Chapter 5: Shaking the fakers and reaping the rewards.
“Oh… oh… ahaha, I’m sorry. I just… hee hee…”
“That is a curious reaction. I would have expected happiness or relief, but this…”
“They’re… uh, certainly looking happy, master Ghaleon.”
“Yes, we are. Pleeheehee… um, please continue.”
“Very well.”
“That’s… uhuh.. that’s nice, but there’s no need to bother the premier just to teach a country bumpkin like me a bit of magic, is there?”
“Nonsense. Why, you’ve come this far to visit our venerable village, it’s the least I can do.”
“That’s very kind of you. I take my hat off to you.”
“*snrk* HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!”
“……”
“I must confess; country people are strange. Anyway, I shall take care of this right away…”
“Ooooh-kaaaay. I should have known this would segue into another random quest. There’s no task too small to cause at least some amount of problems, I guess.”
“Ah, but obtaining quests from master Ghaleon can be rather rewarding in itself, as you will learn.”
“Spoken like a true flunkie. If you actually ever get to start a relationship with Mia, I think I can guess who’ll be the one to wear the pants.”
“Wait, what? Uh oh, I don’t think I like where this is going.”
“Hey, if there’s going to be one dragonmaster on this planet, then that’s going to be me.”
“Alex, doesn’t it worry you that we might actually go up against a bona-fide dragonmaster? You know, the strongest beings on this planet save perhaps the goddess herself? I mean… yeah, he might be a fake, but he might also not be. In which case, we will truly be screwed in the worst ways.”
“Naaah.”
“Your optimism is impressive.”
“Yeesh, what did he do? Go against the family?”
“Should I put some cotton in my cheeks before we head off or something? Maybe even mumble in a very hard-to-understand way?”
“Nah, that won’t be necessary. Besides, your cheeks are already fluffy enough as they are.”
“Hmm. Do we bring the self-appointed blowhard with the two lightning spells along with us on our trip? The guy who is among the highest ranking mages in Vane, yet he knows only two rather piddly lightning spells.”
“H-hey!”
“Gee, that’s a tough choice. I guess we could always just bring him along for the enemies to have another of us to attack.”
“You jerks! I shall carry my own weight, thank you very much.”
“Alright, alright. We’ll have you along. So please stop with the whiny nagging voice there.”
“Didn’t even cross my mind, cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Well, this here sure looks like a fishing village, alright. And lo and behold, it lies straight to the west of Vane. Could this be the place we’re looking for?”
“Nall, dude… what’s with the dramatic voice there?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to create a mood here.”
“Well, it’s kind of… not working, what with how squeaky your voice is.”
“Well, that’s what we’re here for, my good man. Fear not, for our band of merry adventurers shall set things straight.”
“Stop that. You’re sounding even more pompous than Nash.”
“I do NOT sound pompous!”
“But of course not. Only pompous people would start a conversation with ‘cower before me peasants’, so… oh, right.”
“Oh, shut up. That was… um, just me trying to set a mood.”
“And you sure succeeded in that.”
“Hellooo subplot.”
“Ten silver says she’ll be kidnapped shortly, so how about we pay her a little visit before we go on?”
“Yeah, sure, why not. Maybe she’ll sing us a simple ditty.”
“And so humble too. Well, sure, why not. As long as I don’t have to whip out that stupid harp, I’m fine with whatever.”
“The what?”
“Oh, nothing. Just Alex having to play the fruitiest instrument ever thought up, just so that our diva at home can have some back up music to go with her singing.”
“Yes, thank you for sharing, Nall. Please feel free to share in the silence too now.”
“Well, we’re here to lay claim to the royal smackdown this ‘dragonmaster’ is about to get, and Nash here is coming along to claim all the bragging rights.”
“And I am here to lay claim to all the fish.”
“Well, sure. It’s not like we haven’t already heard about the dragon going crazy and all, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to think a dragonmaster could turn to evil, but whatever. We already knows he hasn’t been to the white dragon anyway, so it’s all elementary, my dear Watson.”
