Chapter 18: Just in time for the Dark.
“And so, having found all the weapons required, our fearless party travelled all the way back to…”
“Wwwwwhat are you doing?”
“…I’m spicing up our travels a bit. Alleviating the ol’ boredom here.”
“That’s not your job, so stop it.”
“Oh, fie on you. You spoil all my fun.”
“Again.”
“I’m… beginning to think this is the extent of robotic conversation.”
“…..”
“Well, sure, if you’ll just put us off to wait the days away….”
“Now that is really below the belt.”
“Eh… at least I didn’t let my vocabulary library function go by the wayside.”
“That’s… good, I guess.”
“Yessir. How I’ve been looking forward to walking this path again. It’s so… traditional.”
“And cold.”
“Oh, indeed, I can see that.”
“What do you mea-.. you PERVERT!”
“And stop staring.”
“I wasn’t staring.”
“Much.”
“Exa-..heeeey.”
“Looks like someone is too lazy to Photoshop his sentences together.”
“Alas, the fourth wall is to be made to suffer again. You… you enemy of fourth walls.”
“Well, never mind that. Did we even pick up that word while we were over there?”
“Well, no.”
“Weren’t we TOLD the name of power could be found there?”
“Um…. yes?”
“And do you know what that means? What we have to do now?”
“….backtrack?”
“YES! WE HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK THERE!”
“And how.”
“Way to set her on fire, Crys. Good going, buddy.”
“CAPEMAN AWAAAAAAAAAY!”
“Stop that, or I’ll drop you into the sea right here.”
“There’s a rather thick layer of ice on the surface, though.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I’m sure you’ll break through.”
“No love.”
“Ah, yes, nothing quite like trying out a new route when we go somewhere.”
“A NEW route? What? The straight route is too boring?”
“Well… yes.”
“You missed a few, though. Just four out of seven domes? You’re slipping.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just saving the best for later.”
“Ooh, the full tour. I’ll make sure to find somewhere to wait while you’re out on it.”
“OK, this time…”
“Yep. We came all the way here for a word.”
“I swear… if someone — anyone — makes a ‘the bird is the word’ joke, I’m going to murder all of them.”
“Oh hey, more old men.”
“None of them pilots, I bet.”
“They’re guarding a single word. Do we really need pilots for that?”
“It’s got to be one hell of a word, for people to be unable to stumble upon it on accident.”
“But they’d still lack the weapons.”
“Well, uh…”
“And even if they went looking, well… they’d have to face… uh, no pun intended… face Miun.”
“I’m… going to gracefully bow out of this one out of respect for our dear departed Miun.”
“Good choice.”
“Well, why don’t we hear what they have to say. And hope they make it short.”
“Like one word?”
“…a little bit optimistic, I think.”
“This… is not a good start.”
“So, what do they call this cave? Sage Cave?”
“Too obvious.”
“And what do we NOT call the advice we get in here?”
“You are so cruel. I love it.”
“But no pressure, hey?”
“Well, untold suffering will await you if you don’t get to the point soon.”
“Again, no pressure. Well, not the metaphorical kind anyway.”
“Maybe it’s because he was kept on standby for too long.”
“I’m really having a hard time denying the waiting fetish the people in this world have. It’s actually kind of ridiculous.”
“Waaait for it.”
“NO! NO MORE WAITING!”
“Kehkehkehkehkeh.”
“You… you…”
“Yes, we would do that if you’d only GIVE US THE WORD WE CAME FOR! What is this? Elaboration central?”
“Sage Central?”
“Pshyeah!”
“YES! Fina-..wait… “Nei”? That’s it? That’s the word of power?”
“Doesn’t that mean ‘no’ in one language or another? That would be kind of hilarious, actually.”
“That’s the way to do it. Just say ‘no’.”
“Oh, I’m sure THAT won’t be a popular phrase anytime soon.”
“Who cares. We got the word, so now we can empower ourselves. Let’s go back.”
“Yeah, we all get the ‘nei’, and I get the ‘Grantz” as well. I mean, really… that doesn’t even MEAN anything, but I got it anyway.”
“It’s two for the price of one. We hit the jackpot here.”
“Finally out of that place. Now we REALLY never have to set our foot there again.”
“Indeed. Feel free to take a rest. I’ll wake you up when Wren reaches Sky City again.”
