Chapter 01 – Sticks and stones may break my bones, but swords will always hurt me.
“Well, there’s no place better for looting like jail right? Sounds crazy, but apparently my homeland is so wealthy that even our jail cells contain treasure chests. That’s just freakin’ awesome.”
“This isn’t a sword! OK, now I’m just disappointed.”
“300 Meseta. Now they’re just being mean. Where am I supposed to spend that on wine and wenches.”
“A… monitor? What’s that even for? Will I ever learn?”
*sigh* “I guess that’s it for looting. It was fun, but over much too soon, and there’s nothing else to do here. I give this jailcell…. two stars.”
“SHUT YER TRAP AND GET OVER HERE ON THE DOUBLE, YA TWIT!”
“Heeey, I know that voice.”
“Lena, my good, ol’ childhood friend. How are ya?”
“Yeah, yeah, like you’re in a position to give me lectures, donkey-breath. Did you piss off ol’ papa again?”
“Sure did. And all because I wanted to take the army out for a ride and wage a little war. He can be SUCH a stick in the mud at times.”
“Now that’s just uncharacteristically mild of you, Lena. You feeling OK, there?”
“Sure I am, Rhys! You want my foot in that big mouth of yours as well? That can be arranged, you know.”
“Now that’s more like it.”
“And if you fail, I’ll tear that head off your goddamn shoulders and shove it, mouth first, up your asshole. Then you can choke on your own crap and failures.”
“Yes, yes, I love you too, darling. Don’t you ever shut yer filthy trap, woman!”
“OK, so I’m now outside the Technique distribution store, which for some reason has a secret entrance to the castle jail. Good to know one can always count on secret passageways, even if they’re clichéd as sin. But now for something more important….”
“…SWORDS! Yessir, it’s good to have some Meseta in my pocket and a plan for the road ahead. It’s good to be a man.”
“Phlagh! I don’t know which is sadder: that the only sword here is a Short Sword, or that I can barely afford it. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers, but I do wish Princes could be, at least.”
“And even sadder, it more than tripled my attack power, and even upped my defense. It… upped my defense? Well, I guess one can always say that the best defense is a good offense, so at least it makes sense. And on that note…”
“Why not bolster that defense with some more defense. Double the pleasure and all.”
“But wasn’t Laya just a legend? Good Lord, but you people sure believe a lot in what is supposed to be forgotten. Sometimes I even wonder if THIS WORLD knows what it wants.”
“Is that also a legend? Or may I count this as useful information?”
“….”
“Yaata, city of legend. Doesn’t sound… quite… right. Kind of conjures the mental images of… men in leaved underpants. Ew!”
“Really? Who died? The God of dignity? The chance for justice? My dog? Did someone kill my dog? DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!”
“Well, that sounds usefuHEEEEY! How do YOU know about the workings of a device locked up in the castle jail? Is there something you aren’t telling me, buddy? I’m all for good advice, but dirty secrets are even better.”
“Oh, sure, we all live in rustic shacks and castles and fight with swords and knives, but we sure know what machines are. Yet we can’t even build a single path to the castle gate to save our lives. I just don’t get some people.”
“And you know that, too, random peasant? You guys sure are informed. Well, it’s not like I have a reason to enter the eastern cave, right? No reason to believe that, right?”
“Ooh, hey, a strip joint. Yeah, I’ll have me a little fun before I leave.”
“This isn’t a strip joint?! Color me blue and call me disappointed. Maybe there’s some more action upstairs.”
“Oooh, helloooo nurse. This is doctor Loooove here for his medicine.”
“Yeah, sure. The prince takes some time out of his incredibly busy scedule of escaping jail and saving the future princess to come and talk to you, but you need your beauty sleep. You peasants are all the same.”
“But… but I just came up from that place. Why would you stop me from going down there when I know what’s there? And why would I need to go down there again in the first place? The world may never know.”
“Yeah, I kind of regret parading her through Landen after finding her, because now people won’t shut up about her. Oh well, I better go find her so that I can bring her back. And for that, I need some supplies.”
“Monomate, because someone in the past thought that it would be a neat idea to make our medicine sound like a sex toy. Y’ know, for those long, lonely journeys.”
“…..”
“Better buy a few, just in case.”
“And that’s that. Wow, I think this might very well be the first time I ever go outside on my own. This is going to be awesome. I’m going to walk across our lands and fight epic enemies.”
“I… uh, this is… a chick? Do I have to kill it? Can’t I just keep it instead? It’s so… cute. Even its name is cute. C’mon. Please? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?!”
“…..”
“OK, fine!”
