Chapter 8: Borderline danger across the border.
“What made you draw that conclusion, Sherlock?”
“First, not being an idiot. Second, listening to what Quark said after he was crotch-gunned to death.”
“Yeah, yeah, but HOW do we use this?”
“Um… by clicking your heels together and say ‘there’s no place like Meribia’?”
“Who’s ‘not’ being an idiot now?”
“Yeah, yeah. Just try something, ok?”
“Hey, it worked.”
“Wha… what did you do?”
“I clicked my heels together and said…”
“Oh, come ON!”
“Ok, I was just kidding. No, I just did it.”
“You just ‘did it’.”
“Yep.”
“You know what? Never mind. Let’s just go see Mel.”
“Maybe he has any information about this trouble that’s seemingly plaguing this town.”
“Then again, maybe not.”
“What the… the guy can wield a huge, goddamn axe with one hand, and HE needs help? Where do WE even start?”
“Uh oh, I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“Cursed? That is… what kind of curse are we talking about anyway?”
“Yeah, I can understand why you’d make a mistake like that. That woman’s got some cleavage going.”
“What’s more, you were probably right in her being sent by Ghaleon, given what we just went through here.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’ve got mental images of the baby-faced demons that made up the Vile Tribe still. I didn’t know whether to run my sword through their chests or pinch their cute, little cheeks.”
“And that’s why you did both? That was… offputting, to say the least.”
“That’s because he IS alive. Just… stoned.”
“Nope! Not going to take the obvious joke setup bait. Next thing, we’ll be saying he’s ‘cracking under pressure’, and that’ll be that.”
“He was always a rock solid guy, but this…”
“And this, Nall, is what you refer to as a ‘hint’. You point out a desirable goal and make some vague hints how to go about getting to them. Like… say, if you were a bad dude…”
“Mel’s not exactly a president, though, but I guess that doesn’t matter.”
“Guys! Can’t a girl grieve in peace here?”
“Grieve? You don’t really look all that sad to me.”
*blink, blink* “Oh, right. Um…”
“Actually, we didn’t specifically say that.”
“Nall, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; that woman’s attention span….”
“It’s got a lifetime pass on the short bus, alright.”
“Yes, yes, but you ARE going after Ghaleon and Xenobia, right?”
“Look, I TOLD you th-.. oh, wait. This is one of those ‘hints’, isn’t it?”
“Good boy.”
“Do you think you can say ‘Ghaleon and Xenobia’ some more? We don’t want to lose track of our goals or anything.”
“I’m doing that for myself. There’s no telling when I’ll OH IT’S A CUTE KITTY!”
“GAH! Not again!”
“Oh damn, I knew I forgot about SOMETHING.”
“You FORGOT?! How could you forget something like this?”
“Hey, I didn’t see YOU fly screaming for the hills before we even entered the castle.”
“I’ll show you who’ll be running screaming for the hiWHOA, WOMAN! THAT AREA IS OFF LIMITS! NO TOUCHIE!”
“Awww, but kittie…”
“Maybe the two of you should get a room?”
“I’m so glad you find all this amusing, Alex, but… do you think you could, oh… perhaps HELP ME?!”
“Yeah, yeah. Alright, lady, fun’s over. We’ve got places to go, so get a hold of yourself.”
“Awww, but I want to pet the kittie.”
“Oh, alright. Nall, do you think you could put up with this until we reach Vane?”
“Vane?! Do you seriously expect me to WHOA!”
“Vane?! Mia’s in danger? Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go right this instant!”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”
“Neither will my butt. Ow.”
“Well, you can tell her that we told you we arrived, and we sent you to tell her what we told you what you should tell her. Or something.”
“Alex, you’re making less and less sense by the minute. Did you even connect your brain before you connected those words?”
“Sure, and I love it. Just look at the confused expression on the dude’s face.”
“Why are we still standing here waiting. Mia’s waiting.”
“You’re no fun.”
“Isn’t it a little early for her to get senile?”
“On the other hand, it’s never too early for foot-in-mouth disease. And man, you just went in there kicking and stomping, didn’t you?”
“I like the taste of soles.”
“Um…”
“You like the taste of souls? That’s just disturbing, man.”
“Who’s the one with the tasteless jokes now?”
“Guys?”
“Hey, I’ll have you know my jokes taste just fine.”
“Yeah, like cheese and fine wine.”
“GUUUYYYYS?!”
“AAAAAAAH!”
“You’ve been working on your glare. Nice going, girlfriend.”
“You… you… ‘nice going’, you say? Her eyes were glowing red!”
“Yeah. I mean… wasn’t that a bit much?”
“You don’t even know the half of it.”