“That sounds good. I’ll just…. takee…zzzz.”
“Well, that was fast.”
“We’re here!”
“GAH! Already? But I’m still tiiiireeed.”
“Well, tough luck, because it’s time to walk the mace once again.”
“You BETTER not tell me you already knew. Because we did NOT say anything.”
“Wha… what the…”
“It’s ‘Wild Goose Chase, the life’s story’.”
“With liberal amounts of ‘veil over our eyes’.”
“That’s… that’s it?”
“Well, looks like we’re going to show someone else the value of this word. Literally and very, very physically.”
“Your task my foot. You haven’t even moved from this spot.”
“They sent us all over the place, only to find some kind of word. And then… THEN… they go ‘these are now the Nei Weapons. Please use them to stab evil’. I… I just…”
“Shall we take our new weapons for a test run, maybe?”
“Tempting, but… no. Let’s just do an equipment check and leave this place.”
“So, have we all gotten our Nei groove on?”
“Speak properly.”
“Yes, yes.”
“So, for those of us who have two weapons, could we get something better for the other hand?”
“And it had to be a bow.”
“Well, of course. You did have Laya’s Bow, after all.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Sure we don’t want to say our farewells to these two? Who knows? Maybe they’ve got something new to say.”
“Yyyeah, I don’t think so.”
“And just as I thought things couldn’t get any sillier.”
“Are they trying to GOAT us into action?”
“Are you suuuure you don’t want to take the weapons for a test run, Mieu?”
“Oh, I will, but on the tap-dancing goats.”
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.”
“”That has got to be the laziest attack move ever.”
“Even the light source hops back and forth.”
“YES! DANCE FOR ME, FOOL! DANCE UNTIL I SAY STOP!”
“…..”
“Well, looks like someone is enjoying himself.”
“Yes, but it was supposed to be me.”
“Oh, joy. More of these.”
“More of what?”
“Those weird contraptions with arrows on them. I think they’re just there to confuse us.”
“Well, I’m confused already, so… it works.”
“And it’ll only get worse if we let it.”
“Good lord, this is an empty, ol’ dome, isn’t it?”
“Sure is. Only one town, which, of course, is a floating one.”
“Which rests over a huge body of water. What do they do if the power goes out?”
“Take swimming lessons?”
“Hey, look. There’s someone, and it’s not a robot.”
“Well, great. That means we won’t get some kind of odd, senile-sounding welcome.”
“Uh….”
“Say what you want about the senile robots, but at least they don’t wish death upon us when we arrive.”
“I wonder what kind of death they have in store for us.”
“Death by… lashing?”
“Man, that’s a harsh punisment.”
“IT IS INSANE! WHAT ELSE CAN THEY THROW AT US?!”
“I should never have asked.”
“It’s a guardian and a watcher. I guess Rulakir’s not a fan of streamlining.”
“You’re not at all thrown off by the fact that we are facing dismembered heads-on-shoulders? With a hand?”
“Eh, that’s by far not the weirdest thing we’ve ever seen.”
“Wow!”
“Mortality…. sometimes, it can be a good thing.”
“Hey, he wants us to come over.”
“I dunno, man… I just don’t trust that smirk.”
“Oh, come now. I’m sure he’ll go down after just a couple of hits. Nothing to worry about.”
“I like your way of thinking, girl.”
“Oh hey, another random woman. Maybe she’ll be a little nicer.”
“Well…. maybe not.”
“Hey, she didn’t threaten US with sudden death.”
“I don’t think that makes much of a difference in this case.”
“Well, I’m starting to doubt these idiots would ever be able to threaten anyone. I mean, what did they do? Sit here and wish for other people to do things for them? That’s pretty lame, isn’t it?”
“True.”
“If they DO manage to take over this ship, it’s going to be because of the insane streak of luck rather than anything else.”
“Well, we’re just going to have to see what we can do about that, then, don’t we?”
“Did I mention I like your way of thinking?”
“Well, hey, would you look at this. Someone’s thought of bringing the TORTCHA!”
“And that armor. That CAPE. It just looks so FAAABULOUS!”
“Come on, big boy. Wiggle that whip. Wiggle it!”
“Well, somebody’s having fun with this.”
“Yes, but… I must admit, I am amused.”
“OH YES! WORK IT FOR DADDY! SHAKE IT HARDER!”
