Chapter 17: ‘I like Legendary Weapons’.
“Well, at least we’ve learned something this day.”
“Don’t just pull swords out of their resting places?”
“No, destruction incarnate, of course.”
“Oh, that’s just what our lives have been missing.”
“Faster! Faster!”
“BACKSEAT DRIVING IS PROHIBITED!”
“Come on. If you hit the shore fast enough, you will fly.”
“I already have an add-on pack for that sort of thing.”
“If ya know what I mean, durhur?”
“Oh, he has a pack, alright. A right, ol’ package.”
“STOP THAT!”
“Anyway, I… wait, are we taking the somewhat direct route? Why, I never….”
“Yeah, believe it or not, this is the least irritating route of all. Now all I need is to know WHY we’re going here.”
“Well, we are supposed to find someone. My father talked about her. He told me that HIS father talked about her too.”
“That’s because said someone looks a lot like me, being the same model and all. Also, Rhys was a pervert.”
“Well, I guess we are obliged to drop by while we’re in the area, even though we can easily just cross over anywhere and just bypass this city altogether.”
“I know we just did something unbelievably stupid, but that’s no reason to be rude.”
“Someone really should take the time to upgrade this poor bot’s vocabulary. You get to the third generation, and it’s just sad hearing the same line you heard since more than thirty years ago.”
“Case in point.”
“Well, who could tell that this information would only be useful before this day?”
“Hazatakk, where direction accidentally comes into play.”
“Hazatakk, where cyborgs roaming the desert become a plot point.”
“Yes, that’s nice and all, but how about we go take advantage of that plot point?”
“Crys, I ought to slap you. Are you suggesting that we should take advantage of…”
“ARGH! No, that came out wrong. I meant that we should go see her. Really.”
*muttermutter* “You’d think she’d at least not select the worst interpretation of my suggestion or something.”
“I would, but Rhys is your grandfather and Ayn is your father.”
“I… have no defense against that.”
“Anyway, there she is. Why don’t you go up and talk to her, Crys?”
“Yes, yes.”
“Hi. And no, I’m not OrakiAAAAAARGH!”
“AAAAAAAH!”
“What? Is there something on my face?”
“Uh… no, and that’s kind of the problem.”
“I’m not sure I understand, but anyway…”
“Before you… what? Miun? Miun?!”
“She… uh, left a chest behind.”
“……”
“Don’t… don’t worry, Crys. I’ll… uh, put her claw to good use. I’m sure she would have wanted me to.”
“…..I know. It’s just…. she’s been wandering in circles around in this godforsaken desert for who knows how long, and her last memories are five people screaming bloody terror right into her face. That’s such a depressing thought.”
“She seemed a little too far gone to take it badly too.”
“Gee, thanks. That just makes it all much better.”
“Well, we’re cyborgs. It’s just what we do.”
“What? Wait around for thousands of years? That’s not fair, is it? Wren, Mieu… I swear right now; if anyone ever asks you to just stand and wait for some kind of ludicrous coincidence to just happen, I want you to ignore that request and give the person asking it enough noogies for them to become bald. I will NOT have anything like what just happened to Miun ever happen… to…to… uh, Mieu, why are you looking at me like that?”
“Oh, nothing, you handsome devil, you.”
“Um… OK. Thanks… I think?”
*cough* “Anyway, why don’t we just bring her remains to Hazatakk and bury her there? She’s earned that rest, I think.”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
“Sooooo… how’s about a fly-by? We could scout out the area to see if there’s any airstrips we missed?”
“Wow! Wren offering to embarrass the hell out of himself? That really was a downheartening loss, huh?”
“Sure. Make like Superman and spread that cape proudly.”
“Well, there’s nothing new here… under the sun… that we’re about to crash into.”
“Caves, caves and more caves. And we don’t even have to go into them anymore.”
“Oh well, since this dome has fulfilled its absolute genius of having only one airstrip — seriously, what did they think we were going to do with it when we learned this — I guess we have to walk.”
“I really need to get some kind of sandskimmer program started. If not for us, then at least SOMEBODY will benefit from that in the future.”
“Beats waiting around for years on end, huh?”
“Tell me about it.”
