Chapter 14: Fly me to the Lune.
“And right off the bat in this frozen hellhole, we meet balls of fire and scantily clad women. Please tell me I’m not the only one who finds this incredibly odd.”
“You’re not the only one who finds this incredibly odd.”
“Well, I didn’t say you needed to rephrase that directly, but… thanks.”
“And behind the fire, there is a Primus.”
“Well, that goes without saying.”
“Tro..gess? What does it do?”
“After all the incredibly silly attacks I’ve seen so far, I’m ready for anything.”
“Now, now, don’t say that. It’s got some pretty nasty, clawed hands.”
“Which it might use to wave menacingly at us for less than ten damage.”
“Or it might… uh, stun us with Hindu squats and clapping.”
“Things sure has turned more… um, interesting… while I was sleeping.”
“Not to mention silly.”
“Yes, yes. Let’s just be polite and not stare. Come on, everyone.”
“Oh, look. Now it became sad. It even took out its violin.”
“And a very small one at that.”
“Aaaand we reached the city. Relatively painlessly, even.”
“Not quite. My sides are hurting quite a bit.”
“Well, that couldn’t be helped. The Trogress party that ambushed us was quite hilarious. Er.. I mean… uh, dangerous. Yeah, that’s it. Dangerous indeed.”
“Oh, come on. I know we’ve been backtracking a lot, but…”
“Unnecessarily, even.”
“Yes, I was about to say that. Anyway, centuries? That’s even longer than I’ve lived, and you guys have been waiting that long? Don’t you have… I dunno… JOBS or something?”
“Their job is to wait. For centuries.”
“Har har. Anyway, you say you’ve been waiting for centuries, woman, but you don’t look that old. Are you lying to me? Huh? Are you lying to me, woman?!”
“Oh, I’m sure. I mean, it’s not like they could’ve been in CRYOGENIC SLEEP or anything.”
“She looks quite awake to me, not to mention non-android… like.”
“I think all the travelling has started taking its toll on master Crys here.”
*sigh* “Yeah, well, I’m looking forward to some of that silence myself.”
“But… but… we just came. Couldn’t we save the dungeon-crawling for tomorrow? Hell, I’ll treat everyone to enough rounds of beer to make it a literal dungeon crawl.”
“Should I be worried about the fact that it’s actually sounding like a really appealing offer?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking alcohol isn’t the kind of substance that inspired the name of this place.”
“What does THAT have to do wi… you know what? Never mind. Let’s just make like this castle and be silent.”
“If this thing is named ‘Laya Pendant’, then why didn’t you already have it?”
“Because my sister was always mother’s favorite. *grumble* Stupid favoritism…”
“OOOOOKAY, MOVING ON NOW!”
“Really? Cool.”
“Not to mention that’d be something new.”
“Not true. Not true at all. First, we… uh… well, my grandfather went out after a woman, and then my father learned we were living in a gigantic spaceship. And then… uh, we… we learned that there were two people named Laya.”
“Of course. How could I ever forget?”
“Cool! Doors! That will be something new.”
“Aaaand here’s one.”
“That’s a castle gate.”
“Hey, it’s door… like.”
“How?!”
“Well, it… uh, opens up and closes, and… well… it can bar people from entering.”
“IT’S A GATE!”
“Told you we should’ve spent the night at the inn.”
“Oh, shut up! And what happened to the ‘silence’ part?”
“And we are inside.”
“Whoop-de-doo.”
“But it IS a good thing. I didn’t like how the townspeople were staring at us in… um… total silence.”
“It’s probably one of those ‘goes with the territory’ things.”
“I might’ve believed that if not for the verbal diarrhea that met us at the city entrance. Castle of silence my foot.”
“In fact, make that ‘CASTLE my foot’. This place is nothing but small shacks with stairs and nothing else.”
“And a garden labyrinth.”
“Oh, how could I ever FORGET. Because, you know, someone forgot his LUMBERJACK parts.”
“I didn’t FORGET them. I just refuse to wear them.”
“Why?!”
