Chapter 3: Diamonds are for sewers.
“Actually, it’s Ramus’ adventure. I didn’t even want to leave Burg, remember?”
“Details, details.”
“That’s for damn sure. There’s delusional, and then there’s being just plain ridiculous.”
“Alex, why must you make this more difficult than it needs to be?”
“I’m the one who’s being difficult? Who do you think has to suffer through your ambitions?”
“Alex, I’m only doing this for you? Don’t you want fame and fortune?”
“Luna, I don’t care about any of that.”
“Well, I do.”
*sigh* “My girlfriend; taking the term ‘golddigger’ to new and unheard of levels.”
“So do I. The day he gets all he wants is the day he finally leaves me alone about all those stupid plans of his.”
“Hey, we’re about to strike it rich, aren’t we? Why must you be so negative about my plans.”
“Because, Ramus; out of the 397 plans you’ve had for the two of us — and yes, I’ve kept count — how many of them have you met with success?”
“Well, we COULD have succeeded when that prince from the northern borders came and wanted us to invest in his mines. If only you had given him the thousand silver pieces he asked for, we could have been swimming in money by now.”
“Ramus, that guy was arrested for fraud and taken to the middle of the sea we are about to cross and thrown overboard with an anchor around his feet — which, by the way, sounds like a really good idea at this point.”
“We don’t know that for sure. Anyway, how about the guy who had some good tips on the Escargot races that he was willing to sell us cheaply. You refused to give him any of your money as well.”
“1500 silver is NOT cheap. And that guy was another fraud after the money of gullible idiots. While I didn’t give him any money, I DID pay attention to the supposedly ‘surefire wins’ the guy gave us to try to take his bait. NONE of them won. In fact, one of the Escargots spontaneously combusted mid-race, and the tournament holders looked into that under suspicion of it being given performance-enhancement drugs.”
“You watched those races, Alex? Good grief, but Escargotathons take forever to finish, so I’m not sure whether to congratulate you on your patience or slap you on the back of your head.”
“Naw, I just returned a few hours later. I mean… that con artist would have reached Meribia before that race was over and Ramus would have figured out he’d been had.”
“Well, fine, Alex. You wanna see a plan that worked out? Check out THESE stones.”
“I’m sorely tempted to punch you in your ‘stones’. One successful quest — which, by the way, isn’t finished yet — does not make up for all the pain and suffering you’ve put me through up to this point.”
“Guys, the boat isn’t going to be waiting for you forever, and I still have more things I want to say, so kindly shut the hell up the both of you.”
“Haven’t I always?”
“No.”
“Alex!”
“Well, he hasn’t always. Neither have I, for that matter.”
“Well, that’s true, I guess.”
“Oh, you boys…”
“Hee hee.”
“Or… well, two works as well. But no more than four, at the very least. I’d hate to have to recognize you at our local morgue, dear.”
*blink* “Um…”
“Relax, I was only joking.”
“That’s… good to know.”
“However, if you return without any fame or fortune, I’ll make sure the people at the morgue wouldn’t be able to recognize you in a thousand years.”
“That… was another joke, huh, Luna?”
“No.”
*thinking* “This is it. This’ll stop all those bitches in Burg saying Alex is a little weenis for good, and then I’ll have the last laugh.”
*thinking* “Holy crap, I’ll actually be getting this woman off my back for a good deal of time. This trip is looking up already.”
*sigh* “But who am I going to boss around now that Alex is gone?”
“Oh god, we’re going to cross the ocean in this dinky, little boat?”
“Maybe… I should have gone with him. I wonder if I’ll ever get another chance in the future. I could almost imagine it; ‘Lunar: Silver Sue Shenanigans Complete’. Oh well….”
“OH GOD, SLOW DOWN! WATCH OUT FOR THAT REEF! THOSE WAVES! SWEET JESUS, IS THAT A WHALE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US?!”
“Arrh, mateys, ye be horrible backseat driverrhs. Kindly shut yer traps, or I be forced to keelhaul the lot of ye.”
“EYES TO THE FRONT, CAPTAIN! EYES TO THE FRONT!”
“Arrh, what ye be babblin’ ab.. oh, is that Moby Dick ahead? With its mouth wide open?”
“AAAAAAARRGH!”
“That’s the spirits, me lads.”
“We… oh my god… we actually made it.”
“That was the most harrowing moment in my short, furry life.”
“Mommy, please stop this merry-go-round. I don’t want to throw up any more.”
“Fun? FUN?!”
“I’ve gained some newfound respect from that quiffed little weiner today. Who knew?”
“Tell me about it. Just… just let me lie here for a while, until I’m certain I can stand up without puking all over myself.”
“Urgh! That wasn’t nearly enough time.”
“I’m also dying, but for entirely different reasons.”
“Well, it’s certainly different from Burg… in some ways.”
“It’s got a rather nice scent, though.”
“What are you talking about? It smells like fish… oh!”
“Exactly.”
“Yeesh. Forget I even asked.”
“Why am I getting ‘bad omen’ vibes from that statement?”
“Wanna take bets on whether we’ll be going there in the future?”