“Well, I don’t WANNA know. So there.”
“Your loss.”
“Well, duh! No cookie for you.”
“I can feel Jessica’s fingerprints all over me.”
“What does THAT have to do with anything?”
“Nothing in particular. I just wanted to add something to the conversation about fingerprints.”
“He is, no question about it.”
“Yeah. It was kind of hard to miss his little ‘noone else deserves to rule the world but me MOUHAHAHAHAHA’ line.”
“It was mostly through revenge. He kind of didn’t take too well to the memorial stone.”
“He said something about ‘carrying his bitterness to his dying day’, didn’t he?”
“They’re rhetorical questions, guys. Rhetorical! Stop answering them!”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. That guy shot from the hip. In more ways than one, at that.”
“Yeah! I’ll have nightmares about his glowing crotchball until MY dying days.”
“His what?”
“This time, YOU don’t want to know. Trust me, you’ll sleep better.”
“Yeeeey.”
“Well… us taking him to meet the dragon was kind of our fault. No need to kick yourself over that.”
“And believe me; with all that forewarning, more egg in face for the both of us.”
“Ignorance is bliss, I guess.”
“You don’t even know the half of it.”
“Yeeeey.”
“Not that I want to stop you from joining or anything, but isn’t you being the heir a better reason to stay?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. Ok, how about if I just want to?”
“Hey, whatever works in your favor. Shall we be off?”
“That’s it! From now on, you shall be known as… Monkeybutt.”
“Stop giving me weird names, mr. Whipped.”
“That just makes me sound like a chef or something.”
“You’re no Ramsey, that’s for sure.”
“Aaaanyway, we’ve still got a spot free on our party roster. Who else should we bring along?”
“Well…. um, no, never mind.”
“What?”
“It’s nothing. Just forget it.”
“So, you DO know about someone, Jessica?”
“Nope. Noone that we can use.”
“Ok, maybe I didn’t make myself clear, so let’s try this again, but…”
“You DO know about someone, don’t you, Jessica?”
“Eeek…. yes. YES! Of course. Just… stop staring at me like that, Mia. We’ll go right away.”
“Whenever stuff needs to be done; Mia. Let’s all give her a hand.”
“Once again; Mia, lovely and fragile. Believe it!”
“Well, I’m not arguing with the ‘lovely’ part, at least when she’s not scary as sin.”
“Ok, guys, here we are. I just want to make it clear; you guys asked for this, and not me.”
“Why? What’s so bad about this guy?”
“You’ll see.”
“So, everything on the other side of the cave is ‘Kyle’s place’? He must be one kingly dude.”
“No, he’s only the chief of this place. As for what’s on the other side of the pass… well, that’s anybody’s guess.”
“Well, it’s not like we won’t be finding out in a little while anyway, so let’s go see this Kyle. From the looks of things, we need to if we want to go through these caves anyway.”
“Actually, we didn’t even have the time to eat anything the last time we went to Burg, so the only thing we got was one large helping of dragon cinder.”
“Wow, that just transcended into a whole new realm of tactlessness. Is there a university for that sort of thing in Burg?”
“Naw, Alex is a self-study of that particular course.”
“That’s nice and all, but could we please just get this over with?”
“Well, looks like we don’t have a choice.”
“Typical. Why does he have to make it so hard for people just to go through these caves?”
“Given the people we came across during the magic trial, I’d say this is a smart precaution. Lunar is apparently a world rich on bumbling idiots with no sense of direction whatsoever.”
“Yeah. Do you remember the guy who had lived in the magic trial caves for five years? How do you even do that?”
“By not being picky about your food for one.”
“Not to mention being impervious to the smell of urine.”
“No kidding. I almost thought not getting overpowered by the stench was part of the test.”
“Um… well, I guess it’s time we flushed out those caves, especially if it’s THAT bad.”
“Oh, let’s just say that it wasn’t just the sudden inertia from the height that made me want to throw up when I finally emerged from the trial.”
“Protection money? My god, but that’s almost a cliché all by itself. Do you spout lines about ‘not going against family’ while you’re at it?”
“Besides, that’s not goo I’m smelling.”
“Eww. Exit, stage left.”
“You slapped him?”
“Well… yeah. He was being a jerk.”
“Given that you’ve never slapped Alex over anything he said, that must have been quite the level of jerkitude.”
“Oh, quiet, you.”
“And Lunar’s little ray of sunshine.”
“Erm.. what?”
“Nothing.”
*cough* “Anyway….”
“I must Jessica? What does that even mean?”
“No, I meant… Jessica, what’s going on?”
“Nothing much, Kyle. My father just got stoned, and we have to go fight the Magic Emperor.”
