Chapter 5 – I’m sorry, but the Princess is in this castle.
“What’s this? A new place I’ve never been to before? Nope. It’s the same damn cave I’ve been going through again and again ever since we came here. Do I get a refund for this glaring error in my tour schedule?”
“Nope, but you DO get a reassurance that we don’t have to pass through here again.”
“Really? Like, REALLY really?”
“…probably.”
“GRAH!”
“I AM starting to appreciate these boat trips, though. The seawater is doing wonders for my circuits and hardware. Whoever started the whole thing with cyborgs being good luck charms for sailors had to be one sadistic bastard.”
“Well, it’s not that humid caves are such a neat idea either. Whoever ordered me to stand around there waiting for years on end is going to be on the receiving end of one of my steel boots up his cornhole.”
“Right? And I had to stand around at the edge of a lake and stare at it foreeeeever.”
“You’re right, Mieu. Watching other people’s suffering CAN be entertaining.”
“What?! There’s still nothing here? Fat lot of good that long journey to the center of the earth did! What a big waste of…”
“…time.”
“You were saying?”
“Nothing. That’s very…. Freudian. We’re walking over on that?”
“Yep.”
“Whooo, well, here we are. This is it, huh? The last town. The final confrontation. The place where I’m finally meeting up with my main squeeze. Right?”
“Sure thing. So go right in there, you colossal dope.”
“Well, I’m insulted over the fact that people living in a town with such a silly name are insulted by anything I do. And I don’t want just her hand. I want her ALL! MOUHAHAHAHA!”
“You just HAD to make him cry, didn’t you?”
“Well, for all I know, he might’ve been the one who raided MY wedding and made off with MY bride. I haven’t forgotten THAT, let me tell you.”
*cough* “Right.”
“How about handsome Orakians? Dashing Orakians, maybe? Or BRAVE Orakians.”
“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind that. Which is why you should do the polite thing and step aside when such a person arrives. OK, Rhys?”
“Oh, Mieu, your words wound me deeply.”
“Really? Then why were we at war? Mind explaining that, huh? Miss. ‘Kill No Living Thing’? I bet you forgot all about that, huh?”
“Actually, that’s kind of your fault, since you didn’t consider us to be ‘living things’, at least not on paper. That’s how it became much easier for the Orakian royalty to send us off to war.”
“…right. Much egg in face for me, I guess.”
“Not nearly enough.”
“Well, would you look at that. And I suppose we’ll find our castle entrance here?”
“You are correct, sir. Now, dive in.”
“Wait, wait, wait. ALL of the fountains lead to the dungeon? Good lord, why?!”
“You expect us to make it simple? Rhys, you are seriously underestimating the Layan people’s need to screw with the heads of the Orakian people.”
“Not to mention my feet. These boots ain’t made for walking, and we’ve been doing a LOT of walking these past days.”
“We COULD have taken a rest at the inn before doing all this, you know. It’s not like the Layans are going to murder their own princess or anything.”
“Well, no, but…”
“I think we’ve entered the realm of the abstract. I mean… the blob enemies I can at least understand, but the… green… labyrinth… things! What do they do? How do they even exist? What are those balls floating around their… heads? NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ANY SENSE!”
“If you think that’s bad, just wait until we get into the backyard.”
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”
“Did I mention how much I miss just walking along massively long prison hallways? Because Jesus, we’re really spoilt for choice here. Do I take insanely long hallway #1 or insanely long hallway #2? What’s the difference between them?”
“Well, with one of them, you get some stairs, while with the other you get a dead end and and earn the right to curse the miserable existence of your life.”
“Lovely. At least one of those options sounds somewhat appealing.”
“Oh, noes. I missed out on the whole ‘cursing your life’ thing. Whatever shall I do?”
“Well, we could always just head back and check out that other hallway. Who knows? There might be cake.”
“You… can’t be serious?”
“And here we are in the back yard. Now… why don’t we just pass between the trees here and go straight for the front entrance to the castle? Sounds like an easy and reasonable decision to make, right?”
“Now, now. No cheating, Rhys. You won’t be winning any Princess that way.”
“Whaaat? But there’s no telling what kind of creatures we’ll meet here in this creepy, creepy back garden.”
“Like, uh… that, whatever the hell that is.”
“The Dryad? It’s just a small sprite.”
“No, I meant the blockhead in the background who looks like he was too fruity for the Cho-Aniki series.”
“Oh, come on. He’s not that dangerous.”
“You say that, but I don’t like the way he’s looking at me. He IS looking at me, right?”
“Oh God, he’s winking at me AND flexing his muscles. And I just know what comes next.”
“You’re worrying over nothing. The guy doesn’t have any torso.”
“That just makes the whole thing worse.”
*A hundred encounters later*
“Sweet Jesus, I never ever want to do that again. It’s bad enough meeting one of them at a time, but being double-teamed by those guys is enough to make one wake up screaming for the rest of his miserable life. I’ve got the feeling this kind isn’t too fond of men marrying women more than his daughter marrying an Orakian.”
“That’s nice, Rhys, but… he can hear you, you know.”
“Eeeep.”
“Uh, thanks, but if it’s alright with you, your big, muscular men with stone blocks on their heads have already taken care of that. And there’s only so much standing around I can take before I need to sit down, and I’d also like to sit down without it being an agonizing exercise in its own right.”
“Rhys, you’re… not exactly helping your case here.”
*sigh* “Whatever. Just bring it on.”
“Looks like he brought his honor guard along.”
“At least they’re not the block guys. Even better, he’s not holding his staff all suggestively.”
“He’s got the manly touch.”
“Which explains a few things we fought on the way here.”
“My oh my, Lyle. Your king here is thirteen times as generous with the experience and 91 times as generous with the Meseta.”
“Well, it’s not like it matters with the experience, because your quest in all this is over, save for one last challenge.”
“Yes, it i-..wait, what?”
“In fact, one might say that the greatest challenge now lies before you.”
Yes, after all these trials and tribulations, it’s all come down to this. Rhys, who once not long ago wanted to set out with all the Orakian armies to save one princess now has the spoils of a conqueror indeed.
“Hmmmm.”
“You even have to THINK about it?! You… you…”