Chapter 16: I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
“That’s good, but let me make this one thing VERY clear: if he starts talking about my manhood or my green eyes, I’m outta here!”
“It’s all just about you, isn’t it?”
“Well, yes! I mean… wait, what?”
“Don’t worry too much about it, Alex. Maybe he’ll talk about your cute butt instead.”
“Normally, I might have appreciated a compliment like that, but I think my brain just hemorrhaged.”
“Instead of your..”
“OH GOD STOP KYLE FROM FINISHING THAT JOKE RIGHT NOW!”
“And there it went. DUUUURH!”
“I don’t know about you, but the only thing I really noticed was a huge asscrack of a pit near the borders to the frontier. The rest of Lunar looks just fine. Hardly what I’d call ‘teetering on the brink of collapse’.”
“So people keep telling me. And all this got started because my girlfriend wants to BRAG.”
“And it’s working. You do realize, Alex, that as soon all this is over, she might never shut up, right?”
“Yes, I do. Whyyyhyyhyyyyyy?!”
“I knew it! I am SO outta here.”
“No, I meant that I was going to… to… oh, fine! I’ll play your little game.”
“Like the good little boy you are.”
“Don’t push your luck.”
“So, first you’re telling me to go down there, and now you’re telling me not to? Is this the kind of indecisiveness that made the Black Dragon go crazy?”
“They’re probably just covering themselves by saying this now, in case things go bad down there. Then they could just go ‘Well, I TOLD him not to go there, but did he listen? Nooooo…’ See what I mean?”
“Need and responsibility rarely mix. One way or the other, they usually lead to death or lawsuits.”
“And you know all about that, don’t you?”
“Sure do. Now, ask me again why I don’t like lawyers.”
“You know, aside from the color sceme, the dragon caves are kind of samey too.”
“Stop complaining. At least you’ll get to MEET the Black Dragon this time. I mean… yeah, he’s crazy and probably dead, but you can’t win it all every single time, right?”
“When did I ever ‘win it all’?”
“Well, uh… see, there was this one time when… um… yeah, never mind.”
“Wow, I seriously want to meet this Luna. I can learn a few things from her.”
“I’m not sure I like where this conversation is going.”
“And you shouldn’t. I dread to think about what kind of ambition Mia will bring to the table.”
“That’s…. bad.”
“She’s pretty, though, ain’t she?”
“That’s certainly true. Hmmm.”
“Nall, my friend… you are evil.”
“I know. It’s a gift.”
“I do believe we’re surrounded.”
“Well, almost.”
“And despite this, somehow, I don’t feel like being in any actual peril.”
“Yeah. I mean… in the last cavern, we faced big, ram-like demons with elder god-like visages.”
“So, tiny frogmen with pikes isn’t an upgrade?”
“Well… NO?!”
“Uh… what?”
“What does this ring even do?”
“Oh, it just casts cascade on your party?”
“Well, that sounds freaking useless.”
“It is… unless you like, oh… HITTING HARD and stuff.”
“H-hey, that’s… pretty awesome!”
“Er… boy, is my face red.”
“Whaaaat? I’m enjoying my new ring here.”
“Ack! I’ll… I’ll be ready for battle once I’ve changed my pants.”
“What is that glowing orb inside its ribcage there? Fascinating.”
“Nash, dude… it’s got huge teeth and fangs and it’s just… freaking huge. This doesn’t concern you?”
“Yeah, but… just look at that thing? It’s glowing. It’s pulsating like it’s emulating a heartbeat. That just fascinating.”
“Dude, you got some pretty weird priority issues.”
“Whatever! As long as I can have that thing for later study, I’m fine.”
“Yes, let’s just desecrate its remains. I’m sure THAT’S not why it’s up and about now, ready to eat us all alive.”
“It’s just bones, Alex. It can’t eat us on grounds of lacking intestines.”
“STOP TAKING EVERYTHING I SAY LITERALLY!”
“HAVE AT YOU, BONY TOES!”
“I guess this is going to take a while.”
*many, many hours later*
“Well, that was… not fun.”
“I beg to differ MOUHAHAHAHAHA!”
