Chapter 6: The turn of the tide and the return to the nice boat.
“But since you made the sailors my mom threw into the dungeon here cry with your potty-mouth, we decided to wait until you cooled off. Even though my mom is in danger and all. Or maybe she’s BEING a danger. Or something. Whatever.”
“Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, to think of me like that. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you in any way from being thrown in jail for no goddamn reason or anything.”
“Much as I normally enjoy your jackassery, Alex, I think you’d be better off putting a lid on it for now.”
“Fine!”
“Oh, I’m sure she is. That montly one, I bet.”
“ALEX!”
“And speaking of that ‘monthly one’…”
“Eeep. I was just kidding. Kidding!”
“Good lord, Mia. I’m not sure why you think you need our help when it looks like you could blast Vane out of the sky by your own self right now.”
“Don’t! Tempt! Me!”
“OHLOOKATTHETIMEWEGOTTAGOSAVEYOURMOMRIGHTNOW!”
“Yeesh, no kidding. Looking into the face of pure evil like that can make any man change his mind. Or pee his pants, whichever comes first.”
“Judging by the sudden smell, I think I can guess which came first in your case.”
“Hey, shut up. I said I’d help her, didn’t I?”
“But first, I think we should go get you a new pair of pants.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
*blink* “THIS is the ‘shy and fragile’ girl we’ve been hearing about? Looks like Ghaleon’s not the only one keeping secrets.”
“Sssh. You’ll reveal the big reveal. Or something like that.”
“Oh, please. His whole demeanor just screamed ‘villain’ to the ends of the earth. And his hat… yeah.”
“Actually, I thought his hat had more of a ‘court jester’ look to it.”
“Like your pants right now, huh?”
“Can we please STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT?!”
“Sure, Alex. Sure.”
“…of beer.”
“Alas, poor Nall. Flying under the influence will surely lead to dire — and skullcrushing — consequences.”
“Well, at least they won’t smell like urine.”
“Are you two idiots done acting like idiots now? I have a mother to rescue, you know, and I wasted enough time waiting for Alex to make the paint peel off the prison walls with his unwashed mouth. Didn’t yo’ momma teach you right?”
“Sort of.”
“He even got double-teamed at home. Which is kind of the reason he didn’t have as hard a time going out on this adventure as he let on.”
“Oh, quiet you.”
“Ah, the power of sparklies. Yeah, I heard they were rather popular. Why, I’m sure even villains a thousand years in the future will covet powers like that if they have the chance.”
“Alex, if I ever find out you made the jinx of the milennium at any point in the future, I am going to personally come urinate on your grave. And there will be no chance for you to change your clothing then.”
“Aheh. Say… any chance you’d just forget what I said just now?”
“WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST HAND OVER THE RING ALREADY!”
“Eeek!”
“Good grief! Why didn’t I just go by myself?”
“Open… sesamee.”
“That’s…. I hope noone will use such an obvious password in the future. That would be kind of lame.”
*meanwhile, far into the future…*
“Open sesACHOOO!”
“Er, what?”
“You feelin’ ok?”
“That’s the dumbest password I’ve ever heard.”
“That wasn’t it, little kitty. The sneeze wasn’t meant to be a part of it. I just couldn’t stop it somehow. Strange.”
“Well, surely you weren’t planning on saying ‘open sesamee’. Because that would be the dumbest password in the history of forever. I’m sure the people of old wouldn’t be so dumb as to use an obvious password like that.”
*back into the past…*
“You ok, Mia? That sneeze came right the hell out of nowhere.”
“I’m fine, Alex. I just… felt something, like the sneeze were meant to be a part of history somehow.”
“That sounds… really unlikely.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Well, let’s not dwell on this any more. My mother is in danger, so let’s hurry.”
“Anyway, what kind of enemies will we be facing up here?”
“Well…”
“Oooo-kaaaay. I can probably deal with the birds, but I don’t even know where to start when it comes to the clouds.”
“Um… Alex, hello? Your magic? The hard-earned magic you learned so that you could get up to this city in the first place?”
“Do’h!”
“I wonder if we’ll be alright. Because I’m really, really worried now.”
“Did you say something?”
“Nope. Just talking to myself.”
“Oh, ok.”
“I’m kind of glad that this isn’t like that damn magic test dungeon with its idiotically convoluted pathways. That thing was a pain, as if it was designed just to be as long and winded as possible.”
“Yes, Alex. That’s why it counts as a ‘test’. You know, the ‘not just any idiot can bumble themselves through’ kind of a test. Looking at you two, though, makes me wonder whether the magic trial’s still too easy.”
“Hee hee. Mia 1, Alex 0.”
