Chapter 03 – Spring is just a couple of footsteps and a flick of the switch away.
The last time, our cast expressed surprise at the turn of the temperature…
“And all these lovely pieces of scenery are just minutes of walking distance away too. How the hell do they DO that?”
Uh… no, not THAT guy.
“Mieu?”
“Yes?”
“At the other end of the tunnel we just exited, we left a frozen wasteland behind, right?”
“Yes.”
“And here we are, in a SCORCHING wasteland.”
“Pretty much.”
“And this is logical… how?”
“I don’t know.”
“Of course.”
“And we have arrived at this region’s single town. Wonder what kind of people can live in this hellhole.”
“Eh, it’s not all that bad.”
“So you keep reminding me as I’m drowning in my own sweat.”
“Why am I not surprised that the only people living in Satan’s backyard would be robots?”
“Cyborgs.”
“OK, OK, whatever. Let’s see what we can find out here, since we walked all the way over here for no reason.”
“Well, that’s no good. We need non-crazy ones to fix the weather station thing. And how does a cyborg go crazy anyway?”
“Viruses.”
“Of cour..wait, what?”
“And there’s also worms.”
“….ew!”
“And if not that, trojans can be a bitch at times.”
“OK, now you lost me.”
“It could be that she’s clogged down with spam and trying to work through it all. Continuing to read spam email subject lines can make any cyborg sound a little crazy.”
“Forget I ever asked.”
“That’s at least partially useful. Now if only someone would fill us in on the rest.”
“That’s… not quite as useful. We already knew that.”
“Never hurts to get things confirmed, though.”
“Make sure to put that in my book of don’t care.”
“Sure. Let me just find my special pen.”
“That’s your claw. WHOA, PUT IT AWAY! OK, OK, I GET IT!”
“Now that’s how to say it like it matters.”
“Yes, yes. We should stock up on supplies before heading out, though. Judging by how you perspirate like a fountain, a couple extra boxes of tissues might be in order too.”
“Har har, it’s good to see that your comedy algorithms are functional.”
“Rhys, this is a weapon shop. They’re generally not known for selling curative properties. Rather the opposite, in fact.”
“Hey, I’m making sure we won’t be dragging a completely useless cyborg around after we find him. Everyone’s pulling their weight in my troupe.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that. Which means this place might be freezing over at any moment now.”
“That would be nice. And… HEY, what do you mean by that?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Oh, great and fearless leader, maybe I’m mistaken or something, but I’ve never been to a place where ‘up’ meant ‘west’. Then again, I’m not the Prince of Landen.”
“Oh, you’re just full of it today. Nah, it’s just a little detour. I just wanted to see the crazy cyborg. And lo and behold, there she is.”
“It’s probably not a good idea to talk to her, though. No telling what she might do.”
“Do what? Attack us? Read Email spam?”
“No, I… never mind. Do as you like.”
“What is it with you female cyborgs and waiting exactly 1000 years?”
“I suppose the topic of faithfulness is alien to you?”
“Hey, you’re talking about the guy who wanted to bring the army along, and all for a girl.”
“You what? What were you planning to do with that army? A romantic dinner for two thousand?”
“Two thousand and one. But no, I was thinking more along the lines of a heroic rescue framed in a thick layer of bloodshed.”
“She’s the kind of girl who likes guys in knightly armor?”
“Hell if I know. I’ve only spoken with her twice.”
“I… need to ignore what you said, or my reality and logic matrixes will self-ignite from the waves of stupidity assaulting them.”
“Now that’s just rude.”
“Not! Another! Word!”
“Mieu.”
“WHAT?!”
“There’s… enemies behind us.”
“Excellent. I really need to let off some steam.”
“Oooh, that’s some nice murder in your eyes there.”
“The Nayl isn’t going to be a problem, but…”
“The giant might have some nasty attacks up its sleeve.”
“It doesn’t HAVE sleeves.”
“Shut up before I slap the metaphors right out of you.”
“You might want to keep your eyes up front. Here it comes…”
“…..”
“…..”
“I… think he’s flipping us off.”
“Well, sit back, because it needs some work, and I’m more than willing to teach him to behave.”
“You have a disconcerting look in your eyes there, Mieu. Did I mention that I love it?”
“And now for something completely different.”
“They look like a bunch of Hunchback Barneys.”
“Here we go again.”
“Remind me to sign you up for some anger management classes or something, because man…”
“Oh, shut up. They deserved everything they got.”
“I’ll say. You cut off the giant’s finger.”
“That’s what he got for waving it in my face.”
“And those purple Barney mole things….”
“They looked like severed fingers wiggling at me.”
“I’ll… just put mine down my pants now and leave the fighting to you for a while.”
“Works for me.”
“Well, this sure looks familiar. And that’s no good.”
“Getting tired of red floor and brownish brick walls yet?”
“Yep, and it’s only been two caves.”
“Then let’s find our next party member and be done with it.”
“That can’t be our new party member.”
