Chapter 20: The end of the journey, or so one hopes.
“I’m sure you’d have more visitors if everything on the way up wasn’t trying to KILL us.”
“It would also help if this place wasn’t standing on top of a huge monument of conquest, destruction and enslavement.”
“But that aside? We’re as surprised as you are. No, really.”
“Well, looks like we’re finding ourselves in yet another supposedly empty room. I wonder what kind of exciting stuff the random encounters will bring us in here.”
“Well, this sure follows a different style.”
“Roardusa? Isn’t that a Manticore?”
“With shades of Chimera, yes.”
“And, uh… Ghaleon just gave up on the whole ‘naming process’, didn’t he?”
“Yep. We’re now into the usage of prefixes like ‘super’, ‘ultra’ and ‘totally awesome’ in front of the term ‘fiend’.”
“I think it’s cause for concern that we’re getting used to this sort of thing. I wonder if this will set standards for the future in situations like this?”
*as it would turn out…*
“So, what are we facing this time?”
“Eh, nothing much. Just the thug rap smoke trio and a naked woman with a crow’s head sitting on a Goat Lamia.”
“And last time it was what? Flying Penis Cannon Monster and Tickle Me Nyarlathotep?”
“In other words, nothing out of the ordinary.”
*well…. back to the past.*
“Man, I sure hope not.”
“Yes, we know. We’ve kind of been keeping to arriving at the scene mere seconds too late to save any of you.”
“Nall, shhhh!”
“Gah! Again with the obvious. We already knew that.”
“Ghaleon’s kind of a…. classic villain.”
“Plus, he sure likes to hear himself talk.”
“Nall, seriously….”
“It could be someone else, you know?”
“With my luck? No. No, it couldn’t.”
“Why would she need to grab you? She’s got an amazing rack herself, you know.”
“Um… I’m not sure that’s what she meant.”
“And what do you mean by that anyway?”
“Hey, looks like someone is still sore over Nall’s little comment.”
“ALEX! IXNAY WITH THE ALK-TAY!”
“I AM NOT!”
“Kyle, is she like that all the time?”
“How would I know?”
“Or maybe he’s just sick of…”
“PRODUCT PLACEMENT!”
“Oh yeah!”
“Still the comedy duo, huh?”
“Hey, when you got it, flaunt it.”
“Does that mean Luna’s been holding out on me?”
“She sure has. In more ways than one.”
*snrk*
“Something wrong with your throats there?”
“Um, no, nothing at all.”
“Heavens forbid.”
“Well, you could always try walking, but this place is packed with all kinds of weird monsters.”
“Which never attack if you just stand still… for some odd reason.”
“But we can’t just stand around here. We’ve got places to go and people to rescue.”
“And dreams to fulfill. Not MY dreams, mind you, but… dreams.”
“Oh dear god, the sing-song voices again.”
“Uh… sure, we’ll take you home. We just have to… go take care of something first, so… wait here, ok? And don’t move an inch, or the monsters will come get you.”
“Nall! That was just cruel.”
“Oh great, now there’s a wet spot where she’s standing too.”
“He was searching for gems? Then why was he kidnapping all these girls?”
“Careful now, or the metaphor police will come and arrest you on grounds of being stupid.”
“Well, the metaphor police was never one to take a joke anyway.”
“Or a beating, for that matter.”
“Jessica, don’t tell me you…”
“I might have, but that’s for me to know and you to keep awake at night pondering.”
“We’re already doing that, Nall. There’s no need to remind me every ten seconds.”
“Ok, swell. Now that we have the key so meticulously placed that we had to scour the whole damn thing, we can finally get to the end of this little sojourn.”
“Come to think of it, since the key is on the outside of the door, and our villains are hiding on the inside… does that mean they had themselves locked in?”
“How the hell should I know?”
“And if they didn’t want to be found or reached, why did they leave the key outside for anyone to find? Well, anyone willing to traverse this irritating dungeon, that is.”
