us absolutely NO indication about what it does.”
“Oh, joy. More stairs leading down. That means this place has at least three floors underground. You guys just LOOOVE your Fort Knox, don’t you?”
“How should I know? I’ve never been down here.”
“You’ve studied here, become a professor here, and you’re telling me you’ve never been down here?”
“Well, um…. no.”
“That calls for a ‘wow’, methinks.”
“It is…. THE BOTTOM FLOOR!”
“No, I meant these lumpy flesh-things in the glass containers. Are you by any chance bio-engineering mutant ticks down here? Why would you DO that?!”
“Well, I wouldn’t know for sure, but…. science?”
“Sometimes, I think science needs a slap on the back of its head. This is one of those times.”
“Oh dear God, what’s that thing in the back there?”
“It looks like someone did a genetical crossing between a Kappa and an octopus.”
“Apparently, science didn’t think the Kappa had enough tentacles.”
“It’s not particularly aggressive, though. We can just walk up to it, and it does nothing.”
“Well, uh… so, what do we do now?”
“Try talking to it.”
“OK, that did not go over so well. Maybe we should just have left it down here to its own devices.”
“At least it’s keeping to the whole ‘lumpy flesh pile’ motif. I’d hate for something down here to not look like things that make people cry themselves to sleep.”
“Well, at least Big Brother Chtulu isn’t down here too. That might’ve made our work harder than it needed to be.”
“Let me just cast ‘Saner’. Which might help us not go crazy, or it might do something completely different.”
“First Heart and now Earth. I’m going to accidentally call Captain Planet into this world, aren’t I?”
“Well, we are talking about the enviroment here. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to bring another person in here who has no idea what the hell he’s talking about.”
“Except if I know Captain Planet right, he’s going to try to pretend that he does.”
“And then there’s the puns. Good Lord, the puns…”
“So, what are you casting now?”
“It’s a spell called ‘Gelun’.”
“Gelun, huh? So, what does it do?”
“…dunno.”
“I… see.”
“Vortex and Wat, together at last.”
“If only we could combine them, we could make a Wattex.”
“That sounds like a wristwatch brand.”
“Well, at least we’d know what time it is.”
“Why me? Oh, my aching head.”
“And we won. It’s so nice to see monsters with the decency to carry the local currency. All monsters should have some way of paying us back for wandering around and indiscriminately murdering them. That’s only fair.”
“And still you charged me a 100 Meseta to follow you down into this pit?”
“Well, yes, but you’re getting your share of the loot, so I don’t see what you’re complaining about.”
“OK, you know what? Never mind.”
“Aheh, it… it sure looks like that, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, well, apart from the broken incubation chambers… and the fact that there’s only seven of them down here, which doesn’t explain the sheer amount of monsters, since apparently some time is needed for them to mature. And some of the chambers are broken, which reduces the production capacity even more. But if we wave aside that logic; yes, it sure does.”
“But… that doesn’t make it sound like you believe me at all.”
“True… true….”
“But… but… my swing.”
“Moan about that later. Just swing it and let’s go.”
“OK, NOW you’re really hurting my feelings.”
“Ah, daylight agOHGODMYEYES!”
“Mental note: take some time for the eyes to adjust. God, this is like waking up at night and going straight into the bathroom.”
“Augh, why didn’t I just operate the sun right into my eyesockets while I was at it?”
“Taking the tour of the cellar?”
“Lots of uncivilized stuff going on down there.”
“Yes. Please understand that most of the students here haven’t even SEEN boobies before.”
“And given his slack-jawed, wide-eyed stare, this guy’s one of them.”
“Then my work here is done. Let’s go.”
“That’s my Alys. She doesn’t mess around.”
“You don’t say.”
“Well… not often, anyway.”
“Waaah, let me go this instant.”
“I don’t think so. You better talk, because I’ve got some boobies, and I’m not afraid to use them.”
“That’s my boy.”
“I wonder why the people here in this University is so adverse to breasts.”
“Well… *cough* …most of them are… uh… more or less direct descendants of…. um….”
“I… get your point. Say no more.”
And so, through the powers of curiously unwanted pressure, our dear hunters Alys and Chas — not to mention Hahn — were about to get the explanation they wanted. Whether it would bring light to this mystery…. that remains to be seen.
“TL;DR!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One thing at a time, my dear Principal. All this verbal diarrhea isn’t helping anyone.”
“I KNEW it was a bad idea to threaten him with boobies.”