Chapter 19: Getting on top of…. things.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just… wait. I don’t think I can manage all these double-entendres at once.”
“Take her in? Swallow her? You two need to get out of this tower more often. In fact, I have a couple of suggestions for great places to meet women.”
“Yeah, I bet you do.”
“Uh….”
“Do NOT go to Meryod, though. Not only do you have to listen to this really stupid dialect, but… well, let’s just say they didn’t take the singing girl there for a reason.”
“That reason being that she will make your ears bleed and your soul hurt.”
“Don’t you people have someone to rescue?”
“Sure do. In fact, now that I’ve gotten my nice, shiny sword, I think I’ll be on my way.”
“Hold on there. We still have more to say.”
“D’oh!”
“We KNOW! If we didn’t figure that out when traversing the library of Vane, we would have learned this in Damon’s library. How bad do you think our short-term memory is?”
“Well…”
“Yeah, I find it really insulting th… OOOH, KITTY! You are with us still?”
“Gah! Not again! Alex, do something.”
“…do you really want us to answer that?”
“…nah, it’s ok.”
“The battle between good and evil, huh? Always a classic.”
“And not a shred of politics to go with it. Gotta love uncomplicated affairs.”
“You are having an affair?”
“What?! No, I… what the hell are you talking about?”
“Now, as I was saying…”
“Actually, you weren’t, because we were just leaving. Bye now.”
“Oh, phooey. Kids are no fun these days.”
“I hear ya. If it isn’t old perverts wanting to check out your manhood, it’s old geezers who want you to hang around and listen to them talk about nothing.”
“Or talk about the clearly marked roles of good and evil.”
“…”
“Alex, is there any particular reason why we’re talking to THIS guy?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just reminding ourselves why we’re doing this.”
“You… want Ghaleon to win, don’t you?”
“Nonono.”
“Yep. I sure did. Luna’s dreams finally came true.”
“Er….”
“Don’t worry about me, though. I’m sure this will make Luna get off my back for a good while. She’ll be able to live on this for quite some time.”
“Alex, you… how did I ever end up with such a son.”
“The day you chose to take care of a blue-haired girl who was once a goddess, I suppose.”
“I sure hope I’m not included in that equation, Alex.”
“Of course not, buddy. I love ya, man.”
“That’s… the platonic kind of love between friends, right?”
“Of course, buddy.”
*whew* “Well, I’m relieved. For a moment, I was wondering whether Quark’s pervertedness had rubbed off on you.”
“Ohoho, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.”
“…yes, this is all heartfelt and nice, but… let’s go.”
“But hey… no pressure, ok?”
“Of course not.”
“Oh, sure. I’m just smokin’.”
“WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD SMOKE, YOUNG MAN!”
“Gah! It was just a figure of speech, mom. Figure of speech.”
“…oh, I understand. Now, you shouldn’t scare your mother like that, young man.”
“The feeling’s mutual, mom. Now, I’ll just be changing my Dragonmaster pants before we head out, ok?”
“….wow. That was… scary.”
“Yeah, I’m definitely seeing who raised Luna to become the… uh, ‘lady’ she is today.”
“Sure thing, mom. I’ll just… go now, and refrain from asking why you’re hanging around MY room instead of Luna’s.”
“That’s because I don’t NEED to do anything in Luna’s room, because hers doesn’t look like a pigsty.”
“Mom, we’ve been gone for weeks, even months. My room isn’t THAT messy.”
“I… uh, think we need to go now.”
“I concur.”
“Guuuuys. Help me out here.”
“You are NOT making your friends clean up your room, young man.”
“No, I meant… you know what? You’re right. We need to go right now.”
“It’s just so great to see that conversations within this group continues to not making any damn sense even now. It just warms my heart.”
“At least you don’t have to LIVE with this.”
“Don’t mind if I do, buddy. Then I’ll just sell it all back immediately, thus creating an infinite money loop.”
“Oh, sure, just take advantage of my kindness, ‘buddy’.”
“Like I won’t be taken advantage of in the future? What comes around goes around, buddy.”
“I… uh, don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. It’s not like I plan on letting my customers know that it was my store that helped you bring Ghaleon down or anything.”
“Oh, I’m sure. Now, to grind some more money out of this place….”
“It’s a cruel world, this world of business.”
“Alright, I guess that’s enough fooling around. Time to get serious.”
“Are you sure, Alex? Because I wouldn’t want to ruin your fun by reminding you that we don’t have all day.”
“Nope. There’s nothing that’s going to stand in the way of me and my incredibly demanding girlfriend.”
“…point, I guess.”
“Hey, did any of you hear that?”