“Guys, I KNOW what we have to do. Could we please stop making me want to stab myself in the brain by turning this into an argument of logic?”
“Man, he must be one sucker for punishment.”
“Or maybe he just likes bossy women.”
“Did he have any Sigmund Freud posters in his room?”
“Erm… what? Anyway…”
“You’re even talking like a bigshot now. Big words from someone who live by other people’s accomplishments.”
“Alex, what in the…?”
“The real Luna would have decked Alex a long time ago for what he just said, so you… you fell for our trap.”
“Wait, what? Seriously?”
“Curses, foiled again. Oh well…”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure this won’t segue into a long tirade of lame threats or anything.”
“See?”
“H-hey, that was uncalled for. Anyway…”
“No, I spent all those when I found out what Luna had in store for me the day Ramus came running, babbling about dragon poopie he just had to get his hands on.”
“Alex, this better not lead into another one of your ‘Brown Dragon Rage’ routines.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Don’t you guys ever shut up?”
“Oh, look who’s talking. You should take your own advice some time.”
“AAAAARGH! THAT’S IT!”
“Oh great. Another person who hates feet.”
“I don’t hate them, but this is better to STRANGLE YOU ALL WITH!”
“Is that why you put in the order for a few extra pairs of hands as well?”
“No, those I had made so I could hold more swords. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! NOW YOU DIE!”
“Hey, do you know what has eleven heads and twenty-two arms and legs?”
“NO! NOR DO I CARE! DIE ALREADY!”
“You’re no fun at all. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.”
“And then, the cartoonist suffered a stroke…”
“Er… what?”
“HOW CAN THIS BE?!”
“Oh great, now she’s going through the handbook of cliche’s for villains in defeat.”
“Well, that’s that. But how do we get any f… ah, teleporters. I should have seen that coming.”
“Well, this is obviously not a lady’s room.”
“And what do you mean to imply with that statement?”
“He’s right, you know. Cold, blue colors. No drapes. No small, cute bras hanging out from dressers. It’s rather obvious when you think about it.”
“Then again, Xenobia’d need some sizable brassieres for that chest of hers.”
“Not any more, though. Say, Jessica, you feeling ok? You’re a little red in the face there.”
“Hey, look! Hey! Hey! Look! Hey, look! HEY! HEY, LOOK!”
“Nall, this isn’t Zelda, so can it.”
“Um… no, he’s looking the exact same way he did when we last saw him.”
“…IN OUR NIGHTMARES!”
“And what do you mean ‘now that he’s turned to evil’? He did that a LONG time ago.”
*cough*
“Who’s the one who likes to hear themselves talk now? Stop jabbering and come fight me, you morons.”
“Hey, we don’t talk… that much?”
“Noooo, of course not. I swear, if I have to go through another set of trite speeches in the future, I might as well just stab myself and save me the trouble of dying slowly. Good thing that’s not going to happen.”
*oh, we’re not so sure about that, are we?*
“Blah blah blah truth and justice blah blah blah triumph over evil blah blah blah good saves the day blah blah blah….”
“Well, I stand corrected. Or I would have, if I only were on my feet.”
*oh, the horrors. Well, back to the past we go…*
“H-hey, What are you doing back there? You can’t just waltz in here and do as you please, you know?”
“Someone should’ve told you that before you went and built this huge contraption.”
“YES, YOU DO! Now come here and fight like the… well, the wimps that you are.”
“Oh, all right. I guess there’s no way AROUND IT oh ha ha ha.”
“….”
“Anyway, it’s time to take out the tr..”
“Xenobia already did that one.”
“…ash. You’ll never see…”
“…your precious Luna again?”
“Gah! Ok, the only way to her is…?”
“Past me. Which is to say, past you.”
“Ok, then. Say ‘bye-bye’ to everything…”
“…you love in this world. Heard it, saw it, got the T-shirt.”