“Because women’s clothing isn’t quite my style, especially when hanging around at bars.”
“Oh, OK…wait, what?”
“You don’t like women’s clothing hanging around at bars?”
“That… wasn’t what he was saying. Wait, actually, it was. I have a headache.”
“Now this is just mean. At least three chances of getting it wrong.”
“D’OH!”
“Just one row off. Not your lucky day, is it?”
“Well, at least we found the hidden stairway in the ass end of nowhere.”
“And now we entered said ass end. Take from that what you will.”
“…..”
“Dude, ew!”
“Oh yeah, something tells me we’re going to get good and sick of stairs before all this is said and done.”
“Shouldn’t we be more concerned about the fact that we’re making a ruckus in the Castle of Silence?”
“Not really. Why?”
“Well, it’s probably called the Castle of Silence for a reason.”
“And…?”
“Never mind.”
“And we can only cross this shack and go down again.”
“Uh… and up again.”
“Aaaand down again. Yeah, that was really goddamned necessary.”
“Getting seasick now.”
“Hang on, Laya, because there’s still a mile left of this grand shack-a-thon.”
“You might say there’s still… rough seas ahead.”
“Oh, you.”
“Have you ever gotten the feeling that we’re walking in circles?”
“Not really, but I don’t blame you.”
“This is nothing for Wren Stairmaster, mark 2. I laugh at your trials.”
“Well, I laugh at you and all your silly kniggits.”
“I have no idea what they’re talking about anymore.”
“I think this is kind of like airsickness, only it comes in steps.”
“OHAHAHAHAHAHASWEETJESUSINEEDAIR…!”
“Wait, no… I… I didn’t mean… that wasn’t…”
“You’re all a bunch of weirdos.”
“Found it.”
“What? That’s it? Where are the words? Weren’t we going to be tested? Where are the DOORS?!”
“Where is my ‘We went to Mystoke, and all they could afford was this dinky, little throne room’ T-shirt?”
“Where’s my chance to punch M. C. Escher in the face?”
“Uh… we’ll ask when we return to the main town.”
“Oops, uh… I have some bad news, everyone.”
“Did we run out of Dimate?”
“Are we looking at another enemy encounter?”
“Did the Alisian naming committee finally reject my request to choose a new name?”
“Er… what?”
“It was just a joke. Carry on.”
“Well….”
“Our return back might be somewhat delayed.”
“D’OH!”
“Well, I’m sure that if we go over here, we’ll get something really valuable.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
“Well, that’s another 10 Meseta saved.”
“I wish I had your optimistim.”
“Or your sarcastic bite.”
“10 Meseta AND a bite. It’s a special offer.”
“Thanks, but we’ve already had a full tour of the place.”
“And let me tell you right now; we are planning to sue over the complete lack of door, test and word-related activities.”
“We even hired Johnny Cochran.”
“If the stairs won’t make you fit, you gotta… uh.. quit. OK, this joke isn’t working. Let’s just move on.”
“PLEASE!”
“Well, we’re thrown back to the cruel, cold world outside.”
“What did you expect, making a joke like that?”
“Laughter?”
“You would, you… you…”
“Why, Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.”
“And even though it’s this cold outside, she doesn’t… um…”
“Doesn’t what? And why are you looking at me like that?”
“Nothing.”
“Could we concentrate on the fight, please?”
“A POX UPON THEE, I SAY!”
“I think she’s waving goodbye.”
“…before killing us.”
“Now there’s a nice thought.”
“Alrighty, time to see if this works. Fingers crossed, everyone.”
“OH GOD, DARKNESS!”
“Thiiiis iiiiissss nooo-”
“GUH! The… the darkness is gone.”
“Well, that was unpleasant.”
“Let’s never do that again.”
“….um…”
“Hoo boy.”
“We’re… going to do that again, aren’t we?”
“This is definitely one of those ‘choosing the lesser of two evils’ situations, isn’t it?”
“Well, here we are, just outside that town we couldn’t visit before due to the water that wasn’t even on this cheap piece of ass monitor. I TOLD you we should’ve gone for a more expensive one.”