“Man, just look at his glare. I don’t think he appreciates being made a part of the show, so to speak.”
“Well, if he’s going to show up in such a fabulous outfit and with such a fabulous choice of arms, then that’s what he deserves.”
“Oh, would you listen to these people. You’d think they actually DID anything. Spread evil? All I can hear you spreading is pure BS.”
“Yeah, seriously… get over yourselves and get out of this place from time to time. If you’d done that in the first place, we would all be covered in evil up to our armpits by now instead of having to fight stupid dancing goatmen.”
“Psh! As if.”
“Crys, do we have to stop and listen to every single dancing monkey douchebag in the area? They’re completely harmless, just standing around flexing muscles they’ve never used in their entire lives.”
“Assfire?”
“AZUfire. And stop that!”
“Is she trying to defeat us by… making suggestive hand motions?”
“Which is bad enough, but the ‘DOOT DOOT’ sounds….”
“Man, and I thought Rhys was bad.”
“And it’s a female, even. What gave her the idea that she should get away any easier just because of that?”
“I have no idea, but I’m fairly certain it’s not going to be from my claws.”
“Yes, yes, just go on and gloat about your insane luck.”
“Besides, SOMEONE had to do it, since you guys do nothing but sit here and talk about how evil you are and how screwed over we are going to be. If we hadn’t, you’d still be here, cursing your inability to get anything done. So be grateful, you nitwits.”
“Nitwits?”
“Well… yes. They are.”
“Yes, I just meant… that expression… I… never mind.”
“Looks like we’re finally at the edge of this place.”
“Yes. We’ll finally be meeting up with this Rulakir. I heard he’s even a pilot.”
“A pilot? Get away!”
“No, really. Really really.”
“Did you get the receipt?”
“It’s not a done deal until the contract is written, you know.”
“Wh..what are you talking about. Well, enough of your blathering. Time to die.”
“No, no, no. It’s time to dye. White is so last millennium.”
“SHUT UP!”
“Oh, so NOW you are all green and yellow.”
“You dropped some ass-fire on the ground, though.”
“IT’S AZUFIRE! AZU! FIRE!”
“Yeah,that’s what they all say. And they never ever go easy on the chili.”
“ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK ME TO DEATH?! BRING UP YOUR WEAPONS!”
“No!”
“WHAT?!”
“Well, they’re the ‘No’ weapons.”
“WHAT?! THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! BESIDES, YOU ARE HOLDING THEM RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HANDS!”
“But… they’re the ‘No’ weapons.”
“YOU… YOU… JUST… FIGHT!”
“I don’t think he can take much more of this, cap’n.”
“And he dares call himself a pilot.”
“PLEASE STOP! I BEG OF YOU!”
“Stop? But how do you stop not doing something? Isn’t that a bit of an anti action… thing?”
“OH GOD, I GIVE UP! PLEASE, JUST… JUST….”
“Are you sure? We could always just hang around and keep you company, you know. Just staying here and plotting evil all your life has to be pretty boring.”
“NO! YOU GO AND FIGHT EVIL NOW! GO!”
“Alright, alright. Don’t get your dandy hair all up in a knot.”
“Oh, of course. The glass floor. Yeah, you thought they’d save something spectacular for the last dungeon, huh? Well, all the more fool you.”
“Who says you can’t be evil on a budget?”
“And here I thought frivolous spending was one of the benefits of being an evil overlord.”
“OK, what the….”
“Is he trying to get us involved in a photograph contest? With his AIR CAMERA?!”
“Either that, or he’s hankering for some pinball action.”
“Well, let’s just give him directions to the nearest pinball hall and move on. We have evil to fight, so we can’t waste time on all these competitive idiots getting in the way.”
“Oh, look. It’s the Beyblade fan and the assfire girl.”
“Ssssh, Prince Crys. You might hurt these people… more than our weapons will, and we can’t have that.”
“Alright, here we are at the other side of this long dungeon, and here’s a chest. Anyone else getting bad vibes from this?”
“Nah! I’d just barge up and open it. I’m sure there’s something nice inside of it.”
“Eh, you’re probably right. OK, then….”
“Heeey, this isn’t candy at all.”
“Oh, HE’S the master of death. Maybe he’s the one who is supposed to provide us with the death that we were promised by the woman we met at the entrance.”
