Chapter 2: Boarding troubles in paradise.
*sigh* “Ok, so the bridge is apparently down. That’s just lovely. What else can go wrong, I wonder?”
“I’m sure it’s no problem, Alex honey. It’s just a matter of finding someone who can repair it, like the lumberjack living nearby.”
“That’s right, Alex. We don’t even have to do anything in this case.”
“…or maybe we do. Um… never mind, I guess.”
“He forgot his axe in Weird Woods. Weird Woods! Who the hell forgets their axe — possibly the only means of weaponry a lumberjack has — in Weird Woods?! Am I the only one to find that name a wee bit too sinister to do something like that?”
“Well… you know, when work becomes too much routine, that sort of thing is bound to happen.”
“And you’d be the guy to know, mr. ‘let’s go before my father starts on responsibility speech number one million’. At any rate, it seems like we’re heading off to Weird Woods. Better make sure we’re armed to our teeth, because that’s the first thing that springs to mind when going to Weird Woods.”
“Alex, you can be such a jerk.”
“Not often enough, it seems.”
“Oh really? Monsters in Weird Woods? Why, color me surprised.”
“You’ve made your point, Alex dear.”
“Not too hard, huh? Does that mean you plan on helping us fight the monsters?”
“Well, um…. no, not really.”
“Figures.”
“Ok, so we got ourselves a bit of a challenge, Alex, but that’s no reason to get so upset.”
“Oh, I’m not upset, Ramus ol’ pal. Not really, since you’ll be going first and all.”
“Oh good. For a second I thou..wait, me first? Aaaaleeeex!”
“By golly, I seem to be taking the point in this little journey. Who knew?”
“Um… Alex, what the hell is that?”
“Buncha lousy… what was that, Nall?”
“Those…. things sticking up from the ground. If the other ones looked like nipples, then these are sure looking like cow udders.”
“Nall, eeeew!”
“Well, they do.”
“Nall, someone really should introduce you to the concept of ‘too much information’.”
“Well, here we are. The Weird Woods, apparently also known as ‘the very tiny, squareish patch of woods’. Are you people ready?”
“I was born ready.”
“Oh, we’ll see about that.”
“Alex, dear…”
“Really? You sure have a strange sense of perspective, Nall. First it’s ‘not that hard’ and now it’s ‘OMG haunted’. So, where do we stand in all this?”
“How would I know? I’ve never been here before.”
“Why am I not surpr..OH, LOOK OUT, RAMUS! GHOSTS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”
“OH GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! I WANT MY MOOOhey, wait a sec. There’s no enemies here.”
“Also, that’s quite a devious smile on your face there, old buddy.”
“Heh heh. Just taking whatever entertainment I can from this.”
“You’re such a pal. Oh, by the way, there’s a couple of zombies and some mutant flies right behind you.”
“Oh no, I’m not falling for that one. If there really were, you’d soil your pants by now.”
“Um… actually, Alex…”
“So NOW it’s ‘be careful’? Are you sure, Nall, because I’d hate to overestimate the enemy here.”
“Alex, give it a rest. You’ve played the part of the sarcastic asshole for the last couple of hours… actually, you’ve been like this for almost two days straight. What is your problem?”
“Oh, I dunno… it started with ‘Hi Alex! I’ve been looking all over for you’ and ended with ‘That shouldn’t be too hard to find. Let’s go get his axe, Alex!’ Now, by all means, do assure me that our trip will be nothing but flowers, puppies and Yes songs after we’re done with Weird Woods. I could do without having to throw myself in harms way for a while.”
“Who the hell is that?”
“I don’t know, but he sure looks… staunch.”
“He’s wearing a beret.”
“More importantly, why the hell is he standing in this goddessforsaken forest in the middle of goddessforsaken nowhere minding his own goddessforsaken business.”
“His what?”
“Erm… never mind. I got caught up in my own wording there.”
“Ohoho, what’s that I hear in the distance. A couple of whiny kids? That’s rich! Ohoho.”
“……….”
“If a little whiny, but hey… nobody’s perfect.”
“Hey, I’m not the one complaining.”
“Hey, I’m not going to complain anymore, since me, Luna and Nall will be heading home after we finish up here.”
“Whaaaat? But, Aaaaleeeeex, I need you to get me to Meribia so I can sell my diamoooooond.”
“Ho ho ho, you kids are an interesting bunch, that’s for sure.”
“Actually, my boyfriend Alex is a dragonmaster in training. We’re out on a quest so he can find the dragons and be like his hero, Dyne.”
“What? Hey, hold on just one second.”
“But… but I wasn’t… I just wanted to…”
“Now now, Alex. We need to hurry up and find that axe so we can continue on.”
