Chapter 11: Two caves are better than one. Double the pleasure, and triple the fun.
“She’s going to…. we came all that way just for you to tell us THAT? Thanks, but we kind of already knew that already.”
“Yeah. In fact, we should’ve just stayed by her side, and Xenobia would just have delivered herself.”
“All this pain… all this embarrassment… all so you could tell us ‘she’ll kidnap that singing girl in Reza’? Do you have anything VALUABLE to impart?”
“…..”
“DURRRH! OH ALEX YOU HAVE TO BECOME A DRAGONMASTER LOL!”
“Oh, come on. Even Kyle could have figured that out on his own.”
“Yeah! Even I cou..HEY!”
“Alright, Damon. One more chance to tell us something useful now. If we don’t hear anything that can be figured out by applying a little bit of logical thinking, you’ll be getting some prophecies regarding your own future. And I tell ya, it ain’t gonna be bright.”
“….”
“Can we beat him up now?”
“Man, was that ever a gigantic waste of time.”
“Nostradamus he wasn’t.”
“So, Alex, I can’t help but notice that we’re not returning to Reza to keep an eye on Lily. Y’know, to catch Xenobia redhanded and all that.”
“You’re right, Nall. We’re actually going to pay the Red Dragon a visit.”
“But… shouldn’t we…”
“Nall, if we return to Reza now, we’ll have to take that damn turtle back here, and let me make this very clear now; I’m NOT going through that embarrassment again!”
“Besides, isn’t that turtle kind of wedged stuck anyway?”
“Yes, there’s that too. See?”
“Yeesh, forget I ever asked.”
“Don’t worry about it. I got it well in hand.”
“Good thing you’re not MY hero.”
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Well, here we are. Remember when I flew us all over this place?”
“Sure do. Sometimes, I even wake up in the night, screaming from thinking about it.”
“Oh, come on. It didn’t go THAT badly.”
“So says the one who screamed so loud that my staff crystal broke.”
“So, the spirit of the RAIN CLOUD somehow solidifies lava. Please tell me when that even STARTS making sense.”
“Because… um, the water cools down the lava itself?”
“Besides, you weren’t supposed to just throw it into the lava like that. If you had used it normally, ALL this lava would have solidified.”
“And what if I’m not a magician scholar. So sue me.”
“Don’t tempt me.”
“Lots of fiery tempers abound, huh?”
“Oh, shut up!”
“Alright, at least there’s nothing fancy-ish about this place. It’s like the White Dragon Lair, except reddish instead of blueish.”
“And someone turned the heat way up.”
“Convoluted labyrinths… because straight paths are just SO last century.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk, you and your Nanza underground pass.”
“All the better to earn revenue with, my dear.”
“They were called what?”
“Who cares. Let’s just lay WASTE to them.”
“Oh, har har, punmaster Flex Sexypants. Who died and made YOU king of late night entertainment?”
“Who cares. Let’s not WASTE any more time.”
“…don’t give up your dayjob.”
“Dragonmasters. Because they get paid in laffs.”
“Looks like someone is getting a little AHEAD of themselves.”
“I hate you so much.”
“They have a good head on their shoulders. It’s just a shame they don’t have a neck.”
“You might want to stop doing that, Alex. I’d hate having to hurt you… too much.”
“Alright, where to now?”
“I swear… if I see more stairways, I’m going to throw up.”
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible here.”
“And why is that?”
“These stairs go up.”
“I’m going to slap both of you really, really hard now.”
“I think I see a chest between… um, those tiny, cute lava pits there.”
“Swell. Let’s just hurry and grab the contents in case those ‘tiny, cute’ pits decide to flood the entire room.”
“Don’t be such a partypooper, Nash.”
“I’d much rather be a living partypooper than a dead comedian. I just wish you would remember that more often.”
“Hmm. Still no dragon lair. What’s taking so long?”
“Your navigation skills for one.”
“Your bad sense of humor for two.”
“And your incessant need to loot every single chest in this place for three.”
“Well, you know what they say; all good thing come in trees. Like apples.”
*sigh*
“Oh hey, now we can even walk in circles if we feel like it.”
“NO!”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
“Alex, you wouldn’t know ‘fun’ if it bit you in the ass.”
“Looks like the Red Dragon’s got a serious case of the crabs.”