“I’d… rather not. While there’s no reason why we would need to go there at this point, I’d rather just keep quiet now and hopefully be pleasantly surprised by us not needing to go there later.”
“This is it! Here’s where we’ll be rich from our diamond.”
“So, just out of curiosity, what’s the guy like?”
“I knew it! Let’s go somewhere else to sell the diamond.”
“But Aaaaleeex, I’m tired. Besides, who can resist a diamond like this. Trust me. I mean… what can go wrong?”
“What… can… go… wrong…?! You… you…”
“Um… Alex, could you please turn down that evil rage aura there? You’re scaring the children.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I mean… him getting the money for us BEFORE taking the diamond away isn’t nearly as good an idea as that, right?”
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I’ll be getting my money soon.”
“I don’t think he’s listening.”
“When did he ever do THAT?”
“Um… good point.”
*veinasplode* “YOU’RE getting a bad feeling only NOW?!”
“Well… yeah. I should have gotten the money a long time ago by now. Besides, when did YOU get your ‘bad feeling’ then, huh?”
“I got it when the guy outside the store said that Dross was a crook. THAT’S when I knew the guy was trouble.”
“Well, if you’re such a smartypants, why didn’t you do anything to stop him?”
“Ramus, you seriously want to die, don’t you?”
“Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to go down there. We’re going to beat Dross until we get that diamond back, and then I’m going to shove that diamond so far up your ass you’ll be squeezing out dragonshaped turds for months.”
“Sewers! Why did it have to be sewers?!”
“And of course YOU didn’t stop him either.”
“Ramus, I’m sure he just got fed up with saving the diamonds of gullible idiots. Just leave it be.”
“Oh great. Ok, role call: Who here knows how to use magic? None, huh? Well, isn’t that just great.”
“Alex, I’m going to get that diamond back, even if I have to go by myself.”
“Ok, then. Bye bye. I’ll make sure to tell your father about your unfortunate end in the… do you want me to tell him that you died anywhere in particular? The sewers isn’t exactly a glamorous way to go, you know?”
“H-hey, that’s not fair. You were supposed to come along, as to not leave me to die. That’s what I’ve always counted on you to do.”
“You ARE an idiot, Ramus. At any rate, I’m sure Alex is at his limits with you. Or his limit break, judging by his reddish, raging aura, which I’m sure he won’t unleash on you right this instant for being chronically stupid. Anyway, Alex, calm down. Let’s go visit the local authorities. Maybe they can do something about this.”
“So, what are we doing here? Shouldn’t we be going after my diamond?”
“No, we’re going to meet the guy in charge here for help.”
“Aha! You’re going to make him command Alex to go into the sewer to get my diamond back. Good idea.”
“Ramus, kindly shut the hell up! And… holy crap! Alex, your forehead is on fire. Ouch, that looks like it hurts. Go douse your head in the sink and let’s go see this Mel.”
“Yeah. We don’t have any time to lose. Alex needs to…”
“Ramus… SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!”
“I wonder who this ‘Jessica’ is.”
“Who cares? It’s not like we’ll ever meet her or anything. It’s not like we’ll be going out on a huge quest to save the world or anything, and it looks like she’s an important person who has better things to do rather than hang out with people from the boonies.”
“Well, Ramus is expected to say something really stupid any second now, and Alex is expected to just murder him right there. I expect this quest will meet a quick end at that point.”
“..and all around swell guy. I’m also known to hop on my ship to go pirate hunting, and for a few days a year, I moonlight as Santa Claus in the local mall.”
“That’s… nice.”
“He certainly looks the part. The Santa part, at least.”
“Ho ho ho, you are an interesting bunch of kids. So, what are you up to?”
“Well…”
“Exactly. I was going to be rich, but Alex is being mean and doesn’t want to go down into the sewers to go get it for me. Could you please command him to do so, master Mel? That would be nice.”
“AAARGH! YOU DIE NOW!”
“Oh crap. Mel, could you please grab a hold of Alex there so he won’t murder Ramus?”
“Ho ho ho, you kids are certainly a laugh and a half.”
“This is no laughing matter!”
“Well, that’s just swell. That means that we’re going to have to learn magic. Why me?”
“Alex, you don’t have any time for that. You have to go down and get my diamond.”
“Ramus, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; shut up!”
“Let’s see… where was this Black Rose street again?”
“Yeah, we kind of got that point already. Do you have something to tell us that we don’t already know?”
“Plus, how about some optimism, you shining ray of sunshine? Or did you lose that when your teeth fell out?”
“Who cares about that?! We need to go down into the sewers and get my…”
“SHUT UP!”
“But…”
“Ramus, only you can think of a diamond when the topic strays to pretty girls. You’ve got some weird priorities.”
“I can get as many pretty girls as I want with that diamond, you know.”
“Actually… you’ve got a point. Go fig.”
“You won’t be getting any girls when your carcass lies blasted and lifeless at the bottom of the Meribian sewers, which is what’s going to happen if you nag me anymore about that diamond. Do you understand me?!”
“Um… no, it’s a..”
“Way to listen there, champ. And that’s the first thought that comes to mind when thinking about dragons; collecting quarters?”