“Damn it! Xenobia always steal the good lines.”
“THOSE AREN’T GOOD LINES!”
“Whatever! Let’s fight.”
“About damn time. Was it really necessary to put us through all that?”
“Yes.”
“Now, taste my big, sparkly disco ball of light.”
“And my ninja split orange boat slice.”
“And my healing spells… except YOU aren’t the one who will be feeling those.”
“Not to mention my totally awesome lightning purple ball spell.”
“And my black brain worm which I will unleash on you.”
“….”
“Mia, that’s kind of evil.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Haha, that’s nothing compared to my ultimate attack, the… TRIPLE BITCHSLAP!”
“…uh.”
“Not what yet?”
*shrug* “Who knows?”
“Yeah. I mean… he’s got two statues of Althena behind his throne. There’s worship and then there’s worship.”
“Open Sesamee.”
“Alex, you had the key. You didn’t NEED a password.”
“I know. I just felt like saying it.”
“Wh… what kind of a place is this? Why are there STARS in here? This makes no sense.”
“Well, if you thought THAT was weird, just take a look in front of us.”
“That… has got to be the most inconvenient, flamboyant and stupid route I have ever seen. Did someone make this path while completely drunk off their larvae feet?”
“No idea, Alex, but we’re gonna have to go there.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Not so fast, peons. Do you have any offerings for me?”
“That’s Luna, alright. The change in her personality is minimal.”
“Looks like Ghaleon’s been teaching her the finer points of wearing stupid looking hats, though.”
“That is one smokin’ hot brassiere, though. I have to give him that.”
“And she’s that fiiiiine.”
“Did someone call the grammar police yet?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a worthy accomplishment, alright. Is there something else you could do the ‘stab and twist’ with while you’re at it?”
“That’s good. But… say, do you think you could at least make her a little less demanding and ambitious while you’re at it? I’d appreciate that.”
“A worthy Dragonmaster, alright.”
“Oh, sure. You can say that because you never met her.”
“I’m… not sure I like where this is going.”
“WE KNOW! JESUS CHRIST, WE’VE HEARD THIS CRAP EV…wait, ‘temporary’?”
“Ok? So… what’s the downside?”
“ALEX!”
“What?!”
“She’s your girlfriend, right?”
“Yeah, but… she’ll only turn into the goddess of love, right? Which, as far as I can tell, is her real personality to begin with. And, more importantly, a far, far less demanding one.”
“Can’t argue against that.”
“I… I give up.”
“..ance?”
“…ogs?”
“Um…”
“I’m… not even sure what’s going on anymore.”
“THIS! THIS IS GOING ON!”
“Ok, so I needed five or six hits. There’s no need to rub it in my face, you know?”
“Um… that’s not what I was getting at. Well, ok, so it kind of was, but…”
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; DON’T YOU EVER SHUT UP?!”
“I guess not, huh?”
“In other words, stop standing with your backs exposed, you idiots.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Oh, look who’s still a prettyboy. So, what’cha gonna do, huh?”
“Oh, so you’re going to cry on us? Prettyboy’s gonna cry? Be a little emo, huh? A little down in the dumps?”
“…um, I guess not.”
“Did he steal a Guyver unit?”
“I hope he won’t tear his chest open to fire lasers or anything. That’d just be gross.”
“JOKE WHILE YOU CAN, FOOLS!”
“And hey, he can talk despite not having a mouth. Now THAT is creepy.”
“Um, Ghaleon. Buddy. Your back is on fire, you know.”
“SILENCE!”
“Fine, fine. Just saying.”
“I DO NOT CARE! ALL I CARE ABOUT NOW IS ENDING YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!”
“And why are your horns bent now? I thought they were straight a few seconds ago.”
“KARGH!”
“That was kind of sad.”
“What’s the matter, Alex? You gonna cry now? Cry like a baby?”
“Hee hee.”
