Chapter 15: There are older and fouler things than Children in the deep places of the world.
“Ok, so the wolf guards I can sort of understand, but what’s up with the weird tank thing?”
“Yeah. What does it shoot? And why is the barrel set to a permanently diagonal angle?”
“Maybe it’s the anti-air defense system, duh?”
“Inside a mine?”
“Well, uh…. yeah! Just think of the… um, badgers in the ceiling or something.”
“Kyle, I never thought you were the sharpest sword in our team, but you’ve really outdone yourself this time. I mean… badgers in the roof? Seriously?”
“Well… yeah. Those things don’t fight themselves, you know.”
“Oh, good. And I was just getting hungry too.”
“This lunch sure took care of that little problem.”
“And we didn’t even need to eat it.”
*urp* “The feeling of wanting to throw up, however…”
“Eating disorders aren’t much fun, Alex. Just saying.”
“So, when’ll we meet the dwarves anyway?”
“Alex, there ARE no dwarves on Lunar. I think the closest you get is the people in Lyton, and they’re more like… erm, midgets or something.”
“I was just kidding, Mia. In fact, we’ll probably meet the people from my hometown in here.”
“Oh, bummer.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to be downright depressing or anything.”
“Totally, duuude.”
“The cavalcade of laughter starts now.”
“Brought here by your cohosts Death and Despair.”
“You called?”
“GAH! No, we didn’t. Please leave at once!”
“How rude.”
“You know, I’m actually tempted to call them back now, so they can entertain this guy.”
“Yeah. He’s being too darned happy to be under the heel of a conquer-happy magic emperor.”
“Oh, he shall taste despair soon enough.”
“Augh! Dude! Mental images.”
“Ergh, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Have you ever thought about… y’know, escaping? All the tanks here just shoot upwards anyway.”
“There’s the wolf guards too, you know.”
“Well… yeah, but they’re such wussies. They go down in one hit and all.”
“Why, you’re right. Quickly, everyone… head for the brown caves and to freedom. FREEDOM, I SAY!”
“Then it’s just a matter of getting past the skeletons and the screaming, floating mass of heads. I’m sure they can manage that and remain relatively unscarred.”
“As opposed to working here until they die of exhaustion?”
“Well, uh…. yeah?”
“And now he’s crying too. Good going, guys.”
“Whoops.”
“Um… sorry… sir. Just… just keep your chin up, mmkay?”
“That… didn’t help.”
“We’ve already fought SOME of those byproducts.”
“Yes. I think Ghaleon’s big on ‘made of iron, runs on coal’ vehicles.”
“He’s also big on ‘things that shoot sawblades’, which strikes me as ludicrously sadistic.”
“The guy forces children to work in the mines until they die of exhaustion, and you focus on the sawblades?”
“Oh, trust me; you take one of those to your shoulder, and the thoughts of any suffering but your own will leave your mind for a while.”
“Speaking of suffering; here’s someone in dire need of a lesson in it.”
“Stockholm Syndrome claims another victim.”
“If Mia doesn’t beat him to it.”
“Or she beats it into him.”
“Same thing.”
“I’m not sure I like where he’s going with this.”
“I knew it!”
“And won’t they be glad to see us here.”
“Any other advice to impart for the infiltration, oldtimer?”
“Um… I don’t think I’ve ever heard about anything like that before.”
“Wallhack? Headshot mod? No-clip? Throw us a bone here, man.”
“Er… he’s kind of coughing up blood here.”
“At least it’s hitting the walls, so you might’ve been on to something.”
“Oh, so it’s the literal approach. Let’s bring along some pickaxes, then. There’s more than enough of them lying around.”
“And you just HAD to turn this into a comedy skit too, didn’t you?”
“Guys, he’s… kind of dying here. Jessica, could you please apply your healing skills?”
“Do I have to? He smells funny.”
“YES! THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION! THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!”
“Alright, alright.”
“Uh… yes, of course we’re prisoners. Can’t you see the shackles and the defeated looks on our faces?”
“My hands… they’re just full of calluses and scars from all this working.”
