Chapter 8 – Harem quotas and secrets.
“Moooom. You told me that the last time we dropped by.”
“Well, you should always listen to your mother.”
“That’s… not the point, mom.”
“Oh yeah! Finally, we’re getting somewhere.”
“We sure are. Back to where this all started.”
“Hey, I haven’t been there. Don’t ruin it for me now, ya hear?”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure the cyborgs have already done a good job at that.”
“Ahahahaha, you’re right.”
“…..”
“Hey, wait! That’s no laughing matter!”
“Well, obviously, it’s not this cave.”
“Figures! Not going to be that easy, huh?”
“I’m sure we don’t have THAT far to go, Ayn.”
“Oh, Thea… ever the optimist, aren’t you?”
“…especially when you’re right.”
“Yaaay.”
“Finally some cheer on this journey.”
“Hmmm. Thea in a cheerleader outfit? Do want!”
“What?! Not a chance, you perv.”
“I’m sad now.”
“Well, tough luck. I don’t mind cheering you people up, but I’m not putting myself in embarrassing outfits just so that you can give me the booby eyes.”
“Ah, the familiarity of new surroundings.”
“You have a knack for making sense when you’re not making any sense. Keep that up, my good man.”
“It’s the milking bots, now with Comsats. What the hell do they need satellites for? And why the hell are they on the ground?”
“VERY low Earth orbit?”
“So low, it’ll sweep you off your feet.”
“Gah! It’s a dead end. Again.”
“But such a spacey dead end. Shall we take a break here?”
“Yes, let’s all pitch our tents and have a picnic.”
“You’re being sarcastic now, aren’t you?”
“Nonono. Not at all, Princess.”
“My dad is bigger than yours, you know.”
“He is not!”
“You are both idiot children.”
“Heyhey, I hit the jackpot. It’s a… Force Sword? Isn’t that kind of redundant?”
“Well, you know what they say.”
“What?”
“That the Force is mightier than the Sword?”
“Who’s writing your dialogue?”
“I, me and myself.”
“…never mind.”
“Hmm. A claw this time. I think I’ll let you have this one, Mieu.”
“Thank you.”
“Well, you know what they say.”
“That the claw is mightier than the sword?”
“Oh, so you HAVE heard it before?”
“No, I… *sigh* …never mind. Just… don’t go there.”
“Well, there’s the stairs, but… that’s a chest over there too. Hmmm. Freedom or loot. It’s a tough choice.”
“Oh, just go for it. You know you want to.”
“I was actually referring to the stairs, but… never mind.”
“It’s a Force Knife this time.”
“Well, you know what they say.”
“SHUT UP!”
“Well, here we are, at the ol’ fatherlands. Looks all the same as any other region to me.”
“Any?”
“OK, fine, so it doesn’t look like Aridia. Sue me.”
“Way ahead of you. In fact, I’m on wireless communication with my lawyer right now.”
“You’re… kidding, right?”
“Nope.”
“What… the HELL is that?”
“Polebot?”
“Niiice. All we need now are the Poledancer bots.”
“The what?”
“Look. Its balls are hanging between its legs.”
“Which is probably the reason why it’s walking like a cowboy.”
“Will you stop that!”
“LOOK OUT! IT’S ATTACKING US BY… uh… telling us fishing stories?”
“I caught a fish, and it was THIS big.”
“Or maybe it’s trying to point us in a direction, but it can’t make up its mind which one.”
“…..”
“Boys.”
“Now, this place I remember.”
“We don’t.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t. You’ve never been here. I just thought I’d see if the pervert with the boat is still here.”
“Um… why would you want to do that?”
“It’s very quiet here.”
“And empty.”
“Oh, come on. Surely SOMEONE will still be wandering aimlessly outside in this here town.”
“Apparently not.”
“Well, let’s just head off to my father’s old homestead. No point in delaying it any further when there’s nobody here.”
“So… why is the gate closed? You’d think they would be happy to see us or something.”
“I’m not so sure about that. Lena was pretty sore about not being chosen by Rhys.”
“Wait, what? But didn’t father go through all that trouble because he wanted mother? Why would he turn around at the last second.”
“Didn’t make any sense to me either, but apparently she put her faith in the powers of childhood friendship or something like that.”
“…right. Well, let’s just find another way in, then. Surely this castle must have a secret entrance like all other goddamn castles that have ever existed.”
“OK, so how the hell did we even KNOW the stairs down to the jail were here? Have any of you been here before?”
“Not really.”
“Can’t say I have.”
“This was before my time as well.”
“Hand of God?”
“Just go down there already.”
“Alright, the last time we went into a jailhouse area, we found Thea. Do you think there’s any chance we’ll meet any pretty chicks in here?”
“Given how this place treats its women, it wouldn’t surprise me if we did.”
“Oh, pfft. The only people the Orakian throw in jail are their Princes. Just ask my father. He always threw me in prison whenever I behaved even slightly badly.”