“Yes, the fact that… uh, NOTHING HAPPENS sure is a good indication of that.”
“Trust me. We’re talking REALLY out of control here. Like far, far out, man.”
“Still not impressed.”
“But erasing her memories and making her forget all of us? Doesn’t sound very compassionate to me.”
“But wasn’t that what you wanted in the first place?”
“Well… yeah, but… that’s beside the point.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Oh, sure, NOW you remember that option.”
*harumph* “Yes, well… it IS very dangerous.”
“How?! Every villain here is dead.”
“You’re… ignoring us now, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, anyway, you can’t find ‘solace’ in Luna. You can only find ambition and pain.”
“Er….”
“What do you mean ‘goddess’? That’s hardly the word I’d use to describe Luna.”
“I don’t know about you guys, but this is pretty damn depressing.”
“Nothing quite like a bit of domestic issues in the inner sanctum of evil.”
“Yep. We’re screwed.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, miss Attention Span.”
“More like ATTENTION SPAM, amirite?”
“Heh.”
“Understatement of the year.”
“No, I meant right now.”
“Well, in that case, she’s a bit less deadly.”
“I… see.”
“The fourth wall… nice job breaking it, hero.”
“All in a day’s work.”
“And it’s not my style for a reason.”
“Yeah. I might actually be getting my old girlfriend back.”
“Er… yes.”
“I wonder if I can still convince the Dragon Angels to reawaken Althena.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“Her need for fame? Her bossy and motherly attitude?”
“Well… yes. Whatever.”
“You.. you know that I… you.. what…”
“Now, now, don’t be shy.”
“Mia, what clued you in that she was my girlfriend? The first NINE THOUSAND TIMES I mentioned it?”
“Yep. Clever, ain’t I?”
“You sure are. It’s no wonder you’re the future Guild Premier.”
“Oh, you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, I bet Luna will reach deep down my throat with her fist.”
“Yeah, it’s not like Dy… uh, I mean… LAIKE delivered the both of you to our parents or anything. Nope, she sure won’t remember you.”
“Maybe, but I’m not so keen on the whole ‘fist down my throat’ treatment.”
“NEITHER AM I!”
“God, why did I decide I wanted to talk to all of you?”
“Because you wanted to drag out the time?”
“And you just HAD to make me regret that, didn’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Peace and happiness, huh? If only.”
“AGHAGHAGHACK! Yeah, that’s the Luna I know, alright. Only now with lightning magic.”
“Yes, yes. I’m right here, comin’ at’cha.”
“OW! I’m coming, I’m coming. Keep your pants on.”
“You are at the end of a really stupidly built walkway, a veritable excess of materials and alcohol consumption ahead of construction. It really suits your ambitious needs.”
“OWOWOW, I KID, I KID!”
“OW! Now why would I give up on all this? Not everyone can say they’ve got a girlfriend who hit them with lightning spells on a regular basis.”
“YOU’RE scared? I’ve got a sneaky suspicion you’re doing this on purpose.”
“If you want me to lead you ‘into the light’, you might want to wait with sending ME there.”
“Losing… feelings in… my legs.”
“Oh, f… I KNEW it. It just HAD to be that dorky song.”
“Hmmm. To play the harp or NOT to play the harp. That is the dilemma.”
“OW OW OW! OK, OK, OK, I’LL PLAY IT! PLEASE, JUST… JUST STOP!”
*gasp, cough* “Ok, time to put away that ol’ dignity again.”
“STOP! Those who want to cross this bridge must answer me these questions three. First, what is your favorite instrument.”
“Luna, please don’t make this any worse than it needs to be.”
“SILENCE, FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?!”
“You’re… enjoying this, aren’t you? ‘Out of control’ my foot.”
“LUNA?! What’s wrong?”
“I’m… I’m wearing this dorky hat! How can this be?”
“You’ll have to ask Ghaleon about that. Except you can’t, because he’s dead.”