“Your hands are just callused because of all the mugs you swing with the beer you drink. You haven’t done a single day’s work in your entire life.”
“Oh, what do you know? The passersbys don’t just protect themselves, you know.”
“Not enough, at any rate.”
“Ok, now you’re just being mean.”
“Even in the deep mines, I can’t get away from hearing that. Did Luna put you up to this? Hm?”
“Oh, that’s right. Alex is whipped. I totally forgot about that.”
“You thought he was a man for a second, huh?”
“I am a MAYUN!”
“…who isn’t listening to his elders.”
“Hey, I haven’t noticed any shackles on YOUR feet. Did you ever consider trying to… oh, WALK out of here?”
“Oh, sure. It’s not like there’s an armada of sawblade-shooting tanks here or anything. What’s the base damage for mining shovels these days anyway?”
“2-3, but that’s beside the point.”
“On the contraire, mr. Alex, that is exactly the point.”
“Oh, come on. They weren’t THAT hard to fight.”
“And he accuses ME from being lazy.”
“Actually, Jessica did that.”
“Don’t bring ME into this. What did I ever do?”
“You want a list?”
“And once again, our quest is delayed because of stupidity.”
“Can I start punching the stupid people now?”
*sigh* “Sure, why not?”
“Yeesh, this can’t be good.”
“Big open space? Now, that’s NEVER a bad omen.”
“Somehow, I expected something bigger than this.”
“Wolf guard and lizard commander? How does that even BEGIN to make sense?”
“Oh, phooey. Nothing has made sense enemy-wise this far, so why would it start now?”
“Good grief! What else will we meet inside this crazy place?”
“Mom and Dad? Imagine that.”
“Yes, we sure are completely out of danger. Nothing out for our lives here. Or anywhere else we’ve been so far.”
“LOOK OUT! SAWBLADES!”
“GAH! WHERE?!”
“Juuust kidding.”
“You… you bastard.”
“They didn’t tell you? You’d think evil minions would be more than happy to let you in on every single dirty detail of their evil plans.”
“No, I’m afraid not. Does that mean she’s in the mines?”
“You’re joking, right? All that foreshadowing didn’t clue you in on the fact that Ghaleon might have bigger plans with her?”
“Well, um… plausible deniability?”
“Oh, I know ALL about that.”
“I don’t think he was referring to the delusion of who’s wearing the pants in the relationship.”
“Wait! Does that mean that I…”
“Nooooo. The baby was Luna.”
“Plausible deniability again, huh?”
“Oh, quiet, you.”
“And that was another message from the spell-it-out society, for people a little slow on the uptake.”
“And you can read all about that in my new book; ‘I knew them as Luna and Nall’, for sale in Ramus’ store soon.”
“He’d be the only one dumb enough to try selling it too, wouldn’t he?”
“He sure would.”
“Hee hee.”
“Yes, she’s been kidn…wait, what? Crying in the dark?”
*snrk*
“HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!”
“Something funny, Alex dear?”
“Oh… oh… yeah, Luna crying in the dark. I’m just not seeing that at all. Or at least not without the mental image leading to unavoidable fits of laughter.”
“It’s more likely she’s giving both Ghaleon and Xenobia a very hard time right about now.”
“But… but she’s a girl, you know. Girls are delicate and all.”
“Mom, seriously… when have Luna ever sat down and cried?”
“Well, uh… there was this time when… um…”
“When…?”
“Well, a few years ago. Don’t you remember?”
“Not at all. In fact, I have no memories whatsoever of Luna crying. Ever! In fact, I’m willing to bet the doctor that slapped her on the butt when she was born got a kick in the balls for the trouble.”
“Well, it was Dyne who brought her to us, but I could see that happen, yeah.”
“Honey, you’re not helping.”
“Now that’s a bit counter-productive, isn’t it? After all, they need you to slave and work for them. Can’t make a dead body do that, unless….”
“Jessica, remind you to never ask you about your personal secrets.”
“What?! That’s just logic, you know?”
“Yes, twisted, cynical logic.”
“WHATEVAAAAAH!”
“I think they placed him in the bunnygirl section. Something about a personal massager or something.”