“I beg to differ. If he had followed us all the time, he would probably have sheared his head off by now from all the lame comedy acts.”
“Are you insinuating something? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“….”
“Yeah, you’re heavy on denial, that’s for sure.”
“Denial, the drug that keeps on giving.”
“I’ll… just be going now. I can gloat at my own lair, so don’t worry about me.”
“Aw, come on.”
“Well, looks like we have another ‘behind the scenes’ look at our newest loot.”
“I prefer the ‘hands-on approach’ myself.”
“So do I… HURHUR!”
“….”
“And you put up with this how?”
“By taking long breaks from seeing him.”
“Well… don’t think too hard about what he’s doing while you are away, then.”
“I won’t.”
“It’s an armor piece? Why does it look like it’s made of fur?”
“It’s made of dragon parts, right? When you look at it that way, it makes sense.”
“I’m sure it smells bad when wet too.”
“Insinuating something, Kyle?”
“Oh, nothing. We’re done with the blue dragon’s cave, so I’m not too concerned.”
“The ‘exit, stage left’ spell takes us out to THIS place? What use is that?”
“Oh, stop complaining and whip out those dragon wings. What do you think they’re for?”
“Looking pretty spiffy on my armor?”
“Yyyyeah. Try again.”
“Well, good for you. I hope you brought the children out of the mine at the very least.”
“Well… no, not quite.”
“What?! You just left them in there?”
“Well, I took their shackles off. They all have legs, don’t they?”
“Yeah, not to mention being completely exhausted from being worked to death. You DID leave them some food at least, right?”
“Um… sure.”
“Something better than the regular putrid lunches?”
“Um….”
*sigh* “You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to turn this into a second boss battle.”
“You keep working on that courage thing, aight?”
“You should worry about Burg’s retaliation. I’m sure they would appreciate more than just the half-assed help your husband provided after cracking the whip on them all day, all week long.”
“At least someone is happy about this.”
“He still needs some time working on the ‘senses’ part, but… my pleasure.”
“Well, almost anyway.”
“…yes, thanks. I think we’ve already established this. Besides, I went through your stupid shrine already.”
“You still need the sword, though.”
“I already HAVE a sword. It’s Dyne’s sword, even, so…”
“You can call it all you want, but it’s still not the sword of a Dragonmaster.”
“You mean I have to find even MORE stuff?”
“Well… yes.”
“That sucks.”
*GNNNH* “YES, I DO! DO YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH MY EYES, ASSHOLE?!”
“Whoa, whoa… Alex, stop beating up the poor slob. He looks close enough to death as it is.”
“NOT CLOSE ENOUGH!”
“Damn it! Kyle, grab Alex and keep him from killing this kid.”
“Ok, ok. Hold on there, Alex. Let’s just listen to what the kid has to say.”
“Well, there we have it.”
“Hmm. Excuse my pragmatism, but… how could you get a hold of the key at all, much less copying it? Don’t you have to be a guard to even have those?”
“Whatever! I just want to go now.”
“Oh, fine! Go into a trap for all I care.”
“It even smells like a dragon.”
“It does NOT!”
“Well, actually, he didn’t really say anything at all.”
“Of course he did. He said that killing the Black Dragon would stop anyone from becoming a Dragonmaster because there’d be no more Dragon Magic left.”
“I didn’t hear THAT.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t. You were off changing your pants.”
“Oh, right.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a… blue-ish thing… sticking up over the mountains.”
“Oh wow, yeah, it’s not like that’s not setting off my ‘bad news’ alarm or anything.”
“Let’s just head around this mountain and have a look at it.”
“Hoo boy, that is not good news. Time to see if this key will work.”
“And hope we’re not being lead into a HUGE TRAP!”
Face to face with evil, at last. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the moment of truth. Here is where the evil plans will be shifting into high gear and really get tingin motion. Let’s hope that this is not a pun, though, because that would be… yeah.
“They really ought to ban smoking in this area. This is a little bit too much, don’t you think?”
“…..”
“Um… Alex, I don’t think that’s correct.”
“Damn you, industrialism. I see what you’re doing here.”
“Yeah, I wonder what kind of less-than-subtle message they’re going for here.