Chapter 16: Uh…. Oops?
“Well, here we go.”
“It appears we have a case of Ultimate Evil.”
“Now THAT is not going to come cheap. We may be exterminators, but a tall order is a tall order.”
“But… aren’t you PILOTS?! How can you have lost the knowledge to REAL ULTIMATE POWER?!”
“These slackers don’t look like they have the ability or the guts to pilot themselves out of a chirper cage.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, miss ‘I slept for thousands of years’.”
“Oh, quiet you. I was just waiting for… uh… a Prince to ride in on a white horse. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Shyeah, you really look like the type to want something like that too.”
“Well… I might.”
“OK, item check, everyone.”
“I’ve got Laya’s… er, that is… MY bow.”
“And I’ve got father’s… that is… Lune’s Slicer.”
“That means we’re missing three items. I smell a fetch quest coming up.”
“Wait, don’t Cille and Shusoran lie in Aquatica?”
“They sure do.”
“Oh, those senile, old codgers….”
“Well, it’s a good thing we already knew, huh? Otherwise, we might have searched ourselves silly in the wrong region.”
“Who knows? We might even have had to BACKTRACK a little.”
“Oh, I’d BACKTRACK, alright. I would backtrack all the way back here to beat the senility out of some old guys I met.”
“At any rate, looks like we’ll be starting our little fetch quest early. Right in this very place, even.”
“Unless they really meant another dungeon, of course. Wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Yes, thank you for… telling us what we already know because you guys already told us.”
“And now we must go and find the legendary weapons.”
“And we have stairs. Again.”
“Gah! And enemies. Right off the bat.”
“Soon, literally at that.”
“Are we fighting a Twig? What does… how does… that even work?”
“I don’t even know where to BEGIN explaining that attack.”
“It’s even wrigglig its eyebrows. I’m almost tempted to think we will hear it go ‘nudge, nudge’ shortly.”
“I do believe we’re getting a star for our great effort to remain serious in the face of ridiculousness.”
“We would probably have gotten two, if not for the facepalm I did due to the fact that we’re fighting a GLOBE.”
“Oh, so now they’re getting creative with the glass floor? Well, that’s just lovely.”
“Looks more creatively broken to me.”
“Ohohoho.”
“So, where DO we go from here?”
“Star Mist? What the hell does that even DO?”
“It… uh, sparkles? I guess you just rub it on your skin, and….”
“OH GOD WE ARE NOT GOING THERE, OK?!”
“Yes, it’s the ribbon that just don’t give a damn.”
“Quite frankly, I like that thought.”
“Watch out, everyone. We’re being attacked by the Molvanian National Team Squatting Champions of Sky Castle, and it looks like they’re up for a sitdown.”
“That makes absolutely no sense.”
“Very good, gentlemen. You sit well.”
“So, are we going to challenge them, or do we need to find someone to sit in for us?”
“Well, I won’t stand for any of this.”
“Are you guys trying to drive me crazy on purpose?”
“Moon Dew.”
“Maybe it’s like Mountain Dew, only for vampires.”
“That would explain the crimson red color.”
“Oh, come on. It’s just medicine, right? And we should learn to appreciate this, since the only store selling these was open only in the first generation, back when the price was far more than we could ever hope to pay.”
“Yeah. I have to wonder what they were thinking.”
“Goddamn it, I hate these conveniently placed cracks in the glass. And it’s not like we could just have jumped over either. I mean, it’s like a whole meter or something. That’s just inhumane.”
“Well, it wouldn’t be much of a labyrinth if we did now, would it?”
“We don’t NEED labyrinths.”
“What she said.”
“Oh yes! Sweet success in the hands of Wren. Now, put those aquapants on, Wren, and let’s go diving.”
“And they’re metal speedos too. Jesus, why?!”
“Look, do you realize how much I have to twist my limbs to assume the forms needed to create your dorky vehicles? The least I could expect is for you to be a little more understanding about this. A little gratitude wouldn’t hurt either.”
“OK, I’m grateful that the hair you have on your body doesn’t extend to other parts of yourself.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it, you horrible woman.”
“And look… we got a completely worthless bow as well. You want it, Laya?”
“Nah, you just keep that one.”
“Well, at least this isn’t anything laconic. I don’t know how much less of a damn I could give.”
“Crys, I know you’re a prince and all, but… that one’s for me.”
“Nepotism! Well, here. Have your crown. I bet you’re not even a queen.”
“Actually, I am. Besides, as you can see, this crown is obviously made for a female regent. Though I’m fairly sure you’d look REALLY pretty in it, Crys.”
“I was… just kidding.”
“Well, that was certainly a huge load of not much fun.”
“I could really do with a change of scenery soon. And that’s not limited to ‘odd places with a lot of old geezers standing around’.”
“We’ll be fine. Just remember… avoid making any eye contact and just walk briskly past them. They can smell fear or uncertainty, so you don’t want any of them peering into your soul before you’re good and ready.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“Yes, I am. I just don’t want to hear them blather about things we’ve heard before.”
“OK, now remember: NO eyecontact. Walk quickly.”
