Chapter 18: I like swords.
“Nall, this is no time to be sarcastic.”
“There’s always time to be sarcastic. ESPECIALLY when it comes to blatantly obvious plot twists. In fact, the lack of sarcasm at obvious plot twists should be punishable by having to listen to drunken idiots yelling ‘I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH’ until your ears melt straight into your heads.”
“I’ll… keep that in mind. Crazy kids.”
“I’m not crazy. I’m just pixelated that way.”
“You sealed him away? How does that even work?”
“Well, first, you…”
“Besides, how would sealing up one dragon influence your Dragonmaster abilities when there’s still three more dragons left? Also, it’s not like the Black Dragon was dead. Just sealed away.”
“About that… you see…”
“Besides, now that the White, Blue and Red dragons are dead, wouldn’t that imply that Alex couldn’t even become a Dragonmaster?”
“You guys are giving this too much thought. Just… just believe in yourselves, dammit!”
“Yeah, like that’s ever going to give anyone their powers back when the source is gone.”
Can that actually happen? Let’s look to the future…
“Guys, I bet if we just scream as loud as we can, our magic will return. Let’s try it, everyone.”
“Uh… are you sure about that?”
“Yeah. Not to rain on your parade or anything, Hiro, but I don’t really want to be remembered as the premier who died in her own home yelling like a complete doofus.”
“Just shut up and try. You’ll never know unless you do.”
“See? What did I tell you?”
“Sorry, Hiro, but I can’t hear you over the sound of my own desire to just die on the spot.”
“I will never survive the embarrassment of this. I doubt even Mystere would in my place.”
Hoo boy, let’s just return to the past…
“Does ‘women, wine and song’ fit into your little picture by any chance?”
“Ho ho ho, well, what can I say?”
“Well, you could answer me my questions two. One, what are you smoking? And two, where can I get some?”
“You’re not crossing a bridge here, you dumb kid. But you DEFINITELY crossed the line.”
“No, we’re just waiting for the aircraft to finish. THEN we’ll be crossing into a whole new threshold of danger.”
“You insinuating something there, Dragonboy?”
“That you’re going to get this airship smashed too? Noooooo.”
“We’ll be fine, just you wait and see.”
“Maybe I should have asked him to build it with an autopilot.”
“Oh great, NOW he tells us.”
“That’s for sure. He did kind of give off the ‘ominous madman’ vibes right from the start.”
“Don’t forget that you’re talking about my old friend here.”
“Oh, we KNOW. He did take your ‘death’ pretty hard, after all. In fact, Lunar is about to find out just how hard he took it.”
“And on that topic, is there any reason why you couldn’t… oh, let him know you SURVIVED?! You’re not looking like you’re fresh off rehab or anything, so I’m pretty sure it would be a good idea to let him know before he went on a world-conquering rampage here.”
“Well, it was… uh, kind of unexpected.”
*sigh* “Yeah, yeah. Everything from my ambitious and demanding girlfriend, who might very well be this goddess everyone is talking about. It’s going to be the case, just you wait and see.”
*cough*
“You should go and get that looked at, mr. Dyne.”
“Yes, yes. And you guys should go pick up that airship now. The title of Dragonmaster waits for no man.”
“Actually, I’d say it does. In fact, that’s all it CAN do.”
“Kids today. So incredibly pedantic.”
“And lovin’ it.”
“Oh, we sure did. We even came to a few understandings, mostly regarding my abilities to drive.”
“What are you talking about? You barely said anything, and your abilities to drive should ALWAYS fall under questioning.”
“Is there anything I should know about the people whose hands I will be leaving another engineering masterpiece?”
“Oh, nothing much. Say, does that thing have an autopilot?”
“Well, no. What’s an autopilot, and why would you need one?”
“I do NOT need an autopilot and I will NOT be crashing this one, ok?”
“…crashing?”
“Yeah, about that. See, your apprentice kind of made another airship, and Jessica kind of broke it.”
“And by ‘broke it’, we mean ‘dropped it like a sack of bricks and vomit’.”
“The ‘vomit’ part was an addition by us, by the way, during the whole landing process.”
“You… you… and I am supposed to give you MY ship?”
“Yup. Peachy, ain’t it?”