“Oh gee, what clued you in? The menacing stare? The ominous grin? The battle theme?”
“Well, I guess we’ll be getting ourselves some…”
“Don’t even THINK of finishing that sentence. This quest is tacky enough as it is.”
“It’s just a head, though. How does it plan on attacking us? Biting? Headbutting?”
“…wiggling its ears?”
“Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming. Maybe he expects us to die laughing or something, which is actually quite devious when you think about it.”
“It’s… hehe… working. Let’s… let’s… oh ha ha… stab it before… before I lose it completely.”
“I’ll take care of it. Just sit back and get it out of your system or something.”
“OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I HA HA HA HA NEED AIR HA HAAA HAAAA…”
“Hee hee, thanks for taking care of the head.”
“That’s alright. He was giving me a headache anyway.”
“Oh… oh…”
“Anyway, he had a good head there. Too bad he didn’t have a neck.”
“OH GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME HAAAA HA HA HA HA HA….”
“Feeling better now?”
“Yeeeheehes. Just… don’t do that again. I’m not sure how much my funny bone can deal with in one day.”
“Yeah, well, that’s probably our man, so just keep it together until we can leave this place.”
“Right.”
“Maybe we should just escapipe ourselves out once he’s on. Wouldn’t do meeting up with those heads on the way out again.”
“Good… hee hee… idea.”
“Oh, sure. Just invite yourself to our party.”
“But didn’t we come here with that in mind? Why are you even complaining?”
“One has to follow proper procedure and all that.”
“Pro… you… do you even think before opening your mouth? We came here looking for him. We found him. He joined our party. Which part are we missing that’s oh, so important?”
“The paperwork. In-between ‘we found him’ and ‘he joined our party’ there’s supposed to be a ‘he delivered his resume’ and ‘he came to the job interview’.”
“Job interview?! WE ARE NOT A COMPANY! You are not in a position to be picky, especially seeing as your daddy didn’t allow you to take his armies out for a joyride.”
“Um… guys?”
“WHAT?!”
“Is it OK if I join? Aren’t we going to the weather control center?”
“Yes, as soon as we have the pap…”
“Shut up about the papers. There are no papers. We are going to the weather control station right now!”
“I wonder if I’ve made a mistake joining these people.”
“And why are we stopping here?”
“It’s getting late, and I need my beauty sleep.”
“Better rent for a whole week, because I’m going to punch you in the face until you’re ugly.”
“Why, do you mean to say you think I’m a good looking guy now? Eh? Eh?”
“Argh! No, I…”
“Mieu, let’s just take a break. Sounds like you need it yourself, so let’s not argue this.”
“Grrr, OK, fine!”
“Oh, poor you, Wren. Doesn’t look like they remember you at all.”
“Woe is me.”
“Well, that’s what you get for standing around in a cave for a thousand years.”
“Actually, I’ve only been in there for fourteen years. The rest of the time I spent repairing stuff.”
“Whoa!”
“Yeah. A technical specialist’s work is never done.”
“No, I meant ‘Whoa, you’ve been standing around for fourteen years.”
“I’m going to go back to sleep until you two are done blabbering about nothing and are ready to leave town.”
“Cranky?”
“It’s OK. We can leave now.”
“About freakin’ time.”
“Well, here we are.”
“This place looks like a blender. And that’s not a good thing.”
“Or the nether region of the Sarlacc. Sarlacc spooge for everyone.”
“What are you talking about? This is an engineering masterpiece.”
“‘Engineering’ it is, eh? Nudge, nudge?”
“Nothing quite like starting off the day by being grossed out. Thanks, guys.”
“What?! What did I say?”
“Well, gee. Doesn’t this look familiar?”
“Needs more glass floors, methinks. Or someone should at least polish them so clear that visitors won’t even see where there is a path and where there isn’t.”
“And so we are attacked by an Eindon, another Barney Toad with wings, two eyeball monsters and Peter Pan’s twin punk brother.”
“His crotch. It’s got a bulge. Ew!”
“Apparently, we surprised them too.”
“Which means they were distracted. By us. Wonder what they were doing beforehand.”
“EWWWWW!”
“And here’s some stairs. Let’s take a peek at the second floor.”
“You might want to refrain from doing that. Besides, we don’t really need to go there anyway.”
“Why? What harm can it do?”
“Famous last words.”
“Oh, pshaw.”
“OH SWEET JESUS GO DOWN! IT’S THE BARNEY FAMILY REUNION, AND ITS NAME IS ‘FEARMOOS’.”
“They even brought their balls along.”
“You might want to keep those jokes to yourself. And sneak back down again. Quietly.”
“A little late for that, now that Rhys screamed like a complete pansy.”
“THIS TOTALLY CALLS FOR IT! AND FOR WETTING MY PANTS!”
“Ewwww. I did not need to know that.”
“Well, look who’s here?”
“Why, it’s tall, green and handsome. He seems a bit lost.”
