Chapter 14: Great expectations not met.
“And just as I was wondering what kind of enemies we’d be meeting in here.”
“Didn’t we already meet those huge face-covered fleshballs in the last dungeon?”
“Except they were called ‘slice o’ dead’ back there.”
“Do we have to care what they’re called? It’s a huge, pulsating ball with faces covering all of it. And they scream. ALL of them!”
“Eugh, don’t remind me.”
“How do they even breathe? Synchroniously? Do they share lungs? Or brains?”
“Nall, that things LOOKS like a brain. A floating, icky, chattering brain.”
“Can we please just stab that thing and move on now? Did we even WANT to come here in the first place?”
“Another day, another cave. I wonder if it’d be too much to ask to get something other than brown dirt walls on the next dungeon.”
“Well, we’re hitting a dragon’s cave next. Should be something different there, right?”
“It’s not the Brown Dragon, right?”
“Wow, I think I just heard my new favorite euphemism for diarrhea. Thanks.”
“Honey, are you alright?”
“No, I… I have a bad case of the Brown Dragon. I… oh crap, here it comes again.”
“It’s the roar of the Brown Dragon.”
“Have you two had your fills grossing us out yet?”
“THE ROAR OF THE BROWN DRAGON SHALL NOT ABATE SO EASILY!”
*chuckle*
“I guess not.”
“Wow, this place sure is… brown.”
“The rage of the Brown Dragon is unstoppable.”
“Once the Brown Dragon awakens, we’re all in deep…”
“OK, THAT IS ENOUGH!”
“Mia steps up to the challenge.”
“Be careful, Mia. Make sure to stay out of the splatter zone.”
“Why, oh WHY didn’t I just pull a triple cross? Ghaleon’s world domination is better than this.”
“Truly, the horror of the Brown Dragon is limitless.”
“The problem with you guys is that you don’t know when to stop. And trial by error can be a harsh mistress.”
“Even harsher than the Brown Dragon?”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it.”
“Man, Mia… you sure are scary when you are cranky.”
“And I gotta give it to you, Kyle; you sure know how to take your lumps.”
“Bah! That’s nothing… compared to the lumps from the Brown Dragon.”
“I didn’t think the Brown Dragon was about the lumps, but the…”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
“Birdbrain? Are they really called that, or are you just being sore?”
“Oh, I’m sore, alright. One do not feel the anger of the Brown Dragon for naught.”
“I am going to kill you all. I swear! You shall all feel the wrath of all those before you who’ve had to listen to jokes played well past their expiration dates when I beat you all to death with a very nice boat.”
“Alright, alright. Let’s just bash these… uh, brains in and go find a town.”
*gasp* “This is….”
“…yes?”
“…a TOWN!”
*facefaults*
“Well, gee… ya THINK?!”
“This journey has been a comedy routine from the very beginning, and will likely remain so to the bitter end. Emphasis on ‘bitter’ here.”
“Um… the guy plans on taking over the world. I’m pretty sure that includes this town.”
“Yeah. I don’t know what kind of wrath you think you’re getting spared from, but since he’s allied himself with the Vile Tribe, you can bet it won’t be the fluffy and green kind.”
“Erm… I think you’re getting your motivations a little bit mixed up here.”
“Well, I’m just saying that this town will be stepped on just like all the others, so they’re just exchanging one kind of wrath with another. Villains generally don’t go ‘I’ll TAKE OVER THE WORLD… except that one tiny village over there. I’ll just leave that one alone’.”
“I’ll leave it to the rage of the Brown Dragon.”
*giggle*
*groan*
“That means we’ll most definitely have to fight him.”
“We’ll… try not to make you an orphan, kid.”
” ‘We’?”
“Oh, for the love of… ok, it’s ‘you’. Could you PLEASE not make a big deal out of me just using the word ‘we’? While I don’t fight a whole lot, I’m still a member of the team, ok?”
“And besides, to make this kid an orphan, we’d have to kill his mother too. Is there something you’ve got planned that you’re not telling us about?”
“About my own plans to take over the world and rid it of nitpickers? No, I can’t say I have.”
“Oh, he’s nice alright. He isn’t even able to say no to would-be dictators.”
“Yeah, it’s just… ‘Could you help me take over the world, pretty please?'”