“Maybe he is a WEREdragonmaster, a man who only turns into a dragonmaster at the full moon’s light.”
“Or maybe he WERE a dragonmaster, but lost that title, and now he’s all bitter and takes his revenge on random fishing villages. Because dragons like fish, so it’s a nice revenge. EUREKA!”
“That’s it, buster. No more detective novels for you.”
“Um… no, it’s not. In fact, it kind of sucked.”
“Aleeex..”
“What’s more, he was mentioning Ghaleon and Xenobia in the same breath. Surely that can’t be a bad omen, right?”
“Hey, what are you asking me for?”
“So… you’re trying to tell me you’re a fish?”
“Alex, what in the goddess’ name has gotten into you. You’ve made these really weird deductions ever since we came to this village. Can we please keep our minds to the business at hand?”
“You’re no fun.”
“That sounds more like dumb child pranks to me. Did he have a hand buzzer or something? Honestly, this mission is sounding more and more stupid by the minute.”
“It’s… judgement day!”
“No future but the one we make.”
“Alright, alright, I get the point. Now let’s move, or I’m going to Hasta La Vista the both of you.”
“Oh, phooey. If only we had a girl along with us to threaten this guy into giving us his boat.”
“Yeah! Let’s go have a drink or something instead.”
“GAH!”
“Um… hi, random hooded woman. What, pray tell, can we help you with?”
“Tell me your name, fishmaster, and I’ll tell you my quest. Or something like that.”
“Oh, right. Right.”
“Erm… we didn’t tell you our names yet.”
“No time for that. See…”
“You… have a very short attention span, do you?”
“What’s that got to do with an… OH, IT’S A FLYING KITTY! HOW CUTE!”
“Argh! Let go of me you crazy wom.. oh god, you’ve got claws on your hands. Would you mind taking those off before lunging for me? Man, my life almost flashed in front of me right this moment.”
“Hey, Alex. How about talking with the mayor about our mission while our ‘junior priestess’ here is occupied with Nall?”
“Who’s a cutie? Come on. Come here, and let me pet you.”
“Stay away from me, you crazy woman, or I’ll give you some more stripes in your face.”
“Good plan.”
“What are you talking about? The world is always saved by teenagers in the stories I used to listen to as a child. Come to think of it, adults in the very same stories were by and large useless unless it was to train said teenagers.”
“Those stories just miiiight be a little bit biased towards their intended audience. Just sayin’.”
“Now where’d you go and get a crazy idea like that.”
“Argh! Will you just put me down, you… oh, god, don’t touch me there. That’s not supposed to.. eep.. that felt wrong.”
“But kiiittyyyyy….”
“No.. NO… ALEEEX, HEEEELP MEEEEE!”
*sigh*
“Personally, I think you should… huh?”
“I’m saying I want to join you on your little mission. Sounds like fun.”
“So, uh… you’re in on this now? Just after putting Nall thr-..”
“Ssssh, Alex. Now that she’s stopped, don’t remind her.”
“Oh, good grief. Ok, fine. Whatever. By all means, do join us in tracking down this fake dragonmaster. In fact, I’ve got something you can do for us right now.”
“Jessica, say hello to the owner of pretty much the only boat in the entire village. And since we can’t ask anyone else to lend us a boat, it falls to you to convince him to lend us his.”
“Piece ‘o cake.”
“Um, Jessica. I don’t think that’s going to actually work unless you…”
“…wait, vague threats drove him off?”
“Go fig.”
“I’m not sure what to believe in anymore.”
“Hey, are you guys just going to stand there and twiddle your thumbs? Let’s go already!”
“I don’t know, Alex… isn’t our newest party member kind of… bossy?”
“Definitely. Coupled with her short attention span, and we’ve got ourselves a recipe for disaster.”
“HEY! Didn’t I tell you to.. OH, A CUTE KITTY!”