“Wow, that’s cruel, even for a joke. Look, she’s even foaming at the mouth now.”
“She’s just happy that he’s ok.”
“She’s even gripping her pickaxe so hard, her knuckles are whitening.”
“So, Ghaleon and Xenobia has a sense of humor about their villainy? That’s… surprising.”
“Oh, you have NO idea.”
“Yes, and why don’t we just keep it that way?”
“Suit yourselves.”
“You know what? I… can’t even joke about this. Children are being made to slave until they die of exhaustion.”
“This is just awful. I can only hope that people learn from this when it’s all over.”
*however, as the future shows…*
“Oh, shut up, you! Why, back in the days, we were torn away from our homes and forced to work in the mines. With snow reaching up to our waists. And we had to dig with our hands.”
“Yeah. I mean, at least you get to kick ass and stuff.”
“Hell, even the villains are nicer these days. No more being worked to death in mines. Heh, I’d really like to see THAT happen nowadays.”
*some time later*
“D’oh!”
*so much for that. Well, back into the past we go again…*
“Eeeh, I have a sneaking suspicion he did that just to get some peace and quiet. I’ll just have to make a mental note to ask him to teach me that spell before I run him through with a sword.”
“Alex, you are an awful, awful person.”
“I’ve learned from the best.”
*cough* “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The power of bitchiness? Or does he just need her backbone?”
“Besides, how would YOU know what he plans on doing with her anyway? Is Ghaleon suffering THAT much from standard villain nefarious plans explanation syndrome?”
“Oh, you have NO idea.”
“Stop saying that!”
“Story of my life. In fact, this crazy journey to become a Dragonmaster almost counts as the first real break I’ve had in years and years.”
“Spoken like a true cynic.”
“You’ve never met Luna, so you wouldn’t know.”
“Far as I can remember, your old buddy Ramus was no walk in the park.”
“Hmm. Yeah, you got a point.”
“You can drop the hints now, because we already know we have to go fight this commander.”
“Um… NO! Do YOU see the pinstriped prisoner suit here?”
“Plus, in some ironic twist of irony, Ghaleon already took away his ball-and-chain.”
*snrk* “HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!”
“Ya know, at this point Luna has my sympathy, because those two sure get some big mouths once she’s not around.”
“Word!”
“Me neither, so color me surprised when we actually found him having a meeting with success.”
“Yeah, that was just unreal. We were actually expecting the customers to rip HIM off, but… I guess the pretty girls he had hired helped him but lots.”
“Let’s just hope he’s got the brains to refuse any marriage proposals from any of the girls working for him, or he’s going to learn what divorces can do to bank accounts.”
“Hoo boy, I’m getting a bad feeling about THIS place.”
“Oh yeah? Then who’s lying in the green chest over there?”
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, huh?”
“Um… I don’t think that’s a corpse.”
“Well, it’s an odd place to store treasure, isn’t it?”
“Isn’t that a waste of energy, though? If they are nearly dead from overwork, why not just let them expire by themselves without spending energy to swing swordarms or whatever?”
“Once again, I don’t wanna know.”
“A casino?”
“A TV remote?”
“You guys are weird.”
“Well, I can’t think of anything more frightening than becoming a slot jockey. Just sitting on your ass plunking silver coins into a machine and pulling a lever all day.”
“Say that to the kid we recently visited.”
“That’s no fun.”
“It’s not supposed to be, you dope.”
“Since when were ghouls known for wanting to take over the world? That’s what supervillains are for.”
“Besides, I don’t think Ghaleon is into human flesh. Xenobia might be, though.”
“Yeah, yeah. Nitpick some more, why don’t you?”
“Babe, yes. But luscious? Maybe not right now, what with all the grime and sweat and the tired, worn out look.”
“Some people find that sort of thing sexy, you know.”
“Of course you do. Incidentally, ew!”
“Jessica, not to rain on your parade or anything, but I don’t think that was particularly rude. It was pretty pitiful for a compliment, but still…”
“Well, no, but…”
“You would almost think that Jessica…”
“ALRIGHT, let’s… not go there.”