“And he’s all ‘oh, alright. But play nice, now.'”
“And they just chuckle to themselves in response.”
*cough* “..oh, yes. Of course.”
“He even… um, takes care of the children. Whatta pal.”
“Guys, seriously. This is just getting depressing. Could we please just move on? We could always just… you know, drop by this mine village and see what we can do.”
“And if everything else fails, we’ll just unleash the BROWN DRAGON’S RAGE on them all.”
“…yes. Whatever. We go. Now.”
“Wolf Guard and Bird Brain. I guess that’s not too bizarre.”
“Which is kind of sad in itself.”
“This town sure is…. brown.”
“I think it’s a theme they have here on the Frontier.”
“Yeah. You’d think a villain would have a penchant for a little more…. well, flair.”
*and in the FABulous future…*
“So… how do you like my fortress so far?”
“It’s… uh, very…. um… colorful?”
“And sparkly.”
“Oh, tell me about it. You have NO idea how difficult it is to find Austrian drapes these days.”
“Not to mention pictures of Joan Crawford everywhere.”
“Oh, I knooooow. She’s just so fabulous.”
“Wow, I… uh, I’m at a complete loss for words here.”
“And you even used Lucia as a wall decoration.”
“Oh, yeeees. Once I take her sparklies, this place will look just great.”
“Hey, Zophie. There’s a guy from Horam I’d like you to meet. I just know you two will hit it off right away.”
*but enough about that. Back to the past we go…*
“Naaah, that would be just…”
“Nall, let’s not start using really derogatory terms here. We’ve got an audience to think of.”
“Neat. That happens to be just what we’re looking for.”
“Well, it sure sounds better than venturing into the caves of the Brown Dragon.”
“…..”
“Haha wow. Normally, I’d just as much kill anyone making another Brown Dragon reference, but you just set yourself up for much riffing in the future with that comment.”
“What do you mean?”
“Kyle, you once tagged the Brown Dragon as an euphemism for something. Now, what do you think ‘the cave of the Brown Dragon’ would be an euphemism for?”
“Well, I… oh, damn!”
“Yeah, something totally…”
“Nall, what did I just say?!”
“Oh, fine.”
“And how would you know?”
“I bet this wiener tried himself, and when he failed, he just deemed it impossible.”
“It just goes to show; never send a NPC to do a main party member’s job.”
“And here we are, at the sphincter of the Black Dragon.”
“Guys, seriously. Enough with the poopie jokes now.”
“Well, at least the walls aren’t brown anymore.”
“The floor is very purple, though. I thought we were going into the caves of the Black Dragon, not Barney’s Lair.”
“Well, if we actually meet up with Barney, though, it’d be totally worth it.”
“That’s not Barney.”
“Look out! They’ve got us partially surrounded.”
“They look kind of lame, actually.”
“And here I thought enemies were supposed to gradually become harder and harder to beat.”
“Oh? No more ‘be careful on this one’?”
“Besides, they were eight. Not that it made any difference, but…”
“Alright, alright.”
“And right you were, Jess. That was pathetically easy. How about giving us more of a challenge next time, Black Dragon?”
“Uhm… ok, that’ll do.”
“You just HAD to go and open your big mouth, didn’t you?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“They kind of look like the Vile Tribe, don’t they?”
“Except they’re a bright, cheerful blue.”
“Maybe they’ve got candy.”
“I…. don’t think so.”
“Oh, sweet Jesus, what the hell is THAT?!”
“Chaos Fiend? We are SO screwed.”
“His escort guardians are diminishing the intimidation factor, though, if only slightly.”
“Oh yes, because there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as being killed by a horrifying demon from the depths of hell and his brightly colored aides.”
“Is there any way this situation can become any worse?”
“I swear… one of these days, I’m gonna learn when to shut the hell up.”
“Ah, yes, the Ultra Raptor; for when a regular Raptor just isn’t unfair enough.”
“Ultra Raptor; for when you just have to kill every damn fool that bungles into these caves.”
“I think we’re nearing the end. I hear something.”
“I think you’re right.”
“Oh man, finally. This is going to be so great.”
“Er… yes, that was the general idea. What’s up with this dead end? Where’s the Black Dragon?”
“What?! You mean this whole cave was just a fake? Where is the Black Dragon? Where is MY ARMOR?!”
