Chapter 13: Through sickness and stealth.
“I think so, but it was kind of hard to make out what he said through the tears and the gasping for breath.”
“He smelled that bad?”
“Let’s put it this way: there was no paint on his walls.”
“Wow, seriously?”
“His helpers all had their noses sewn shut.”
“Eww.”
“You could literally cut the air in there. And spread it on a sandwich.”
“You’re not stopping until I throw up, are you?”
“Nope! Why should YOU get off any easier?”
“Well, don’t all of you jump into my arms at once.”
“Don’t worry, Alex. We don’t love you THAT much.”
“Don’t worry, be happy, huh?”
“I always sleep with one eye open. What else is new?”
“I should have known that already.”
“Yeah, though our noses nearly fell off.”
“As for Nash, I’m pretty sure he’s having a faceful of cleavage right about now.”
“That lucky bastard.”
“He better not!”
“I’m thinking he chose the lesser of two evils.”
“GAH!”
“Don’t DO that!”
“Do what? Let anyone know what a bunch of wieners you are?”
“So, what were we supposed to guess?”
“Well, here’s a few hints.”
“Um… um… the BEATLES!”
“And you are CORRECT! Tell him what he won, Betty.”
“Nall, not only did you win a free pass on the underground path to the prairie, but you also won the opportunity to see the sights and catch the local bug.”
“Yes, they have THAT thing they do so well.”
“And what is ‘that’?”
“Oh, I dunno… the water of mirage, maybe?”
“Who does?”
“The prairie tribe?”
“But where…”
“Nall, we are NOT doing the ‘what’s the name of the band on stage’, so shut the hell up!”
“Um… guys? Wounded traitor here? Needing medical aid?”
“Good thing you weren’t going for a triple-cross, then.”
“Or a quadruple-cross. That would just put you back where you started.”
“Oh, why did I even come back here?”
“Are you in pain?”
“Only when I laugh, so it’s a good thing you guys aren’t funny. Ever.”
“We kind of figured you did it for the boobies.”
“Well, I… uh, of course not. What would make you think I did something like that?”
“Because she liked showing it off?”
“She sure did. Hoo boy, did she ever. In fact, there was this time she…”
“…..”
“Um… never mind.”
“That you had any chance of getting it on with Xenobia? There’s just no way I’m ever believing something like that.”
“Hey! Anyway, I wasn’t referring to that. I was talking about my big double-cross plans.”
“Oh, that.”
“Not even for a second.”
“I wasn’t, I swear!”
“That’s right, Mia. Yank that leash. Show him who’s wearing the pants in this family.”
“Don’t… just don’t start this with me.”
“Disease, huh? Now, let me guess… we’re going to go straight for that place, aren’t we?”
“Aren’t we heroes, Alex? And you, a Dragonmaster in training, even?”
“Yes, but wouldn’t it be a good idea to find out what’s going on there before going anywhere near a quarantined zone?”
“Hey, we wouldn’t be able to call ourselves heroes if we didn’t rush headlong into everything without thinking of the consequences. It’ll be fine.”
“We can call ourselves idiots, though.”
“Guys, did we seriously need to return to this guy? He’s just going on and on about my eyes, it’s creeping me out.”
“But it’s so much fun.”
“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M HAVING FUN TO YOU?”
“Just look at it as a trial. Dragonmasters have to undergo trials, you know.”
“THIS IS NOT A TRIAL! IT’S A CREEPY, TINY OLD MAN WARBLING ABOUT MY EYES AND PROBABLY CHECKING OUT MY BUTT!”
“Now, now, Alex. You’re just bei.. oh, you’re right. He totally is.”
“GAH! WE LEAVE NOW!”
“Nonono, we should spend some more time here.”
“Oh, please… *sob*… I’ll even go to that disease village. Let’s just… just go.”
“Ugh! Monster Wasps. Oh well, at least I can stab them with my sword without having to go to the dungeon for murder one.”
“Dude, seriously. You need some Ritalin.”
“Oh, sure. It’s not like he was looking at YOUR butt. I mean… first Quark wants to check my manhood and now this guy gushes over my eyes while staring at my ass. I mean… I don’t think anyone, past or future, will have to deal with something as magnificently homosexual as this.”
