Chapter 9: Much ado about not getting anywhere.
“Oh, so you JUST figured that out?”
“Well… yeah. We might be rogues, but we’re not thieves.”
“See, Alex, there’s a difference between the bully who beat you up for your money and the bully who beat you up just for the hell of it.”
“Yes, but… what does THAT have to do with the price of White Dragon Wings in Reza?”
“I don’t know, Kyle. It was one of YOUR men.”
“Ok, ok, I’ll take care of it. Yeesh.”
“And we recently passed a guy who just so happened to be working on an air balloon. I sure can’t see where they’re going with THAT.”
“If it’s all the same to you guys, I just want to head east, pass over that bridge and get this quest over with. After we go and reclaim my dragon wings, that is.”
“I dunno, Alex. I got a bad feeling about that.”
“And why’d you get that?”
“It’s an old superstition. Brigdes mean trouble.”
“What? Come on! That’s jus… oh, wait. We did have a bit of a problem with the last bridge we crossed, didn’t we?”
“I don’t remember that. When did it happen?”
“I’d… rather not go into it, if it’s alright.”
“Obviously, it had to happen when we met up with you, right? It’s basically what started us all off after we got the diamond.”
“Can we please stop talking about that damn diamond? It’s brought me far more trouble than it was worth. FAR more trouble.”
“All that just because of a bridge. I wonder if bridges will continue to make problems in the future.”
*and, in said future…*
“Halt! Those who enter the bridge of Nota must answer me these questions three…”
“Oh god, here we go.”
“Not only is this scene so ludicrously left field, it feels strangely… fated, somehow. As if the whole concept of crossing a bridge is cursed with eternal misfortune.”
“Lucia, you’ve said a whole lot of weird-ass nonsense during our trip, but this just takes the cake.”
“Can we please just answer these damn questions so that we can move on? Time is money, you know.”
“Somehow, I feel ‘moving on’ isn’t going to be an option here.”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Was that a question? Because I have no idea?”
“No, I just… oh, never mind. Guards? Make it hurt.”
“Ups. Guys? Exit, stage right.”
*back in the past…er, present*
“Nah, that’s just silly, Mia.”
“Ahaha, of course. What was I thinking?”
“Well, the saying goes: ‘Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you’. Or something.”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
“I dunno. I think it means that if he wants anything interesting to happen, he’s gotta go out and trouble trouble or something.”
“Alex, remind me never to ask Kyle about anything that requires any amount of thought before opening one’s mouth.”
“Hey, look. It’s our new best friend, Dross. How’s the face, buddy?”
“Who’s that?”
“Oh, he’s just some guy who tried running off with our diamond, which lead us on a merry chase through the sewers of Meribia. We kind of beat him up repeatedly for a while to let off some steam.”
“Well, that explains the bruises. When did that happen?”
“A couple of months ago, I think. It was the first thing we did when we came to Meribia. After that, Vane and the cave of trials, then Lann and the whole business with the fake dragonmaster, and then travelling back overseas with Ghaleon and the whole business with him trying to take over the world.”
“All that for a diamond you didn’t even care about, and the bruises are still showing? Man, remind me never to piss you off.”
“Hey, worry more about your man who took off with the dragon wings.”
“Er… of course.”
“GAH! DON’T DO THAT!”
“Well, whaddya know. It’s Scotty.”
“Ahaha, lads. Still comical as ever. So, where’s the chunky one?”
“Well, he kind of left us back in Meribia.”
“Um… guys, who’s that?”
“And what’s up with that outfit?”
“Or the accent?”
“That accent’s nothing compared to Mel’s.”
“Yeah, that’s tr..HEY!”
“Well, this is nice and all, but I just have to know one thing.”
“If it’s got anything to do with swallows, count me out.”
“What?”
“Details? Ugh, I’ve been trying my damnedest to forget. The rambling, the mad cackling, the kidnapping of everyone in our town, the…” *sob*
“Whoa, that bad?”
“Be strong, Alex. You can do this.”
“He… he SHOT QUARK TO DEATH WITH A CROTCH LASER! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”
“…..are you pulling my leg, Alex?”
“That’s for damn sure. He’s crying like a little girl now.”