“But… but…”
“Luna, why did you… I just…”
“Um… guys?”
“BUt you already got the approval of the white dragon. I’m sure you’ll manage just fine.”
“Hello?”
“You believed what he said? Just because he said something doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do it.”
“Chest?”
“Oh, don’t be shy, Alex. I know you can do this. And it just so happens that it coincides with me going to Meribia and becoming rich. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone.”
“Um… guys?”
“I am NOT doing this just for you. And don’t you start with me. Be glad I’m not just leaving you all here in the woods.”
“Guys, listen…”
“But just think of the bragging rights I’ll get with a dragonmaster for a boyfriend. My other friends will be SOOO jealous.”
“Hey.”
“Luna, you can’t be serious. Do you honestly expect me to play the Dragonmaster apprentice just so you can brag about it?”
“HEY!”
“That’s… oh, Nall? What’s up?”
“This! Chest!”
“Oh. Hmm, let’s see….. it seems to be locked.”
*VEINASPLODE*
“Well, here’s the shed. Let’s go find this axe so we can return to our friend Arthur ‘Two Sheds’ Jackson and be done with the whole bloody thing.”
“And there it is. Man, that’s a huge-ass axe. The guy who’s wielding this is hesistant about going into these woods? That makes no sense.”
“Yeah, I bet it’s not just because destiny likes to slap me across the face or anything.”
“But once we’re done, there should be no more problems.”
“Well, no… not outside of Ramus wanting to go to sell Dragonbutt diamonds and axes being left in Weird Woods. Nothing in particular. No, siree. Just a couple of speedbumps along the way. As soon as we reach Saith, there’ll be nothing but smooth sailings ahead.”
“Ho ho ho, that’s the spirit, m’boy.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
“I know.”
“Well, yeah. How did you figure that out?”
“Ho ho ho. Nothing in particular. Only that you smell of farmboy for miles around.”
“That’s it. When we get to Saith, I’m getting a new armor piece. I’m sick of the smell coming from these clothes.”
“Ho ho ho. You kids be safe now.”
“You knew it was in the shed, yet you didn’t go fetch it yourself? What’s next, I wonder? You going back into the forest to get wood for the fix-up project, thus basically making our little fetch-quest a complete waste of time?”
“Calm down, Alex, before you pop a vein. Trust me, that hurts a lot more than you’d expect.”
“Nall, we’ve set out on this quest, but we haven’t even left our own homelands yet, mostly because we’ve been forced to go on these really mundane fetch quests all the time.”
“We’ve been on ONE little sidequest so far, Alex. Hardly the armageddon of diversions that.”
“Yeah, but that one quest just struck me as extra ridiculous. There are trees absolutely goddamn everywhere on our little island, and yet our local lumberjack ‘two Sheds’ Jackson forgets his axe in one infested with zombies. Something tells me he’ll even return there to get some lumber for repairing the bridge. Did someone go on a ‘how to make things as difficult as possible’ course or something? That just makes me fear for the future of this adventure of mine.”
“Ok, so we got some time to kill. How about we return home for a while and pretend all this never happened?”
“Whatever, as long as it gets you calmed down some.”
“Ah, ol’ Burg, the town I know so well. It almost feels like we never left at all.”
“For one who prides himself on hard work, you sure bitch a lot.”
“That’s because most hard work comes with a decent payoff. The only thing I’ve gained over these last two days are an old dragon wanting to check out my ‘manhood’ and having to deal with Ramus’ bling-bling fetish.”
“Didn’t we already do this? I mean… weren’t we already on our way to Saith when we had to go play the good boyscout in zombie-infested forests?”
“Ok, ok, I get it! Jeez! I just wanted to become rich, you know. I just don’t know why you are so annoyed just from me dragging you all into this.”
“Must… control… sword… of… death.”
“Guh! Don’t remind me.”
“The amazing part is that it wasn’t really Alex’s idea, but Ramus. You’d have to wave a pretty big diamond in front of his face to make him even want to leave the village.”
“And where does ‘not as brave as Alex’ fit into the scales?”
“Haha, yeah, that’s… HEY, that’s rude… maybe. Er… I mean…”
“Now you threw Alex off, Nall. Shame on you.”
“Ha! Well, what with how grumpy he’s been these latest two days, it was about time.”
“So, you’re saying you’ve been enjoying these two days?”
“Well, no, but….”
“Not me.”
“Methinks thou doth complain too much. You did a fine job this far, after all.”
“Yes. And?”
“….never mind. See if I ever give you a compliment again.”
“Wait, what are you saying now? That we need a letter to get on the ship at all? Christ on a…. I just bet Ramus didn’t know that, which would have forced us to walk all the way back here… AGAIN… to get that letter.”