“What is it with these people and waiting around in odd places?”
“Yes, OK, Jesus… don’t let us get a word in-between or anything.”
“Oh, quiet you. And don’t you start about the papers again.”
“Papers? Oh, well, that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m coming along you guys, and… say, what’s that smell?”
“NOTHINGMUCHOHLOOKATTHETIMELET’SGO!”
“Is that… a machine? Or is it just a thick block of metal.”
“That is indeed the machine, my friend. Just step aside, and let me work my magic.”
“God damn, man. You go into this long monologue from the smallest of situations. Is this some kind of Layan habit or something?”
“Well, ye..hey, wait. How do you know I’m a Layan?”
“Duh! You throw techniques around, which is a Layan speciality. You have TP points, yet you aren’t a cyborg. It’s not exactly harder to figure out than 2 plus 2.”
“I’m just surprised to learn that you actually CAN put together 2 and 2.”
*giggle*
“Har har. I’m just surprised to find that Layan has a sense of humor.”
“And back here again. Need some more of that famous beauty sleep there, buddy?”
“Sure, why not? Even if I’ll be missing out on slowly being cooked inside my own armor, I shall sacrifice myself for you guys so that we can lounge around in Robotown for another day. Besides, we won’t be seeing this place again anyway, so you should bid your friends a fond farewell when you have the chance.”
“…..”
“Well, it’s not like we actually know anyone here or anything.”
“Um… oops.”
And here we go again. Boy, I’ve missed this place.”
“Mieu, why are you jabbing me in the backside with your claws? Not that it’s hurting me or anything, but you’re just going to ruin them.”
“Oh… sorry. Force of habit.”
“And did I mention how much I enjoy having you with us?”
“Says the guy who wanted him to submit a mile-high stack of paperwork.”
“Well, well, well. This place sure turned green.”
“Sure did. Good job, guys.”
“It’s kind of boring now, though. Looks just like Landen.”
“You… you…”
“What?”
“You’re SUCH an idiot.”
“Stranger? But… we visited you just a few days ago, and you’ve forgotten us already? Sad now.”
“So we heard. And we’re going right over there to give them a good talking-to. And we’re letting our weapons do the talking.”
*cough*
“Oh, and our techniques, of course.”
“Um… no, that wasn’t what I meant to imply.”
“Yes, we’ll be making good use of that ship of yours. I hope you don’t mind not being able to use it to… well, support the town livelihood or whatever. Oh well, we’ll be off now.”
“Such compassion. Such self-sacrifice. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.”
“And there’s the boat. It sure looks like that other boat we rode in, doesn’t it?”
“Yes. And… so?”
“Well, we’ve got not just one, but TWO cyborgs now. DOUBLE the luck.”
“Um… what?”
“Nothing. Just a lot of hogwash from an old pervert.”
“Ah, the old guy. He made no such demands from me. Though I did threaten to Foi him into the next century if he didn’t help me, so…”
“Figures. I shoulda tried that.”
“And we have arrived. Though it’d make sense to go ashore at the dock on the other side, I’m just going to stop it here.”
“Whateeeevaaaah.”
“So… this is an Orakian town?”
“You didn’t know?! Aren’t you the Prince of Landen?”
“Yeeees, but this isn’t Landen.”
“I… OK, never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
“That has to be Maia. And that means we’re going castle raiding, and the princess better goddamn be there, and not in another castle.”
*cough*
“You OK, buddy?”
“Yeah. It’s nothing.”
“Boy, that town of Shusoran sure is evil. Full of monsters and whatnot appearing out of fountains. It’s downright despicable.”
“Even depthpicable.”
“Oho, now there’s a pun to be proud of.”
“I disagree. Vehemently. And violently, if needed.”
“And I’m sure they felt really bad about beating up the Boo Hoo Brigade.”
“Did they make you cry? Huh? Wanna cry now, you big baby?”
“Are you having fun yet, boys?”
“Yep. Can you tell?”
“You could always try to make them drunk on all the WHINE you’re handing out!”
“Then you can just back up the whaaambulance and take them away.”
“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“HELLS, yes!”
“But how can you wipe when you have no TP? Did you think about that, huh? Huh?”
“Don’t worry. It’s the Layans who will do the wiping, and they’ve got lots. Then again, they might be wiping their asses on you.”
“Good God, I’m ALMOST getting worried here. Shusoran must be a huge-ass fortress of evil in a place far, far away.”
“It appears you are right. It’s heavily fortified.”
“…with EVIL!”
And so our heroes set out to find the fortress of Shusoran. The journey would be long and arduous, with no way of telling what dangers they might face on the journey there, or when they’d even arrive. Yes, long, looong road.
“Wh..what the… THAT’S Shusoran? It’s practically in Agoe’s back yard. THIS is the place they’re so damn afraid of? It’s just… two goddamned steps away. It’s the backyard bully. It’s….”
“Right there. What’s the problem? Just go in there, you idiot!”
“Oh… right.”