“Sweet. So… what does it do?”
“It shows the true nature of whoever looks into it. Like, say… if you were to look into it, you’d see a dunce cap on your head.”
“Once again; Mia, sweet and fragile, at least according to the people in this city. I guess I know why they hid away this mirror so well. Shattered illusions can be a bitch, can’t they?”
“Ooh, nice recovery, Alex. I guess that makes you even now. 1-1.”
“Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night.”
“Actually, we’re off to the next tower right now, and you two are going to LOVE where we have to go to get there.”
“Um… where are we going?”
“Right. And what did you mean by us loving where we’d have to go to get there. Surely, you didn’t mean…”
“Oh, for the love of… you put the entrance to the tower in the cave of trial? Why’d you go and do something stupid like that?”
“Hey, I wasn’t the one who designed this city. Anyway, why would it be stupid to hide the gateway in a place otherwise frequented by novice idiots too occupied with getting through the damn thing? Most, if not all, of the students here basically never want to set foot in this damn place once they’ve gotten through it, so it’s the best spot of all to hide something that you don’t want people to sniff through.”
“Yeah, tell that to the guy who has basically made the cave of trial his home.”
“He what?”
“Once again; Mia, sweet and fragile.”
“Misleading information at its finest.”
“Whatever! Let’s get a move on.”
“SIR YES SIR!”
“And stop that!”
“I came here to work on my tan. Idiot!”
“I don’t know about you, Alex, but I’m finding this little quest more entertaining by the minute.”
“Sure you would, Nall. After all, you didn’t get to experience the full tour.”
“Jeez, Alex, are you still sore about that?”
“And by ‘full tour’, that INCLUDES Mia’s doom gaze.”
“That was YOUR fault, though, you smart-Alex.”
“You… you…” *groan*
“What? No ‘open sesamee’ this time?”
“They can’t all be fun and games, you know.”
“Nope. Only the ones that lead to image-shattering mirrors.”
“But if it weren’t for your magical ring of sparklies, we wouldn’t have gotten to that one either.”
“OH MISS SENSIBLE, YOU SLAY ME AGAIN!”
“If only.”
“Apparently, there’s a fine line between glory and punishment leading to certain death in these parts.”
“You don’t even know the half of it.”
“Neither do you, seeing as you didn’t witness the pants-soiling expression your ‘sweet and fragile’ girlfriend gave Alex in the prison earlier today.”
“Well, that explains the change of pants.”
“You’re checking out my pants? Nash, you horny little devil.”
“ARGH! No, I meant… let’s just go.”
“After you, Pantsman.”
“That’s you.”
“No, you.”
“You’re both pants-on-head wearing idiots.”
*sigh* “Everyone’s picking on me these days.”
“That’s just because you’re such a pick-able guy.”
“Soooo, how’s about them enemies inside this tower? More weird-ass birds and rain clouds?”
“Well…”
“HOOO-kaaay, there’s our clouds and… birds with skulls for heads?”
“That’s just fowl play.”
*cringe* “Old pun is old, Nall. You’re losing it.”
“Are… are we going to be ok here?”
“Who knows?”
“Sweet Christmas! It’s a ghost stampede.”
“Where’s Pac Man when you need him?”
“Laurel and Hardy, comedy duo extraordinaire. Don’t set up your adventuring party without them.”
“This is what you refer to as ‘village idiots’, isn’t it?”
“Was ‘sinister purple’ the only color available when you went shopping for paint?”
“No kidding. I’m almost expecting those armors to come to life and attack us at any second.”
“Or, if we looked into the mirrors, the mirror images would exit and attack us.”
“ENEMIES! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!”
“Or we could just kill you here and move on on our own.”
“Good idea.”
“Nonono. Bad idea. Baaaaad idea.”
“Death! It’s everywhere.”
“DEEEAAAAATH!”
“It sure is. For instance, LOOK OVER THERE!”
“GAH! Where? Where is it?!”
“Juuust kidding.”
“Damn it, Mia. I almost died of a heart attack.”
“DEEEAAATH!”
“Ok, joke’s over. It’s not funny anymore.”
“It stopped being funny before we even met outside of this tower, Alex. It’s time to face that fact.”
“With death?”
“Hee hee.”
*sigh*
“Prosecutors will be pantsed.”
“Which would explain why everyone’s wearing robes. You cannot easily wedgie what you cannot see.”
“Oh, trust me; robe wedgies can and will hurt a lot too. In fact, it’s far worse than normal ones.”
“Plus, you’re even wearing conveniently placed wedgie flaps for ease of wedgie. You must be a sucker for ball-crushing punishment, Nash.”
“I’m beginning to regret getting involved in this little escapade. No glory is worth this.”
