Chapter 12: Pull my finger.
“Well, I guess this answers that question. I guess I lost the bet.”
“Which question? Alex, Nash just grabbed your helmet.”
“Nudge, nudge. Say no more.”
“What? No, that’s not what I… stop twisting my words around.”
“Well, if he did, I would have been right.”
“THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER! Nash is falling for that hussy and doing what she says. He was supposed to be my servant.”
“Are all the women in Vane like that?”
“Well, I’ve met two. Mia here and her mother, who threw me in jail the second we met.”
“That was NOT my mom. And why are we even having this argument in the first place?”
“Because it’s fun.”
“….”
“Idiots!”
“…we should probably go.”
“I don’t blame him. I’d gladly work under a hottie like that as well.”
“She turned my father to stone, you cold, unfeeling bastard.”
“Well, talk about throwing us for a loop. Say, shouldn’t we leave this place? No reason to just stay here, you know.”
“I hate to admit it, but Nall’s right. Hopefully, we’ll get a chance to face Xenobia later on, and I can reclaim my helmet then.”
“Ooh, sensible.”
“I hate having to put my sword in that magnificent cleavage of hers, though. It’s a shame.”
“That’s men for you. Thinking with their weenies.”
“Yeah! And I’m sure the Twilight movies are well known for their fantastic talents for storytelling.”
“Well, um….”
“Christ! I don’t know whether to give this guy a hug for being such an optimistic pillar of support or stab him where he stands for not shutting up about my eyes. Is that all Dragonmasters are known for? Their eyes?”
“Pretty much, yeah. That, and dying, thus providing villains with ample amounts of motivation for revenge.”
“Good God, I’m wondering if all this is really worth it. I’m running around like a loon to gather dragon pieces to satisfy my demanding girlfriend, who I also have to rescue just so she can continue nagging me about everything under the sun. Surely I’ve broken some kind of record for ‘least amount of motivation ever’ here.”
“Actually, I heard some rumors about another world where their savior was expected to become the village’s best fisherman or something like that. Kind of a step down, if you ask me.”
“No kidding. I’m not sure if that made me feel any better, but… thanks, I guess.”
“Oh, wait. I can see where this is going. We’re going to need another airship, aren’t we?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“GodDAMN it! That means we have to go back and talk to that doofus in Iluk again.”
“Not necessarily.”
“His airships are pretty much foolproof. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“How do I put this…?”
“Then Alex is your man.”
“Wh… hey?!”
“I concur. He’s the dragonmaster in training, after all.”
“Yeah, but…”
“I got enough of that ol’ Bee Oh the last time I was in Nanza.”
“Y..hey! That was uncalled for. We’re not THAT sweaty.”
“Well… yeah, that would do for a start.”
“For a START?! Do I have to come too?”
“I’m afraid so, my furry friend.”
“I am NOT a furry.”
“The force of denial is strong in this one.”
“Two eyes… as long as I can spare them. Or unless I need to squeeze them shut because of the smell making my tears flow.”
“Oh gaaawd. Do we really have to?”
“YES! NO MORE WHINING!”
“I bet you will, you Judas.”
“Hell, I’d bet even he would balk at this kind of bailout.”
“Oh, boys, boys, boys. You’re just overreacting.”
“If that’s what you think, why not just come along.”
“Nonono. I don’t want to crowd your little party here.”
“Bocbocbocboc.”
“…..”
“What’s wrong, Alex?”
“I just… had this horrible mental image of Nash in a chicken suit. I dunno… it just struck me as one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen, mental or not.”
“Even more ridiculous than Ghaleon’s hat?”
“Oh, yes!”
“Um… wow!”
“Are you guys done now? I’m not necessarily looking forward to this myself, you know.”
“Almost.”
“When did you guys start getting so hostile towards each other?”
“Just now.”
“And do you have a problem with that?”
“No, not really. Yeesh!”
“Ok, psyching myself up here. So, what should I expect?”
“Well, he’s not very sociable. Short chats will be appreciated, I guess.”
“What the hell are all those pipes coming out of his castle. His air-conditioning system?”
“No, but that’s actually a neat idea. I have to mention it when we get up there.”
“What the… the guy has a BO problem, and you didn’t think about air circulation? And this guy is going to build us an air ship? Count me out!”
“C’mon, lad. Don’t be so distrusting.”
“The guy has all the time in the world to build flying contraptions, but not to do something about his little problem. Why, his building look like it’s being raped by the Mecha Kraken.”
“Ooh, good one. I have to tell him that too when we get there.”
“…..”
“Well, come on. We should not linger.”
“PLEASE tell me this is not his sewage water.”
“…of course not. Why’d you think that?”
“Because it smells like… like… you know what? I’m going home.”
“Whoa now. Hold your horses, laddie. A real Dragonmaster doesn’t give up that easily.”
“I never thought I’d see the day when the RATS are the least disgusting enemy. What the hell ARE those other… grayish blobs of… things I don’t even want to think about?”
“Well, as you might have guessed, Myght doesn’t really see a lot of visits from women up here, so…”
“DON’T! EVEN! FINISH! THAT! THOUGHT!”
“My God, this is like the world’s most disgusting water slide.”