“Alex, I don’t think he’s listening.”
“I know. I… argh, that bastard is going to pay for this.”
“How about just looting that chest over there. That way, at least we didn’t make this journey for nothing.”
“Oh nice. At least I got a better sword out of this. That’s something, I guess.”
“Marke, huh? I bet we’ll find that little Brown Town if we go through the mine with the ‘unbeatable’ guard.”
“Of course.”
“Yeeees, you told us that the last time we came here.”
“By the way, you wouldn’t happen to… oh, ‘like swords’, by any chance?”
“Lick swords? Ew, now that’s a nasty habit.”
“LIKE swords, Jessica. L – I – K – E!”
“Yeah, if you put your tongue on them, I’d say it’s a safe bet that you do.”
*sigh* “Whatever.”
“Yeah, well… something tells me that you’re easily impressed.”
“Don’t pick on the poor slob, Kyle. Let’s just go and beat this ‘unbeatable’ guard.”
“You guys are mean. And fun. Keep it up.”
“Oh great. Now you’re starting to sound like Luna, promising me away to do both this and that.”
“I do NOT! Besides, I don’t think Luna would ever let you help another girl.”
“Well, no, but…”
“I guess they’re not union.”
“Wait, what?”
“Well, the union looks after the workers’ interests, see?”
“I guess that means Ghaleon isn’t a union man either.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Even before I learned that he was planning on taking over the world…”
“Guys, this is not the time or the place.”
“I have a hunch we’ll be finding out sooner or later.”
“Well, duh! It’s not like he’ll build something just to stash it away.”
“Well, there we go. Literally.”
“Ruid, just one consonant away from becoming an omen for what it’ll bring to this world.”
“That was… surprisingly deep, coming from you.”
“I have my moments.”
“Few as they are.”
“And Stockholm Syndrome claims its first victim.”
“Is it alright if I warm up by beating him up?”
“Knock yourself out.”
“Or that guy, which would be even better.”
“Why, Kitty… I didn’t know you cared.”
“I… have my moments.”
“Few as they are.”
“Lose-lose situations. Don’t you just love them?”
“Yeah, but…”
“Nall, unless you want to spend your time shuffling your little feet in embarrassment every time we meet someone inside that mine who doesn’t necessarily want to die — and let me remind you; that includes children — I suggest you stop that train of thought right now.”
“…sorry.”
“Where’s what?”
“I think this is one of those ‘fourth wall’ things. Unless he really meant Amnesia International, in which case a few cranial impact ought to set things straight.”
“I just love the can-do spirit of the people in this place.”
“Taking over the world? Yessir! Kidnapping entire towns to use as slaves? NO PROBLEM!”
“All except two.”
“Though not for the lack of trying, I guess.”
“You think he tried getting Luna to work in here?”
“Shaaa, no waaaay. Besides, I think it’s more likely we’ll find her in his harem.”
“Ghaleon’s got weird tastes, that’s for sure.”
“And what does that say about you, I wonder?”
“I have no idea what the hell they are talking about anymore.”
“Join the club.”
“So, he’ll take over the world, destroy it and then take it over again?”
“Well, at least he likes keeping himself busy.”
“And others too, I’m sure we’ll find out in a little while.”
“He could do well as a politician. ‘WORK FOR EVERYONE!'”
“The line between a politician and a dictator seems to be pretty narrow. And it only takes a short hop from there to destroyer of worlds.”
“Wow! Politics can be a dangerous game.”
*sigh* “Alright, guys. This is it. Are you ready to go inside?”
“Let’s just get this over with.”
“Please don’t let the walls be brown, please don’t let the walls be brown, please don’t let the walls be brown.”
It is not with a small amount of anticipation our friends venture into danger yet again. With the disappointment of the not-quite-Black-Dragon’s-lair behind them, would they hit paydirt this time? How will the fight against the undefeatable master of the mines go? What will be waiting for them on the other side? Just what is Ghaleon building. And, most important of all, will the walls be brown?
“Yep! These are some pretty brown walls, alright.”
“They sure are. But, you know what? I don’t care! I mean… just… just look! There’s wood paneling. And… and smooth floors. There’s even some greenery poking out from the ceiling. I LOVE THIS PLACE!”
“Ok, Alex has lost it. What do we do now?”