Chapter 17: Taking the monument of manhood on the road.
“Yeah, that sou..HEY!”
“How does that even begin to make sense? Are you wearing skyflaps?”
“Cubicles, the future of industrial efficiency.”
“This place is as full of slaves as the mine, but noone seems to care about that.”
“Eh, these people aren’t from Burg.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, our future Dragonmaster.”
“It’s very… open.”
“Do we have to go all the way around the room just to ascend those stairs? Talk about poor design.”
“And the decor leaves something to be desired.”
“I wonder if villains have ever — or will ever — learn to decorate their lairs properly.”
*will they know? let’s go into the future…*
“And here I expected a dark, dank lair filled with all kinds of festering, oily evil. Color me corrected.”
“No kidding. This is one swanky, bright lair.”
“I wonder what our evil, all-conquering villain looks like.”
“Figures!”
“What?!”
*aaaand back to the past….*
“Eh, I guess we’ll never know.”
“Besides, we’ve got some stairs to climb, so get to it.”
“Oh, for the love of….”
“Straight paths, still just a dream for the Lunarian people.”
“These people are evil, alright.”
“If only it was the Black Knight.”
“He goes so well with the birdbrains.”
“It’s all about the fleshwounds.”
“Is that it, Ghaleon? Is this the most ridiculous your minions can get?”
“Hey, it’s our old friend, sawblade tank.”
“One day, I’m going to learn to keep my mouth shut.”
“That’ll be the day.”
“The… the sawblade thing I can understand… barely… but that other tank? Do I see an axe mounted on it?”
“That has got to be the most inconvenient, ridiculous design decision I have ever seen.”
“How is that thing even supposed to be dangerous? It’s not particularly fast or anything.”
“It’s probably designed with the absurdly stupid in mind.”
“It’s the Darwinator.”
“Say hello to the wall.”
“I think I hear mumbling.”
“I wonder if we’ll find the evil mastermind up here.”
“That’d be the day.”
“D’oh!”
“Who are you to disturb my evil, evil plans?”
“You mean Luna didn’t tell you? I think that’s got to be the first time she’s shut up about anything.”
“Who’s Luna?”
“Oh, she’s this girl who…”
“What’s a girl?”
“…keeps telling me to… to… wait, what?”
“I asked you what a girl is?”
“Uh….”
“You’ve never seen girls before? We’ve got two with us right now.”
“What? You mean those two with the protrusions growing out of their chests?”
“…you know what? Never mind. Just… never mind.”
“Actually, we came looking for Luna, but that’ll do.”
“Who’s Luna?”
“Ok, we’re not doing this again, so how about this? You tell us where we can find Ghaleon, and we’ll leave.”
“Ah, now you’re talking my lang..wait, what? Leave?”
“Caterpillar tracks: because legs are so 20’s.”
“And they have swords. Which strikes me as only somewhat more useful than the single mounted axe.”
“And only due to the fact that they carry two each.”
“Twin wielding? That’s just awesome.”
“All that and a mohawk too.”
“Oh, like I haven’t heard that before.”
“Could you please add ‘This cannot be!’ as well? Just for fun?”
“You two are a regular bunch of comedians, aren’t you?”
“Tell us about it!”
“Doomed to always be a minute late.”
“It’s the hero’s curse. I’m sure that happens to everyone.”
“And isn’t that making me feel all better.”
“What the hell is a Grindery? What does that even mean?”
“Wouldn’t YOU like to know, you… you… girl!”
“Yeees. That’s why I asked, you stupid….”
“Alright, Jessica, we don’t have time for this. We should leave now. I mean… we promised, right?”
“You mean we’re just going to leave him here?”
“Yes.”
“Alive?”
“Yes.”
“Didn’t… didn’t he, I dunno… ENSLAVE YOUR WHOLE HOME TOWN or something? I mean, he left none, not even children, there. Just drug them all to the mines to work.”
“I know, Jessica. But we’re kind of short on time.”
“It’d just take a second to stab him, though.”
“Tempting, but… no. We leave now!”
“Ok, fine!”
“So they spent all this material and manpower on something short term? Typical villain behavior if you ask me.”
“I guess they aren’t planning on taking over the world for long.”
“It’s the three day rule of an iron fist.”
“Is that why you prepared a road for it too? You didn’t have to demolish the whole town just for that, though.”
“Something doesn’t feel right about this.”
“It did? Oh dear, I don’t think I like where this is going.”
“Yeah! Now they built that road for nothing.”
“Um… that’s not… oh, never mind. We should check if the people from Burg are alright.”
“Yes, I’m sure they’re all relieved that they were let go so they could be counquered at their own homes instead. Nothing quite like being attacked in familiar surroundings to keep your spirits up.”
“Why do you have to be such a partypooper, partypooper?”
“I smell a reference.”
“If Ghaleon suddenly reveals himself to be my real father, I’m going to lop my own head off.”
