Chapter 4 – There and back again… and back again….. aaaand back again.
“Hokay, Shusoran. It’s big, it’s ominous, it’s…. empty.”
“And very similar to every single Orakian city we’ve been in so far. Not to mention… empty.”
“You wouldn’t happen to know where all the residents are, Lyle?”
“How would I know?”
“Wasn’t this city supposed to be all fortified and stuff? With evil shooting out of its fountains? It’s kind of empty for being such a threat to someone.”
“Unless those people are a bunch of whiners. Which certainly was the case in the last town we visited.”
“I must concur. Though we would be well advised to test the strength of the opposition from here.”
“Sounds like a swell idea. Let’s go knock on their door.”
“It’s…..”
“I suspect this might be the fortifications they were talking about. A… well, a gate. And a wall.”
“Curses. Foiled again. How can we possibly pass this insurmountable blockade. What do they expect us to do? Climb it?”
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“How can I be enjoying myself when we’re so utterly defeated? So decidedly stumped. So butt-smackingly pantsed.”
“Good grief.”
“Well, at least the stores are still open. With people.”
“Maybe he even has weapons.”
“For sale.”
*sigh*
“Oh well, let’s check those evil-spewing fountains of theirs. Doesn’t look like anything so far.”
“And since this is hardly the first invisible entrance we’ve seen so far….”
“We have a winner. Aaaaand another prison-like dungeon.”
“First one I’ve ever been into.”
“Same for me, actually.”
“Weeell, I kind of started out my big adventure from jail, so…”
“Figures.”
“And we’re inside. Four people. Where one kingdom fails, a ragtag group of brigands will succeed.”
“Isn’t that always the way?”
“No, it’s that way.”
“Ye-..wait, what?”
“Well, it was about time we met any actual enemies in here. Never mind any even remotely dangerous ones.”
“Eindons and Lobowings? Those are hardly top-tier enemies. The glops might pose a mild threat, but… that enemy in the back. Could she be….”
“She’s the purveyor of pep-talks.”
“The clap-trapper.”
“The Rhythm-buster.”
“…..”
*staaaare*
“What?! I’m not joining your stupid play on words, so forget it.”
“Eeeeeh? Boooooring.”
“More stairs down to the cellar.”
“But… the enemies are so boring down there.”
“Now, now. Let’s just head on through and get it over with.”
“The what in the where now?”
“I’m… lost.”
“It’s her. You know? Her!”
“Guys, seriously… did you go to the college of chryptology… and flunk out?”
“What’s so hard to understand about a Prince doing the white horse thing for the layyydeees?”
“This… THIS is what I’ve been programmed to serve?”
“Oh, please do not keep us in suspense, mysterious princeling.”
“Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go. I just have to know one thing.”
“And what would that be?”
“Number one or number two?”
“…..”
“How rude. He didn’t even answer.”
“I suppose you’re not giving up until I unravel at the seams.”
“Nonono, can’t have that. Your tight, sexy little suit, however…”
“I’m SO glad this quest is soon over. Then I can return to the sweet, sweet release of the standby mode.”
“Ah, there he is. Saaaay, is he talking to…?”
“To whom?”
“Hey, it’s Lena. Good, ol’ foulmouthed Lena, my childhood friend. Why, I remember back when we were kids, and I made a promise underneath the castle tree.”
“Aaaand we’re venturing into ‘ridiculous cliché’ territory, so kindly stop there.”
“And the Prince rushing in to save his Princess isn’t? At least YOU have it easy.”
“Bring it on, you pansy Layan boy.”
“Why, Lyle… is that a staff in your hand or are you just happy to see me?”
“It’s not a staff, it’s a cane, and I’m going to cane your butt with it until it’s a blushing pink.”
“Ooh, you’re such a flirt.”
“Hey, if you got it, wave it around.”
“I’m SO glad I didn’t join this fight.”
“…..”
“You too?”
“Imagine that.”
“Mind if I come over to you guys until the penis-waving competition is over?”
“Sure thing.”
“That was a whole lot of nothing for a fight reward. You’re not much of a rewarding kind of boss are you?”
“Oh, you enjoyed every second of it, and you know it.”
“Hey, the fight didn’t last THAT long. What are you trying to sell me on now?”
“Oh, nothing much. Now go talk to Lena.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. We came all this way from the whole ‘smoldering sunhole in hell’ just to thaw out a whole goddamn world, and now we have to go back there?”
“Do you have a problem with that, coleslaw brains? Because I’m more than willing to punch you in your goddamn face until your brain connects the neurons required to enable you to reach your ass to pull out the knife I’m going to shove up there.”
“I love your horrific violent ways and all, woman, but I’m NOT going back there unless I have to.”
“The gate is open. Let’s just head on.”
“It’s up there, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“We really have to go back to Aridia, don’t we?”
“Like I told you, you stupid idiot.”
“Goddamn it!”
*sigh* “And now we have to go through that damn labyrinth jail again, plus this needlessly convoluted castle.”
“All that, and you even get to frighten the maidens of Laya.”
“Apparently, they’ve met Lena too.”
“You saying something, princeling? I’ll be more than happy to remind you WHY they’re afraid of me.”
“Oh, so they DID meet you?”
“Yes. And?”
“Oh, nothing. I just have another Orakian kingdom you need to be introduced to. You could probably take them all down singlehandedly.”
*sigh* “And here we are in the dungeons again. And it’s even more boring than ever now that there’s no enemies in here.”
“Go, Rhys. You can do it!”
“Yeah, yeah…”
“Wait, wait, wait. This gate is open now?”
“Well… yes.”
“Since when was that the case?”
“Oh, right after you defeated me.”