“Ohoho, Ghaleon, you little horndog. You like it when people watch too.”
“A ‘sacred ceremony’. Is that what you’re calling the horizontal polka these days? You city people sure are working hard at making everything sound really fancy.”
“I.. wha… you guys… buh… are you… do you have a death wish or something?”
“Not really. How so?”
“Oh, only that you’re trying to piss off the most powerful sage on Lunar. With crude, tasteless jokes, even.”
“And so what? Is he going to punish us… WITH DEATH?!”
*sigh* “Possibly. And I’d be more than happy to carry out that punishment.”
“What’s all this ruckus about?”
“Hoo boy. Here we go.”
“Oh no, it’s….”
“DEEEEAAAAAATH!”
*cringe* “If it’s alright with you, can you start with those two?”
“That’s an odd request, but sure, why not?”
“Actually, I was just joking. Anyway…”
“Shiiine your light down on me. Lift me up so I can see…”
“I am now officially confused.”
“Christ on a… why didn’t we just let these idiots rot in jail.”
“Oh god, let the mirror just start working soon.”
“Impending victory, but at what cost? Dear god, what cost…”
“Hissss?”
“Hisss!”
“Look, it’s…”
“DEEEAAAAATH!”
“SHUT UP!”
“Holy…!”
“I knew it!”
“…and what are you staring at, little boy?”
“I love your tattoos. They accentuate your cleavage so well.”
“Yeah. I hate to admit it, Mia, but she’s WAY hotter than your mom.”
“PRIORITIES, people.”
“She’s got some nice legs too, but yeah, her boobs are definitely her biggest asset.”
“Wh… why are you doing this to me, world? This plan was supposed to go so smoothly.”
“He’s got a point, you know.”
“Master Ghaleon!”
“WITH DEEEEAAAATH!”
“Well, yes, that was the general idea.”
*sob* “I dohohoon’t waaahaaahaaana do this aaanymooore.”
“Meet my fearsome tribesmen. They’ll end your miserable lives right here and right now while I make a quick getaway without making sure that you really die. Ta ta, little boys.”
“I wouldn’t mind dying in a cleavage like that.”
“Pay attention, you idiots. We’re about to be attacked by…”
“…um, two flying midgets with pigstickers. I was kind of expecting something a bit more intimidating than this.”
“Yeah. With all the practice we got in the cave of that fake dragonmaster, this should be a cinch.”
“Maybe that Xenobia chick ate her.”
“No, I d-HEY, that’s just gross!”
“I’m so glad this is over and done with. Now I can go somewhere where I don’t have to listen to you two fail at being funny.”
“C’mon, Mia. Don’t say that. You’re our new ‘special friend’.”
“Somebody shoot me with a magic missile already.”
“From us to you with gratitude.”
“All right, all right.”
“Say… have you thought about checking… I dunno, the jail?”
“I agree. Sounds like a stellar spot for putting away people when you want to pretend they don’t exist.”
“….do’h!”
“Wow, master Ghaleon. You sure change your train of thought rather quick. I don’t suppose you’d have a sinister plan or something?”
*cough* “Of course not. Hey, I’m not Vane’s best magician and one of the four heroes of old for nothing, you know.”
“Oh, ok. That makes sense.”
“So, about that dragon….”
“Sure, we’ll take you there. Can’t hurt to try, right?”
“Ooon second thought, maybe Burg wouldn’t be a good idea after all.”
“W-what do you mean by that?”
“Oh, Alex is just afraid of his somewhat possessive girlfriend.”
“‘Possessive’ doesn’t even cover half of it.”
“Er… I see.”
“Yeah. She was the one who sent Alex out on this quest in the first place.”
“You don’t say? And this was the girl with the excellent singing voice?”
“Ah… yes, master Ghaleon. Well, at least as far as they told me.”
“Hmmm, interesting…”
“I’m not sure I am comfortable with that sudden gleam in your eye there, master Ghaleon.”
*cough* “Well, we should go. Prepare. As soon as possible. Because… uh, a dragon waits for no man. Yeah.”
“Or his manhood. Hope you got enough of that to spare.”
“Erm… what?”
“Oh.. nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Ah. Well, I’ll be going ahead. Meet me in Meribia, in master Mel’s mansion. Don’t keep me waiting now, hear?”
“Man, he’s a quick bugger, ain’t he?”
“I’m just hoping he can keep Luna occupied somehow, because I just KNOW she will raise a stink about me not being a hero — much less a dragonmaster — yet.”
“Ouch, yeah.”
“And here we are. Not that I’m looking forward to travelling with that dingy boat again or anything.”
“Reza, huh? Do you think we’ll ever end up there?”