“Indeed, so…. WHY DIDN’T YOU?!”
“Well… nobody brought up the idea.”
“You did. Isn’t that enough?!”
“Um….”
“Hey, look. It’s another airstrip. Good thing we’re in a region dome where the people were smart enough to build more than one, huh?”
“Are you insinuating something?”
“You’re the guy with the positronic brain, Wren. You figure it out.”
“Good lord, it’s like a penis-waving competition, only with more idiocy.”
“And airstrips.”
“Yes, and ai-.. wait, what does that have to do with anything?”
“How would I know? Ask Crys and Wren.”
“I’d…. rather not.”
“Heey, it’s a cave we totally can’t get to without using the water skimmer form.”
“And look, it’s also totally here in Aquatica, and not in Draconia like those senile bastards in the floating city told us.”
“Oh, wait. I think I’ve heard about this town. Something about getting their asses handed to them due to no-TP-related reasons.”
“Really? Then we really NEED to visit these people.”
“Um…. why?”
“Oh, come on. Aren’t you curious about what they have to say for themselves?”
“You mean the whole ‘five people managed to do what a whole town couldn’t’ part? To be honest, so am I.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Shame, then, that you are downvoted. Let’s head into town.”
“Well, aside from the whole ‘OH GOD WE’RE CRASHING INTO THE SUN AND THE ANDROID WHO WILLED IT IS HIDING IN ONE OF THESE NEARBY ISLANDS!’ Yep. Peace all around.”
“I guess they’re still out of TP.”
“A ‘one-eyed knight’, huh?”
“Crys, you better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking….”
“Well, I got a one-eyed knight right here… IN MAH PANTS!”
“GRAH! I KNEW it!”
“And he’s sharing this with an old man too. The implications are enough to make one’s hair… uh, white.”
“Really? But things are still peaceful, huh? So peaceful it’s to die for.”
“I think the journey has finally claimed his mental bad jokes barricade. Now he really is like his father, and his father before him. Not to mention the guy who thought it was funny to put me on waking standby for several decades just for kicks.”
“Yes, we were going to do that, weren’t we, Crys?”
“Of course. But we should also mind our manners and greet the king. Even if he doesn’t have any TP sitting on his throne there.”
“That’s a shame, because he totally looks like he’s straining one out right now.”
“Why do I keep finding myself having to listen to these awful, toilet-related joke sessions?”
“Thank you.”
“….”
“I guess that’s all he has to say, huh?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Like what?”
“Strange! Things!”
“As in ‘I think Mieu is getting tired of this place, so we better go’.”
“Oh, THOSE things. Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?”
“I DID!”
“Alright, then. Let’s go.”
“GRRNNNGH!”
“I hope I can stop doing this soon. It’s so… detrimental to my well being.”
“Hey, if you got it, flaunt it.”
“Hee hee.”
“Now that was just below the belt.”
“And where is that belt now?”
“You’re sitting on it.”
“Uh….”
“Is this a mountain or just a very brown tent?”
“Just look at that cave opening. It covers nearly 20% of the whole freaking hill.”
“Maybe this won’t take as long.”
“Brick walls? What kind of a hoity-toity establishment have we entered now?”
“Well, we ARE about to learn that big, ol’ word of power here. Wouldn’t do to let the caretakers of such an important diction just live in some run-down shack.”
“Oh, sure. Much better to live in a brown tent with blue brick walls and a marble floor. And if you think that sounds sensible, then hold on to your socks, woman, because I’ve got some more to tell you.”
“Hey, I’ve been dragged along on two crazy missions so far, one based on a kidnapping case. Give me your best shot.”
“Crys, when I said that, I didn’t quite mean it like this.”
“Hey, I didn’t call these people. What do you think I am? A necromancer?”
“…you never know.”
“Now that’s just rude.”
“They do kind of look menacing, though. I wonder what they’re going to do to us.”
“….uh.”
“Well, that’s…. not quite as menacing.”
“It would be if he held the sword from the get-go.”
“So, what IS he doing? Flashing his junk?”
“Dude, ew!”
“Well, he’s holding it in a firm grip, at least.”
“OK, stop that!”
“Oh, poopie. Now I have to make a decision again.”
