Chapter 7 – Jailbreak schmailbreak.
“Father… I know you wanted me to follow in your footsteps, but this is just ridiculous. I do NOT want to spend my entire heroic quest chasing after girls.”
“Now there’s my rude son.”
*mutter* “He’s also less of a pain than you at your best.” *mutter*
“Ah, those were the days.”
“Well, he’s gone bye-bye.”
“Look out, everyone. Here comes the guilt-trip brigade.”
“Well, it could have been worse.”
“Yeah, I could have thrown you in jail just for THINKING of going outside, just like my father did.”
“Oooo-kay, I don’t think I want to hear about your personal issues, dad.”
“Whatever! At least talk with Lyle before you go.”
“Fine!”
“Alright, already. Christ, it wasn’t like I was planning on abandoning her or anything. I swear… just because someone voiced his opinion loudly…”
“Well, that’s just how it goes. Now, don’t let me hold you back or anything.”
“Are you sure? The guilt-trip brigade would probably appreciate if you laid it on me some more.”
“Nah. I’d appreciate it if you laid some on my daughter, though. Being a grandfather sounds pretty nice.”
“You dirty old man. I like your style. However, Thea and I are childhood friends. It’ll never work out. I mean… haven’t you heard about the Westermarck effect?”
“Oh well, time to go. Don’t want to linger here when I’ve got a lot of back-and-forth to travel.”
“East it is, then.”
“Alrighty, let’s head in and TEAR ASS!”
“I… what… was that a pun?”
“Hey, grant me some fun on this tiresome journey.”
“OK, fine!”
“Hello, glass floor dungeon. I guess I’ll be seeing more of you in the future. Frequently.”
“Oh, like you’ve got a cause for complaint.”
“We’re being attacked by… robot chickens. Am I supposed to be amused by this?”
“Well, you could always focus your attention on Bubba ‘n Stix there. Take your mind of the chickens for a while.”
“Oh, it’s a looong waaaay… to Chirperaaaatyyyy, it’s a looong waaaaay toooo hooome….”
“Urgh! Even my automated voicebox can’t handle singing this off-key.”
“Were you saying something, Mieu? I switched off my audio sensors.”
“Good idea.”
“WHAT?! Speak clearly so that I can read your lips.”
“Force Ribbon? Hell, no. I ain’t wearing that girly stuff.”
“Who said you had to, idiot? Just give it to me.”
“Ah aaah. You didn’t say the magic word?”
“‘Give me that ribbon or die, stupid’?”
“That’s seven words. And no.”
“Yes, surely someone must have thought: ‘you know what this needlessly complicated pathway with glass floors and lethal drops needs? Walls!’ And lo and behold, it was so.”
“And there was much rejoicing.”
“I ain’t takin’ no shot, especially one made of laser.”
“Don’t worry about it, Ayn. I’ll take it.”
“You’re a braver man than I, my friend.”
“What are you two idiots talking about? It’s a gun.”
“Which is why I asked for it.”
“And I gave it to him. What’s the problem?”
“Nothing. Just… nothing. I’ll be switching off my ears again now, so I hope you won’t be needing me for anything else but enemy stabbings.”
“That was, again, relatively short and pointless. And to think I have to walk these stairs two more times….”
“Swell. Another town that looks completely identical to every single other town we’ve been to. Let’s go somewhere else.”
“Ayn, we have a princess to rescue, and it doesn’t bother you that she’s here?”
“Nope.”
“And why is that?”
“Because the gate is closed, so we need to find some obscure and bizarre way of entering.”
“Of course.”
“OK, so our opponents for the fight are a doomfly with a winding key stuck up its ass and a ‘Dogbot’. The big robot actually casts an intimidating shadow, though…. that is, until you learn its name.”
“Maybe it’ll scare your pants off when it attacks.”
“Maybe.”
“Oooor maybe it’s just making suggestive motions with the… uh, I hope that’s a sword.”
“It’s even waving at us to come closer.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m already fed up with Mieu jabbing me in the ass-cheeks with her claws, and I sure don’t want anyone else to take up that position.”
“And here we are, see? That’s a town.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“See? I TOLD you she was in the other castle. And here I thought you hated backtracking.”
“Let’s just call it ‘learning from mistakes’.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it. Oh, wait… no, I don’t.”
“Oh, nice. You might as well just have named it ‘Edoras’ in the first place.”
“Where in the what now?”
“That’s nice, except…. WE ARE NOT GOING THERE!”
“Are you sure, Ayn. I mean… it would be a shame to leave that be when you’ve come all the way up here to this place. I mean, you DO so love backtracking.”
“You don’t SAY?! Well, it was a good thing I didn’t just go into that first town there when I had the chance. Go psychic me.”
“OK, so that’s it? We can go back now? Save the princess?”
“OK, OK.”
“And the gate is indeed open. Let’s invite ourselves in.”
“What? No King and Queen? This must be….”
“Yes?”
“…ANARCHY!”
“Uh… no!”