“Well… yeah, that would be like him, wouldn’t it?”
“And you’ll handle who?”
“Um… noone, really.” *whistles*
“I think I know where Luna got her obsessive-compulsive mothering streak from.”
“You only figured out that now?”
“Well, no, but….”
“No ‘buts’ now, Alex. You DO want to go on that adventure, right?”
“No, not really.”
“Aaaaleeeex?!”
“I’ll go! Good grief, I’ll go, woman. Even if it’s not what I particularly want.”
“That’s my boy.”
*sigh* “Why was I even born into this world?”
“You’re asking me?”
“No, it was a rhetorical question, Nall. But if you have an answer, by all means…”
“Well, at least I’ll be leaving a tiny room instead of a gigantic living area with my own fireplace and luxury furniture and all.”
“Why, Alex, dear. Implying something?”
“Implying that there is some small element of favoritism? Perish the thought.”
“Lady, can you please try not getting me killed before we even get started on this journey?”
“I can tell, what with how quickly you took position… at the very end of our party lineup. Not very eager to do your part in the battles, are you?”
“Actually, Luna is the one to bring up the rear — huh huh, ‘bring up the rear’… I made a funny. Anyway…”
*groan*
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, look. The bridge has indeed been fixed. While I’m sure the grass is greener on the other side, I wonder if the enemies are as well.”
“What kind of an expression is that?”
“Erm… never mind. That… ‘Grouser’ sure is green.”
“And there’s another one of those… um…”
“‘Nipples’?”
” Ah, yeah.”
“Ahaha, Luna, you’re blushing. That’s so.. OW! What’d you slap me for?”
“Eyes in front, dumbass. You don’t want to walk back first into an enemy confrontation, do you OH WATCH OUT!”
“GAH! WHAT?! WHAT?!”
“Juuust checking.”
“You are such an asshole, Alex. I love it!”
“Here we are. Ten silver says we ain’t getting on that boat without having to take another detour.”
“I’ll take you on with that bet, you pessimist. ONE detour, and you win ten silver.”
“Deal.”
“Er… what?”
“Wait, I didn’t say anything. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You took your time answering instead of saying ‘no’ right away. You were considering it, weren’t you?”
“No, I was… argh, you never listen to what I say anyway.”
“That’s not true, and you know it.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Actually, you don’t even give me a chance to say anything at all.”
“Touche.”
“How cute. You argue like a married couple already.”
“We do not!”
“Uh oh!”
“Here we go.”
“ZZZZZZZZZZZ!”
“Whuh?! The story’s over? Ok, everyone, wake up.”
“Just ten more minutes, mom.”
“Uh oh, I don’t like where this is going.”
“Arrh. Those scurvy landlubbers won me chart away while we be playing carrrhds. If ye be wantin’ it, ye have to go on a little side quest to be findin’ it, yarrh!”
“Ffff…”
“But look on the bright side, Alex. At least you won the bet.”
“Ramus, I made that bet so that karma would have me lose ten silver, so that at least we’d be off by now. I should have known karma doesn’t work like that.”
“Maybe someone inside can help us. Let’s go look, Alex.”
*sigh* “Fine, fine.”
“Um… wow!”
“So, impressed with my dominating prescence, peasant?”
“No, I’m just impressed that you got your hair to stay up like that. That is one kingly quiff there, sport.”
“Hee hee, that’s so true.”
“And you also like to hear yourself talk.”
“Ye.. I mean, no! Where do you get off talking to me like that, peasants?”
“Where? Right in front of you.”
“That’s not what I meant, you simpletons. Oh, whatever. Just… scram. You’re not worth my time.”
“Never mind him, Alex. Let’s go talk with the dockmaster so we can find out what’s what.”
“Yes, yes. Please excuse us from distracting you from the daunting task of standing here for hours on end staring into the distance so you can spend a minute reading this short letter.”
“Ok, fine, you smart-alecky little kids. I’ll read that damn letter, and THEN I’m going to throw you out.”
“Here you go. Take your time.”
“Hmmm. Oh, so you’re his son… aha, yeah. Ok. Well, in that case, you can get on the ship. Or rather, you could. See…”
“Yeah, we kind of heard. Ok, ok, let’s go talk with him again. Maybe he’s got some idea where it is.”
“You already told us that.”
“Rrreally? In that case, mateys, tharrrh be nothin’ moarrh for me to imparrrht.”
“Ok, fine, we’ll go back inside and talk with the card sharks there. Just… please stop the stupid pseudo-pirate talk.”
“Arrrh?”
“Ok, that sure was a hell of a lot more helpful. Makes me wonder why we didn’t just ask him from the start?”