*but, alas… in the future*
“Well, I sure feel good about myself right now. Who’s with me?”
“You’re a weirdo, Hiro, but we love you anyway.”
“Sure you wanna head off to the Blue Star for Lucia? Looks like you’ve got quite a catch right here.”
“Wowee! Somebody hold me back.”
*back in the… uh, present*
“When in doubt, check your local hole-in-the-ground.”
“Looks like someone tore the ground up good.”
“Well, it sure wasn’t the welcome wagon. Unless it crashed all but good.”
“Oh, she looked miiighty fine the last time I saw her. Unless, of course, she drug that illness and spread it all over Tamur.”
“And isn’t that a lovely thought. Now, let’s go while you illuminate this cave like the little ray of sunshine that you are.”
“Guys, seriously. Diseases spread from person to person. If she had it when she came back, she had it when she left as well. How the hell did you people manage to survive out there without your average basic medical knowledge?”
“Not all that well, I’d say.”
“Guys, here’s an idea. How about we MOVE ON!”
“And here we go. Yet another full town with people who can’t do squat, the saving grace being that at least they have an excuse for their incompetence.”
“The more I hear about this whole situation, the less I want to actually go there. These people seriously need to learn how to take care of themselves instead of… um, collapsing from illnesses and such.”
“Oh! Well, at least we didn’t have to go very far.”
“Don’t count your eggs before the dragons are hatched, Alex. Or… well, something like that. Otherwise, we’ll be going spelunking again before you know it.”
“It’s an illness, Nall. Why would we need to do something like that to conquer an illness?”
“The key word being ‘usually’, I suppose?”
“Yeah. Not to rain on anyone’s parade or anything, but this place is kind of… dead.”
“Oh, real nice choice of words there; Jessica. Is that something you learn in priestess academy?”
“Now now, Alex. Don’t be shy. I only learn from the best, you know.”
“Wow, ouch!”
“Wait, you KNOW what’s causing the disease? So, what’s stopping you from assembling an assault party to wipe out this enemy? I mean… you kept bragging about your strength and all, so that shouldn’t be a problem, right?”
“I’m just… astounded at this lack of productivity.”
“And that’s bad, coming from a guild who nearly got their asses handed to them by their own boss.”
“Oh, shut up. At least Ghaleon wasn’t a no-good bandit from the get-go.”
“At least I’m not planning on taking over the world.”
“No, just all the ladies you come across.”
“Oh, definitely.”
“Who? The old guy lying on the floor and groaning?”
“I’m not sure just how much help that guy can be in this state.”
“That’s swell, but is there anyone around here who can actually help us?”
“At least TALK to the guy, you nitwits.”
“In the what? Castle of Aaaargh?!”
“No, I think it was Ahhhhhhh. Or maybe the caves of Ohhhhh! Either way, we’ll sure have to turn to spelunking again, just you wait.”
“Swell.”
“Wh.. what the, you even know specifically what to do about this cursed illness, but you won’t save yourselves from certain death because it’s against the law?!”
“And what kind of law is that anyway? ‘Thou shalt not save thyselves from horribly inflicting diseases under pain of death’?”
“Besides, what’s going to happen if you break it by SAVING THE WHOLE TOWN?! Judge Dredd will be coming for your asses?”
“Wh.. when will you.. *cough* ..stop this meaningless.. *huf* ..chatter.”
“…are you alright, Mia?”
“Oh, you’ve never been particularly hot, so that’s nothing new?”
“I’m… *cough* …going to kill you now, Kyle. Just as soon as… *cough* …I’ve thrown up.” *urp*
“Whoa!”
“Hold it in, Jess.”
“Eugh! Was ‘throwing up’ part of that? That was just gross.”
“And there’s that ‘law’ again, as well as a teensy hint about what we’ll be having to do. And it’s got ‘fetch quest’ stamped all over it.”
“Well, there’s no time to lose, I guess. That’s some nice timing from you girls, getting sick just when we have to do this crap. You lazy bums.”