“Well, that didn’t sound completely hilarious in all the wrong ways of the world at all.”
“Jessica, you might want to try rephrasing that.”
“How did they get in Master Mel’s what, he says. This is just becoming more and more amusing by the minute.”
“It’s almost like they’re wearing matching clothes.”
“Oh, shut up. As if I’d ever love this guy.”
“Ok, now it doesn’t even make any sense anymore.”
“They’re going at it, Madorian Phrasebook style.”
“I will not buy this record, it is scratched.”
“What?!”
“My dragonship is full of eels.”
“Mia, we should probably step away from the crazy people. It’s probably infectious.”
“Oh yes, what a chauvinistic bastard; not letting anyone just go spelunking through his caves without supervision.”
“Oh great, now you’re doing it too.”
“Doing what?”
“Never mind. Let’s just go before I get an innuendo-induced headache.”
“Nash, you’re so eloquent. Did they teach you that in Vane?”
“Yes, I took the ‘how not to be a drooling mouthbreather’ classes. They’re kind of mandatory, if somewhat redundant for about 99% of Lunar’s population.”
“Whoa-ho. I’m feeling the effects of a newfound admiration for your amazing skills in jackassery. Good job.”
“And yet I’m the one who gets a palm to the side of the face. Playing favorites, Jessica?”
“I sure am. Would you like me to favor you some more?”
“Nah, it’s ok. Spread the love some, please.”
“But first, let me tell you that I’m going to get out of your way before actually doing it, because what we really need is more bureaucracy and paperwork. By the way, will that be two or three copies?”
“I can see we won’t be lacking for funnies on our trip. Also, don’t mind the idiot. He’s kind of anal retentive. Just be glad you’re not here when he goes to the toilet to do his business.”
“Yyyyyeah, that was kind of too much information there, Kyle, ol’ buddy.”
“Story of my life.”
“Really? And I just bet one of them is good while the other is evil too. Kind of rivals as it were. And hey, I’m sure we will be meeting them both as well.”
“Oh, Alex, now you’re just being sill…um, actually, that DOES sound quite likely.”
“So we heard. And I still wonder who it can be, because it sure as hell can’t be Ramus.”
“Who is Ramus?”
“Oh, just this addle-brained doofus we brought with us from Saith. He… kind of had poor sense with money and business in general.”
“Really?”
“Let’s put it this way; the robes you could get in Vane cost more than twice the amount of what he SOLD A DRAGON DIAMOND FOR.”
“…right. Well, forget I asked.”
“Kyle, your men sure have heard about a lot of famous people living in random places of nowhere. Is this place some sort of information hub too?”
“Bingo, my red-headed friend in obviousness.”
“Avast. Hoist by my own petard. I feel silly now.”
“And here we are. Man, these caves look familiar. Sort of.”
“Well, stone and dirt walls are generally not known for their blazing individualities. They tend to be… well, kind of grey and brown and winding in slightly irregular angles. Besides, we’ve been in three of these dungeons so far. The white dragon dungeon didn’t look like this.”
“Alright, excuse me for expecting something a bit more… interesting.”
“You’ll get your wish, kitty, as soon as we exit on the other side.”
“That’s funny. The smell from your pants tells me we aren’t charging you enough money.”
“Dude, seriously. The guy is embarrassing himself in front of you like that, so what calls for this kind of treatment?”
“…ok, forget I asked.”
“Anyway, what’s so dangerous in here that people need ‘protection’ just to pass through?”
“Wow, ok… forget I asked.”
“Er… ‘Count Antula’? Is he going to ‘saahk our blaahd’?”
“No, but they can give you wedgies that are borderline unholy.”
“What’s the difference between a demon wold and a plain, ol’ regular wolf?”
“The horns, of course.”
“Of course. What was I thinking, asking for something as obvious as that?”
“You learn something new every day with Kyle.”
“…like, well… the fact that he seems to be a philantropist. Who knew?”
“And where does this ‘chauvinism’ fit into the picture, Jessica?”
“Well, you know… he’s that. And a jerk.”
“It means I was right. And you guys have amazing sources of information.”
“Or obvious ones. Alex, isn’t it kind of a given that villains will always work on something that’s ‘terrible’? It goes with the territory, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, just ruin my victories, why don’t you?”
“Alrighty, then. Iluk it is. Let no towns remain unvisited, I always say.”
“Alex, you didn’t even want to leave Burg, so don’t even TRY to make me believe you’d say something like that, much less ‘always’.”
“I think miss Luna’s brainwashing is starting to work.”
“That… that chauvinistic bastard!”
“Yes! See? I told you so.”
“You sure did. I mean… he’s got the nerve to let women have for free what men have to pay for. That is just SO unfair.”