“Alex, right now I have a serious need to hurt someone. You might want to keep that desire directed at enemies by stopping with the bad jokes.”
“Oh, alright. Did anyone tell you that you are no fun?”`
“All the time, Alex. All the time.”
“Oh hey, this look familiar.”
“Really? How so?”
“Well, we kind of got the Dragon Wings in a room like this, so the theory of pattern recognition says we’ll most likely find another Dragon armor piece in here.”
“Alex, you’re so smart. You would go far in Vane.”
“Thank y..HEY! You’re just being sarcastic now, aren’t you?”
“Nonono.”
“What the… how are we going to reach the Dragon piece from here?”
“The same way you got the first piece, you big dope.”
“Well, Quark’s cave kind of didn’t have the path going behind the stairs like this.”
“There’s a doorway right over there, you idiots! So keep going before I throttle you and throw you over this ledge.”
“And you know what that means, Alex?”
“Uh oh. Don’t you even THINK of…”
“DEEEAAAATH!”
“You are SO right.”
“GAH!”
“What?!”
“It’s a… great ball of fire.”
“Well, at least it’s not a red herring.”
“You know what else is red?”
“What?”
“YOUR BLOOD, AND IT WILL FLOW!”
“Whoa! Hey, somebody stop her.”
“We don’t want to.”
“They always have to pick on the little guy.”
“Yes, indeed. Thank you, Grandmaster Obvious.”
“You’re welcome, Grandmaster Oblivious.”
“I do so love to listen to you two and your comedy routine. And by ‘love’, I mean ‘wanting to put my arms around your neck’. Or maybe it was my hands.”
“Hooray. Now I can set things on fire.”
“Say, wasn’t a fire spell the first kind of spell you learned?”
“Pssht, what do you mean ‘fire spell’? I just threw some lame balls at the enemy. Not much good against anything other than forum trolls.”
“So? It’s still a fire spell.”
“Don’t we have somewhere we need to be? Stop quarreling and get moving already.”
“Alright, alright.”
“I guess it’s not fixed yet. Bummer.”
“Meryod? Alex, weren’t we going to rescue a little girl? You know, the one in Reza? Who’s a singer?”
“Oh, right. Right. Well, let’s go.”
“Alex, those priorities of yours. Also, shouldn’t you take out your White Dragon Wings?”
“Nah. It’s a nice day, so let’s walk.”
“W..walk? Alex, shouldn’t we… well, HURRY?!”
“Can’t be bothered. It’s not like we’ll be anything but just too late to do anything anyway.”
“Your optimism never cease to amaze me.”
“Alex, this is Iluk. What the hell are we even doing here?!”
“I’m going to give that balloon maker a piece of my mind. It’s his fault that I had to play my wimpy little instrument just so we could ride on a turtle.”
“Well, that’s true, but… priorities, Alex. Priorities!”
“Not as sore as Alex is going to be, though, unless he takes us to Reza right away.”
“But Mia…”
“SILENCE! I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE!”
“Ok, fine. Here we are. Happy now?”
“Only if we manage to safeguard the girl. If not, I shall be severely displeased.”
“Whoa, look at that time. Let’s find Lily right away.”
“Um… I don’t think that’s the problem here, lady.”
“Hot mama. Miss Tattooed Cleavage is back.”
“Unfortunately for you runts, though, I won’t be staying for long, especially since I stuck around here for an eternity waiting for you idiots.”
“See? I told you we had all the time in the world.”
“Remind me why I’m not killing you right here and now? It’s not like you would have had a chance in hell or anything.”
“Because then the game would be over, and that would really suck.”
“While I do have patience, it’s not without limits. And boyo, you just ran out.”
“Freakette? I’m a GUY, you know.”
“Coulda fooled me.”
“And you’ve ‘disposed’ of her? Does that mean…”
“No, I haven’t killed her. You’re not quite THAT lucky.”
“Rats!”
“That’s right, little boy. Now commence with your rescue operation so that I can have the opportunity to laugh in your face later.”
“I’ll be more than happy to get more opportunities to look into that fabulous cleavage of yours.”
“Enjoy it while you can.”
“Nall, how long do you plan on doing that?”
“Do what?”
“Repeat what’s being said. We’re not idiots, you know.”
“I’d argue that.”
“Now you’re just being mean.”
“A totally hot blonde. Make of that what you will.”
“And people complain about MY focus.”