“Sounds like a plan. Also, how about we ask Blowhard the Wizard over there to come along. I’m sure he would love to give us his invaluable aid or something.”
“Good idea.”
“So, let me see if I get this straight: you’re going to trade away something that’s of no use here for the sea chart? Hey, if you succeed in doing that, then you’re a shrewd negotiator.”
“Er… no, wait. What I meant to say was…”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. You don’t have to TELL the old sea witch that the staff is useless. It’s a magic staff, right?”
“Hmm. I’m a bit less impressed by the enemies over here. Why, even attacking them with swords seems to be effective.”
“What are you saying? Isn’t that how it works with all kinds of enemies?”
“No, not quite. You see… well… you’ll find out eventually.”
“Desire to go to Meribia lessened.”
“There’s nothing to worry about, Alex. We’re just going to the city to sell the diamond, and that’s it. There’ll be no problems whatsoever.”
“Ramus, each time you say something like that, Athena kills a baby dragon. So please stop saying ‘there’ll be no more problems’ or any of the sorts.”
“Hmph.”
“Yes.”
“Well, that was easy.”
“Told you so. With me along for the ride, you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“You say that, but we haven’t actually SEEN any of those magnificent powers of yours yet.”
“Well, that’s because you people kill off all these enemies before I can even do anything. You have some amazingly wimpy enemies in this region, you know.”
“Well, that’s fine. You can take on the next enemy we meet, so that we can see what you’re made of.”
“Sure, no prob.”
“HAVE AT YOU, SAD EXCUSE FOR A FIEND!”
“…..”
“THAT is your mad skills? Tossing a Z-shaped lightning bolt at an enemy for average damage?”
“Ah, but I also have a spell that let me cast Z-shaped bolts at ALL enemies present.”
“Well, wow, that changes everything. I’m sorry to have doubted you, my friend.”
“You are forgiven.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
“So was I.”
“Now, now, you two. The ship is waiting.”
“Oh, finall..WHAT?!”
“Arrrh.”
“Don’t you ‘arrrh’ me. What’s wrong this time?”
“Mmmhh… mysteriously? Wh… what do you mean by that?”
“It be meanin’ just what I be sayin’. Someone be needin’ to haul over and put on that light again, arrh.”
“And do you know what else that means, Alex?”
“No, but your smarmy grin is telling me I won’t like it.”
“It means you lost the bet, since the bet was about us getting distracted by ONE sidequest, and not two.”
“What? But… but, that was… I was… you were…. AAAAAARGH!”
“That’s the way to go about it, m’lad. A real pirate expression if I ever heard one.”
“Why can’t we just all get where we want to without all this horsing around? Why… WHY ME?!”
“Well, here we are. Let’s just quietly sneak up and quickly start that light. I just want to go already.”
“Now, now, Alex dear. Patience is a virtue, you know.”
“Alex is a bit whipped, isn’t he?”
“Well…. yeah.”
“Guys, please…?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stand aside, because we’re rushing this place.”
“Guys, do we really need to check every single chest we come across? Besides, these leather clothes smell even worse than the ones we found in father’s cellar.”
“It’s free, so stop complaining.”
“But they smell so bad, they’re bound to draw the attention of something.”
“Nonsense. Like what?”
“Um… oops?”
“Grraaaah!”
“I swear I’m never EVER going to eat snail again. And what kind of sadist made these floors? The stairs are five feet away, and yet we have to walk around the whole goddamn place.”
“I’m sure there’s just one more floor. Don’t give up now, Alex.”
*sigh* “Just a little more now.”
“See? Now we only need to light up that thing and go down again.”
“Yeah, yeah. There. Let’s not waste any time. I just want out of this place, and over to Meribia so we can sell that damn diamond and finish this sordid Dragon Assrock business.”
“Sure, you might whine and complain a lot, but you always get things done.”
“And that’s why you’re my friend, Alex, and why I let you in on my amazing business deals.”
“Whyyyhyyhyyy are you doohooohooing this to meeeheeeheee.”
“Now, now, Alex. Dry your tears. This’ll all be over soon.”
“Sordid, but effective. I’m not sure I like that… defeated way he’s smiling, though.”
“Eh, whatever works.”
“Yeah, I bet you are. I’m just glad to be able to go to the captain so I can shove this flintrock up his ass so hard, he’ll be crapping diamonds as well.”
“Aren’t you just a beacon of sunlight and optimism, Alex. I’m not sure whether to be impressed or… well…”
“Yeeey. Do you have a little flag I could wave? I feel like celebrating or something.”
And so, Alex and his friends finally conquered the rights to travel the seas, at least for a while. They could practically see the lights of Meribia already, and soon, new shores would wait for them to conquer it. Friends forever, nothing could tear them apart.
“Wait, what?”