“Just leave it be, Alex. This city is getting on my nerves too, as it is with you.”
“Actually, it’s not the CITY that’s getting on my nerves…”
“Point. And one I’m leaving unspoken.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing, Ramus. Feel free to linger in your amazingly shortsighted ignorance. Trust me, as long as you shut up about it, it’ll hurt less.”
“This must be the store we need?”
“And how would you know that?”
“Because it’s the only one we haven’t been into yet. Way of elimination and all that.”
“It’s no use, Nall. Anything not involved ‘OMG WE’LL BE RICH’ is just too much for his mind to handle.”
“And I’ll give you a good price, since you’re good people.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Relax, Alex. I was just kidding. You’ll get this for free, since you’re my servants and all.”
“Thanks, Nash. That’s mighty ni..HEY!”
“Relax, my friends. I was just kidding… again.”
“Hey, no prob, but if you’re trying to annoy me more than Ramus has done up until this point, you might as well just give it up. That’s not just impossible, it’s downright mean to even think about it.”
“Erm… just like that?”
“Yep. Just like that.”
“I was expecting… I dunno… something a bit more extravagant than this.”
“Naw, that’s the deluxe pack, and you ain’t getting THAT for free.”
“Rrrright. Just forget I asked.”
“And so, the concept of me doing all the work continues. Just like it always has.”
*cough*
“Well, almost. But honestly, you should have SEEN what I’ve been having to go through just to get to where we are now from before we met you in Saith. Trust me; you’d want to zap Ramus into next year yourself.”
“I’ll… just take your word for that.”
“Well, ONE of us do, at least.”
“I don’t care, as long as I get my…”
*EVIL GLARE*
“…um, nothing.”
“So you DO have some sense of self-preservation. It’s about time you gained one.”
“Anyway, which kind of enemies are down here that demands us to know magic?”
“The ‘monster compendium’ says what?”
“Gurgler. The ‘abilities’ section just says ‘you don’t want to know’.”
“Right!”
“Now what? Is that… is that a fish with feet? I mean… the slug-like things I can sort of understand, but the fish-thing just makes no sense.”
“It’s called a ‘Fatal Hopper’.”
“What?!”
“Don’t think too hard about it, Alex. Just blast the things and let’s be on our way.”
“This spell is working like a charm.”
“That’s for sure. What’s it called? ‘Great Balls of Fire’?”
“No, of course not. It’s called ‘Flamer’.”
“Must be handy on internet forums.”
“On what?”
“Erm… never mind.”
“THAT’S a dragon? Where’s its fur?”
“How would I know? I wasn’t around when Althena gave the little kitties wings.”
“Good luck, Alex!”
“Erm… thanks. What do you mean by that?”
“Never mind, you wuss.”
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings poop into my pants…”
“Ew!”
“Alright, we actually won. Now let’s go get that diamond so this quest can be over and done with.”
“Oh swell, more sewers.”
“This is just a short sewer corner, though. I’m sure our target is nearby.”
“See? There he is.”
“HEEEERE’S ALEX!”
“One thousand silver for ALL THIS! Oh, trust me, that’s not going to be enough by far.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but ‘having to learn magic just to crawl through monster-infested sewers’ doesn’t even come close to the word ‘fair’, especially since it involves a toady little jerk who tried to steal a diamond from us.”
“3000, huh? So, what’s the jury’s verdict?”
“Sure, we’ll forgive you, but first….”
Many beatings later…
“There goes a beaten man.”
“I needed that stress relief.”
“Ramus, the cash we got didn’t even cover the costs of the armory and weaponry we bought just to get to this point. Even just ONE piece of armor cost almost as much as the money we got from this diamond. Now what does that tell you, you economic-deficit imbecile?”
“That it was a good thing I went out on this quest?”
“Guys, let’s just go back. No sense in staying down here.”
“Not as much dangerous as irritating.”
“Let’s go get ourselves a few cold ones once we get up from these sewers. What do you say, Alex?”
“That sounds nice. Beers?”
“No, fish.”
*urp* “Nall!”
“Thank you, thank you. We’re here all night. Remember to tip your waiter.”
“With cold fish.”
“Well, we would have been up here earlier, but we had too much fun beating up that Dross guy.”
“Yeah. He was screaming like a little girl the whole time.”
“Just a little sojourn in the hood, huh?”
“Getting down with the local cuisine.”
“Well, I’d take some Fatal Hopper over any Escargot any day of the week.”
“You guys are gross.”
“And proud of it.”
“Sure, why not?”
“Since when did YOU become so agreeable.”
“Hey, anything ‘not in the sewers’ is fine with me.”
*cough*
And so, the quest met with success. The diamond was sold and everyone…well, ALMOST everyone was happy. Alex even got the chance to go to the esteemed city of Vane, and so the group sorted out their options and weighed their priorities. What kind of greatness would await our friends on their journey?
“Et tu, Ramus. Well, I guess I’ll manage without the guy who serves as pretty much only a random enemy diversion and little else.”
“You are such a jerk.”
“I know. Well, who knows? Maybe I’ll find some partymembers who aren’t completely useless.”
*chuckle* “Don’t you ever change, Alex.”