“There’s no point. They’re all sponsored by the Backtracking Association of Landen.”
“We’re screwed either way, huh?”
“Wow! No time for introductions, huh? Just smack dab into the sun, and boom… that’s it!”
“Ah, we just spoke to the wrong person. My bad.”
“East on this path? As far as I can remember, east of this city is water.”
“Unless they mean on this very path, which would just be silly.”
“Yep. Just waaaalking eastwards on the path in this town, totally not expecting anything to happen. Nothing to it. Nothing at…”
“…allGAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO DOORS? STAIRS? VISIBLE STAIRS, EVEN?!”
“Dude, get with the times. Frustration is the new mystery.”
“That doesn’t even BEGIN to… to… never mind. Let’s just see where this leads.”
“A Monomate. At this point, they might as well just have farted in this chest and closed the lid. This thing is just taking up space in our inventory.”
“Uh… yeah, let’s just leave it at that.”
“OK, now this is new.”
“Not to me, it isn’t.”
“Yeah, I could see this coming a mile away.”
“Nice of you to share it with us, then.”
“ALL ABOARD THE SPACESHIP EXPRESS!”
“Your mother has taught you well.”
“I’m still rather surprised that we have all this, but live in hovels and temples that look SO last millennium.”
“Maybe they were just big fans of the rustic look.”
“I CAN SEE M…oh, wait, I can’t.”
“Of course you can’t. We haven’t even left the dome yet.”
“And how do we do that, by the way, without creating a vacuum? I assume we operate on something a little more complicated than ‘just smashing through’?”
“Of course we do. You worry too much.”
“Well, we’re outside, but I STILL can’t see my house from here.”
*sigh*
“That’s really important for you, isn’t it?”
“Well, of course? How else will I get the chance to shout it out?”
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT!”
“Well, we’re approaching the… um, purple moon.”
“This is like out of some bad sci-fi movie or something.”
“Do tell.”
“Well, this is new.”
“Not quite.”
“Good grief, it’s even mostly the same design. Lazy bastards.”
“If they’re so alike, I wonder how this moon looks purple from a distance if the other one looked blue.”
“Best not to think too hard about that.”
“I’ll… take your word for it.”
“Which begs the question: why should we care? We’re not exactly here to socialize.”
“Um…. ok? Aero parts, huh. Sounds very useful.”
“Hoo boy.”
“Aaaand also an embarrassment waiting to happen.”
“You have NO idea!”
“Ohoho, now this is something to look forward to.”
“Yes, we… just heard someone else say that, but thanks anyway.”
“GAH! Wait… just… what… did we just get another party member?”
“You did, so stop complaining.”
“Complaining? Hey, why should I complain about my party consisting of more than 50% females. That’s A-OK in my book.”
“Well, I… um… ok. I’ll just take that as a compliment… for now.”
“And you sure did a bang-up job on that.”
“I wonder who thought it was a brilliant idea to kidnap a royal member of this kingdom and not expect her brother to completely wreck their place in retaliation. I may have rested in cryogenic sleep for far longer than recommended myself, but it still sounds like a spectacularly bad idea as far as I’m concerned.”
“I think we’re all in agreement on that.”
“Well, I admit it was sweet of my brother to do so, but crushing an entire kingdom — and the wrong one, even — might just count as ‘overreacting somewhat’. I love my brother and all, but I wish he would try asking first.”
Now how is this for a turn of events. Crys, almost a full generation late, didn’t quite find the confrontation he was expecting. Not knowing what to do, he eventually turned to the king in hopes of getting to the bottom of this.
“You… wait, did you take revenge, or did you go on a rampage for the sake of your sister?”
“Well… both. Kinda. Sorta.”
“Right. I just wanted to establish that. And now that I did, I have only one question for you….”
“Uh…. ok.”
“Can I… go down into your cellar?”
“Um…. sure, I guess.”
“Thank you.”
“Wow! That was anticlimactic, wasn’t it?”