“Hey, look. It’s the dungeons. That’s just what has been missing in this generation so far.”
“Well, they DID take her prisoner? What did you expect? A harem?”
“That would be nice. Unless it’s a reverse harem, in which case count ME out.”
“And we’re going up again? What the…”
“What are you complaining about? This isn’t the first tim-..oh, wait. It IS your first time, the key word being ‘your’.”
“Yeah, yeah. You can stop waving your dungeon-explorer penis around now.”
“There are so many ways that sentence could be interpreted, I’m not even going to bother. I’ll say this, though; your father would be proud, dirty bastard that he was.”
“It’s… a garden.”
“With stairs just… going down.”
“Hey, buddy. Glad to see you with us again.”
“Yeah, I just turned on my hearing circuits again. Did I miss something?”
“No, not really.”
“I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“These stairs do not frighten me, for I am… THE STAIRMASTER!”
“As opposed to the jailmaster.”
“I just wish we could meet him so we can stab him and take his keys.”
“We have blue robo-chickens and pink robo-chickens. Is this some sort of ‘guess the gender’ contest?”
“No, must be some kind of ‘stop dragging your feet’ competition. And we can’t afford to lag behind, Ayn. Hut hut hut hut…”
“Wait, wait, wait. Let me at least beat up that thing in the background with one of its own legs.”
“Well, hey now. We finally have a cell door in sight. Looks like we can finally get out of this place soon.”
“But not soon enough. That moment passed quite some time ago.”
“Pffft, there was only a chest inside. But wait, here’s another gate.”
“This better not turn into some kind of sick, unlimited gate trap. Because that would just ruin my day.”
“Nope! There she is.”
“Great. Then go get her, you dope.”
“Aww. You won’t even let me savor the moment?”
“But Ayn, how can you savor something when you have sharp weapons jammed up where the sun doesn’t shine?”
“You bring up an interesting argument.”
“Well, you sure don’t waste any time. ‘Right away’, huh?”
“Of course. What kind of idiot would want to linger here anyway?”
“Horrible ones that don’t care about their travelling companions.”
“OK, OK, jeez. You don’t have to spell it out, you know.”
“YES, I DO!”
“Um… guys?”
“Well, here we are again. I’m sure this must feel familiar to you too, Thea.”
“Nope. This is my first time walking these stairs.”
“Wh-whaaat? But how did you get here in the first place?”
“I was unconscious for most of the journey. Yep, I basically woke up in my jail cell.”
“You… LUCKY… bastard!”
“What?!”
“Idiot!”
“Wahey, some paydirt at last.”
“A helmet? You consider that paydirt? Then what about me?”
“I can’t very well wear you on my head now, can I?”
“You.. what? How…”
“Get used to it, Thea. Because it ain’t gettin’ any better.”
“…if I walk back to my cell from here, I might make it back before they notice I’m gone.”
“I feel for you. I truly do. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to suffer this all on my own. So no ‘go to jail, do not collect 500 Meseta’ for you.”
“Oh, phooey.”
“Well, it’s a good thing that I’m wearing my white summer dress. How are you holding up, Ayn?”
*gasp, wheeze, pant* “Urgh, durgh, haaargh.”
“Doesn’t that make me feel all better?”
“Thea, you are very, very evil, and I think I love you.”
“The cyborgs of Hazatak are set on A-B repeat.”
“The cyborgs of Hazatak should talk more about swords.”
“The cyborgs of Hazatak should tell you to shut the hell up.”
“Mieu, that’s no fuuuun.”
“Yes, we know. You told us that the last time we passed by. And I’m sure you’ll tell us again too.” *sigh*
*grumble* “The least they could do was to dig another, more direct path inside. Why do we have to walk around the whole damn thing? It’s just silly.”
“Uh… thank you, little boy.”
“Yes, you told us THAT too, quite some time ago. But he’s not dead yet, is he?”
“Ayn, I swear… you can be so tactless some times.”
“I resent that. Anyway, I just had an idea. We could always start a ‘how long will Lyle last’ betting pool.”
“….”
“And just as I think you can’t sink any lower, you throw a shovel of dirt in my face.”
“And, once again, they forget all about us. I mean, what did WE do? Aside from aiding all the generations so far through every step they’ve taken.”
“I’ll say.”
“And I’ll argue.”
And with that, our heroes are back where they started, though one member richer at that. The path to where this all started now lies before them, and not their generation’s start, but the start of the very stone that rolled down the mountainside and started an avalance. As they prepare to leave, Ayn faces his father, ready to listen to everything he has to say.
“That’s… it?”
“Yep.”
“No words of wisdom for the road ahead?”
“Nope.”
“Nothing?”
“Nope.”
“What… what kind of a father are you?”
“Well, I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. Besides, it’s not like I haven’t been there for fifteen years or anything. Yeah, I’m sure everything has remained the same, despite Landen being under the rule of Lena, who isn’t exactly known for her diplomatic skills. I reckon you might have to hopscotch over a few craniums and ribcages on your way.”
“Lovely. Just… just lovely.”