“Oh, shut up, Kyle. You weren’t there, so don’t even begin to pretend you understand.”
“Is he even listening to me anymore?”
“…probably not.”
“Anyway, we were kind of in the process of finding a thief…”
“Well, then you came to the right place.”
“…who stole the White Dragon Wings.”
“Oookay, now that’ll be a little bit harder.”
“Sure, Lily. It’s not like I’ve heard that one a thousand times before or anything.”
“So, what are you aiming for? Idol? Lunar’s got talent?”
“Oh, come on. Can’t you make an exception for someone about to beat a White Dragon Wings thief to within an inch of his life?”
“Eep. Alex, I said I’d take care of it. Anyway, I don’t think she’s going to let us in unless we’re thieves guild members.”
“Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do, then.”
“Er…. don’t do anything rash now, Alex.”
“Well, no, but unless we become thieves guild members…”
“Oh, so THAT’S what you meant. Never mind, then.”
“Yeah. What did you think I meant?”
“Eheh, nothing.”
“For one who doesn’t promote such a lifestyle, you sure are making a good living out of it.”
“Alex, don’t knock the man. He’s just doing what he can. Besides, everyone knows the big money is in the protection racket.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. For your own protection, of course.”
“I’m not worried about that. With your attention span, you usually forget what I tell you after a short while anyway.”
“Hee hee, that’s true.”
“Anything goes?”
“Um… no, we’re supposed to use our hands or our tools. So charge down that lightning bolt.”
“Tools, eh? Well, then, step aside.”
“Argh! Jessica, put away that mace. I was referring to lockpicks and such. It’s meant to be a stealthy job. We can’t just go around smashing stuff to get what we want.”
“Why not? We’ve done well with that tactic for quite a while now.”
“And besides, you sure seems to know a lot of the lifestyle and workmanship secrets of the thief, Kyle. Care to explain?”
“Hey, do you want your dragon wings back or don’t you? Now stop being a pedantic little brat.”
“‘Ting’?”
“What’s taking so long?”
“I knew we should just have gone with the lightning bolt.”
“No, the mace.”
“Um… I really think we shouldn’t be doing this in the first place.”
“We don’t have a… ungh… choice. Now shut up… oof… and let me do my job.”
“Don’t quit your day job.”
*quite some time later*
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Jessica, have you ever cried? Well, except that one time after your father got turned to stone?”
“Not that I can remember. Why?”
Nothing. How about you, Mia?”
“Of course not! What kind of spineless, fragile airhead do you take me for?”
“What about Luna? Is she the weepy type?”
“Hardly. She’s more liable to punch you in the face if you piss her off, rather than cry about it.”
“I guess we have nothing to worry about, then.”
“Feh! Sounded more like those rules were made to make the thieves guild look noble when they’re really a bunch of… well, thieves.”
“And speaking of hardass women, here’s our bazaar guardian.”
“Doesn’t look like she’s ever shed a tear in her life.”
“Well, never mind that. We’ll finally be getting my dragon wings back.”
“And make it quick and snappy, because the tooth fairy will be busy tonight.”
“Alex, for christ’s sake, I said I’ll handle it.”
“Oh, come ON!”
“Yeah. Do you honestly think we’ll buy that act?”
“Next thing, he’s going to blame someone else too.”
“I knew it!”
“This doofus honestly thinks we’re stupid enough to…”
“…buy that. I mean… Kyle, what the hell?”
“Yeah, not that I want to call you gullible or anything, but Kyle, you’re gullible. He’s obviously trying to save his own hide.”
“Whatever. I got me my dragon wings, so let’s just get the hell out of here.”
“Finally. And wow, if you fall down from those wooden structures, it’s a long way down.”
“This whole damn region is a flat area with steep cliffs into the sea. That makes no sense.”
“What’s the name of this town anyway?”
“Hoo boy, there’s just so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about we start crossing that brigde we came to cross? Wasn’t that the reason we… erm, came anyway?”
*twitch* “Let’s. Staying in this town will not be good for our health.”
“Oh, that’s just great. What’ll we do now?”
“I’m willing to chance it. I do NOT want to stay here in this town, and going back is not an option either.”
“This will not end well.”