*sigh* “Yeah, yeah, I know. And I bet Luna will be all disappointed if I’m not a Dragonmaster before doing so either. I just can’t win no matter what I do.”
“Mr. what? Is that some kind of common theme in the village you’re from?”
“Yep. Actually, I’m kidding, but you wouldn’t think so if you ever met Luna.”
“You keep telling us that, Alex, but I’m going to have to see it to believe it.”
“Oh, you will.”
“Work and Despair, two of the Endless. They are often seen hand in hand.”
“Plus, we already met mom and dad. I guess they lucked out or something, because they were just standing around in this large open room doing nothing.”
“And now he’s crying. You guys are mean.”
“What?!”
“This might come as a surprise for you, but you’re not supposed to wipe your ass with sandpaper.”
“And you’d think he would know too, being a blacksmith and all.”
“I don’t think he’s used to working with wood, though.”
“And if you aren’t supposed to use sandpaper on your ass, you’re certainly not supposed to use it on your ‘woody’.”
“….”
“If you two don’t get a move on, I’ll sandpaper YOUR asses.”
“You know, I was expecting something a little more sinister than this. Are YOU the guardian of this mine?”
“That would be correct.”
“And you are supposedly undefeatable?”
“So they say… before they die.”
“Well, then… let’s dance.”
“Here’s the question, though; if you really are the strongest around, how come you’re not home defending your own town and your own family?”
“Well, uh…”
“You’re not seeing the lose-lose situation here? You being here does not mean that your family is in any way safe.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Oh well, whatever, let’s just fight.”
“Yeah, yeah. Save your apologies for after we’ve humiliated you like you’ve never been humiliated before.”
“You have minions too?”
“Can’t do anything about them. ‘Allegiance unto death’ and all that.”
“That’s a ‘can do’, buddy.”
“Are you just going to stand there?”
“You got a problem with that?”
“Yes.”
“Then take it up with my axe.”
“And we won. That’s it, then?”
“Not quite.”
“Gah! Where are you?”
“Dragon TANKS?! There’s only room for one Dragon anything here, and I’m that one.”
“Because you’re a Dragonbugger.”
“Erm… not quite, but… yeah, bring it on.”
“….uh.”
“Well, that’s certainly… not all that intimidating?”
“What does it do? Blast fire out of its mouth?”
“Right you are.”
“D’oh!”
“Well, that was even easier than the fight against the undefeatable wolfman here.”
“Oh, get away!”
“That’s the plan.”
“Oh, sounds like someone is getting miiiighty full of himself.”
“All that’s missing is the ‘I could totally kill him, but… with this back problem of mine’.”
“You guys are a bunch of jerks, you know that?”
“We do.”
“Heeey.”
“….”
“Hey, listen…”
“Yes?”
“You might be getting a little senile.”
“I am not!”
“Well, good for you.”
“Except you should have done this from… y’ know, the VERY BEGINNING!”
“But I can’t be at home protecting my family and over here in the mines cracking the whip.”
“And you chose this because…?”
“Uh….”
“Well, we’re outside again.”
“And that was kind of a pleasant ride, too.”
“Pleasant?!”
“Well, yeah… beside the whole ‘the people from my hometown have been enslaved and forced to work in the mines until they die’ part, I mean.”
“Which includes the CHILDREN!”
“Yeah, yeah. No need to remind me.”
“Well, thank you for caring, I guess.”
“Alrighty, we have arrived at another town. I wonder what kind of people we will be meeting here.”
With the town in sight, our friends looked forward to maybe a little R&R before heading out on their next assignment. Some concerns were had over what kind of people they would meet in this town. Being ever closer to Ghaleon’s base and his secret, horrible project, surely some apprehension would be expected, if even that.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I hear ya, buddy, but you just keep those open arms away from me.”
“He’s certainly eager.”
“Sure is. Oh, look, he’s trying again.”
“I’m glad you all find this so very entertaining, but I’m.. whoa, BAD TOUCH! HANDS OFF RIGHT NOW!”
“Oh yeah, we’re entertained, alright.”
“I feel so violated.”