Chapter 02 – Taking the sc(izophr)enic route.
“Well, that wasn’t much fun. Let’s get the kitteh her claws, so we don’t have to go through that again.”
“Oh, you won’t, because if you call me ‘kitteh’ again, I’m going to claw you to death myself.”
“Redheads. They’re so temperamental.”
“Øh my Gød, here we gø again. Løøk øut, everybødy.”
“That’s it! The Moos dies.”
“No entering without the stones, right?”
“Nope, but you already knew that, you dope.”
“And she missed the double-entendre. Sad now.”
“Missed…. ignored…. same thing, really.”
“Exactly what are we doing here?”
“Oh, just looking at the odd piece of hard road here.”
“It’s an airfield.”
“That just runs smack dab into mountain walls? That doesn’t sound very sensible.”
“True, but I’m not sure the guy who wanted to drag out the army and start a war over a girl has any right to lecture anyone over sensibility.”
“Touché.”
“Anyway, didn’t we have a gem to find?”
“Oh, pfft. He just wanted me to bring the hot cyber girl. He doesn’t give a rats ass about cyborgs.”
“And I’m sure you brought me along for completely different reasons, huh? And the ancient Orakians just HAD to put me in a swimsuit and long boots. One for Kinkyfetishtown, sir. Red leather and claws for everyone.”
“OK, OK, I get it.”
“All aboard Noah’s Ark. Let’s hope he hasn’t had the time to gather the Møøses yet.”
“Do I have to claw a bitch?”
“Hey, look. Monkeys.”
“Don’t change the sub… wait, what? Monkeys? Where?”
“Um… wow, I have to remember that for any future situations.”
“Really? Well, I guess it would be a good idea to NEVER GO DOWN THERE, then. I mean, it’s underwater and all, and there should be NO reason why we would ever need to go down there, right?”
“Sounds reasonable to me.”
“Wow, and it’s a really ominous place too. You’d have to be really stupid to go there in the first place.”
“Well, here we are at the cave that supposedly holds the ruby.”
“No, the guy who has the ruby went here. If we’re lucky, he might even just have entered the cave. It begs the question, though; did he bring a cyborg of his own? Does he HAVE a cyborg?”
“He probably floated over on his giant balls. I have to bring a cyborg, but he comes here all on his own. Good grief. I bet he felt he had to penetrate THIS cave all the way to the bottom just to show he’s a MAYUN!”
“I’m…. going to take your word for it.”
“But first, the welcoming committee. Also; ‘Committee’ — Because you just can’t get enough double letters in a single word.”
“I have to say that some interesting monsters have surfaced since I was ordered to stand around and stare at a lake for 1000 years. You didn’t even allow me to blink, for Pete’s sake.”
“Hey, don’t look at ME. I couldn’t have been a twinkle in my father’s eye at the time, because he wasn’t a twinkle in my grandfather’s eye, nor was my grandfather a twinkle in my great-grandfather’s eye… and so forth, and so forth.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say.”
“So… this is a cave, huh? Interesting.”
“It’s hip to be square, I guess. It’s good to know that you’re made up of very, very soft, curvy areas.”
“Our future king; never giving up the opportunity to be a complete pervert.”
“And proud of it.”
“Ein, tsvei, Andre von Drei.”
“What?”
“Oh, just an old children’s rhyme we learned in school.”
“Sounds dumb. And you were taught that one by adults?”
“I never said we learned it from our teachers.”
“Well… that’s encouraging to know, I guess.”
“Neat. We found an Escapipe.”
“A what?”
“It’s an Escapipe. It’s a pipe. We play it, and we get teleported out of dungeons.”
“That… doesn’t make any sense.”
“Well, I must admit that many of these things seem strange to me too. Then again, I haven’t been outside of the castle much. In fact, the first time I went out, I came across a girl on the beach. That was totally awesome, but of course, the next time I wanted to go outside, my father put me in jail.”
“Hey, I would incarcerate you as well, mostly for lacking common sense.”
“Hey, I didn’t make these.”
“Oh, I know. If you had, I would have brought you back to jail myself.”
“Dimate. That doesn’t sound as much like medicine as a nice proposition, if you know what I mean. Eh? Eh?”
“OK, there’s a limit to how much stupid nonsense I can ignore. There’s a claw with your ass’ name on it here, boyo.”
“Oh yes, spank me. I’ve been a baaaad boy.”
“And he’s learned how to counter that.”
“Hey, look. It’s our old friend, the Tsveidon brigade. And we’ve got a Tsveimoos group too.”
“Whatever. As long as you don’t start talking with that stupid accent…”
“Like I wøuld dø that.”
“Me and my big mouth.”
“Hmm. A shield, huh? I’m using a two-hander, so I can’t really use it. Do you want it?”
“I prefer a claw on each hand, but thanks anyway.”
“And now it’s an antidote. Do we really need to log everything we find in here?”
“By all means; feel free not to.”
“We have located the subject. It seems to be a male with green hair. I wonder if he needs the company of a cyborg.”
“Oh, you two-timing little sneak. I like your style.”
“I was only joking, but now… and stop giving me the thumbs-up.”
“Yes. OK. What? Wait….”
“And he left. Leaving behind a chest.”