“That’s ok, Nall. Come here and let me show you how much I care.”
“Hey, crossing this thing despite the warning was YOUR idea.”
“I feel all wet.”
“……”
“What?”
“Here’s an idea, though. How about getting on to dry land?”
“Hey, guys? Where are you going?”
“You think? And here I said we should all stick together.”
“You never said that.”
“Well, I thought about it.”
“…..”
“We tried to cross your stinking bridge, that’s what?”
“The fact that this town seems to consist of mostly bridges is kind of unnerving too.”
“That means I don’t need to feel quite as bad when I kick you off this pier.”
“Yikes, Alex. Calm down. These people might be a bunch of stereotypical inbreds, but that’s no reason to act like a complete psycho.”
“Um… yeah, that.”
“See, there was this…”
“And, well… it just…”
“Not to mention the… um, and then it just… happened, you know.”
“You’re also the ONLY carpenter in town.”
“Which, by default, also makes you the worst carpenter in town.”
“In any other town, I’d be inclined to agree with you.”
“However, in this case, I’m sure they’ve just heard about your bridge-building skills.”
“And your renowned eloquence.”
“Looks like some of these residents are about to find out what we’ve known for a while; that Mia is a walking case of misleading advertisement.”
“And how?”
“Actually… yeah, there’s one punch from her delicate little hands. And yikes, one delicate little foot right into that other guy’s groin. Yeesh, she sure is vicious. That hurt just from seeing it.”
“Um… ok, let me amend that. I think we should help these poor slobs out before Mia remembers she’s a powerful magician to boot.”
“And for my next attack…”
“Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Mia, hold it!”
“Dude, seriously… did we ask? No? Then shut the hell up.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to hurt them some more?”
“Tempting, but no. We got to find the others before something happens. I’m just glad I found you first.”
“You were?”
“Yeah. Those two idiots looked more than capable enough to make you torch the entire place to the ground.”
“Oh, you.”
“Hey, Nall. Correct me if I’m wrong, but fondling a lady’s ass doesn’t really count as ‘trying to be nice’, right?”
“Nope, that goes way, way past ‘first base’ territory, and I seriously doubt these idiots are up for pitch, even.”
“May I torch these losers to a cinder, Alex?”
“Whoa, wait. Let’s just have Jessica handle it if she wants to. There’s a place for the ‘complete immolation’ spell, but it is not here.”
“I thought you liked baseball.”
“Not THOSE kinds of passes, kitty. I mean they were flirting with me with this horrible, horrible dialect.”
“Well, they weren’t exactly holding you in place, so what stopped you from, oh… leaving the house?”
“Um, well…”
*sigh* “Well, let’s just go find the others.”
“You get this drunk from just one glass? Man, you are a little wussy, aren’t you?”
“That’sh true, but thish booze tey got here ish jusht badassh.”
“I… think I just realized why these numbskulls in this town are talking the way they do; by drinking themselves permanently stupid.”
“Euh, crap. I need uh bottle of coffee right nauw!”
“Here we go again.”
“Really? Does Taben say things like ‘curses, you win this time, Myght’ and ‘Soon, the world will be MINE!’ as well?”
“I wonder if we’ll ever meet these two.”
“Sounds inevitable, doesn’t it?”
“Nothing quite like being caught up in the battle between good and evil, huh, Kyle?”
“Kill me if you must, Jessica, but don’t talk to me. Ooough, my head.”
“A good noogie ought to sort that out.”
“Nonono, don’t do that. Leave me alone, woman.”
“What’s the matter, Nash. Sore because we picked up you last?”
“Oh, quiet. This is just indignifying for a mage of Vane.”
“Grnhfkls?!”
“Yeah, that’s the reaction I had when I first met her too.”
“What?!”
“He didn’t regain his ability not to sound like an idiot quite as fast, though.”
“Nall?!”
“Good question? Why do people try to cross bridges, I wonder?”
“And besides, since you knew it was rotten, didn’t it occur you that you should… oh, maybe FIX IT?!”
“I swear… if I have to go into yet another wood and pick up yet another axe….”
“Whoa, Alex, calm down.”
“Yes, that was the general idea. We’re having kind of a problem, though.”
“Oh? Like what?”
