Chapter 4: We’re comin’ in through the back door, amigos.
“Really? We didn’t kick him in the balls THAT hard.”
“He took it in the family jewels, huh? That’s strangely appropriate.”
“That’s nothing. I prepared a decree that banished him from ever procreating.”
“He’s got a great future ahead of him if someone needs a dub team for a new Smurf movie or something, though.”
“Ho ho ho, you kids are just dandy. Well, I guess that settles that.”
“Anyway, it was nice meeting you, master Mel. But now that I’m rid of the ol’ ball and chain — both of them, in fact — I think I’ll head off to Vane and see what I can busy myself with.”
“Have a nice trip, kiddies. Go easy on the testicular riverdancing now, ya hear?”
“Ah, ok. So, where is it?”
“Well, we have to walk for a bit, but we should get there in a couple of hours, maybe.”
“What the… why don’t you just have this spring right here in Meribia?”
“We used to, but whoever was put in charge of maintenance in the Cave of Trials got fed up with having to clean out the splattered remains of drunken idiots who blundered in there on a dare, so we had it moved away to a place where noone should be able to stagger themselves to on a chance.”
“Hmm. Yeah, you got a point, I guess.”
*three hours later*
“Are we there yet?”
“For the hundredth time, Alex; NO! If I knew you were such a nag, I’d just as well have left you in Meribia to find the way on your own.”
*some more hours later*
“W-what the… why is there a giant ball of dirt circling around that tower there on the mountaintop?”
“That’s the magic city of Vane, home of the magic guild of Lunar and all its mightiest magicians.”
“Ooooh-kaaay. So… any reason why you’ve all placed your city in what pretty much amounts to an easy target? I mean… this isn’t just some town out in the open; it’s basically flying around and calling attention to itself. All that’s missing is really a gigantic post-it note with ‘shoot me’ on it.”
“How rude! As if that’ll ever happen anyway, so shut your mouth.”
*half a day later*
“About goddamn time.”
“Tell me about it. If I had to hear you utter the words ‘are we there yet?’ one more time, I’d just zap you and leave your twitching carcass right here.”
“Oh yeah! All the way to the TOP, baby.”
“Vane, here we come!”
“Oh, and also…”
“Wait, what? What’s this all of a sudden?”
“Alex, we’ve been through this already. Remember how I told you about the cave of trial before leaving Meribia?”
“Well, yeah… but I didn’t think I had to take it. Couldn’t you just let us through for old times sake?”
“For ol… Alex, we’ve known each other for a couple of days.”
“Days, weeks, years… what’s the difference between buddies?”
“Cheeky brat. Anyway, I guess I could have let you through without having to take the trial…”
“Yyyeeeees?”
“…and then I remember the naggy little brat who kept asking me the same question again and again all the way down here. So… NO STRAIGHT ROUTE UP TO VANE FOR YOU!”
“Party pooper.”
“Besides, what does that mean anyway?”
“Dunno. But I’m keeping an eye out for creepy blonde men with a ‘T’ on his trademark sweather jumping out of the bushes and handing us candy.”
“That…. made no sense.”
“Hey, blame it on the guy who asked us about Tootsie Pops. I didn’t start THIS train of thought.”
“Alrighty. So… where the hell are we supposed to go now.”
“Alex, we have two alternatives as of now. Choose one!”
“And if that’s the wrong way?”
“Then we turn around and take the OTHER way. This isn’t making-giant-cities-float-in-the-air science, you know.”
“I dunno. Have you tried, say… OPENING it?”
“This is still just the first floor. If the guy hasn’t gotten any further than this, he probably don’t have the mental capacity to operate doors. Let’s just leave him here.”
“South Central? What’s that?”
“Dunno.”
“You’re just full of weird names today, aren’t you?”
“Oh, leave me alone!”
“…ok.”
“GAH! I meant that figuratively. FIGURATIVELY!”
“Well… those aren’t the weirdest names I’ve heard… I guess.”
“More importantly… it’s a patch of mushrooms. Why the hell are they enemies in the first place?”
“Erm… how? Wouldn’t that be a good warning before we got into this death-trap to begin with?”
“I think he meant mentally, Alex. I guess I can see how you’d miss that.”
“Smartass.”
“Well, duh! It doesn’t take a rocket genius to figure that out.”
“I bet Ramus would fall for it, though.”
“Hee hee, that’s true.”
“Dead Pole? What the hell kind of a name is that?”
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m not the one with a front seat in the big enemy naming committe.”
“Well, whatever. It may not be dead now, but that’s about to change.”
“Yeah, I can smell that. Pyu-eew!”
“It would probably help if you weren’t just walking between the same two spots constantly, you know.”
“And making use of each end as your personal toilet.”
“Nall, let’s just leave before I throw up.”
“What the… more mushrooms?”
“Plus, those blue things I’ve seen before. It’s those lepers.”
“Leepers.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Oh, yes it is.”
“Alex, I’m not here to ‘buy an argument’. Shut up!”
“Eugh, THREE of those things?”
“So what? Just do with them like you did with every other enemy we’ve met in here; flame ’em to death.”