“I don’t know myself, but I’ve heard ‘rescuing’ works wonders… sometimes.”
“Unless you’d happen to be just a useless bum barkeep, in which case it will end badly.”
“Whoopee. Now we can all fall in the water and flail about helplessly again.”
“Alex, for some of us, it wasn’t a whole lot of fun.”
“Hey, Nall. I think we found your long lost cousin here.”
“Ha ha. In that case, everyone else here is your cousins, because they keep coming on to girls… badly.”
“Oh, quiet you.”
“No, please, go on. I think this is the first time the two of you have actually been funny.”
“…..”
“She’s such a meanie.”
“Nall, do we HAVE to do this again? And we already KNOW what Ghaleon’s plan is.”
“Alright, finally at the other side of this damn town. Now, if only we could get to the frontier without getting sidetracked?”
“D’oh!”
“Hmmm. I think I like the sound of this. Good thing we bought this soap a long time ago for this situation.”
“What?! That’s not fair!”
“….”
“Well, I feel relieved. Shall we go, Jessica?”
“Sure thing. I could use a little break from these idiots.”
“That’s true, but… we’ll be taking kitty with us.”
“Erm… what? But…”
“No arguments, kitty. Come on!”
“Eeeeenvious.”
“Aaaah, this feels so good.”
“Must not stare, must not stare, must not stare…”
“And now I’m all wet.”
“Aw, poor kitty. C’mere, I’ll dry you off.”
“What do they get to EAT at Vane?”
“Whoa, Mia. Are those two pillows you are squeezing to the back of my head, or are you just happy to see me?”
*giggle*
“D. Definitely D.”
“We might not have been able to see anything, but we could hear it. We could hear everything!”
“Hey, don’t be hatin’ on me for being lucky.”
“You are SUCH a playa. And yes, I hate you.”
“Anyway, onwards we go, away from the mental images of girls, water dripping from their naked bodies. Wet fabric clinging to their curvy bodies…”
“Stop that!”
“No, please, Alex. Go on. It’s so much fun to see Kyle’s uncomfortable expression from what he just missed out on.”
“Girls are evil, Alex. Did you know that?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.”
“We should start thinking of how to GET to the frontier.”
“Ah, women… the final frontier…”
“I guess that’s that. Kyle has lost it.”
“The little he has to lose, that is.”
“Does that mean you’ve been sitting here on your ass for ten years?”
“I’m not sure whether to think that’s fantastic or just plain sad.”
“Oh, we’ll leave for now, but mark my words… ah’ll be BACK!”
“Alex, buddy… what kind of an accent was that?”
“Dunno. It just felt right for that sentence.”
“Flying fishes, huh? I guess that’s not TOO weird.”
“Don’t grow too comfortable, though. It’s not like weirdness is a measurable scale for how dangerous anything is.”
“Yes, yes. You and your warnings.”
“Alex, do you even know where you’re going?”
“I’ve never been here in my entire life, Nash. What do you think?”
“I think it would have been a good idea to ask for directions.”
“From who? The guys in Meryod? Or the guy who has been sitting on his ass for ten years straight?”
“Ok, ok. Point taken.”
“A town. Maybe we could ask around here.”
“Excellent. Now here’s hoping this town doesn’t have some kind of weird quirk or anything like that.”
“….”
“They’re all talking in singsong voices. It’s actually kind of cute.”
“NO, IT’S NOT!”
“Uh oh, I don’t like where this is going.”
“‘Oh gee’? Do I smell an emergency rhyme or what?”
“I wonder if his next lines will be ‘I’ve made my mistakes. Got nowhere to run’…”
“Let’s… not go there.”
“I wonder why the hell she’s wondering why her daughter was stolen? It’s not like Xenobia has kept anything a secret or anything. Nope, blabbed out her plans like any other dumb villain, she did.”
“Yeah, we kind of got that the first time. Can we change the channel now, please?”
“Directly from the home of Mr. A and Mrs. B Repeat, a kidnapping case that baffled the whole city.”
“Motives are as of yet unclear. Well, beyond the whole ‘world domination’ thing. Over to you, Nall.”
“A bold suggestion. Let’s hear what the Repeats have to say about this.”
“Yes, as you can hear, it’s a painful life.”
“The shattering of family bonds are never easy. Is there a way to overcome this?”
“Many trials and sleepless nights await these people. Join us again after the break. Nall?”