“Now, why would he do that?”
“I dunno. It’s just a feeling I got.”
“I think you got your wires crossed, Dragonboy.”
“Ok, what the HELL is that?”
“It’s….”
“…very big.”
“Now there’s an understatement.”
“It’s also very… steamy.”
“What’s that on the top?”
“If you thought building castles on top of mountains was inconvenient, here’s something for you.”
“It’s a castle on a moving mountain of iron and steel.”
“If you act now, we’ll even throw in a tank full of gas.”
“Oh great, now Kyle has caught the ‘retarded comedy’ bug that seems to be making the rounds.”
“Yeah! Good thing we’re vaccinated against that sort of thing.”
“I wonder what’s going on up there.”
“The laser is ready to fire, master Ghaleon.”
“Alright. Time to show Lunar who’s her daddy.”
“….”
“We’re in trouble.”
“I think I just crapped MY pants for a change. It’s a new sensation I don’t think I like very much.”
“I’m not sure what to think right now.”
“I’ll say!”
“And it’s a big one too.”
“If you guys start a compensation joke comedy routine, I’m going to kill all three of you.”
“Save your energy for when we have to… uh, mount that thing.”
“And that is going to hurt.”
“I’d make some ‘back door’ jokes here, but I don’t want to push my luck.”
“So there are still miracles in this world.”
“Why are we going all the way around it?”
“There’s gotta be a door SOMEWHERE.”
“Don’t you think that door will be heavily guarded?”
“Well, it can’t be helped. Or did YOU bring the grappling hooks?”
“Um… well, no.”
“There we go, then.”
“GLACK! That’s j-j-j-j-just cheating.”
“What’s wrong, AleGURK!”
“BLAARGH!”
“Owwwwwie!”
“I do believe that hurt, and now I will pass out.”
“…..”
“…..”
“You know, maybe that shield was a little bit overkill. These idiots wouldn’t be able to hold a sword the right way, much less find their way up my magnificently phallic tank.”
“Luna, I… I…”
“Aaaalex. Aaaaleeeex. You are such a looooooser.”
“Gnnnh! No, Luna. I was really trying, I swear!”
“There is no ‘try’, Alex. There is always failing miserably. So… GET BACK ON YOUR FEET NOW!”
“No, Luna… I… I swear I’ll take this a little more seriously.”
“Uh… well, he’s awake but not QUITE awake.”
“Stop staring at me like that, Luna. I said I’ll do it.”
“Ok, Alex, here’s the deal. Snap out of it, or SLAP out of it. Choose now.”
“No slapping, Luna. You… you always resort to violence like this.”
“Well, Alex? This is going to hurt you much more than me.”
“Ow, yeah. And when I wake back up, my cheeks hurt like hell. I don’t remember falling on my face when the force field hit us, though.”
*cough*
“But…. we were all the way into the frontier. How did we end up here?”
“I guess the thieves guild’s fingers reach very, very far.”
“There are so many jokes I could have made with that line, but I’m hurting too much right now.”
“You mean they couldn’t find this place easily? As tough as that lady is, I doubt she could stop the whole armies of the Vile Tribe THAT easily.”
“Hey, we’re safe, and that’s all that matters right now.”
“Oh, sure. If we plan on living our lives down here.”
“Well, yeah. There is that.”
“Well, let’s go up and find the others.”
“H-hey, now that was just uncalled for. I just didn’t have the time to get all the Dragonmaster equipment just yet.”
“By the way, weren’t we supposed to head upstairs?”
“Um… in a second, Nall. Just a few seconds.”
*sigh* “Here we go…”
“…..”
“…..”
“Upstairs it is.”
“So you’ve been lying around here for seven days too?”
“Yeah. I… I should never have seen that movie.”
“What movie? You were probably unconscious like Alex here.”
“I d-don’t think I n-n-needed to hear t-t-that.”
“Jessica I could understand, but I’m actually kind of surprised you aren’t already up, out and about.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, I have to agree. I mean… I’ve rarely met anyone who so completely differs from the image the people around them set for you.”
“You jerks. I swear I’m going to kick your asses as soon as I can feel my legs again.”
“T-that was p-probably mother’s d-d-doing. Or, should I say, Xenobia AS my mother. I g-guess she wanted t-t-them to… well… not l-l-look for me wh-w-when things started going wrong.”
“That makes sense. Anyway, where are Kyle and Nash?”
“I d-d-don’t know. T-try upstairs.”
“And onwards to more stairs we go.”
“Game over, man! Game over!”
“Oh, whatever shall we deeeeuuu!”
“Oh, snap out of it, you wussie. What would Ghaleon say if he heard this?”
“Whoa, Alex. Bad choice of words.”
“And there he goes. Good job, Alex.”
“Hey, that was NOT my fault. I’m at least willing to still fight, see?”