“No. What is it?”
“Oh, I just thought I heard something that would make the creator of the ‘villain’s cliché handbook’ weep.”
“I’m sure it was just the voices in your head.”
“You’re probably ri..HEY!”
“Oh great. Now the voices in my head are laughing at me too.”
“So there IS some justice in this world.”
“You people are just such good buddies.”
“Oh, Alex, we just heckle you because we love ya, man.”
“Damn, this thing is huge.”
“You should tell Ghaleon that when you see him. I’m sure he would love to hear that at least once before he dies.”
“Hee hee hee. That was deliciously evil.”
“Well, you gotta admit that this here Grindery is one hell of a construction of compensation.”
“Then again, he did land himself a total babe like Xenobia, and she doesn’t really strike me as the kind to go for… uh, big grinderies, unless we’re talking biological ones.”
“You mean it’s running on biodiesel?”
“Uh, no, I meant… actually, I think it’s best for my health if you don’t figure this one out.”
“God damn, what is it with inventors and having tubes all over the place?”
“I’m sure they consider colonoscopy their mortal enemy.”
“Eugh! Who wouldn’t?”
“Well… these guys?”
“Nall, it was a rethorical question. I didn’t really WANT an answer.”
“Besides, these guys don’t seem to be equipped for performing something like that, unless they WANT it to hurt really, really bad.”
“I wonder if it’ll work with a sword.”
“Whoa, dude. No need to test that theory.”
“Well, isn’t this just a blast. I wonder what could be more fun than walking between pipes.”
“D’oh!”
“Alex, push your own luck if you feel you need to, but don’t drag us into it.”
“Hey, look. It’s our old friends, the caterpillar knights.”
“An easy win? Sure. It’ll still be a longwinded and unnecessarily tiresome one, though.”
“You wanna take over my one task in this game, buddy?”
“Not at all. Just forget I ever said anything.”
“They have… bat wings.”
“Now there’s a reference well ahead of its time… probably.”
“I wonder if their parents were killed by some random criminal, and now they’re taking their revenge on… well, anyone.”
“And THAT’s how Ghaleon enlisted them.”
“…..”
“Naaah. That sounds too dumb.”
“Ok, getting a little tired of this long grind now.”
“Tell me about it. I’d actually kill to having anything exciting happen.”
“I know. You’re labelling everything ‘easy wins’.”
“Well, they ARE.”
“…yeah, you’re right.”
“Oh hey, what’s this?”
“Looks like we’re going to see something new.”
“Woohoo!”
“Nope. Spoke too soon.”
“AAAAARGH!”
“And it’s more pipes too. Nothing but pipes. It’s like the world’s biggest bong.”
“Kyle, you don’t think…”
“Ok, now you’re just getting silly.”
“Just getting?”
“Well… more than usual, that is.”
“….”
“You know what? Never mind. I think my brain will break if I try to figure this one out.”
“I want to go home. This is no fun at all.”
“Now, now, Alex. It’s not nice giving up halfway. I’m sure it’s just a little more to go now.”
“You’re probably right. It’s just… this is definitely the most boring dungeon I have ever conquered. I’m almost longing for the brown caves.”
“Which one?”
“Well… you know… any of them, really. Ghaleon could really do with some lessons in dungeon decor or setting an ominous scene. I’m not feeling accomplished in the least from this trek.”
“Even more sinister, then. I mean… why would a villain want to make you feel like you’re accomplishing something?”
“By putting a… uh, giant fire in our way?”
“Well, that’s something, at least.”
“So… how do we get past this?”
“Did anyone bring any water?”
“Not that I know, no.”
“Well… there’s only one thing you can do, then.”
“Fight them? Nall, are you serious?”
“I sure am.”
“Nall, they’re big… balls. Of fire. Aside from the obvious innuendo striking, I’m not sure where to even begin explaining what’s wrong with this situation. How do you even strike at fire?”
“You’re giving it too much thought, Alex. Just do it.”
“But more astoundingly, it worked. I could SLASH FIRE! THAT MADE NO SENSE!”
“I know. My fire magic even did damage. I’m not sure what to believe in anymore.”
“Who cares? Let’s go.”
“Sometimes, Nall, I envy you for your ability to just throw all logic out the window.”
“What is up with this gargantuan open area? It’s not like the fires we.. just… fought… with our… swords.. and… and… fire magic…”
“Alex, snap out of it. Disconnect your logic circuits, and you’ll be fine.”
“To… to… um, get here could’ve filled this… this large… area….”
“Damn it, Alex, you’re doing it again. Snap out of it!”
“I wanna go hoooooome.”
“And the grown man cries again.”