“Are you idiots done making fun of these people now?”
“Well… I guess we could always go speak with someone else.”
“…can we go ask someone else? Please?”
“No way, dude. This I gotta hear.”
“But… but… he’s creepy. He’s been having dreams about me and stuff.”
“Look on the bright side, Alex. If he helps us out now, we’ll never have to return to this town ever again.”
“Yes, but… but…”
“See? Now we can move on.”
*sigh* “Anything you say. Just as long as he stops talking about me.”
“SILENCE! I FORBID YOU TO TALK ABOUT MY EYES EVER AGAIN!”
“Christ! Let’s go and get ourselves into a battle before Alex loses it completely.”
“Provided, of course, that you manage to avoid taking that huge club of his to your skulls.”
“If that happens, though, you’ll heal us won’t you, Jessica?”
“Of course, Kyle. Am I not always there for you?”
“Well, uh… no?”
“Somehow, I doubt this is the Blue Dragon cave, Alex.”
“Well, gee, what tipped you off?”
“I shouldn’t even have to dignify that with an answer, you direction-asking-handicapped moron. Maybe we should try… oh, at the body of water we passed just before arriving at the town of singsong weenies?”
“You’re… not listening, are you?”
“No.”
“May I ask why you seem so dead set on ignoring sound advice?”
“I always ignore advice when my feelings are hurt.”
“You have feelings?”
“And that’s our cue to leave, Alex. We don’t want to mess with the kind of diseases that have the word ‘rampant’ in the description somewhere.”
“Come on, man. Where is your sense of adventure?”
“It’s right here, thinking you’re an idiot.”
“You don’t get out much, do you?”
“Maybe he’s the father of that useless twit at the transmission spring.”
“He might have had some dreams about you, though.”
“Ew!”
“GAH!”
“Where’d you guys come from?”
“Who cares? Let’s wrassle, sonny boy.”
“Wow, this took on a sudden homoerotic turn. Anyway, sure, why not?”
“I feel all funny inside.”
“And so, a hundred pieces of fanart were born.”
“Wow, you’re such a pal. In that case, I’ll keep it to ‘just humiliating’ instead of ‘beating your forefathers out of you’.”
“I’ve always wanted to know how it feels to dominate a Dragonmaster. I guess I’ll have to settle for a ‘would be’ one, though.”
“You don’t have to worry about the disease once I’m done with you, because even the source of the disease will be begging for mercy when I’m done with you.”
“Is this because of some male gene or something?”
“Nah, it’s probably just the lack of chances to go all out verbally like that. Is Fresca the naggy and control-freaky kind of girlfriend, by the way?”
“Hey, what’s THAT supposed to mean?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“So, who’s the strongest? Your girlfriend?”
“Hey!”
“I should have guessed as much.”
“That guy sure gets around.”
“Who are you talking about? That weird guy we met in Reza who kept calling you ‘lad’ all the time?”
“Yyyyes.”
“Do you know the guy?”
“Nnno. We kind of just met him here and there.”
“You sure know a lot of interesting people.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Fresca, that’s kind of the problem with diseases; being strong doesn’t really help.”
“Unless the cure is in a cave guarded by an evil being, of course.”
“So, are you saying that the people of the prairie are a bunch of wussies?”
“Yes. Well, no. Erm… I mean…”
“Oh, Tempest, Tempest. He got you and he got you good.”
“Don’t you people have a Blue Dragon cave to go look for or something?”
“Yeah, we d..HEY, how do you know that?”
“And wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Fine! Be that way.”
“Oh look. They’re out taking their flying fishes for walkies. How cute.”
“Um, I don’t think they’re doing that, specifically.”
“What are you talking about? See, that one on the right is even rewarding his fishie for being a good boy.”
“With… a piece of meat.”
“Eugh! From what, I wonder.”
“Who cares? Can we please just kill them and move along now?”
“THIS is what he meant by ‘opening the path’? Placing stones for us to hop on?”
“That doesn’t strike me as the epitome of safety.”
“I wonder if anyone else out there has had to deal with this kind of inconvenience.”
*somewhere, in a completely different universe*
“What the… is this someone’s idea of easy river crossing? That’s it! I’m filing a complaint to the ‘Lands of the Shogun travel agency’.”
*back at Lunar*
“It’s a waterfall. What do you think? Any secret passages behind this?”