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Hyram nuts.”
“Erm…no, I meant…”
“Uh oh. A large, open area. That smells like bad news to me.”
“Oh, come on, Alex. That’s just you being paranoid. What could possibly happen here?”
“…well, color me surprised.”
“Yeah. ‘What could possibly happen’ he says. I’m ‘just being paranoid’ he says. Well, WHO IS LAUGHING NOW, HUH?”
“Well… neither of us, I’d say.”
“EXACTLY!”
“You’re… not making any sense anymore.”
“Really? So you mean to say that ‘getting horribly killed by them’ would have been an incorrect choice? Imagine that.”
“What’s up with all these ‘four of a kind’ bosses anyway? The numbers don’t exactly count for much when you have ‘hit ’em all’ spells now, do they?”
“Oh, look… more caves.”
“I guess this test isn’t quite over yet.”
“You failed to make the cut, huh?”
“He’s standing on a knife’s edge.”
“Where a sharp turn might mean your last.”
“And failure soon follows those too scared to take a stab at it.”
“Anyway, let’s not cut him to the quick anymore, Nall. We have a trial to SUCCEED in, after all.”
“Well, actually, it’s been fairly easy so far. The maze itself is a little maddening, but the enemies are all a bunch of wussies.”
“Yeah. Even those bronze dogs weren’t anything to speak of.”
“Um… Nall, you weren’t even fighting them, so how would you know?”
“Oh, by watching you do it?”
“He’s… not even listening to us, is he?”
“Nope. He sure does love hear himself talk, though. I bet he’s just hanging around here to try to impress everyone passing by.”
“Who the hell is Galam anyway?”
*shrugs* “Hell if I know. Probably not anyone important.”
“Oh god, we’ve got ourselves another who spends most of his time peeing on the walls.”
“Five years?! What the hell has he been eating all this time?”
“You know… I don’t think we want to know. Let’s just move on.”
“Aaand we’ve got ourselves another sinister, open area.”
“I’ll just keep my big mouth shut, then.”
“Dear god, what the hell is that? Could that thing possibly have had more appendages than this?”
“Eugh. I wonder if any heroes in history — past or in the future — has had to fight anything with more tentacles than this.”
Approximately thousand years later.
*HAAA-CHOO*
“Um… Hiro, you ok?”
“Hey, Hiro, keep your mind to the fight. We don’t want to be raped six ways to Sunday by this thing.”
“Yeah, I’m ok. I just got this really odd feeling of déjà vu for some weird reason.”
“You what? Is there anything you haven’t told me about, Hiro?”
“Don’t even joke about that, Ruby. Besides, we’ve been together since we were kids. More or less constantly, even. So when would I have the time to keep any secrets?”
“Guys, please. Fight now, bond later.”
Back into the… well, past, I guess.
“So, how’s the… ah, mushroom with the eye and the tentacles coming along?”
“Hey, I’m throwing the same fire spell over and over again, Nall. Cut me some slack here, or help me out. Either is fine.”
“I’m cutting, I’m cutting.”
“Thanks, dude. That’s a… uh, omnous laugh you got there too. No bad omens up there that I should know about?”
“Alex, you’re just being…”
“…paranoid? Yeah, perhaps. Or maybe our coming here will be the small rocks that start an avalance.”
“Great. Now I feel both uneasy and stressed. Thanks a lot.”
“…not to mention queasy.”
*urp* “Dizzy now.”
“Gaston, a bucket for monsieur.”
“NO TIME FOR THAT NOW!”
“Oh man. Just… over the edge, Alex. Let’s not make a first impression by leaving steamy piles of stomach juices on the ground of this city.”
“Say… you guys look kind of pale. The monsters in the cave of trial wasn’t too much to handle, were they?”
“Ough, no, no. It’s not that. It’s just… um, forget it.”
“If you say so. Oh, anyway…”
“Yeah, I’ve heard you mention that name before. Bigshot in Vane, is he?”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. He’s easily the most powerful of all the magicians here.”
“Whoo, now that’s omnious. I guess we should be glad he’s one of the good guys.”
“At any rate, I have to go. You guys feel free to walk around and take in the sights. Attend a few classes too, if you can. This place is here to help you study magic and all, so go nuts.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Well, I guess we should be glad we won’t be going there. Ever.”
*cough* “Sure does.”
“You guys don’t seem too worried about it, even though you’re basically flying out in the open.”
“I bet they’re just full of themselves.”
“She was reborn as a human just to go live in a tower all her life? That doesn’t sound much fun to me.”
“Maybe I should go visit. It’s pretty high up, but I’m sure I could reach it.”
“Says the kitty who threw up even more than me. Which is amazing, seeing as you are about a tenth of my own size.”
“Oh, shut up. The height here just took me by surprise. I’m fine now, see?”
“Yeah, sure. Say, want to head over to the edge again and look at the ground below?”
*urp* “Let’s not do that.”
“Neither can I.”
“Plus, this library isn’t THAT big. Do you honestly think a Lunarian year has just a handful of days or something?”
“I get the impression that dragon magic is really hot stuff.”