“See? One experience point and one gold. That was totally worth it, and I’ve only got little fluffy’s life on my conscience for it.”
“Oh, almost forgot about the monitor. And what a hi-tech device it is. It’s got…. three circular map areas. This must be the world… worlds? What does this mean? Will I ever find out?”
“Oh great. Now I fight yet another chicklet and… uh, a mole with horns. Oh, well, at least I don’t have to feel so bad about killing this one, since it’s not even remotely as cute.”
“Damn it, and I get poisoned to boot. Oh well, at least that gives me an excuse to visit that cute nurse. I even get to give her money this time.”
“Oh yeah, I want you to cure me. I’m so up for some hands-on treatment, if you know what I mean.”
“Well, here I am. And that’s a mighty big boat there. Did someone just park Noah’s Ark outside of here? That’ll explain the animals I fought on my way here. Probably.”
“Now this is one humongous mansion. The strippers in here must be filthy stinking rich.”
“Or not. Somebody really should put their building space to better use. You can fit in more girls that way.”
“Man, this is one shabby hotel. The concept of privacy is apparently lost on these people. I am NOT spending even ONE night here.”
“It’s… cheap, though. Oh, alright…”
“Hmm. Level 4 so far, and a whole whopping 40 HP. Bring it on!”
“Goddamn it, poisoned again.”
“….”
“Er… I mean, HOORAY, poisoned again. Oh, nuuuurse?”
“Whoop-de-doo, level 5. Damage and defense is coming along nicely. Could use some more speed, though.”
“….”
“Er… I meant… uh, don’t forget: drugs are bad, mmmkay?”
“Seven Meseta for my old garment? These are royal garments, you know. You won’t be able to find that just anywhere. Yes, I KNOW it just says garment, but trust me on this.”
“Cyborgs? Good luck charms? Does anything about ‘bringing electronic devices out to sea’ sound like a really neat idea to you? You old people make no sense. ‘Cyborgs are good luck charms’. ‘Throw your son in jail just because he wants to bring war to a whole race of people over a girl’. It’s all just crazy talk with you.”
“Ilan? Well, at least that name doesn’t sound like it means ‘crazy dance in underpants’.”
“Yeah, I know. Crazy, huh? Then again, that’s old people for you.”
“As long as he doesn’t do that in his crazy leaf underpants, I’m all for that.”
“Oh well, I guess I gotta head east. And there’s the bridge. I wonder if…”
“Yep. Here’s the town of Ilan, alright. I wonder if the people here are as down with Orakio as in Yatta, the underpants town.”
“Come to Ilan. We’ve got ridiculously expensive slicers. Or does ‘slr’ mean something completely different? Do I even want to know?”
“…in a game of Checkers. In fact, I’m kind of hankering for a game right now.”
“I’m not sure I’d blink either, what with the way you’re staring at me. I mean… do YOU ever blink? Because I’ve yet to see that myself, buddy.”
“At any rate, the concept of some non-blinking woman intrigues me. I shall have to go to the lake and check her ou… um, check IT out myself.”
“Well, this is not a lake. What IS this?”
“It’s a palace. And it talks. Well, I guess I know how the people in town knows all about layans and whatnot. This temple talks too much. DID YOU HEAR ME?! YOU TALK TOO MUCH!”
“I do declare, that kind of looks like a woman. And she’s wearing a red bodysuit too. That’s hot in more ways than one.”
“You’ve been waiting for me for 1000 years? As in ‘more than fifty times as long as I’ve even lived’? How does that even work?”
“Well, according to contract, I was waiting for a descendant of Orakio. Unfortunately, I was not programmed to be choosy.”
“Well, good for me. That means I get to bring you with me, right?”
*sigh* “Yes.”
“Oh yeah, time for solitude is over. I got me harem started now, yessiree.”
“Hmm. I wonder if our next enemy is going to be very dangerous. Then I can access my stealth node, and…”
“You OK, Mieu? Were you saying something?”
*sigh* “Nothing.”
“That’s twice you’ve been sighing now. I didn’t even know cyborgs could sigh like that. But then, if you can stand around for a whole goddamn millennium, I guess nothing’s impossible.”
*sigh*
And so, with his new partner in tow, Rhys once again sets out to reclaim his bethrothed. Maybe not the biggest, most world-threatening quest among the world of heroes, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do and all that jazz. As for the dangers our newest member was talking about…
“Øh my Gød, it’s a møøse. We are in big trøuble nøw, sø make ‘im hørt. Preparing my swørd as we løøk at øur chances øf getting thrøugh this in øne piece.”
“Stop that!”