“Er… that’s not what I meant when… um…”
“What’s the matter, Jess? Cat got your tongue?”
“What are you accusing me of now?”
“Erm… oops, I didn’t mean to imply that.”
*sigh* “This journey is like a comedy routine that just won’t stop. What did we do to deserve this?”
“Be strong, Mia. And if that doesn’t work, use your evil glare.”
“Kyle, my good man; I’m impressed. I halfway expected you to be somewhat different.”
“Oh yeah? Like what? A drunken crossdressing man who sleeps out his alcoholic knockouts in the slammer?”
“Well… no, but that would be quite the sight.”
“Sorry for not living up to your expectations, I guess.”
“Ok, Jesus, this is just… we get it. Man, these people are just laying it on thick, aren’t they?”
“There’s actually this nagging, little thought in the back of my head now. It says ‘Kyle rented people to stand around in the passage to brag about his amazingness’ or something like that.”
“H-hey, I’d never do something like that.”
“They’re doing it for free, then?”
“Ye-.. I mean NO! I mean… aaargh!”
“They’re doing it for AAAARGH!”
“Mental Note #1: Buy earplugs in Iluk. Mental Note #2: Never go to Burg. Ever!”
“Mia, could you make me a copy of whatever you’re writing on that list, now and in the future? Our survival may very well depend on it.”
“Oh, thank god, finally outside. I thought I was going to die in there.”
“What are you talking about, Mia? At least you’re getting YOUR protection for free.”
“So are you, you idiot. What’s your point?”
“Why, you’re right. I guess that means Kyle isn’t a chauvinist after all.”
*groan*
“Oh, he is. Just wait and see.”
“And your job is to introduce this town to every random stranger that drops by?”
“Of course, Alex. Everyone does that, because there are always lots of people who just wanders into random cities on purpose like this.”
“Of course. What was I thinking?”
“They’re not judges. They’re thieves.”
“But you don’t have to BE a judge to judge people. Just ask Jessica.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Erm… ok. Say, Kyle, there aren’t any cannibals living here, right?”
“Erm… what? Don’t interrupt me.”
“Try what?”
“Um… try to… slap some sense into him. Yeah.”
“And ‘honeybomb’? That was the best you could come up with?”
“Oh well, at least it wasn’t another certain term that consists of ‘honey-something’, because that would REALLY be stupid.”
“Yeah, but he was just making a stupid joke. That hardly makes him a lech. Unless…”
“If you value your life, Alex, don’t finish that sentence.”
“No, but I have a feeling we will at some point in the future.”
“A hot air balloon, huh? That sounds like an accident waiting to happen.”
“Hey, let’s go take a look at it.”
“It must be the balloon he was talking about.”
“Wow, it’s quite a cute little gadget, isn’t it?”
“I’m not setting my foot in that thing.”
“I’m sure we won’t need to. Which is good, because I don’t think anyone will ever be able to come up with a worse contraption for air travel than this, even if they tried for a thousand years.”
*meanwhile, a thousand years into the future…*
*HACHOO* “Whoops!”
“What do you mean ‘whoops’? Did that destinowhatever get tuned right?”
“Um… yes, of course. I’m sure it’ll be just fine, so hop right in.”
“Hiro, I’m not so sure about this anymore.”
“Me and you both, Ruby. I’m thinking we might as well just ditch the whole Magic Arrow thing and shoot ourselves over Nota with that catapult launcher. It’ll probably increase our chance of survival tenfold.”
*back in the past… er, present…*
“Ok, so we decided to head over to Reza, but someone just HAD to ask which kind of enemies we’d meet here, didn’t they?”
“Look, it’s not like we’d be able to go everywhere without fighting. At least it’s good to know what we have to fight before actually doing it, right?”
“Either way, I’ve always found the winning formula to work the best.”
“And that is?”
“Why, stabbing them, of course.”
“Remind me to invite Kyle to a nice tour of the Magic Trials caves one day. Or the sewers of Meribia.”
“Well, there’s Reza. If you’re so set on it, we could always check if THEY have any sewers.”
A little bit arbitrarily, my friends, but we’ll leave our travelling company for now. Their new journey have all but started, and who knows what trials awaits them — I say that a lot, don’t I? Anyway, keep your eyes high, Alex and friends. You shall prevail.
“What the… he STOLE my Dragon Wings.”
“Alex, which part of ‘city of thieves’ did you fail to understand?”
“I don’t know, Kyle. I keep hearing ‘city of soon-to-be-dead thieves’ here.”
“Whoa, Alex. Calm down. Let’s settle this rationally. And if that fails, we can stab them all.”