“Yes, mom.”
“OK, that went well. I guess we’re free to go down again and explore some of the oceans.”
“I can’t wait until we get to see the subparts again.”
“I can. As long as I have to.”
“Alrighty, frozen wastes, here we are again. Shall we try walking barefeet this time?”
“NO!”
“Hey, I walk barefoot all the time.”
“But your feet are your boots, so you don’t count.”
“”Well, I’m glad to see we’ve chosen the somewhat direct route.”
“Yeah, well, Aridia has ONE airstrip smack dab in the middle, so Elysium is the place to go.”
“Thanks to da man, Wren, and his awesomely hilarious parts.”
“Stop making this harder than it needs to be.”
“There’s no such thing, Wren.”
“OK, one night’s rest, and we’re all ready to go. Let’s see where this airstrip takes us.”
“The airstrip isn’t taking you anywhere. Me, however… that’s going to depend on how tired you guys make me of the bonus parts I carry. Remember, save for one certain town, there’s nowhere we can’t walk to.”
“Oh, we’ll see about that.”
“Yes, there it is, that completely non-ominous temple lying underwater. We’ll be needing your boating parts for that, Wren.”
“It’s a shame, then, that I can’t change in air like this. So suck it up and find another airstrip.”
“Oh, fine!”
“Well, now… this will work out just fine.”
“Nah! Not by far enough distance between them.”
“Oh, stop complaining and prepare for transformation. We’re going in for landing.”
“Yeah, yeah. I don’t have to enjoy this, you know.”
“OK, we’re about there. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you’d be willing to at least turn away when I transform.”
“No, of course not. Why would we want to do that?”
“To save me the emb… oh, never mind.”
“Oh wow, OK… that is definitely the most embarrassing one yet.”
“I guess it would be too much to ask for only the ladies to ride this particular form.”
“…..”
“Ohohoho, Wren, you dirty little bastard. Is that the second CPU core in your pants talking or did some Viagra spam get caught up in the main receptors?”
“Well, let’s go.”
“You’re kind of clunky for a Waverider, Wren.”
“Well, sorry for not being designed to bend into shapes like this. Damn those third party support modules. They never take into consideration the feelings of those whose products they make.”
“You know, it’s strange that we’ve never encountered any of your parts, Mieu. I just bet you’d make a much nicer looking aircraft, submarine and a Waverider.”
“There was, but I actually had them all hunted down and destroyed. I had to do SOMETHING constructive while I waited for Prince Rhys to become a teenager.”
“I KNEW it!”
“Here we are. Have you guys gotten your wills ready? Because this is where I try directly transforming between two vehicle modes for the first time.”
“Eh, you’ll do fine.”
“Such heartwarming concerns… for yourselves.”
“There are trees…. growing underwater. Why are trees growing underwater?”
“Lazy programming?”
“Limited memory?”
“More insufferable breaking of fourth walls?”
“OK, forget I ever questioned anything. Let’s just go.”
“OK, so we’re reaching the main grounds here. I have no idea why this temple felt it had to make us go all around it. Are they trying to artificially lengthen our quest?”
“That would make sense if there only were any enemy encounters here, but there aren’t. We’re just floating around… havin’ a ball.”
“That’s a great idea. Let me just transform back, and we can have a break and a dance.”
“OHGODWAITDON’TDOITAAAAAARGHWE’REALLGOINGTODIE!”
“Juuust kidding.”
“…..”
“This is your idea of revenge, isn’t it?”
“Yep. If you’re going to cheat yourself out of it and leave all the undignified work to me, I’m going to take every opportunity for personal fun I can.”
“Well, that’s just bloody unfair.”
“I am getting SUCH bad vibes from this place.”
“But there’s Orakio’s sword, which we were sent to get, right?”
“Yes, but still….”
“Well, let’s just go pick it up, so that we can get the hell out of here. I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”
“Hmmm. Nothing on this side. Haven’t these guys ever heard of symmetrical balance? The least they could do was to put a chest here or something.”
“It’d probably just contain a monomate or something similarly useless at this point anyway.”
“Well…. yeah.”
“OK, here we are. Let’s do this oddly Arthurian thing here.”
“Hmmm. What does this engraving say.”
“Oh, just hurry up and grab it so that we can get out of here.”
“OK, both arms now, and…. *HNNNG*”
“It says ‘I hold-‘ OH GOD WAIT, CRYS, DON’T PULL THAT….”
Oh dear, it looks like our heroes have fallen prey to a very bad decision, and as they are about to unleash evil upon the world… well, the ship… which IS their world… whatever… now where was I? Oh, yes, evil. Anyway, just as they just unleash evil upon this shipworldthingie, our heroes find themselves reflecting on their lives as fast as they can before darkness engulfs them all and snuffs out their lives, as is surely the next thing that will happen.
“…wait, did he… did he just play the ‘I’ll kill you later’ card?”
“He did! Why… why would he DO that? Didn’t he read the Evil Overlord list?”
“I think the more pressing question for us, though, is ‘why haven’t we left yet?’ ”
“Oh… right.”