“I’m afraid I have to kill you now, Kyle. By drowning you in vomit, most likely.”
“Yikes, Mia. Just.. don’t get up. Rest already. We’ll take care of this, I promise.”
“Now that just sounds like blackmail. Are you sure you have a law that prevents you from going there, or were you just waiting around for a bunch of fools?”
“Um… Alex, this disease is pretty much terminal. That’s not something you just wait out. That would be like running head first into a stone wall and hoping it breaks before your head does.”
“Speaking from experience there, buddy?”
“Hey, I’m not the blockhead here.”
“Lazyass.”
“Deadbeat.”
“Golddigger.”
“Chicken-wuss.”
“You Sp..wait, what? What kind of a combination is THAT?”
“I was about to say the same, but more of an assessment about you two.”
“Oh, shut up!”
“No worries. Just… just don’t throw up like that again. The part where your head spun around in circles while doing so was one of the most frightening things I have ever seen.”
“Seconded.”
“Thirded. And PLEASE tell me that was because of the disease.”
*sigh* “Well, here we go again. And without the girls too. This’ll be a lot of fun.”
“We could always go pick up a few ladies in… um… wait, Ghaleon kidnapped all the nice ones, didn’t he?”
“He sure did.”
“That bastard. He needs to pay.”
“And Kyle regained his focus. Glad you’re with us again, buddy.”
“Can’t talk now. We’ve got a… thingie to slay.”
“I must say, this doesn’t look like any cave I’ve ever seen.”
“This is a temple, Alex. I think you might have heard about them. Why, there might even be one or two of them out in hicksville for you to visit.”
“Ooh, I just love it when you talk dirty to me. C’mon, tell me; who’s a naughty boy? Whoooo?”
*sigh* “I just can’t take you anywhere.”
“Well, here we are, at the asscrack of oblivion.”
“And we’re going in.”
“Enemas at the ready.”
“Ewwww!”
“And speaking of things that look familiar…”
“Ough! For ONCE, I would have liked seeing a different cave design. Are the dragons the only ones with some semblance of an imagination here?”
“I guess we’ll see once we find some monsters in here.”
“So… who’s hankering for a slice of…”
“Plugging up my ears now.”
“DEEEAAAAATH!”
*sigh* “Knew I forgot about something.”
“Lightning spell?”
“Yes, please. And hit both of them. Hard!”
“One lightning strike coming right up.”
“Um…. you alright, Alex? Nall? You two look a little…”
“I’m-m-m alrghghgight, l-l-let’s just g-g-goh!”
“If you say so.”
“And, once again, I have no idea whether we’re close to our goal or not.”
“Let’s just take this one step at a time, starting with these steps.”
“You just had to turn this into a pun, didn’t you?”
“Less talking, more walking.”
“And the idiot contest has started.”
“What have I gotten myself into?”
“Are we there yet?”
“How the hell should I know?”
“I swear, if I have to walk any more stairs now, I’m going to scream.”
*sigh*
“Well, you got your wish, Alex. Happy now?”
“What the hell is an Inca God? Where’s Inca anyway?”
“He looks like an alien.”
“And he’s twin wielding for +2 damage… or something.”
“You’re such a nerd.”
“And proud of it.”
“He kind of looks like a weenis, though. How much trouble can he be?”
“Ow, ow, ow, ow!”
“Kyle, stop playing around.”
“C’mere, Alex, and I’ll show you just how much I’m playing around here.”
“Are we… going to be alright here?”
“I’m sure we’ll be fine if we only hide their bodies here after we kill them.”
“That was… anticlimatic.”
“This was a God?”
“So it said. Anything you failed to mention here, Tempest?”
*cough* “Of course not. What are you insinuating?”
“Only that we’ve been had, methinks.”
“Grimzol? I thought it was Grizzel.”
“Well, it’s… um… yeah, that’s right.”
“Did killing Grimzol or Grizzel or whatever serve any purpose at all?”
“Well, sure. Otherwise, we’d never break this curse.”
“I’m… kind of wondering about that right now.”
“You think too much, Alex. Let’s just go back.”
“Wait, what did you just say?”