“And such a life-altering one too.”
“Oh, just pick a side and be done with it.”
“Now, either that Wraith is suffering from Elephantiasis in his foot, or that’s another enemy.”
“Forget THAT. This place has dragons sprouting from the floor. The BRICK floor.”
“It’s a Drake.”
“Well, excuuuuuse me, princess. Wouldn’t want to get our dragonology wrong when we’re about to be attacked or anything.”
“Proper form is always important. Even a simpleton knows that.”
“Oh, you are SO asking for it.”
“This is all very amusing and stuff, but… knock it off.”
“Be glad to.”
“I meant quit it! Focus on the dragon.”
“Drake.”
“I don’t care. Kill it now. With fire.”
“Erm… that’s not going to work. It’s a dragon. Dragons are usually always immune to fire.”
“No, they’re not. At least not in this place, which has no elemental affinities that I know about.”
“Maybe it would be easier to traverse these halls if WE WERE DRUNK OFF OUR ROCKERS!”
“There might be some booze in that chest over there.”
“Say… can you drink a SHLD?”
“…no, Crys. You might be able to drink FROM it, if you don’t mind spilling alcohol all over the place, but I do not recommend trying to drink a SHLD. It’ll only make you look like a complete idiot.”
“Ah, maybe this chest has some drinkables.”
“…or not.”
“Well, I am NOT up for Turkish classical music, so put that back!”
“Oh hey, another chest already.”
“Well, then… open it. And let’s hope there’s nothing crazy inside.”
“It’s… uh, it’s a Vulcan.”
“What? Like the gun? Well, give it here, then.”
“No, not quite. It’s… well…”
“Fascinating?”
“…you could say that.”
“OH GOD PUT HIM BACK IN THE CHEST!”
“Confusion? Ah yes – one of your kind’s emotions.”
“Can we move on now, please? And pretend this chest never happened? Pretty please?”
“Curious…”
“NOW!”
“Well, would you look who’s here… cowering in the far corner of the… um… cave… tent… hallway.”
“Well, it’s about time we found him. I’m going to tell him what for, what with how we had to chase around like maniacs just to find this one guy. I’m going to wring his neck as many times as it takes.”
“I’m with that. He’ll be SO SORRY by the time we’re through with him.”
“Wh… what the… hey!”
“But… but… what about my frustration? We go all the way up here and he says ‘sorry’ before I can even ready my gun? Well, that’s just great. He just goes and takes the ‘fun’ out of ‘unfair’.”
“Um… Wren, that’s… not right.”
“Damn straight it isn’t.”
“No, I meant… oh, never mind.”
“Oh well, at least we got his gun.”
“Which means we now have all we need, and can get the heck out of Dodge.”
“And into Wren. Because when I ride, I ride with Wren. And if you’re not riding with Wren, you ride with Hitler.”
“….what?!”
“It’s a good thing we put Spock back in his chest. Otherwise, this would be liable to blow his head to kingdom come.”
“Well, hot damn… did we just win the lottery or something? This place is just stacked with chests.”
<_<
>_>
“Anything wrong?”
“Uh… no.”
“They’re just stacked. Get it? Stacked? In the ‘chest’ department?”
“I have a headache. Again.”
“I guess this… SWD… is for me.”
“Are you sure? It kind of sounds like a file extension.”
“Kind of like NDL, huh?”
“And SLR!”
“HULK SLASH!”
“Looks more like he already did.”
“We also have a WYRM growing up through the floor now.”
“I wonder if he’s a part of a family.”
“See? Now THAT is a dragon.”
“It looks completely the same as the ‘DRAKE’. What difference does it make?”
“Well, it’s… blue?”
“That still doesn’t make it any different!”
“Au contraire, my dear Kara. That is indeed the difference.”
“Now I have a headache too.”
And so, the cases of headaches spread out at an alarming speed. Will our heroes survive the weirdness that plagues them all? Will they ever find the word of power? Is Wren going to have to embarrass himself again? All these, and many more questions popped in our friends’ heads as they walked ever forward, mindful of any future challenges they would have to face.
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.”
“Well, there you go. There’s your family of dragons.”
“I just want to go home now.”