“The shame, it’s too much. I’ll…”
“WHOA! I’d like me some more of THAT. They should totally make that the goddess dress code.”
*and did they? Let’s see…*
“Eugh, it’s really cold here. Whoever decided that all goddesses and demi-goddesses should walk around naked deserves a foot far, far up where the sun don’t shine.”
*er… yes, that’s… all in the past, though*
“Well, I made it, so I hope you’ll be satisfied with that.”
“My hero! Oh, I’ve always wanted to say that.”
“My lovable weirdo.”
And so, the gang gathered after their legendary adventures. There was much laughter to be had… most of it from Tempest. Nash kept quiet, since he already knew that it was imperative to be so when scoping out Luna’s cleavage.
Her father unstoned, Jessica immediately threw herself into his arms. She received a spine-crumbling bear hug from her father for the effort. Meanwhile, Mia received the esteemed award for oustanding performance, which, all things considered, was a bit of an understated reward for what they just went through.
That was the day her evil eye reached the next level.
Tempest and Fresca returned to the plains… just in time for a large flu outbreak that left them incapacitated for the next couple of days. The irony was not lost on them. Meanwhile, Jessica — recovering from her spine-crippling hug — set about planning her future while… practicing her sewing. Kyle was less than pleased.
After her award, Mia brought Nash along to the library for a… private study session. The inhabitants of Vane have still to hear from any of them. When hearing about it, Ramus just laughed, elbowed Alex in his side and went ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink’. Due to this, Alex once again wondered whether he had underestimated the intelligence of his old friend.
He still said no to Ramus’ next suggestion for a ‘get rich quick’ sceme.
Free from his obligations of following Alex around, Laike finally set out on his own adventure. The last Alex heard from him, he was out in the frontier to search for hot Vile Tribe girls.
“Ah, home at last. I never thought we’d see this place again.”
“Sure is good to see the ol’ homestead again. I could sure us a vacation.”
“Vacation? But Alex, you don’t have any time for that. First, there’s the autograph signing. Then, we have to get working on the movie, and after that…”
“Whyyy meeee?!”
“Hello, everyone. I’m Stig, and I’m the host of this little story. I basically played the game, wrangled the screenshot into place and wrote the darn thing.”
“And I’m Melkorka. I played the role of the grammar nazi, which was a job almost as extensive. This granted me the chance of reading it first, though, so it’s a decent payoff.”
*hrm* “Yes. Well, these chapters have been written from the wee hours in the morning to the late hours in the night, so I guess the quality of my own grammar control has been of…. variable quality. But yes, thanks to Melkorka, I do not sound like a complete idiot.”
“The key word being ‘variable’.”
*cough* “Anyway, let’s hear what our stars have to say.”
“So… I guess that’s it, huh?”
“Yep. This game doesn’t have a epilogue, so that’s all you get.”
“Which, by the way, is one chapter short of the length of the LP for Lunar EB, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“Oh, you kids and your epilogues and your ‘gimme more’ attitude.”
“That’s fine and all, but… did you really have to turn me into such a ditzoid in this let’s play?”
“Oh, come on. You weren’t THAT bad. Besides, I had to do something.”
“And what’s with the psychotic glare thing? I am NOT like that. I’m sweet and gentle, dammit!”
“Really?”
“Hm hm hm hm hm.”
“YES! REALLY!”
“And that’s what I’m talking about. And please, Mel. No Ghaleon laughs now.”
“Oh, fine.”
“Well, thanks for not turning me into a crossdressing doofus, at least. Wish I could be that thankful to everyone else.”
“This I gotta see.”
“Um… no. No, you don’t. In fact, how about you forget I just said that.”
“Awww.”
“I’m especially curious about my little transformation, though. Any particular reason why you chose to make me like that?”
“Uh… that was… just… comedy! Yeah. Anyway, you DID have a temper in the original too, you know?”
“So I was a little bit jealous. Big freaking deal.”