“I kind of know how he feels.”
“Wait, what? So, to get here, they actually HAD to go through the boiler room? Which, a few seconds ago, were filled with ALL-CONSUMING FIRE?! I… just… want things to… stop not making any sense. Is that too much to ask?”
“Alex, didn’t mom teach you not to do double negatives? And STOP THINKING!”
“Looks like a fight’s about. Maybe that’ll make him stop thinking about it.”
“Wh-what the… THIS is what we’re fighting?”
“I recommend we let Alex take care of these guys on his own. Looks like he could use the chance to vent his frustrations.”
“Seconded.”
“Too frustratingly convoluted, boring and filled with pushovers more like it.”
“Now, now, Alex. Let’s give it another shot.”
“Wh… why?! We get all the way to the top here, and we’re held back by a couple ‘o wimps? I wouldn’t have any problems with them just following us up as we get to the top of this place. It’s not like they pose any particular problem beyond being minor annoyances.”
“There’s that logic rearing its ugly head again. Alex, have you no sense for dramatics?”
“Not at this point, no.”
“I just want this to stooohooohooop.”
“Grown man crying, take three. He’s got a point though, Nall. I mean… why don’t we just move on? We could just slap these dumbasses again when they catch up with us.”
“That’s no fun.”
“You call this fun?”
*sigh* “Maybe I’ll just let these guys stab me.”
“Alex, don’t! You don’t know where that spear’s been. Or where they’re going to put it. Though I do have some idea.”
“This is hell, isn’t it? Because that’s what hell is all about. Repetition!”
“…yeah. Pretty much.”
“Nall, what is it that we need help for? Taking care of these useless goons? Why can’t we just MOVE! ON!”
“Alex, hush! You’re ruining the scene.”
“Or making one.”
“I DON’T CARE! We are so near the end, and the thought of having THIS hold us back is… just ridiculous.”
“GAH! Where did you come from.”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care, but I DO know that I could kiss the both of you now.”
“Um…. ok? Did… something happen that I should know about?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just Nall doing his best to see me unravel at the seams.”
“I was doing no such thing.”
“Well, then… you just go ahead. And, uh… don’t worry about the kiss. I’ll manage without, I’m sure.”
“I love you guys, I really do.”
“That’s… nice. I find your sudden interest in us rather unsettling, but don’t worry about it. You just go ahead now.”
“Don’t mind if I do. Come on, guys.”
“Look out. Dancing fool coming through.”
“I know you love us and all, but jeez… Fresca was right; you’re acting like a real creepazoid here.”
“Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES! Walking these stairs is going to feel better than… um… never mind.”
“…”
“Oh yeah! Top ‘o the freaking world, baby!”
“Alex is being a little TOO happy about this.”
“That’s YOUR fault.”
“No, it’s not! Well… maybe a little, but still…”
“Wait, is that…”
“It’s a fairy.”
“Wow, I didn’t know something like that even existed. It’s not like we’ve actually MET any during our travels.”
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m as puzzled as you are.”
“This must make Ghaleon one of the first evil mastermind hippies.”
“Yeah, he seems to want to take over the world so that he can make it even greener? Or something?”
“Not thinking about it. I don’t… want to walk down that road of things not making any sense again.”
“From the looks of things, he’d still pick flowers for you, though.”
“From the looks of things, he’s also been watching Ferngully, the last Rainforest.”
“But if he did that, why did he build a huge contraption of death and destruction? That… doesn’t make… any… SENSE!”
“Damn it! Here he goes again. Kyle, I’m sending YOU the therapy bills.”
“Hey, YOU were the one playing mind games on him. What does this have to do with me.”
“I’m doing this for fun. You’re just being thoughtless.”
“Yeah, I bet you’re just giggling in your little kitty beard right now.”
“Does that mean she’s giving you wedgies? I can see how THAT would chafe.”
“…!”
“Wow, I never thought in a million years that something like that would come out of your mouth.”
“And yet, you’re not wearing that half-crazed expression on your face. I’m not sure what to think about THAT.”
“Maybe they just met over the villain hotline, and then they got together to practice their villainous cackling.”
“Or maybe it’s because Xenobia has an eyecatching cleavage.”
“Yeah, I’d say it’s her ‘tracts of land’ that is keeping his attention in her general direction.”
After conquering the Grindery’s inner workings, our heroes are near the end of their journey for justice and truth. Despite the surprise waiting for them at the top of the huge machine, they soldier on. A large battle looms before them all, and the heroes wonder if they’re prepared for what waits ahead.
“Yes, we know, but… who are you?”
“Um, Alex, I don’t think that’s important to know.”