“Like getting a carpenter in a town to fix a bridge when it’s apparent the lot of them can barely get a lightbulb changed, even when they’re putting their brains together.”
“So you were the idiots that ruined the bridge? Oh, whatever.”
“Oh great, back to the town filled with crazies of a different kind. I’m in no rush to get there, believe you me.”
“And would that be the reason why we’re suddenly in Meribia again?”
“Yep. Gonna go check out that store again. I mean… what could happen?”
“Hey, Ramus. Say, have you seen the owner of this store?”
“H-hey, that’s rude. I’m the one who made this store happen, you know.”
“Oh, come on. You’re pulling my leg. Mr. ‘3000 silver is enough for this hugely fantastic dragon diamond’ has enough moxie to start a huge store?”
“Well, that was then and this is now. And this store is still mine.”
“I don’t know what to believe in anymore.”
“Nash, who’s that?”
“That’s the guy who was travelling with us until we reached Meribia. I guess you could say he’s hardly one silver a dozen or something, and that’s a good thing.”
“And that was supposed to be a compliment?”
“…sure, let’s go with that.”
“I really wish people would stop saying that. I’m more worried about what would happen if I did become a dragonmaster.”
“I know Luna would be overjoyed.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, since we’re here, how about shopping?”
“Nice idea.”
“Women!”
“WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“Aaaah, nothing.”
“Holy crap! 9200 gold for one of those?”
“Yeah. I guess we could afford those if we got a diamond from THE THREE OTHER DRAGONS!”
“You’re never going to leave me alone about that, are you?”
“Wait, what? Are we talking about the same girl?”
“I haven’t even met this Luna. Is she really that bad?”
“No, not really. She’s just a little… bossy. And motherly. And naggy. And ambitious. And…”
“Ok, ok. I get the point.”
“The vile tribe took an entire town to do slave work at some mine, and you’re worried about your payment? Where are your priorities, man?”
“You’re a fine one to talk, Alex. I know you don’t want to go to Iluk, but seriously… we’re visiting the axe fetchquest woodcutter from the start of this adventure?”
“I’ll do what I can to delay this as long as possible, damn it.”
“Wait! Does that mean…?”
“Apparently, it does. Alex, what the hell are we even doing here?”
“We’re going to go open that chest we found in this forest. Now that we’re totally awesome members of the thieves guild, that should be no problem.”
“Well, ok, so that makes sense, but still… why?”
“Oh wow, a vigor peach. Yeah, that made the trip out here worth it, alright.”
“Why, Nall, is that sarcasm I hear?”
“Nonono, not at all.”
“Why didn’t I just decide to wait in a bar somewhere? This is just dumb.”
“Alex, is there any other places you’d like to visit? I’d rather we went and got this over with so we can move on to more important matters?”
“Ok, ok.”
“Alex, you have three seconds to explain why you consider raiding Jessica’s underwear drawer ‘important business’ before I nuke you straight into the frontier.”
“Wait, that wasn’t my idea. I just wanted to go around emptying out all the remaining chests here. I’m sure Mel won’t mind, since he’s stone now.”
“Tactless, but logical. Ok, fine. Let’s just hurry.”
“Wow, this is some primo stuff. You sure you don’t mind us taking these, Jessica?”
“Sure. Whatever keeps you away from my lingerie is fine with me.”
“It’s an ‘earth cane’? It’s kind of moldy.”
“Yes, of course. Because it’s an earth cane.”
“And?”
“You ask too many questions. It’s magic, after all.”
“Right.”
“Alright, I think that’s everything.”
“Finally!”
“Are you sure, Alex? There isn’t any other chests for you to rifle through? Some other people’s property to take for our own? I know we’re thieves guild members and all, but this doesn’t feel right with me.”
“If you don’t like it, you can just go home, you know.”
“I have to do no such thing.”
“Oh, shut up the both of you. We are going to Iluk right now, and that’s the end of that!”
“Yes, ma’am.”
And so, after much toil and trouble, it looks like our heroes once again will be making some headway. They set the course for Iluk once again to see what can be done, and hopefully the people there are willing and able to help.
“Yes, you already told us that.”
“And this is the guy whose balloon we are supposed to trust to get us somewhere?”