“I would call ‘burning down the west halls’ and ‘poisoning all the horses’ more than just ‘slightly bad’.”
“I was three.”
“And that’s the real scary part.”
“We…. are being attacked by a small group of rice cookers.”
“Did we bring any eggs?”
“I don’t know whether to slash them with my claws or call TV shop and order my own set.”
“A Monomate isn’t going to do much at this point. Even I have a three-digit HP count.”
“We’ll just sell it and spend all the money on hats.”
“Is it that time of…”
*THWACK*
“…ow! What did I do?”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“That’s what I would like to know.”
“You even need to ask? I’m in a good mind to let you fight her on your own.”
“Oh, ho. I get your drift. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t mind going one-on-one with her.”
*THWACK*
“Ow! What?!”
“Yeah, well… don’t mind me.”
“Hey, she’s got comsats with her. Is SHE the source of the android attacks?”
“Logical, but… no.”
“And how would you know?”
“Because then this generation would be over much too early. And we wouldn’t have to backtrack all the way back to that eastern region.”
“You’re right, and I hate you for it.”
“Ooh. She’s a tsundere. I love how she uses the Topaz as an excuse to come along.”
“Don’t flatter yourself or anything. It’s not like I’m coming along because I like you or anything.”
“You’re hot for me and you know it.”
“I’d rather sleep with the cyborg.”
“Um… really?”
“I meant the female one.”
“…….”
“They’re…. drooling.”
“Let’s just leave them behind.”
“Um… Sari, before we go, could I please check one thing?”
“Well… sure. What is it you want to check out?”
“Amazing. This is where it all started. But you STILL haven’t refilled the treasure chests? What kind of jail is this anyway?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“This just in: Landen STILL hasn’t figured out how to do castle pathways properly.”
“That’s just my mom. She kept it like that to have something to remember him by.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. That way, she wouldn’t have to feel so bad about Rhys choosing Maia.”
“Uh… right.”
“By the way, Sari, I love those stats of yours. Are they all natural?”
“Yes, sir. And from what I can see, they outstrip yours by a pretty good margin.”
“Heey, I’ll have you know that you’re…”
“…completely right. Oh boy, do I feel like less of a man now.”
“And she’s just level 1 as well. This is not going to do my male pride circuits a lot of good.”
“Oh, but you’ve got such a big CANNON, you big stud, you.”
“Aheh. Yeah, well, I…”
“Aw, look at the great, big death bot. He’s so cute when he’s flustered.”
“Personally, I’m weirded out, but that might be my dented male pride talking.”
“Oh, well… back to backtracking, because there’s no way we’re all tired of that, right?”
“Not at all.”
“Hey, who asked YOU, NOOBIE?!”
“Hey, there’s no reason for you to get angry at me. Just because I’m beautiful and have a whole lot more HP than you.”
“That’s a nice set of stones you got there, buddy.”
“Oh yes, they’re great for entering damp, wet caves… if you CATCH MY DRIFT!”
“This… it’s… got to be some kind of Orakian gene or something. You don’t see this kind of dirty mind often.”
“Hey, I resent that comment.”
“Um… well…”
“We’re not stopping here?”
“Nah. They don’t have anything new to tell us anyway.”
“They’re stuck in the eighties.”
“Yes, the-..wait, what?”
“Nice… floor.”
“You’ll get used to it.”
“They use green energy in this place.”
“…..”
“You’re right. This place DOES look like Landen.”
“And my homeland.”
“That was after the big freeze, though. Because some moons weren’t flying in the right direction or something.”
“No, that was just the path overseas. The whole Fimbul winter thing was just due to a machine.”
“I wonder if we’ll ever find out what’s up with that?”
“By the power of… um…”
“Grayskull?”
“Naw, too… heterosexually ambigious.”
“That’s not much of a compliment, you know.”
“I’ll say.”
“Alright, off to Techna we go.”
“The people in the last city we visited said we had to go to the southeast. Which means down this penis-y peninsula here.”
“He also said we had to take a boat. Do we even HAVE a boat?”
“Or maybe a dragon?”
“Um…”
“Well, that’ll do, I guess.”
“That’ll be nice, because it’s not like we could swim over that short distance. Or hell, even just do the short jump.”
“I can’t. I’m wearing heels.”
“Well, there you go. Wait, heels?”
“Yes, and they’re VERY uncomfortable to go cross-countrying in.”
“But why would you… in.. what… why?!”
“Because I’m a Princess.”
“Of course.”
“Aaand we’re over. That was quick. Say, you feeling OK, there, dragon?”
“Hey, it’s a man.”
“And WHAT a man.”
Alas, such a turn of events. Who can tell what secrets this dragon has to share. What happened those many years ago when it swooped down to steal away a bride and start an event that would influence people even up to this day.
“…yeah, Lyle. We knew.”
“Even Rhys knew.”
“What? How?”
“Well, it’s kind of obvious, isn’t it? She is kidnapped, and the next time we see her is first in your castle, and then in your uncle’s?”
“Kids today…”