“Here we go again.”
“We’ve already met, crazy lady. Now keep your hands off me.”
“Ok, so…. who is rowing this thing?”
“I’m not. I don’t want to blemish my smooth magician hands.”
“I would if I could, y’ know. But…”
“Great! Jessica?”
“Are you expecting a lady to row this boat? What kind of a gentlem.. OOH, A KITTY!”
“Haha, you are such a riot. Now, sit still! You’ll get almost all of us drowned, you spazzy twit.”
“‘Almost’ all?”
“Well, yeah. If this boat capsizes, I’ll just fly to shore. No big deal.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence my furry and feathery friend.”
“That is one weird island, though. I wonder what kind of enemies we’ll be meeting in there.”
“A ‘great lion’ being ‘easy pickins’? Somehow, that doesn’t add up.”
“That… thing in the middle… it’s staring at me.”
“My, what a big eye you got there, grandma.”
“‘All the better to stare at you, my dear’.”
“Hmm, not the longest lair in the world.”
“Hey, look over there. That looks like our fake dragonmaster.”
“Holy crap, he looks like such a prettyboy.”
“He must wash his hair often. It… glistens so.”
“Could we stop talking about his hair and get on with the asskicking now, please?”
“Any reason why discussions about hair would anger you there, Nash LeQuif?”
“Oh, quiet. I just don’t think we should keep Ghaleon waiting, you know. That’s more often than not a very bad idea.”
“Alright, alright, hold on to your fancy wig.”
“I do NOT wear a wig!”
“Yes, that was the general idea. Y’ know, mop the floor with you and all that. With that hair, it might even be done quicker than you know.”
“If Nash helps too, that’ll even halve our work compared to just using you for it.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“We’re on deadly grounds, facing a deadly adversary well versed in the ways of deadly force. All we’re missing now is Steven Seagal to fill our 110% deadly quota.”
“By a hair’s width.”
“Or many. Heaven knows we’ve got enough strands to get by.”
“You really want me to hurt you, don’t you?”
“Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin.”
“Hee hee.”
*veinasplode*
“Um… guys, our ‘dragonmaster’ here seems like he’s summoning something here.”
“Okay, that does kind of look like dragons.”
“No, they don’t! They don’t have any fur. Or feathers, for that matter.”
“And there’s four of them. That’s just… what is it with dungeons and bosses numbering four. You’d think that these people can’t count to three or something.”
“Or five.”
“Well, everyone knows that five is right out.”
“Guys, they’re attacking. Could we please pay attention?”
“Yeah, yeah. What’s the rush?”
“Maybe Ghaleon was wrong to trust these idiots.”
One quadruple asskicking session later.
“Well, that sure went better than I expected.”
Dragonmaster my foot. He can’t even fight himself without his dragons there.”
“They’re NOT DRAGONS!”
“Yeah, whatever. Anyway, didn’t we come to settle something?”
“Oh, right. And yeah, we’ll forgive you there, Zoc, as soon as we’ve settled this one thing.”
“What are you talking about? You didn’t even row it on the way out.”
“Well… yeah. I’m just saying, you know.”
“Anyway, Alex, I didn’t expect you to actually wash the lair ground with his hair. I was just kidding about that, you know.”
“Yeah, but… his hair was so light and fluffy, I just had to give it a try.”
“You are an evil, evil man, Alex. I shall never trust you again.”
“Don’t you all go sit in the back at once, guys. I did plan on getting back to Lann with my feet dry, you know.”
“Picky, picky. Just be glad you’re getting back at all.”
“What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?”
“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to stop stroking kitty here.”
“Once again, you amaze me.”
“I just want this nightmare to stoooohooohooop.”
“Leaving so soon? Don’t do us any favors or anything.”
“Oh, kitty, I guess you’re not that attached to your cute little tail after all.”
“Gah! Keep her away from me, Alex. Please!”