“So we could’ve gone out here instead? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You never asked?”
“WHAT?!”
“Oh, don’t worry too much about it, Rhys. Look on the bright side. I like seeing you suffer.”
“Why would that be a bright side?”
“Because it lessens the chance that I kill you myself.”
“Yes, we are spies… right out in the open. Wearing typical Orakian clothing. We’re just blending in so well with the general audience.”
“Who are you calling an Orakio-lover, guard boy? I suppose you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.”
“Oh, you love us and you know it.”
“That’s it. If they’re not threatening us directly, they’re apparently fond of reminding us just how much backtracking we have to do. This is just ridiculous.”
“I like this guy, though. He’s SO right.”
“Hey, I’ll have you know that unpredictability is the spice of life. Especially if you’re a Prince.”
“Not to mention suggestive wand-waving.”
“Yeah, I have to admit that’s pretty satisfying too.”
“Well, you could always rely on all the monsters you’ve got stashed away in your cellars. Some of them are even good at clapping their hands.”
“Actually, I’m the Lyle formerly known as Prince.”
“Don’t worry, though; he’ll be back to working as the Prince of Shusoran.”
“Yep. We just need to do a quick hop down to Aridia to get our rocks off.”
“If they don’t meet a quick and tragic end by claw-impalement, that is.”
“Rhys, I know you’re not eager to go down there again, but what the hell are we doing here?”
“Oh, I just want to feel some asphalt below my feet, because for some reason, this country hasn’t heard about ROADS, which makes travelling across country much easier. Seriously, why haven’t we invented the road yet? Do we have to perfect our gate-to-castle paths first?”
“Well… yes.”
“I knew it!”
“Can’t this thing go any faster?”
“Nope. It’s set to go at an exact speed at all times.”
“When we get back to Landen, I’m going to make a decree that you can drive your boats as fast as you want at all times.”
“That doesn’t sound like an accident waiting to happen at all.”
“Prince Rhys, why are we stopping.”
“I don’t wanna do this.”
“It’s so pathetic to see a grown man cry. I love it.”
“Grown man? Where?”
“Oooh, nice followup.”
“I’ll have you know I’m in my early twenties.”
“Twenties? Why, that’s close to retirement age in RPG fantasy land.”
“OK, OK, I’ll go down. Just… stop breaking the fourth wall please.”
“Well, here we are in good, ol’ secondhand information town.”
“And WHY are we even here? It’s not like we need to go here.”
“Hey, I’ll take any opportunity to cool down, thank you very much, miss ‘I can’t feel a thing’. The Weather Control Tower does not have air conditioning.”
“Yes, that’s right. TWO STONES are what’s keeping two humongous, gravity-driven objects together. That’s totally scientific and logical.”
“Does this guy like to tell people what they should do when we’re going to do it anyway?”
“Yes, pretty much.”
“OK, then… ‘walk around mindlessly back and forth’. ‘Remind people what they have to do when they don’t really need it’. ‘Look like a garbage bucket’.”
“Rhys, that ‘garbage bucket’ can castrate your balls before you even knew what happened, and then he’d be more than happy to say things like ‘become a castrate singer’ or ‘scream like a little girl’.”
“…point taken.”
*sigh* “Here we go again. And now we have to go to the second floor, too.”
“Woe is you. And yay is me.”
“Gee, these stairs sure look familiar. Remember what we met last time we went up here?”
“Yes, yes. Barney family reunion. You don’t have to remind us. Again.”
“Did I mention how much I hate this place? There just aren’t any machines up here.”
“Sure, there is. We just need to walk past the Weather Control System.”
“Wh… what the… why didn’t you just say so?”
“You didn’t ask.”
“…..YOU BASTARD!”
“Lyle, I like your style.”
“That’s my name, and it rhymes so well too.”
“Well, here’s the machine. Now to see if you’re right.”
“And here’s the stairs. These ARE the correct stairs, aren’t they, Lyle? Because I’d hate to pick the wrong stairs and waste our time.”
“They’re not, actually. Now, aren’t you glad you asked?”
“Sure. Christ, how many trap stairs are there? At this stage, this place is just screwing us over. Does the word ‘efficiency’ mean anything to you guys?”
“Efficiency isn’t even half as interesting.”
“Well, pardon me for not wanting to spend my whole life here. You could have built both computer stations at the ground floor NEAR THE ENTRANCE, but nooo.”
“It’s a dead end.”
“You didn’t ask.”
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO!”
“Are we getting closer now, Lyle? Are we getting warmer? Huh? Huh?”
“Judging by the color of your face, I’d say so.”
“THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME! IT’s ABOUT THE GODDAMN TOWER! I WANT US DONE AND OUT! NOW!”
“Don’t sweat it. We’re almost there.”
“Whew, FINALLY. Pop those stones in there so that we can move on. And pray that we don’t ever need to go to this world again.”
“But whyyyy. This is the most fun I’ve had in… in a thousand years.”
“Well, you’ve spent most of that time standing around staring at a lake, so that’s not saying much.”
“Well, Lena, we’ve got things to do, so let’s do it.”
“Bottoms up!”
Does machinery really have the power to alter the path of celestial objects like a whole damn moon, let alone two? Our heroes apparently think so as they insert the two stones in the machine, and in doing so, the final path lies before them. It’s all up to the two moons, and how long our heroes have to wait for the moons to settle.
“OH SWEET JESUS, THE GRAVITATIONAL FORCES ARE GOING TO TEAR US APART! FLOODS AND EARTHQUAKES WILL DOOM US ALL!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Juuuust kidding.”
“…..”
“You asshole. I just soiled my pants.”
“Again?”
“Oh, shut up!”