“Well, if you’re mistaken, you’re all wet.”
“And if you’re right, you’re definitely gonna be all wet too.”
“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, huh? Well, only one way to find out.”
“Well, whaddya know.”
“Um… Mia, that dress of yours is very clingy when wet.”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m quite happy about that.”
“Gah! Look away, you pervert.”
“Guys, you might want to keep your eyes to the front?”
“And why would I want to do that with such a vision of sex appeal walking right behind me?”
“…oh.”
“Dragonfish? In a dragon’s cave? NO WAI!”
“There sure is a lot of land-based fish species here. Silly me, I guess, for expecting fish to live in the sea.”
“More kinds of fish? The Blue Dragon sure loves its marine life, huh?”
“Alex, do you think we could… um, bring a few for our next campfire? I bet they taste good.”
“These? Maybe. The others? Somehow, I seriously doubt that.”
“Oh, fine! These’ll do, then.”
“Um, guys? This area is giving me some bad vibes.”
“How so?”
“Well, it’s large and it’s open. It’s almost as if we’ll be needing that space pretty soon.”
“Alex, that’s just silly. What would we be meeting in this place that we haven’t already met further up?”
“What the HELL is that?”
“Oh wow, I don’t even know where to START!”
“Hmm. Now where to stick my sword. What would be this monster’s weak point, I wonder?”
“Sarcastic, dear?”
“No, duh! Of course, I’m being sarcastic. I mean.. did the Blue Dragon tag off ‘must consist of at least 60% brain’ when doing the ‘lair minion defender’ checklist?”
“Look at those tiny arms. What do you think he use THOSE for?”
“To lift you up in front of his face so that he can stare into your soul, I guess.”
“Which will make your head explode, no doubt.”
“Anyway, let’s just deal with this…. thing.”
“No problem. One huge lobotomy coming up.”
“Brrrr. That was… a horrible fight.”
“Yeah, no kidding. I never EVER want to fight something like that ever again.”
“And it wasn’t like the fight was very hard either. It went down pretty fast. It’s just…”
“Those screams. I will be hearing them in my nightmares for quite some time to come.”
“At least you girls can go back to the hot spring to wash this gray, slimy goo off yourselves.”
“Let’s just go inside and claim our prize. Then, we go find a therapist.”
“If you weren’t already dead, I’d kill you myself for forcing me to go through that fight.”
“Pah! You kids today are getting soft. Why, when I was young, we had to wake up before dawn and kill ten of these, before bathing in their brainjuices. I remember when….”
“Is he… lecturing us? While being dead?”
“Blah blah blah spoiled brats blah blah blah barefoot through ten feet of snow blah blah…”
“This might take a while. Did we bring the cards?”
“So… you’re basically saying you were NOT true to your heart?”
“Well, no, but… um… I was taken by surprise. Yeah.”
“Oh, sure.”
“Hey, do you want that helmet or do you NOT want that helmet?”
“Gimme!”
“Welcome back, Mr. Obvious. We’ve missed you.”
“Thanks. It’s good to be back. From now on, I’ll try to stick to my duties more often.”
“Don’t do me any favors now, ya hear?”
“So, which spell are we getting now?”
“It’s the ‘cry me a river dragon’ spell.”
“The what?”
“The Dragon TEAR. Isn’t that just the cutest?”
“Don’t worry too much about it, Alex. You’ll get your chance to cry soon enough.”
“Wait, is that…?”
“I guess I have to stop underestimating you people.”
“Xenobia. Gracing us with your hot, little bod again, I see?”
“Always, dahling. You know I can’t live without you guys. Causing you grief is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastimes.”
Oh no. The second in command of evil shows herself to our heroes, far, far ahead of schedule. What will they do, now that they have no chance against her. Will this be the end of our heroes?
“Wait, you’re not going to kill us?”
“While that would be fun — and easy, let’s not forget — that would still be far too convenient. No, I’m so fond of my little games, dahlings. So once my sweet li’l Nash brings me the helmet, it’s ta ta for now.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“But more importantly, what the hell, Nash? Are you seriously going to betray us for… um, a luscious babe with an astounding cleavage?”
“Well… yeah. You never even let me touch yours.”
“You didn’t? That’s just mean.”
“Well, no, but… why are you taking his.. I mean her side in this?”
“Well, that settles it. Most bizarre heroes-villain conversation yet.”