“Nall, if I had to save you every time you smartmouthed someone, I’d hardly have time for anything else. Now man up and take your just rewards.”
“Aaaah!”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, kitty. I have to go now, but I’m sure we’ll be meeting again in the future, and we’ll take it from there.”
“Oh, pfft. What are the odds for that?”
“No, he didn’t have his own personal harem, even though he surely looked like the kind of person to draw the attention of a female audience.”
“You mean she’s kidnapped because she’s a great singer? That’s not a bad omen at all.”
*cough*
“Well, at least they probably doesn’t know about Luna, so she should be safe, right?”
“No worries. There’s just no way a tiny village far into the boonies could attact the attention of anyone.”
*cough, cough*
“You ok, Nash? Need a coughing herb or something?”
“Ah… no, I’m fine.”
“Black monsters? Oh, I’d hate to run into those. We better hurry back to Vane, so we don’t have to worry about that.”
“A stellar idea. I’m sure Ghaleon must be tapping his toes impatiently by now.”
“Oh noes. I bet that must be an intimidating sight.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“But if you foresaw it, how could you be impressed?”
“Um… well…”
“And did you foresee us beating this ‘dragonmaster’s’ ass, or just our return.”
“About that…”
“Did you foresee us actually cleaning out his lair too, perhaps?”
“Actually…”
“Or that we’d be joined by this crazy girl who couldn’t keep her hands off me?”
“It was just a figure of speech, you antagonizing bastards! Could you please leave me looking cool at least once here?”
“You’d have to take off your hat for that to work.”
“AAAANYWAY, how did it go with Alex joining this school?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah…”
“I got it from this creepy, old fart in a cave. Ramus… um, that’s one of our friends who dragged us all the way over there, so he could get a diamond.”
“Ramus isn’t here, though, because he wouldn’t be able to take that trial in a million years. I’m sure we’ll see him again later, though.”
“Anyway, that’s the guy who gave me the ring, and in return, he wanted me to come back and show him my manhood. So, I said ‘screw that’ and…”
“….”
“HOOO boy, am I getting goosebumps here.”
“You and me both.”
“Er… what are you guys talking about?”
*cough* “No time to go into that now. Lemia is waiting for you, Alex. Oh, and welcome to Vane. Hm hm hm hm hm hm hm…”
“I’m… not sure I want to go anymore.”
“Did I just step into an alternate horror movie dimension where everyone is working in tandem to creep me out? I’m NOT feeling good about this whole situation here.”
“What? What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just dragons out for my manhood and premiers giving me the heebie jeebies. I didn’t even want to know what he meant by ‘old times’, because heaven knows I’ve got enough on my mind to keep me sleepless for quite some time to come.”
“And speaking of coming…”
“Right. Polite. I can do that. Nall?”
“I can. In a pinch, at least.”
“Man, she looks OLD!”
“NALL!”
“I mean… Mia doesn’t really look much like her, does she?”
“Um….”
“Aheh, sorry about that, mrs. Premier. He’s… um, not usually like that.”
“Wait, what?”
*sigh* “She did it again. And we’re almost out of jailcells too.”
“Yeah, I mean… you had all of four of them or so.”
“That’s… not the problem here, Nall.”
“Well, here comes the problems.”
“Well, thank you for that understatement. Anything else you’d like to add while you’re at it?”
“Yep, one thing: Exit, stage left.”
“What do you mean by…”
“…that?”
Oh dear, it looks like Alex has gotten himself into a rather tight spot. Will he escape his captors or is this the end of Alex, would-be dragonmaster? Who knows, but one still gets the feelings that this is just the beginning of his grand adventure, whether he wants it or not.
“Mother-*bleep*! That *bleeping* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and her *bleeping* *bleep* *bleep*. I’ll *bleep* them all to *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*. *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*!”
“…maybe we should return a little bit later.”
“Yyyeah. A year or so should suffice, I guess.”
“*bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleeping* *bleepity* *bleep*!”