“It sure does. Furthermore, I fine you fifty silver for that really bad pun.”
“Oh, come on.”
“Yep. Great stuff, this dragon magic.”
“Ok, books. We get it.”
“Fear! Anger! Hatred! Lead you to the dark side it will. Bad, that will be for your complexion.”
“Yes, master.”
“Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn.”
“Machines are bad, mmm’kay.”
“That about covers it.”
“She’s around the same age as me, then. I think I smell an opportunity.”
“I bet Luna won’t stand for it, though.”
“You think I don’t already know, hot stuff? I went to his memorial penis every single day.”
*cough*
“Um… not to imply that I’m… uh, never mind.”
“Hoo boy, a doormat. How exciting.”
“She’s still the daughter of the premier, though. Maybe she’ll join our little party, if you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge.”
“Yeah, that’d be the day.”
“Ok, so Nash likes them simpering and sweet. I guess that makes sense.”
“Go Nash!”
“Oh really? I wonder what that could be.”
“I’m sure that couldn’t be anything bad, right?”
“…naaaah!”
“..and speaking of bad omens, here’s one.”
“Yep, this is the woman we’re supposed to meet. I couldn’t possibly see how that could go terribly wrong or anything.”
“Well, since we’re the only ones crazy enough to want to go down into the dungeon, that must make your job pretty dull.”
“Who is that in there anyway?”
“Actually, never mind.”
“What is this? ‘The prisoners of existentialism’ or something?”
“I’ve already seen that one. Let’s just go.”
“Well… yeah, the room-enveloping flash was kind of hard to miss. I suspect I’ll be regaining my eyesight in a few minutes, though, so don’t worry.”
“Oh, come on, Alex. It wasn’t THAT bad.”
“Say, who’s that?”
“Blaguh!”
“Um… ok? And you are?”
“I’m Nall. Please excuse me, but I’m a little bit surprised.”
“Oh? How so?”
“Ah, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Krzvnk.”
“Right!”
“And… uh, this is Alex. He normally doesn’t speak like that. Or drool like that, for that matter.”
*giggle*
“Hargle?”
“Weird? Like ‘throwing people randomly in prison’ weird?”
“Well… yes, something like that.”
“Zablangh!”
“In that case… yeah, we did.”
“Yeah, I think we’re talking… pretty much everyone. At least the ones we met.”
“Horgh!”
“Oh… Say, is he alright?”
“Durrh?”
“Um… yeah, he’s not normally like that. You’ll just have to excuse him.”
“Well, it’s nice to have you here, Alex and Nall.”
“Likewise.”
“Actually, we didn’t give it much thought. We just… hey, Alex, what are you doing?”
“Hnnngh!”
“Holy crap, was she ever beautiful. Oh man…”
“And you just HAD to go embarrass yourself by trying to go to the second floor of that tower. What were you thinking?”
“Hey, I just wanted to see whether it could be done. I’d do a lot for a girl like that.”
“Um… guys?”
“And the way you were stuttering, babbling and drooling. That was hardly prime first impression material there, sport.”
“Oh, quiet, you. I was just a little tongue-tied.”
“Guys!”
“And a fine job you did at that.”
“Oh, shut up. Don’t forget, you were quite the smooth talker yourself.”
“Hey, at least one of us know how not to embarrass ourselves to the frontier and back.”
“GUYS!”
“What?”
“Who… are you talking about?”
“Oh, just this girl we met in this tower. Her name was Mia, I think.”
“And man, was she ever gorgeous. I’d like to take her out for a ride, that’s for sure.”
“Well, if she’s one for engaging conversations, you’ve already failed.”
“Oh, psh! I’ll do just fine the next time I meet her.”
*COUGH* “AAAANYWAY…”
“Ok.”
“One more thing: if you ever talk to Mia again, I will murder you both horribly. I saw her first. She’s MINE!”
“Eeep. I hear you.”
“Yeesh, dude. No need to pop a gasket. But…”
“Yes?”
“Wanna trade?”
“Nice try, but I’ve already met your Luna, so… no.”
“And people around here kept calling her sweet and fragile. Well, I guess she is sweet, but I’d hardly call her fragile.”
“Oh yeah. Just thinking of her being this ridiculously shy, downtrodden and moeish girl… that would really suck. Good thing she’s not really like that, huh?”
“Amen, brother!”
“Ok, remember… she’s MINE!”
“Yeah, we got you.”
“Excellent. Now, follow me.”
“Well, that’s mighty nice of him.”
“Yes. Let’s just take one step to the right and proceed with the talkings.”
“10-4, good buddy.”
And so, our heroes get to meet none other than the famous sage, Ghaleon. For such an esteemed sage to meet with our gang is no small things, so it goes without saying that first impressions are more important than ever. As Alex and Nall prepare for the conversation they’re about to have, they wonder just how regal and noble he looks. Needless to say, they both felt nervous over the situation. Still, what could possibly go wrong?
“Hrngh!”
“Welcome, Alex and company. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“OHHAHAHAHAHAOHGODICAN’TBREATHEOHAHAHAAAAA…”
“……”