“Where did he even hide that? In his ass? Oh, and that gem isn’t even all that big. Why would he put it in such a huge, unwieldy chest just to lug it around. Look, I can even wear it.”
“Well, our little fetch-quest is over, so let’s just go, already.”
“Ok, we’re there, so stop jabbing me in the butt with your claws.”
“Then stop pausing mid-walk. Time’s awasting. I didn’t stand around waiting for a 1000 years for this.”
“I said STOP JABBING ME IN THE ASS WITH YOUR CLAWS!”
“Then MOVE.”
“Mieu, you’re like a very cute drill instructor from hell. And you’re enjoying this, too. Don’t think I didn’t hear you giggle a while ago.”
“I have to admit finding an effective method at getting things done can be very… emotionally uplifting.”
“Why me?”
“We’re here. Now leave my butt alone.”
“Yes, yes. But didn’t the distance just fly by? Just look at how swiftly we arrived.”
“Don’t you be getting any ideas, dammit.”
“Maybe I won’t. Maybe I will.”
“I’m not sure if I like that grin.”
“And we’re inside, whoop-de-doo. Except not yet, you stupid sapphire.”
“You were saying?”
“I saiOWWWW!”
“See? We’re inside.”
“Remind me to find some way of wiping that evil grin off your face.”
“I’d like to see you try.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“….yes, and now I’m the one getting worried about YOUR evil grin.”
“Anyway, what… kind of cave is this? It’s all… iron-y and stuff.”
“I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
“You’re just looking for another excuse to stab me in the butt, aren’t you?”
“Relax, I was just kidding. I have no idea what kind of cave this is.”
“I do declare… it looks like we’re about to be ‘nayled’.”
*twitch*
“What’s up, Mieu? Looking a little green there.”
“Nothing. Just… nothing.”
“You’d think a labyrinth would be easier to navigate when you can see all of it, but this floor and the pit below are so disorientating that my head is spinning.”
“This chest better contain something awesome.”
“Antidote and monomate. Not a King’s ransom, that.”
“Well, you are not a king, so you’ll just have to make do.”
“I’m just going to have to do something about that. And then… MAID UNIFORMS FOR ALL THE WOMEN!”
“Claw, meet area where the sun doesn’t shine.”
“Hey, I was just kid-OW! Stop that!”
“Here we are, again faster than ever thanks to the time management methods of Mieu.”
“Remind me not to pay you your bonus. Anyway, I’ll be glad to finally be out of this place.”
“G-g-gah. Or m-m-m-maybe n-n-not. D-d-damn, it’s freakin’ c-c-c-cold here.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it. A cyborg doesn’t feel cold.”
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“A dock.”
“I’s all frozen over.”
“And cold.”
“…..”
“…..”
“There’s… not a whole lot more to say about this place, is there?”
“Nope.”
“Let’s just move on, then.”
“Yep.”
“Buzzgull, combining two of the most annoying wildlife creatures of all time.”
“What do you think would happen if I combined those two with my claws?”
“Only good things.”
“It’s…. a boat.”
“A very nice boat.”
“I don’t know why, but I feel like slapping you now.”
“She hurts me because she loves me.”
“Not quite.”
“Must be a poor village, since you’re sharing a single boat between yourselves.”
“Not to mention, your assets seem to be frozen.”
“So do yours. If only the cyborg-makers of old could’ve put in some jiggle-physics.”
“Well, at least my BRAIN isn’t frozen.”
“You must be this town’s Mr. Obvious.”
“I’m still not sure what you’re complaining about.”
“You’re still a cold woman, though, so this place suits you perfectly.”
“Yes, yes. Let’s go talk to someone else now.”
“Now this is how to tell a story full of sunlight and candy.”
“Lovely. More Dark Force.”
“Maybe he’ll FORCE himself into our hearts. With his hands, even.”
“FATALITY!”
“And now he fainted. Oh well, next!”
“This just keeps getting better and better. Soon, I won’t even need my antidepressants anymore.”
“Well, thank Orakio I decided to raid people’s homes just to talk to them! This might even be considered useful.”
“Ooooor not. There is supposed to be an entrance here, right?”
“That’s what he said.”
“Well, I can’t see anything.”
“He did say ‘near the ruins’, right?”
“Yes, but I don’t see how that’ll…”
“…help. God DAMN it!”
“Intriguing.”
“I wonder if there’s anything lootable in this place.”
“My hero.”
“I am definitely detecting a pattern here.”
“Ah, the voice of a vexed looter.”
“Yeah! I mean… don’t they ever put anything VALUABLE in their easily accessible treasure chests? It’s called a TREASURE chest for a reason, after all.”
“I think I can get used to your whiny voice.”
“Yeah, yeah. Enjoy it while you can.”
“And that’s another short dungeon with lousy loot. Better prepare myself for the freezing cold again.”
Already Rhys has come so far. But the path ahead is still long. One has to wonder what a man has to do to find his bride, and Rhys is about to find out. Whether his quest will live up to his expectations remains to be seen. As always, stay with us.
“PHWOAR, THIS IS NOT COLD! OH GOD, I’M WEARING ARMOR AND IT’S BURNING ME ALL OVER LIKE AN OVEN!”
“Really? I’m going to take your word for it, because a cyborg doesn’t really feel heat.”
“I hate you!”