“No world is worth this.”
“Well, let’s see if my claws up where the sun doesn’t shine can do something about that pessimistic attitude.”
“Yikes! Um….”
“Jess, do you have a thing for threatening people out of their modes of transportations? First the guy in Lann and now this.”
“Well, it worked, so who cares?”
“We will, I presume. Fairly shortly.”
“I would normally say ‘I’ll wait here’, but with all this methane in the air, I think I’d rather take my chances with the balloon.”
“Your funeral, pal.”
“I said WE’LL BE FINE!”
“So, they can blast Vane straight out of the air with a colossal magic beam, but they can’t find an efficient way for the thing to move without interruptions? Well, pardon ME if that doesn’t make a lick of sense.”
“Or enough of them to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.”
“Yes, at lea..HEY! Don’t derail this topic with conversations about candy.”
“Why not?”
“Because… I’m hungry.”
“…and thirsty.”
“No time for that now. We’ve got… uh, dying to do.”
“Are you insinuating something?”
“No, I’m flat out saying that you’ll probably get us all killed horribly.”
“Don’t you DARE crash my Hindenburg, ya hear?”
“Tell that to… to… what did you name it?”
“The Hindenburg. It sounded like a kingly name.”
“It sounds like a bad omen, that’s what it does.”
“I… uh, think I have a dentist appointment that I almost forgot about. I was supposed to have holes drilled through all my teeth, so… you’ll have to excuse me.”
“Oh, sure, take the easy option.”
“Heeeey.”
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. I get to fly an aircraft again.”
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy, we get to almost die horribly again.”
“‘Almost’?”
“Yes, or do you mean to challenge that statement?”
“If you keep on questioning my piloting abilities, I most certainly will.”
“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, huh?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Oh great. That’s just what I need. A harem.”
“Um… I don’t think she means to… well…”
“Hey, I’d bury my face in that cleavage any day.”
“You have a ‘goddess tower’? Uh… is there some secret about yourself that you haven’t told us about?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, see… sometimes, someone who looks like a woman really isn’t. And… uh…”
“You… you… I know I was going to kill you anyway, but I’ll be sure to make it extra painful, you perverted little toad.”
“Hey, Dyne. Did you come to take a gander at her ‘Goddess tower’ as well?”
“Er… what?”
“Well, she just said that…”
“Oh, shut up, the both of you. I didn’t come all this way to have you guess at my gender. It should have been blindingly obvious from the start.”
“All I need is love, huh?”
“Well, I was thinking more in lines of a sword, but… yeah, love works too, I guess… if you’re BARNEY!”
“I KNEW it!”
“He was referring to my acts of villainy, you morons. I am a woman!”
“And I am a MAYUN!”
“Ghaleon is a man. Hell, Dyne might be considered a man. But YOU… are a confused little boy under the heel of your little girlie.”
“Heh. She sure got YOU pegged, eh, Alex?”
“I think she’s on to me.”
“GAH! Aim your sight higher, you Dragonmaster has-been.”
“Yes, that’s right, Dyne. Make the same mistake as so many men before you.”
“Thank you. The word ‘awesome’ is really underappreciated as a superlative in today’s world. It really should be used more often.”
“Sarcasm, I hope?”
“Nonono.”
And in another universe…
“So, not only did you rescue the kingdom, but also… well, me. How did you do it?”
“Well, seeing as I had AWESOME weapons, it was inevitable.”
“My hero!”
Uh… yeah, let’s just… return to where we were…
“Now that he’s all stiff…”
“Hurhur.”
“…I’m going to… to… wait, did you just turn my line into another double-entendre?”
“Well, you were asking for it.”
“Well… ok, I’ll grant you that. Let it ease your passing into the afterlife.”
“All that boobage and so generous too. I can understand why you’re master Ghaleon’s favorite.”
“Uh… did you forget something?”
“Like putting on a bra? Jumping around like you do sure is impressive when you’re not wearing one, though.”
“Normally I’d punch them for saying something like that, but they’ve got a point, you know.”
“What are you talking about? I never wear a bra. But that’s not it.”
“Uh….”
“What magic? You ALREADY turned him to stone.”
“How the hell should I know? I’m just standing here.”