“Don’t be crazy. Why’d we want to go to a place like that?”
“Yeah, you’re right. What would be the odds of us having to go to a place like that?”
“That sounds amazing. I don’t suppose it’d be our old pal Ramus, right?”
“You mean the guy who sold a DRAGON DIAMOND for a piddly 3000 gold? And don’t even get me started on those other ‘get-rich-quick’ scemes of his. Somehow, I doubt that idiot will ever make it big.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I don’t think I could take it if Ramus really owned this store.”
“Geh! Does bipolar disorder run in your family? You dress in a workplace outfit that was designed to draw stares, and you complain about people staring at you?”
“She got you on the ‘geek’ comment, though.”
“Yea.. Wait, no, she DIDN’T!”
“Ah, finally… the mysterious second floor. What secrets does it hold, I wonder?”
“Soap opera love scenes?”
“Hey, let’s follow them.”
“This is fun.”
“And we get a free tour of the castle to boot.”
“Again and again and again and again.”
“Is that a stairway? Wonder where that leads to.”
“Ok, now it’s not QUITE as fun anymore.”
“Gah! Hold that thought. Hold on to it, and never ever let it out again, ok? At least not until I’ve gone to a place far, far away.”
“Freakin’ insane?”
“N..well, yes, that too.”
“So, what’s your take, then?”
“…..”
“What?”
“That’s it?”
“Well… yeah.”
“Oh well, at least it’s FATAL attraction, and you know what that means, right?”
“Sure do, Alex. It’s….”
“DEEEAAAAATH!”
“Bingo.”
“Well, look on the bright side. It doesn’t look like she wants to have your babies anymore.”
“And balls of steel.”
“And fists of fury.”
“…and a freaking huge axe.”
“No kidding. That axe is bigger than him, and he wielded that bastard with one hand? Did they call him ‘one hand Mel’ too, perhaps?”
“Um… no, I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”
“Why would that be?”
“Well, it’s… uh, never mind. I’ll tell you when you get older.”
“Hey, it’s miss Short Attention Span. Have you forgotten us already?”
“Ssssh, ixnay on the secretsnay, you blabbermouths…”
“I’m not sure what’s going on here, but something tells me little miss priestess here is leading a secret life on the fringe of the law. Or something.”
“Psst, hey, Mel is looking at us. We should speak to him or something.”
*cough* “So yeah, it’s been… interesting.”
“Really? He had a naggy, glory-digging girlfriend too?”
“Ho ho ho, don’t you ever cease being entertaining, kids.”
“Oh, she be a devious one, that girl.”
“Although I’m not entirely convinced she’s just PLAYING dumb.”
“I can also play ‘put the claws through the kitty with the big mouth’. It’s a fun game.”
“Nah, that’s ok. I wouldn’t want to impose or anything.”
“That sounds like a swell idea. I haven’t slept in a bed since… well, home.”
“And it’s been even longer since you slept in a bed that’s made.”
“Don’t you start on me too. I get enough of that crap from mom and Luna.”
“zzzzhee hee, get in line, girls. There’s enough Alex for everyone.”
“zzzzz. I… don’t believe it. I’m… flying.”
“zzzhwait, who’s there?”
“Nuh.. nooo, don’t look at me like that, Luna. I wasn’t doing anything, I swear.”
“Hrmzzzzdeeeaaaath…”
“Aaaaaaaigh!”
“No problem. I’d rather forget I ever had that dream. Even if it started out kind of nice.”
“Let’s just go find master Ghaleon.”
“Of course. He’s been ridiculously impatient ever since we uncovered Xenobia’s plot, so why did I think he’d let up on that now?”
“Your eagerness is actually quite… unnerving.”
“Nonsense. How could it be so?”
“I can’t quite put my finger on it. But something doesn’t feel right. Of course, us boarding that tiny, little tub sure ain’t helping.”
“Nonsense, my boy. What can possibly go wrong with a fine ship like this?”
“Where do I even start?”
And with the shores left behind, Alex once again has time to ponder the events that apparently is leading them back home. A little prematurely, perhaps, but who is to tell that this would be the end of their journey, or if it’s just another start. Only the sea would know.
DEAR GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
“Arrrh, ye still be in high spirits, me lads. That be a heartenin’ prospect to an olde skipper like me.”
“Excuse me, captain. Do you think it’s possible for us to go a little faster?”
“Ye wants to go faster, me oddly hatted friend. Well, then… ye be getting yer wish.”
“FASTER?! AAAAAARRH!”
“Ahaha, ye still gots the seafarin’ spirit in yer blood, lads. That’s the spirits. And speaking of which… bottoms up.”
“NOOOOOO!”