“Anyway…”
“And by the way, we totally don’t want to ‘see your goods’.”
“Aaaaleeex. There is a time and place for bad innuendo, but NOW IS NOT IT!”
“Must… restrain… from… taking… advantage… of… opportunity.”
“See? Even in the face of… uh… a really easy opportunity, Alex is willing to fight. And who are you calling a freak show, you pompous jerk? I’ll give you a combover you won’t soon forget.”
“Oh god, even Kyle.”
“Well, at least he can blame it on the alcohol.”
“Which he’s obviously had a lot of by now. Py-uew.”
“Yeah, I thought you were too much of a wuss to do it, but I brought you along anyway for a laugh.”
“See? That’s just what I’m saying…”
“….”
“Wow, did macho baiting just fail to work?”
“And on the least likely person to take said bait too.”
“Yes, I agree. Let’s not throw bestiality into the mix as well.”
“Ewww. Alex, that’s… you shut up now.”
“Anyway, it pains me to say this, but I think we need the girls to come beat some sense into these guys.”
“And why would that pain you?”
“Because, well… I don’t REALLY want to subject them to what is practically the story of my life, but…”
“….right. Yeah, sorry.”
“He what?”
“That guy is stalking us, Alex. There’s just no other explanation.”
“Well, isn’t your speech all steady and strong now, Jess.”
“That’s just because I’m so teeth-grindingly angry. Take me up there right now!”
“Just a sec. We need Mia for this too.”
“What? You mean that Nash is being a whiner about this too?”
“Well… yeah, and a much bigger one than normal. That’s why we need to bring Mia too…”
“…who is already on her feet. In the bed, even.”
“Indeed. Now, I just need to get down to the floor, so… MOVE!”
“Yikes, ok, ok!”
“Having a whiny boyfriend can be quite the motivator, or so it seems.”
“That was… surprisingly gentle. Not quite what I expected.”
“You and me both. I was expecting AT LEAST a jucidious use of the evil glare, maybe even some applied violence.”
“And yet, it worked. Color me surprised.”
“I think Luna could learn something from her.”
“Ok, you can stop talking now.”
“Man, everything just have to be a grand speech with you.”
“Hey, that was uncalled for. It’s not like I turned to alcohol as a crutch here, so give me a break.”
“Oh yeah? If you really loved me, you’d stop with the horrible jokes and the comedy routines.”
“No can do. We don’t love you THAT much.”
“This is more like it, though.”
“Except… not really. These insults lack a certain bite.”
*CHOMP*
“OOOOOW!”
“Uh… until now.”
“Did she just…? Literally?”
“Didn’t you hear me? I helped you GET THIS FAR!”
“No, I meant you make me SICK! Like… literally. Man, I regret biting your arm. When did you last SHOWER, you unsanitary wiener?”
“Um…”
“Anyway, before I throw up… *urp* …I’ll say this: You! Are! Going! To! Help! Us! Defeat! Ghaleon! No ifs or buts about it. No argument, no excuses. I expect you to come with us and kick ass.”
“Ok, ok.”
“…..”
“How does she DO that?”
“Or a bar of soap, for that matter.”
“It’s a wonder he isn’t forced to do his drinking outside… of the town.”
“This being a town of thieves, no less.”
“Ok, now you’re just hurting my feelings.”
“I’m beginning to think Kyle is actually the sweet and gentle one here.”
“Except he’s coming on to girls like there’s no tomorrow.”
“I am a man of many talents.”
“Except in this universe, ‘complete lack of shame’ does not count as a ‘talent’. Just sayin’.”
“Hee hee.”
“Yeah, we just about scrounged up the rest of it.”
“With some help from the ladies.”
“Actually, make that most help from the girls.”
“…actually, make that ‘they did all the work’.”
“So anyway, what’s up?”
“Um… I just asked you that. Are you ready to kick some ass?”
*gasp*
“Do you mean….”
“Yeah. It’s kind of hard for me to say this, but…”
“The airship is finished?”
*facefaults*
And at that moment, the big reveal was revealed. The cards were laid on the table. The hand was played. And with all this crucial information out in the open, how would our group react? Surprise? Awe? Worship? Anything will be possible from this point forth.
“Yeah, we knew.”
“What?!”
“You expected us to be surprised?”
“Well… yeah. It’s not like I told you until now.”
“But it’s not like we were lacking for hints either. I mean…”
“Every time since we met you, you’ve been showing up here and there, providing very specific hints about what to do to find the Dragon equipment.”
“And even DAMON, who is the supposed keeper of knowledge, didn’t really tell us much about how to go about that.”
“Much less the rest of this world, where everything related to dragons and dragonmasters that’s been chronicled are stories about the past, with NO WORDS on how to go about becoming one yourself.”
“You know, aside from vague clues from other people.”
“And that’s not even going into the stalking issues here.”
“You… you… I swear, kids today…”