“Let’s go back?”
“No, before that.”
“You think too much?”
“Yes, that. Oh wow, nobody has ever said that to me before.”
“I can believe that.”
“Oh my god, it’s getting worse.”
“There are people lying on the ground everywhere. This is getting out of hand.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re not taking this seriously?”
“But I am. I’m taking this all the way to the top.”
“Look. He’s got the… the thing! What are we going to do?”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE!”
“Ok, this is just getting silly. What did we just go down into the brownish caves to get?”
“On my nerves?”
“Well, that makes us even, then. Now, how about we take this one to the village chief?”
“Oh, sure, don’t think of the little guy or anything.”
*sigh* “Why me?”
“Alas, poor Inca God. We hardly got to know him.”
“At least he’s in a better place now.”
“Like where?”
“Well, I dunno, but ‘not in those caves’ is a good start.”
“Yes, damn you, Tempest, for saving your village in ways that didn’t really damage anyone.”
“Except the Inca God.”
“Yes, except him. Anyway….”
“Dude, it’s not like they’re gonna chop your head off, right?”
“Well, no, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s nothing. You don’t wanna know, trust me.”
“How so?”
“Well, tribal punishments tend to be very embarrassing.”
“Embarrassing?”
“PAINFUL! Yeah, I meant painful.”
“Yyyyeah, you’re right. I don’t want to know.”
“Except for the obvious, I mean.”
“Oh, if only I had the strength to punch you in the face…”
“That’s my Jessica.”
“If only so I can KILL YOU!”
“Yeesh, that’s gratitude for you. And after we did the tedious, longwinded part too.”
“C’mon, Mia. C’mon!”
“You can do it. C’mon, you can. Do it, c’mon. You can do it.”
“Guys…”
“Well, that was a miraculously fast recovery. You sure you weren’t just faking it?”
“Of course not, Alex. What kind of girl do you take me for?”
“Eeep! A gentle and fragile one, of course.”
“That’s a good boy.”
“Man, I can hardly believe I was once attracted to this girl.”
“Woohooo, let’s hear it for the lovebirds.”
“Ladies and gentlemen; Alex, ruiner of moods and moments.”
“You sure do. Helping people… um, breaking village laws and fight pushover ‘Gods’ sure don’t come cheap.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Legendary? That was hardly enough material for a haiku or a limerick.”
“Yeah. If it’s all the same to you, we’d rather just put this embarrassing episode behind us. And, given how effective you’ve been in this crisis, I’m guessing you would too.”
“You have a point.”
“That is one hell of a miracle cure. People go from completely incapacitated to back on their feet in a matter of seconds.”
“Yeah. Hmmm… I think this cure could fetch a good price on Black Rose Street.”
“Well, we kind of killed the source, though, so we’re pretty much left with a medicine for a disease that doesn’t exist.”
“You think that has stopped us before?”
“I… guess not. Never mind me asking.”
“Really? From this well? And somehow, this is the only place where you can find this water; in the temporary camp of a nomad tribe? My sense of disbelief is wearing thin here.”
“Whatever, Alex. Can we please just go now? I’m sick of this place, where absolutely nothing makes any sense.”
“Well, here we are again. This better work.”
“I wonder if mr. Cranky will be bitching about his sleeping arrangements again.”
“See?”
“Well, I don’t see what the goddamn problem is. It’s not like he has to stop sleeping here just because we’re passing through.”
“And the faster we pour the goddamn water into the goddamn spring, the faster we can go through the goddamn teleporter and be on our goddamn way.”
“Goddamn, that was a lot of… um, goddamns.”
“That sure worked like a charm.”
“A very soggy and cranky charm.”
“You know that we don’t have to listen to his whining any more the moment we step into the teleporter, right?”
“Good point.”
“Well, here we go again. I hope you all packed your toothbrushes.”
Finally, our band of heroes are on their way to the frontier, a barren, hostile wasteland not fit for human habitation. What kind of horrors can one expect there. What dreadful paths even lead to this place. That’s what our heroes are about to learn.
“For the love of… those damn brown caves AGAIN?!”
“When will this madness end?”