“Alex, you’ve been bitching and complaining every single second since we started. Enough, already.”
“Fine! Just tell me one thing: is this going to wash off?”
“Well….”
“I’m definitely getting too old for this.”
“You’re 16. I can’t believe you even said that.”
“Finally up. And… Guh! I thought my feet smelled bad, but this? *urp*”
“It’s not so bad once you get used to it.”
“I’m not planning to get used to this, you… you… *urp*”
“We’re almost there. Just… hold your breath, and I’ll do the talking.”
“But if you planned to do the talking, why the hell did you drag me up here in the first place?”
“That’s a good question.”
“…..”
“So spit it out. What do you want?”
“…..”
“Tough guy, eh? Talk!”
“….”
“Don’t you go puffing yourself up, even if it’s just your cheeks. I’m not impressed.”
“….”
“Yeah, there you go, getting all blue in the face. You’re gonna talk sooner or later. You kids are all the same.”
“OH GOD, I CAN’T HOLD IT IN! I’M GOING TO THROW UP RIGHT NOW!”
*sigh* “Ok, over to the sink, Alex. Stinky this place may be, but that’s no reason to cover it with vomit.”
“I knew it. Kids today are soft. Can’t take their lumps.”
“‘Old fart’? Are you trying to be punny too now?”
“Ho ho ho, well, what can I say?”
“You could shut up and tell me what you want. Wasting my time upsets my bowels.”
“I concur! *urp*”
“Oh, but your skin color variations are so interesting.”
“REQUEST! NOW!”
“Or maybe he just knows what people are willing to face the bog of eternal stench for.”
“Well, at least you’re sharp.”
“I do love me some random compliments, but I’d much rather get some air now.”
“Alright, alright. So, how about it, Myght?”
“‘The last one’?”
“Um… nothing. Don’t ask.”
“Ok, but I once again have to wonder why you felt the need to bring me along since you could have done this by yourself. In fact, you would have had to, since Myght probably wouldn’t have listened to me.”
“Hey, didn’t you want some fresh air?”
“Yes, please.”
“You two know each other?”
“Yeah, but didn’t I tell you not to ask any questions?”
“Jeez, the things you want me to pay only half an ear to.”
“Them’s the breaks.”
“You fiend! You’ve invented a huge shrinking ray, haven’t you?”
“What? No, of course not. Learn to read things figuratively once in a while, you idiot.”
“Hey, I’ve been spending a whole lot of time in here with Stinky McFarts. You try that for ten minutes and see how well you can organize your thoughts afterwards.”
“‘Stinky McFarts’? You have SO lost your rights to make fun of my puns.”
“Hey! Pay attention to me. I’m trying to be a good villain here.”
“Whatever!”
“It’s not the size that matters, it’s the motion in the ocean, huh?”
“Well, yes. I mean no. I mean… what the hell are we talking about?”
“Xenobia was right. These people are idiots.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Oh yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Isn’t!”
“Is!”
“Isn’t!”
“Is!”
“It isn’t, and I didn’t come here to buy an argument, so stop that!”
“You’re just being a sore loser.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Oh yes, you are.”
“No, I’m n… STOP THAT, I SAID!”
“‘Wicked rule’? Is that the best you can do?”
“Hey, this is a PG-13 rated story. What do you want?”
“Some boobies would be nice, but I’m guessing you didn’t bring Xenobia with you.”
“So sorry to disappoint.”
“Really?”
“No, not really.”
“You really ARE a villain, aren’t you?”
“And proud of it.”
“Whaddya mean ‘parlor tricks’? I worked hard for these balls.”
“I bet you did.”
“Erm… I mean… fireballs. Yeah. What the hell am I saying.”
“When you’ve found out, feel free to tell the rest of us.”
“As long as we can leave this place, I’ll do anything.”
“Anything?”
“Yes, well… as long as it doesn’t involve crossdressing.”
“Erm… no, of course not. Where did you get any ideas like that?”
“I don’t know. I just had a feeling that there’s no barrier a poor hero is not supposed to cross these days. Like getting involved in saunas with lots of sweaty muscular men and all kinds of horrible, horrible innuendo.”
“I see. That’s… just leave that train of thought for now. In fact, just leave it for good. And speaking of leaving…”
“Oh, thank God. Finally…”
“Oh come on. And why are you calling me ‘young buck’? That kind of has an unsettling connotation to it.”
“Seriously? Bah, you kids today. Everything sounds dirty to you.”
“Hey, that’s not MY fault.”
“Whatever. Just walk already.”
“Alright, already. I’m walking, I’m walking.”
“That’s better, m’lad.”
“Whatever. And feel free to stick to calling me ‘lad’.”
“Oh, pfft. So NOW you complain about being tired, after being all ‘git walking, dagnabbit’.”
“If you like, I can always tear you a new one for being disrespectful.”
“Let’s not.”
Having been through one of the oddest trials he could think of, Alex reflected upon his next course of action. The airship wouldn’t be ready yet, so he needed to find something worthwhile to do in the mean time. He wondered what his friends would say when he returned. Were they going to be happy to see him?
“Well, that wasn’t quite the return greeting I was expecting. Did you plan something… naughty while I was away?”
“Nonono. Stop being nosy.”