“You sure are. Could you perhaps at least jump a little?”
“Wh… what are you… you lecher!”
“Damn straight!”
*sigh* “And he’s proud of it too.”
“But… but… I don’t want to… bouhouhouhou.”
“Oh, control yourselves, gentlemen. The sight of a grown man crying is just pitiful.”
“But… but… we don’t wanna die.” *sob*
“You know, I’d normally take a girl’s side in an argument, but this…”
“Argh! If Dyne wasn’t fighting my totally awesome powers here while completely stoned, I’d really follow you into the airship. I really would.”
“I KNEW it!”
“Knew what?”
“She’s just leaving killing us up to you.”
“H-hey, you… bastards.”
“Hey, this is a breeze. This ship might be a whole lot larger, but it sure is easier to control.”
“Can… can I open my eyes now?”
“Oh, go on, you pansy. Take a look at my awesome driving skills.”
“I… don’t want to push my luck here.”
“There’s our destination. We’re practically there. What could go wrong now?”
“GAH! You just HAD to go say that. Now we really ARE doomed.”
“Oh, pfft. Say, what does this lever do?”
“OH GOD SOMEONE STOP HER BEFORE…!”
“AAAAARGH!”
“What?! What did I do?”
“Look out! We’re crashing.”
“Again!”
“Oh, shut u..whoa!”
“Well, it’s not looking good, since we had to literally crawl out of it.”
“Oh, come on. It wasn’t THAT bad, was it? Let’s just take a look at it.”
“Well?”
“It’s screwed.”
“Oh, come on. We can do something about this, right?”
“At this point, it can only make for a good bonfire. Don’t get your hopes up for anything else.”
“Don’t be such a pessimist. You’re not going to become a Dragonmaster like that.”
“Jessica, I love you like a dear friend, but that ship is completely busted up beyond all repair, and it’s all your fault. Again.”
“Et tu, Brutus.”
“You know, you have a fabulous ability to deny all responsibility. You have a great future as a politician or a corporate head in front of you.”
“Nall, we kind of established that fact already.”
“I know. I just wanted to make it absolutely clear here.”
“Jerks!”
“It… it wasn’t MY fault.”
“YES, IT WAS!”
“Meanies.”
“Oh well, let’s just get this over with.”
“These halls aren’t brown at least.”
“Hooray for that.”
“Or the color of vomit.”
*urp* “At least not yet.”
“Will you stop whining about that? I SAID I was sorry, ok?”
“Uh…”
“Who is Mynos?”
“And why is his head floating around in Althena’s tower?”
“Maybe Althena is the sister of the Queen of Hearts, exiled from Wonderland due to excessive cruelty.”
“That would explain a few things.”
“I’ll… uh, take your word for it.”
“And we’ve got stairs. We’ll be on top of this case in no time.”
“Amongst other things.”
“Did we just raid a Wicca party or something?”
“These people do NOT know how to set up candle properly, let me tell you.”
“By all means. We’ll… just be over there in the mean time.”
“Or, even better, let’s find the ones who set up all this, so you can give THEM a piece of your stare while we do the business we came all the way up here for.”
*sigh* “Fine!”
“Hey, look over there. It’s a picture of someone. Most likely the goddess Althena.”
“And I’m sure we are in for a HUGE surprise here.”
“Holy mother of all pinups. Luna could’ve looked THIS hot? She’s been holding out on me.”
“Oh, like THAT isn’t a double-entendre.”
“Well, not really, but now that you mentioned it… HURHUR!”
“Hot damn, she even looks gorgeous when smiling.”
“Her eyes are still the same, though. They’ve got that ‘you lowly worms’ quality to them that strikes such a strong feeling of resemblance, even if it’s more like ‘you’ll do what I say, right?’ now.”
“I hope she never learns to summon that ominous light of destruction, though.”
“Er… yes, Nall, we just finished saying that. And this time, there’s noone around that needs the point driven home.”
“Er… oops. Sorry, Alex, it was just a force of habit.”
“It’s ok.”
“Hey, look. It’s the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster.”
“THERE IS NO FLUFFY, ONLY ZUUL!”
“They look a little eager to see you, though. I bet there hasn’t been anyone up here since… well, a long, long time.”