“Sooo… who’s feeling sad or angry here?”
“Not me.”
“I’m feeling pretty amused, actually.”
“Hey, this is a blast.”
“I must admit I feel a liiiittle bit irritated.”
“HAH! SEE?!”
“Not that much, though.”
“Oh, bugger!”
“Your despair of life? Oh, come on. I’m sure you can be a really great evil. You just have to believe in yourself.”
“Oh, ha ha. This is all fun and games for you, isn’t it?”
“Well, I’d have to admit the entertainment levels rose exponentionally when you arrived out of a chest. You’re a regular Jack-in-the-box, my friend.”
“I AM NOBODY’S FRIEND! I AM DARKNESS… I AM EVIL INCARNATE!”
“See? Just hold on to that thought and give it your all.”
“You… you…”
“I’m sure you will. But… uh, I can’t help but notice you’re dropping below the… well, the admittedly unsettling red mist here. Don’t go away now, OK?”
“….Darkie? Come on now, little buddy.”
“….”
“…please?”
“GAH! ET TU, JACK!”
“But I only did what you wanted me to do. What’s wrong, my soon-to-be victim of darkness?”
“Well, apparently we’ve got a lot to FACE.”
“…..”
“Haha, good one.”
“See what you’ve done, you bastard? You practically set yourself up for that one. I mean… is that a face on your CROTCH?!”
“You got a problem with that?”
“Me? Noooo, not at all.”
“Well, talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening.”
“How nefarious. He plans to out-stupid all of us.”
“Well, hold on to your hats, ladies and wimps, because here I come.”
“And there he went.”
“A shame too, because he had a good head on his shoulders. Heck, he had four. Or five, depending on whether you count the one dangling below his massive hunchback.”
“So… what now? Do we just go back?”
“Oh, for… he’s going to wait. What is it with everyone here and waiting? This needs to stop.”
“Please stay on this line. Your call is very important to us.” *chuckle*
“That… that fiend.”
“Yeah! He promised us doom, death and a good fight, but then just up and leaves, with the intention of waiting until we’re all dead and gone. That’s just not fair.”
“Well, we’ll just have to see about that, now, don’t we?”
“Crys, what are you… wait!”
“You… IDIOT! We’re still in here, you know.”
“Oh, sure, so you give me lip, but then you have this completely convenient technique?”
“That, explosion-boy, was just cast as a last desperation measure. I guess I gotta hand it to those old fools; they sure knew the Megido technique would be given to some trigger-happy fool, so they gave me the backup plan.”
“Thank you, Lashute. You’ve been a scream.”
“Well, I hope everyone in there knows how to swim.”
“Told you this could totally happen.”
“Suddenly, waiting around in the middle of nowhere for a thousand years doesn’t sound so bad after all.”
“What pilots? When did we ever MEET any pilots here?”
“Um… well….”
“We are so screwed. And you can NOT blame that on Megido.”
“Oh, I’m sure I can find some kind of connection here.”
“Oh, so there ARE pilots. When did we talk to them? What’s going on?”
“Are they now?! Well, let’s hear it, then.”
“Prevailed in what? YOU were the ones who turned the ship around. Who prevented you from doing that? It’s not like we saw you anywhere as we went up to fight this Dark Force. GAH! IT NO MAKEY ANY SENSE!”
“Now, now. Let’s just go to this supposed ‘third planet’ called NotEarth. Maybe we can call it Terra.”
“Wait, so… just NOW we reached a planet we could inhabit? Which, I presume, was a huge problem? So, basically… Dark Force’s plan not only DIDN’T work in his favor, but ended up working massively in ours?”
“Well… yeah, I suppose so.”
“….wow. That’s gotta be the ultimate kick to the… uh, face. Because he… you know, had a face in his groin.”
“Let’s… just… land. This… this is giving me SUCH a headache.”
“It’s like a long string of coincidences.”
“Through several generations.”
“Yes! I dub this story ‘Phantasy Star 3: Generations of Coincidences’.”
“Too late.”
“Aw, come on.”
“Besides, it’s too late, see?”
“NOOOOOOO!”
“YES! This story couldn’t end too soon for me.”
“In fact, end more! It’s not ending enough.”
“Oh, come on. Help a guy out here. Give a guy a chance to change…..” *trails off*
……
“What? What more do you want? Now go away!”