“Just think of the hazing rites you probably have to perform.”
“Guys, seriously… stop creeping me out. I’m apprehensive enough over this as it is.”
“Uh… no, I just found you guys, so… not anymore.”
“Well, if you mean ‘to get out of here in one piece’, then yes.”
“Afraid so. I mean… not that I mind saving the world, given my options between that and dying, but… yeah.”
“Do you have a favorite color?”
“Huh? Um… yes?”
“What is your favorite episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion?”
“I’m not sure I like where this is going.”
“What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Swallow.”
“Right, I think we’ll just stop the silliness right here and now.”
“YOu’re no fun.”
“So they keep telling me.”
“That’s more like it. And… uh, this is going to devolve into a fight, isn’t it? Because heaven knows I can’t let more than ten minutes pass in this game with us all getting into a scuffle.”
“Nonono, you won’t all have to fight.”
“Really? Well, good.”
“You have to fight us all alone.”
“That’s… not quite so good.”
“Now give us your best shot, ya pansy.”
“You asked for it.”
“EAT BROWN DRAGON RAGE, FOOLS!”
“Are… are you flinging poop at us?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out in a couple of seconds.”
“The next in line for the esteemed line of Dragonmasterhood is a poop-flinging monkey. They don’t make ’em like they used to, that’s for sure.”
“Had enough yet? Because there’s more where that came from. I had some ex-lax before going up here.”
“Eugh, no. Enough! You win. Just… just… stop!”
“If I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I’d never believe it.”
“You think you’ve gotten to know someone, and they start throwing the proverbial crap around.”
“And the literal as well.”
“If only I had a ‘blind’ spell, I’d use it on myself.”
“Nall, you… you’re seriously asking that? For real?”
“Well… yeah.”
“I guess you’re not on top of all things.”
“Alex, this is not the time for double-entendres.”
“I didn’t mean to… ergh, what I meant to say is…”
“Yes, that. Also, weren’t you going to give me a sword? Time’s awasting here.”
*sigh* “Alright, the impatient, poopie-flinging one. Your destiny awaits and all that crap. Come and take it, sonny boy.”
“Don’t you start too. I got enough of that from Quark.”
“Ka-ching! I hit the jackpot!”
“Not to bring anyone down here, but… we might be doomed.”
“Tell us about it.”
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?”
“Wha… wait just one second.”
“Who just became Dragonmaster here? Eh? Eh? Who is YOUR DADDY!”
“Like I just said…”
“They’re both idiots.”
“And this was new…. when, exactly?”
“Whoa, ka-ching, ka-CHING! Double whammy obtained.”
“And the images of little pieces of silver danced in his eyes…”
“Well, I guess we got what we crashed another airship for, so let’s go. We got a Grindery to conquer.”
“Wait! Just one more thing before we leave.”
“Geh! This better be good.”
At the doorstep of destiny, Alex looks back and wonders what kind of wisdom the angels, older than time, would impart on the departing party. (Try saying that five times really fast.) Which nuggets would they give our heroes, that would aid them in the trials to come? As they turn their sights back to the two Dragon Angels, they prepare themselves to get their minds blown…
“Yes, we know. And?”
“Um… that’s all.”
“What? That’s all? I mean… did you seriously expect us not to have that figured out already? Like… a long time ago when they started hinting that singers were kidnapped on suspicion of being goddesses? I mean… Luna has been babbling about strange dreams, never mind that her songs have magical abilities, which hasn’t been the case with ANY OTHER SINGER WE’VE EVER MET, and AGAIN never mind that you’ve got a huge wallscroll of her, whose likeness a scarf and a really modest dress couldn’t hide in a thousand years. You… you… how goddamned stupid do you think we are?”
“You just won a fight by flinging excrements at us. Do you really want us to answer that?”
“You know what? No, I don’t. In fact, that was just a rethorical question. Actually, make that the rhetoricallest rhetorical question that has ever been rhetoricalled.”
“You DO know that ‘rhetoricallest’ and ‘rhetoricalled’ aren’t real words, right?”
“I DON’T CARE! STOP TALKING!”
“Fine. Just… go, so we can go take a shower. This smell might never go away, but I’ll be damned if I’m not at least going to try.”